Query help please


#21

Yes, exactly that. This is giving me ideas if I should change the plot in some places because it would make it more interesting. The query revisions have given me some ideas.

I think you not reading the story has helped hugely. Because it shows how a complete stranger to the book will see it. I will revise and repost. I like both of your sentences referring to corpses and body bags. Can’t make up my mind which one I like more!
Thanks so much!


#22

I switched to corpses because it’s one less word and trying to keep word count tight is often the name of the game with a blurb.


#23

Hello lovely people,

So I had some time to mull over which parts of the story need changing vs where to amend the query. Most of the query works still but there are few more questions in my head, I hope I can pick your brains for these. I agree the last sentence needs to be more about other people’s lives for it to be compelling so I am introducing a small layer to the plot but do you think the last line in the query works as a choice? Is it strong enough?

Also, I have a conundrum - there are two police people in this book - one who doubts Alice and the other who is more supportive of Alice. How do I change that part in first para (she is labeled a suspect because she isn’t quite a full on suspect). Argh, me and my confusion!

Once again, thank you so much for all your help. I am humbled by how helpful people are on this forum.

After a harsh childhood in foster care, Alice Bennett suffers from murky memory gaps and terrible migraines. Despite this, she’s managed to put together a semi-stable adult life. With her nurse’s job in the NHS and a tiny flat in East London, things are looking up. If her drunken neighbour would just stop abusing her cats, then maybe her headaches would improve too.

When Alice returns home to discover the loudmouth murdered, the police label her a suspect. Odd occurrences and victims mount, throwing increasing suspicion on her. Yet Alice is convinced that someone is shadowing her, and this stalker is the killer. Wondering how she lost five years of memories and gained a deadly Midas touch where anyone connected to her becomes a corpse, she turns to her biological mother, resident of Wakefield prison, for answers. As usual Alice gets nothing from the encounter. But shortly after, her Mum gets something - (her throat sliced) courtesy of the Shadow.

Now, Alice can keep running forever or she must unlock the hidden truths from the dingy gutters of her past and stop the Shadow from slaying innocent mothers.


#24

Overall I think it’s great! I made a couple changes.

If you are worried about the “labeled a suspect” part, maybe swap in “person of interest” Here in the US that’s the first stage where they are questioning you, but you aren’t officially a suspect. I’d double check that it’s the same in the U.K.

Then there were a few small grammar changes.

So…

‪After a harsh childhood in foster care, Alice Bennett suffers from murky memory gaps and terrible migraines. Despite this, she’s managed to put together a semi-stable adult life. With her nurse’s job in the NHS and a tiny flat in East London, things are looking up. If her drunken neighbour would just stop abusing her cats, then maybe her headaches would improve too.‬

‪When Alice returns home to discover the loudmouth murdered, the police label her a person of interest. Odd occurrences and victims mount, throwing increasing suspicion on her. Yet Alice is convinced that someone is shadowing her, and this stalker is the killer. Wondering how she lost five years of memories and gained a deadly Midas touch where anyone connected to her becomes a corpse, she turns to her biological mother, resident of Wakefield prison, for answers. As usual Alice gets nothing from the encounter. But shortly after, her Mum gets something - a slit throat courtesy of the Shadow.‬

‪Now, Alice can keep running forever, or unlock the hidden truths from the dingy gutters of her past and stop the Shadow from slaying again.


#25

Thanks for checking this! Good point about person of interest. I will have to look that up. I watch far too much American TV to know what the Brit terms are Lol. But it’s a good suggestion. I should be able to have something milder.

I like what you did with the mother’s death part too. Thanks!!!

It’s come down to 187 words. Fantastic.