My blurb is a mess! Help?

Hi there, and thanks for clicking in.
I’ve gone through… countless blurbs since I finished the first draft of my novel, Science, Eternal Life, and a Traveling Circus. I’m well into the second draft now and I still can’t settle on anything!

Here are two current versions that I have:

  1. A man with a tie is discovered outside the limits of a dried-up settlement in the middle of nowhere, bearing a plague that was thought to be contained. When it is revealed that the man’s intent is to spread the disease, a private alcoholic and a loudmouthed illiterate disembark for the great city of Ban-Ken to put a stop to the man-made plague at its source. But, courage is a fickle thing.

  2. Even the most uneducated can have a mind for adventure. Especially when it comes to saving the world. There is a radioactive plague trapped within the walls of Ban-Ken, caused by years of failed experiments. When the plague threatens to be spread, it is up to a private alcoholic and a loud-mouthed illiterate to brave Ban-Ken’s strength and stop the disease before its power is put into the wrong hands.

They are obviously different versions of the same thing, but each adds something different, and each kind of feels like it is missing something.
Of course, you won’t know a thing about my story, but… without knowing, could you pick if 1 or 2 interested you more, and possibly drop a reason?
Open to suggestions as well! I want to finally be happy with a good blurb ;_;

Thanks a million!

I really like the second one, but I see what you mean. What if you combine them?

Even the most uneducated can have a mind for adventure - especially when it comes to saving the world.

A man with a tie is discovered outside the limits of a dried-up settlement in the middle of nowhere, bearing a plague that was long thought to be contained. When it is discovered that he intends to spread the disease within the great city of Ban-Ken, it is up to a private alcoholic and a loud-mouthed illiterate to brave the city’s strong walls and put a stop to the man-made plague before its power falls into the wrong hands.

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I like the second one. It turns my attention towards the MC and what he must face through out the city of Ban-Ken. I also think you should give us the MC’s name in your blurb to better connect him to the readers. I don’t mind that you call him uneducated and illiterate, it give a nice comedic feel. But we need that deeper connection and the lack of a name diminishes that.

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Why aren’t you saying your characters names?

Start building a connection with readers by putting those names into the blurb.

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Thanks a lot for this suggestion!! I like it, and I’ll see if I can do even more with it.

Yup, I hear you. I’ll definitely add their names in my next edit! Thanks!

Gotcha! Thank you!