Need help with blurb


#1

I really suck at writing blurbs. So how can I make this better?

No one’s perfect. It’s a saying that Phineas believes. Faults are what make people human. So when a new girl moves to town who seems to be perfect, somehow better than the best, he can’t help but feel something’s off. When he objects to her dating his brother, everyone says he’s just jealous. That he needs to learn to not be so dependent.

But when his brother’s personality starts changing, Phineas can’t help but wonder if there’s more to his feelings than just jealously.

Plot: A ‘Mary Sue’ moves to town. There’s the ‘love at first sight’ meeting between her and the brother. Everyone, minus Phineas, thinks she’s perfect. The brother starts acting out (and later starts looking like he’s ill even though he not acting like he is). Phineas starts investigating her and discovers she’s a siren that manipulates people to play out her fantasies while she slowly sucks the life out of them. It’s then a race to find out how to stop her before she sucks the life completely out of his brother and everyone else under her spell.


#2

Is his brother Ferb?

I’d just add a line to hint what the true problem might be since, without that, it might read to some like ‘there’s more to his jealously’ like he’s in love with his brother. Because Wattpad, you know? Haha.


#3

That doesn’t suck at all! I think it’s great as-is, and paints a picture of a compelling read.

Nevertheless, here’s just one alternate take:

Nobody’s perfect, and we all have our flaws. Those imperfections are what make us human.

Phineas [Last Name] is a firm believer in these fundamental truths, so when [Girl Character Full Name] breezes into town and appears to defy them, he can’t help but feel that something is off. No less strange than if she were immune to the effects of gravity.

Under normal circumstances, his objection to [Girl Character First Name] dating his brother could be taken as jealousy, but it becomes clear these are not normal circumstances when his brother’s personality changes in ways that can’t be explained.

Phineas knows there’s something insidious hiding behind her perfection, but he needs to discover what it is, and whether it’s too late.


#4

…Maybe.

Ouch. Yeah, I was kind of worried about that, but I was hoping I was overreacting.


#5

Thanks. Your take is lot better than mine.


#6

My pleasure. And it’s all subjective. I bet mine could be improved if you put your spin on it.

Takes the creator to give it the heart.