Pansexual main character dating experience

Just checking if this is realistic…

He says:

For a while, honestly, I thought I was gay, because no girls appealed to me in high school. I kissed a guy in a locker room after figuring out he was gay, but quickly realized I didn’t actually like him and the only reason I was with him was because we were both gay.

I know the first is true from a recent Ted talk I listened to, where a girl thought she was lesbian, told her parents, made a big deal of it, introduced her girlfriend and then fell in love with a man later and was ashamed to come out as B/pansexual, but I’m cautious about the second sentence.

The setting is Korea, modern day and it’s more like the gay culture of America in the 1950’s. Persecuted for being gay. Gay people are jailed for having consensual sex. It’s mildly getting better, but if it was in his youth, it would more match persecution style of the 1950’s, so it would be hard for him to access gay bars, clubs, etc as a teen.

I’m fact checking if this would ring true. I can change it if necessary. It’s not critical. I more want to capture the environment of LGBT in Korea.

i think the realism here can only be measured by what’s within reason for your character. if you feel like he’d behave that way, then he would most certainly behave that way.

but if you’re trying to use his experience as an overall representation of korea’s modern lgbt climate (which is highkey impossible), i don’t think it’d work to compare it to 1950s america even if asian countries are often believed to be inherently less tolerant. with gay sex being legal over there, the internet being a very big thing for gen z kids, lgbt actually having plenty of valid usable terms, science no longer backing homophobia, etc. it’s unlikely that he would experience the systemic persecution of 1950s america unless you find a way to completely isolate him from the revolutionary things that make modern korean lgbt culture what it is today.


I don’t know if this helps but I’m pansexual and I kinda had a similar experience in high school.

I struggled a lot with my sexual identity because I didn’t even know what pansexual was. I identified as bi for a long time. But anyway,

I kissed a friend of mine in the bathroom because she liked me and I liked her. However, kissing her, for me, was nothing special. It was just like okay, I don’t dislike this, but she’s not the one for me. Kissing her solidified for me that, yes I am attracted to women.

As I got older I started noticing that my attraction to people wasn’t just based off their gender. I was finding myself attracted to all kinds of people, straight, bi, pansexual, trans, non-binary, whatever.

When I was in school I remained completely confused about what my true sexuality was. It wasn’t until I started doing my own research that I found pansexual. Then it all made sense.


He’s in his late 20’s to 30’s. I’ve been tracking LGBT in Korea for years now. A soldier was jailed for having consensual sex with a fellow soldier fairly recently under the “National Security Law” which is pretty much written to be anything that the lawmakers want it to be. (The darker side of S. Korea). Being trans and in the army is still illegal. It took a while to get him out, but he was still expelled from the army for “sickness” IIRC.

Same sex marriage is still illegal.

The current president of South Korea, President Moon despite being a civil rights lawyer still things that being gay is “a sickness” and it’s not “traditional” even if that’s not true. There is plenty of evidence for gay people in Korean history.

And unfortunately, despite what people may see on Korean dramas, which tend to be more liberal, the problem is that a majority of people STILL think that anyone in a same sex relationship auto-has AIDS.

Trans rights are marginally, marginally better than the US in some aspects, but not really.

Hong Seok Chan related how as the eldest son he was super ashamed to be gay such that he considered suicide before publicly coming out. He’s the only one to publicly admit as an actor he is gay. (One director and one director who is lesbian [more recent]). Still, his acting gigs got cut down… though none of the other actors around him seem to mind.

It’s oppressive in a way that people don’t realize viewing it from a popular culture stand point.

It’s still to the point that people are forced to lie about their relationships and their parents try to “fix” them by forcing blind dates on them, etc, try to force them into marriage…

People were outraged when in one episode of Seonam two girls kissed. I was like so what? It was a cable station, but they still demanded the censorship board censor them.

And only last year I got into a fight with a native Korean over the idea that Korean people were historically gay. They insisted flat out that there never were any gay Korean people in history ever, even as I listed people who were historically known to be gay. They got raging upset. How dare I.

I’m pretty sure of the environment is pretty depressing. 5-10 years back, he’d have issues, especially since he didn’t live originally in Seoul.

Being out, out is tough in Korea. A lot less protections. (I do mention other real people, so it’s not boxed in…)


I can relate. I was never attracted to the same sex when I was younger, but a lot of people thought I was gay. It wasn’t until my twenties when I found myself attracted to a particular person and I was so confused. I had to do a lot of experimenting to sort it all out. I thought I was bi for the longest after that but then heard of the word Pan and I looked into that. I figured out that I am Pan because I’m not with a particular person because of their sex (anatomy)… It’s only on how they make me feel


I can’t speak for other pansexuals so this is gonna sound like a tangent but for me attraction starts with their personality like people would look at my dating history and think my type is tall fit etc but it happens to be the people i am around and they happen to have great personalities.

I never liked labels.

I’ve dated Men, Women, nonbinary, Trans and one intersex person never thought about what was in their pants before we had sex and I guess after that I find Trans women more appealing for well Non PC reasons.

All pans are different I would focus more about the location.


I can’t speak authoritatively on South Korea - their military culture and porn ban means that there’s a nuanced difference between their view on sexuality and others in East Asia. I can speak about pansexuality and say that I saw nothing offensive in either statement. It seemed absolutely fine and valid ways to approach pansexuality. Some of us are confused at first and approach a label.

Deciding to come out is one thing, but you gotta be careful what you decide to come out as too. I think a lot of people are surprised by their sexuality shifting later in life etc as well, or fluidity in their sexuality. So yeah. No problem.


Pansexuals don’t generally date because of looks. From personal experiences, being pan myself, I fall in love with personality rather then looks or gender.