Maybe mentioning the condemned man’s name instead of just leaving it unsaid would make it a little snappier? It could also make it a little easier to determine whose guilt we’re talking about in the last part of the first sentence.
Time is running out for John Doe, as a journalism student is trying to determine his guilt. But when the truth finally emerges, more than one dead body is left in its wake.
Love the last sentence. It flows really well and it’s really dramatic. Honestly, the whole pitch is really good, and I’m just throwing out some pretty nitpicky ideas.
I’m not trying out for this round of Pitmad - but I’m hoping to maybe try out PitchWars sometimes next year. Here’s my pitch:
Stripped of his identity, labelled feral and locked away all by the age of five, inmate C41 fights to gain his freedom, even when it means becoming a soldier and hunting those who are just like him.
I’m really not sure about it and I feel like it doesn’t flow that well. Thoughts?