Pitmad Pitches for December 6th


#1

Tomorrow is another pitch event on Twitter and I decided to participate for a change. I thought it would be good if those of us taking part could post our pitches here and get feedback. Any help would be very much appreciated.

Here is mine:
Time is running out for a condemned man as a journalist student is trying to determine his guilt. But when the truth finally emerges, more than one dead body is left in its wake.


#2

Maybe mentioning the condemned man’s name instead of just leaving it unsaid would make it a little snappier? It could also make it a little easier to determine whose guilt we’re talking about in the last part of the first sentence.

So:

Time is running out for John Doe, as a journalism student is trying to determine his guilt. But when the truth finally emerges, more than one dead body is left in its wake.

Love the last sentence. It flows really well and it’s really dramatic. Honestly, the whole pitch is really good, and I’m just throwing out some pretty nitpicky ideas.


I’m not trying out for this round of Pitmad - but I’m hoping to maybe try out PitchWars sometimes next year. Here’s my pitch:

Stripped of his identity, labelled feral and locked away all by the age of five, inmate C41 fights to gain his freedom, even when it means becoming a soldier and hunting those who are just like him.

I’m really not sure about it and I feel like it doesn’t flow that well. Thoughts?


#3

I think it ‘doesn’t flow that well’ because it’s one sentence. I think seperating it in two is a good idea, since it’s a very lengthy sentence and is just full of commas xP


#4

Stripped of his identity, labelled feral and locked away all by the age of five, inmate C41 fights to gain his freedom. Even if it means becoming a soldier and hunting those who are just like him.

Better?


#5

Yeah, it is. Gives us a break from going on and on. But still, one more nitpick -

Stripped of his identity, labelled feral, and locked away all by the age of five (Oxford comma, please and thank you), inmate C41 fights to gain his freedom - even if it means becoming a soldier, and hunting those who are just like him.

Sorry for all them nitpicks :sweat:


#6

(commas are the bane of my existence)

Thank you! I think it’s much better now :smile: So no apologising for nitpicks!


#7

Actually, what you wrote is still correct comma-wise, it’s just I prefer Oxford comma lol


#8

I really don’t know the difference, but I do know people are suckers for the Oxford comma, so I’ll take your word for it! :call_me_hand:


#9

The problem I have with adding his name is that it wouldn’t be clear anymore that he is on death row since time running out is not immediately associated with death (so the stakes wouldn’t be as high). He also isn’t the main character. Maybe I could add her name instead.

Time is running out for a condemned man as a journalist student Dakota Jennings is trying to determine his guilt. But when the truth finally emerges, more than one dead body is left in its wake.


#10

Woah that is a top-tier emoji, thanks!

And yes, I find most people are inclined to use the Oxford comma. Probably because it’s the better option and generally clearer.


#11

Ooh! Yes, this is better. Then we also know who the MC is, which is always great for a short pitch.

(I also think it’s supposed to be “journalism student” - but I’m not entirely sure on that one?)


#12

Yah, that’s what I’ve heard. People are holding on to it with tooth and nail. So if I can slip it into a pitch, even better.


#13

Yes, I think you are right with the journalism


#14

That’s much better! But, still, commas. And sentences… here’s what I think would be better:

Time is running out for a condemned man. As a journalist student, Dakota Jennings is trying to determine his guilt - but when the truth finally emerges, more than one dead body is left in its wake.

I’m sorry. I’m a sucker for hyphens tbh


#15

Wouldn’t removing “as” in this case make it flow better?

Time is running out for a condemned man. A journalism student, Dakota Jennings is trying to determine his guilt - but when the truth finally emerges, more than one dead body is left in its wake.


#16

Oxford commas are a pain, but very well liked in the industry. Rule of thumb: if you are listing anything, you need a comma before each element.

Here: Stripped of his identity (1), labelled feral (2), and locked away (3)…

v.

Stripped of his identify and locked away, labelled feral inmate C41 fights… – here you need no comma before the locked away.


#17

Thanks for the tip! I hope it sticks. I really can’t with English commas, since they’re so loose. :sweat_smile:


#18

Honestly, I think it should be ‘student journalist’. What is wrong with me? But, this still doesn’t flow that naturally. How about this?

Time is running out for a condemned man. Dakota Jennings, a journalism student, is trying to determine… and so on.

This makes it clear that he being a journalism student is not really important to the story, but still flows naturally and gives us the same information.


#19

They’re not too hard for me but they do get confusing sometimes :sweat_smile:


#20

If the genre is Myster/Thriller it’s probably important to mention the MC is a journalism student. I can imagine it’s vital to the plot - it often is in these kinds of stories.

I think I prefer the former one with “A journalism student, Dakota Jennings…”