I always send feedback per message because I don’t believe in “shaming” authors publicly. If they want their feedback out in the open, I’ve got no problem whatsoever with them sharing it. But here’s a feedback example of mine I found after a little search through my archives:
First off, thank you for giving me the opportunity to give you feedback on your work. I know that’s a hard thing to do and I appreciate the opportunity!
Now to your story…
I noticed a lot of tense jumping between present and past. This is a common problem that you can easily fix, but the chosen tense also influences the way a story is told. Present tense gives you a lot of opportunities to add thoughts and opinions because those always happen in the present tense. You wouldn’t have to format them differently because they are a logical part of the storytelling. If you choose past tense, you’ll have to work with emotions, gestures and a little less thoughts, because those would have to be formatted differently to make clear what they are. In the end, it depends on what you like more. Both work well.
Next thing I noticed is that your story fell into the “waking up, doing necessities, thinking about the weather”-trap. This is a common thing if the author doesn’t quite know yet where the story should go, but honestly - do you find your own bathroom/morning routine exciting and captivating? I don’t, mostly I don’t even remember what I did that day. If you don’t think it’s exciting, your reader won’t either. You could either shorten it or skip it altogether and simply start at the action. Action is always a good thing on the first few pages.
From a style/wording view, you’re already good. Lots of active voice and clear movement/positioning, nothing to gripe about there. If you get a grip on that first chapter and remember to keep your scenes to what you find really exciting or what you think is absolutely necessary to understand what is happening, you’re good.