Offer: First chapter/Hook critique

feedback-offered

#21

I always send feedback per message because I don’t believe in “shaming” authors publicly. If they want their feedback out in the open, I’ve got no problem whatsoever with them sharing it. But here’s a feedback example of mine I found after a little search through my archives:

First off, thank you for giving me the opportunity to give you feedback on your work. I know that’s a hard thing to do and I appreciate the opportunity!
Now to your story…

I noticed a lot of tense jumping between present and past. This is a common problem that you can easily fix, but the chosen tense also influences the way a story is told. Present tense gives you a lot of opportunities to add thoughts and opinions because those always happen in the present tense. You wouldn’t have to format them differently because they are a logical part of the storytelling. If you choose past tense, you’ll have to work with emotions, gestures and a little less thoughts, because those would have to be formatted differently to make clear what they are. In the end, it depends on what you like more. Both work well.
Next thing I noticed is that your story fell into the “waking up, doing necessities, thinking about the weather”-trap. This is a common thing if the author doesn’t quite know yet where the story should go, but honestly - do you find your own bathroom/morning routine exciting and captivating? I don’t, mostly I don’t even remember what I did that day. If you don’t think it’s exciting, your reader won’t either. You could either shorten it or skip it altogether and simply start at the action. Action is always a good thing on the first few pages.

From a style/wording view, you’re already good. Lots of active voice and clear movement/positioning, nothing to gripe about there. If you get a grip on that first chapter and remember to keep your scenes to what you find really exciting or what you think is absolutely necessary to understand what is happening, you’re good.


#22

I would like some feedback on how to make this chapter EPIC. Not looking for publishing at all now tbh. This is WIP.

Title: Adventures of Prince Vajendra

Genre: Fantasy

Blurb:
Meet Prince Vajendra, aka the so-called spiritual Rishi of the continent of Vishaputra, a flat earth. He’s a man not interested in saving the world, but having his own adventures. A man that can talk with Gods, deal with flying airships, throw exploding bombs into the air. He must retrieve the powers that an evil Pharoah, named Nahakasha has taken from him. This story goes into a series of episodic sub-plots more than an overarching story.

**Link:**https://www.wattpad.com/story/169477580-the-adventures-of-prince-vajendra


#23

Hello! I’d love it if you could review my first chapter. It actually has a very short prologue of less than 200 words, so I’m not sure if it counts… The actual first chapter is split into three because it’s nearly 5k words, but on wattpad I’ve only put up the first part and that’s probably the one that counts here.
Name- @draphy
Title- The World Changer.
Genre- Fantasy.
Blurb- A butterfly’s wings can bring thunderstorms. Tahro knew this. He knew it when he plunged into the world of his favourite manga. He knew it when he fought to save a main character’s life. But how much can he change the story before the plot begins to fall apart? Can you choose between your friends and a world?
Link- https://www.wattpad.com/story/174132370-the-world-changer


#24

hey there :calmwolf: i would love for you to take a look at my story “Elowen’s Yellow Cloth” right here and lmk what you think :wink: it’s more of action than (gay) romance at the moment so i hope that’s okay with you-- this book talks about a boy who wants nothing more to do with frivolous gangs and their so-called loyalty, yet finds himself getting tangled up with one of the rising gangs in his old town.


#25

Hey! I’d love it if you could check out my story ‘His Guilty Pleasure’ or my newer one ‘Bad Intentions,’ basically one is a cheesy body positive romance and the other is a thriller kinda thing. I also have a story called ‘The Beautiful and Damned’ that centers around addiction and finding love in a place that love should probably not be found in. ‘HGP’ is my most well known one but I am as equally passionate about the other two, so whatever sparks your interest would be perfect!!! Thanks so much and lmk if you want payment or something!!!


#26

hi i haven’t actually posted my first chapter yet, is it possible for you to read it in google docs or should i wait until i post it?


#27

I would love some feedback on my book (if you enjoy reading it, feel free to keep on reading!)
Title: The Legend of the Moonflower Princess
Genre: Fantasy, High Fantasy, Epic Fantasy
Summary: A young woman must rescue her younger adopted brother from a mad sorcerer
Link: https://www.wattpad.com/659085416-the-legend-of-the-moonflower-princess-where-the


#28

Hi, I just edited my first chapter and would love your feedback.
Title: Ascension: Heroes Rising
Genre: Epic Fantasy/Action/Adventure
Summary: The world is overrun with monsters and young heroes must rise up to liberate it.
(I can’t seem to include the link because it says that I’m a new user.)


#29

Done!


#30

let’s give it a go. click this link & tell me what you think.


#31

Hi,
I would love for you to start with the prologue because my chapter 1 wouldn’t make sense without reading the prologue :slight_smile:

Thank you for doing this.

https://www.wattpad.com/story/165899309-fly-high-lgbt


#32

Done!


#33

Done!


#34

Hi!
Sorry, my offer is only for wattpad stories. I only do story swaps with people writing the same genre as me outside of WP. But you can of course give me a holler once you’ve posted.


#35

That’s fine, thanks anyway


#36

it would be great if you could give me some feedback. xx
Book: Iris by @Nadnoud
Genre: Comedy, Action, Romance
Description: When Talia lands into a pile of trouble, Iris - a secret organization- saves the day. In return for their efforts, they ask Talia to provide her skills. Though she starts of thankful, she begins to ponder Iris’ tru intentions after an encounter with a very enigmatic male…
Thank you again <33


#37

Hey! Would you be interested in looking at my book, ‘Memories of Tomorrow’. I need some fresh eyes and honest feedback. It’s action/romance. Thanks!


#38

Wattpad Reviews:
“Your narrator’s voice is absolutely stunning and alive…I’m really glad I ran into this short story…” Andyjo1
“It is raw and honest and witty and humanly dark.” - MoranaGlinka
“I enjoyed reading your work, it was a delight.” NeonSunset

Summary
Stuck in a funk after being dumped, a 30 year-old woman gains a surprising new friend and roommate with strange and macabre consequences. A one-of-a-kind tongue-in-cheek true story by an “over 35 year-old” British-bred writer with a dark sense of humor. Cockroach_Brooklyn_Funny_Short_stories

https://www.wattpad.com/story/171614806-a-cockroach-in-brooklyn-a-darkly-amusing-short


#39

Many thanks for your help!


#40

Hi, could you pretty please look at one of my more recent stories. :slight_smile:
Title: Song of Guilds
Genre: Fantasy
Description: Imprisoned for a crime punishable of death, Saiya is offered a choice. Accept her punishment or take part in four trials that will test her strength, intelligence, dexterity, and her perception in order be the one queens elite group of spies. However, her assassin cellmate is offered this choice as well, along with every underworld guild in the kingdom. Guilds that that are home to some of the most deadliest criminals known and those who have talents that go beyond a petty thief like herself. Saiya accepts the offer with another idea in mind.
Her grand escape.
Little does Saiya know that death would of been kinder than what the queen has in mind.