Question for anyone who suffers with anger issues...

I’m currently experimenting with a couple new characters for a future book idea I had and one of these characters suffers from anger management issues. Since I do not suffer from the same issue, I find I’m having trouble really identifying with her character in the necessary way to write her. If there is anyone out there comfortable enough to disclose their condition and can give me information to help provide a more accurate perspective, I would appreciate your help :slight_smile:

I don’t think my anger problems came from not being able to control myself, but simply from not wanting to.

I used to get angry a lot because I was really insecure. I felt like I had to fight everyone or I would lose something. The kind of wounded pride feeling when a person tore me down, I didn’t want to feel that. Anger was a way to protect myself I think. (yes, I would attack people physically as a child.)

I don’t think this is quite what you’re looking for, but good luck!

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It might be what I’m looking for. Like I said, I’m still experimenting, but thank you for sharing :slight_smile:

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Hormonal imbalance. It’s like you’re out of control. Nothing will stop the rage building—and over stupid things, too.

Exhaustion brings it on. Changes in the cycle, too. I’m pre-menopausal right now, so my emotions have been in an entire whirlwind.

I don’t like it. I used to be able to be at peace, even in the worst of times. But now my body is betraying me.

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Don’t give up! Mind over body, just try to remind yourself that :slight_smile: I hope you find peace eventually.

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Oh yeah, there’s also the feeling of rage when I’m tired. But again my head is still there, it’s just a mounting feeling of frustration that makes it impossible to take a nice tone with anyone and makes the small issues like a dirty dish on the counter reasons for immense rage, even as my mind knows it’s just a mood.

It’s usually when I feel this desperate loneliness beforehand, or when I wake up feeling super duper awake then crash later.

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I got this really bad for a while, only recently been getting better.

Honestly for me it was always a completely overwhelming feeling of directionless rage. There was no real outlet for it, it made my chest feel like there was a vice over my rib-cage, and stupid animal brain would kick in telling me to destroy shit and yell even when I knew that accomplished nothing. It’s a very primal, all-consuming feeling.

Thankfully I could control myself well enough to at least go flip my lid in a room away from other people where I wouldn’t hurt anything, but even exerting that amount of control is hard. For me personally a large part of the rage was feeling like I HAD to get it out of my system somehow, and that feeling makes you really really not want to fight it. It’s hard as hell to reign in when every part of you wants to give into the rage just to get it out. (even when, logically, I know that often giving in just makes it worse)

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What are some techniques that you use to calm down?

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Mostly for me it’s a matter of waiting it out. Go sit somewhere away from people, and try to force myself to think of something different. Like, I focus on my kid, and how I never want him to see me angry like that, try to remind myself how acting on the anger accomplishes nothing, etc. Sometimes listening to music or distracting myself with dumb youtube videos about dogs helps. Eventually the rage fades, and I’m able to calm down.

Part of the reason it’s difficult to reign in is that honestly calming down is really unsatisfying. It’s kind of like quitting drinking. Yeah, you know that’s ultimately way better for you, but it still doesn’t feel great until way later. It’s super easy to get stuck in thought patterns and actions that lead to rage cycles, and it’s a long, arduous process to break out of it.

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I’m glad you are trying to get better for your son :slight_smile: It is probably a very frustrating experience.

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It is, but it’s worth it. I can feel myself getting better even if it is slow, and I’m able to enjoy life a lot more not being so angry all the time. :slight_smile:

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When you have anger management issues, there are 2 situations(there might be more, but I’ve faced 2 as far as I can remember). You either lose your sub-conscious thoughts and act on instincts, or you have your sub-consciousness poking at you that you’re angry now, and you decide to ignore it and still remain angry. Why? Because you don’t know what else to do, being angry seems like your only solace.

I can’t give you reasons and stuff, which would come from people who suffer from purely anger, WITH reasons behind their anger. I often don’t have reasons, maybe its bipolarity – I do not know. And I prob never will find out.

When I’m angry, I always have different reactions to that anger. Keep that in mind. Often, I’ve seen readers go like – He/she couldn’t act this way! It happened before but now he/she is acting differently. Well, situations might be same, but reactions differ.

I leave the reactions to the author, coz I would rather not talk about mine at the moment… If you have any other questions, feel free to ask. Just don’t ask me about my reactions. I’m willing to give you hypothetical reactions tho, if you wish.

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Oh oops. I read this wrong. ;w;

Anyway… for me, it is a lack of control. I’m autistic, and I also have very severe anxiety as well. It’s hard to control my emotions because they overload me and make me want to get super duper upset. If you’ve ever seen Inside Out, then you’ll know a lot about how my mind works. It’s based mostly on worry/fear or anger.

It’s like this:

followed by a lot of this:

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I grew up being anger due to being present in various abusive situations at which couldn’t help the victims or they didn’t want it. My anger was my own tool to survive from the life I had and sadly still lies like a monster inside me waiting for someone to harm me or in any way mock me for it to get out.
Personally, can’t hold myself 100% and that’s why I was self - harming for over a decade. If I had a chance to do something bad to someone I would do it with no thought as I should protect not only myself as a kid but also my mother and brother. Even today, people see me as a sweat, nice, shy person when in reality I need only a small world before I set the world on fire. Frankly, I am able to control the anger inside me by inflicting pain only in myself as bad it may be.

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I’ve been in therapy and was professionally diagnosed with anger issues. You’d think they’d have a more scientific name, but that’s what they said. If you have any specific questions feel free to ask! I tend to black out when I’m mad personally and scarily I do whatever was in my mind before I blacked out. I’ve calmed down the past few years, but I’m still very capable of those tendencies, I just learned how to control my anger. My anger came from a place of insecurity and powerlessness, people would make fun of me or hurt me and find amusement in it and I would go absolutely bat shit. I didn’t want to control myself because I liked the fear I instilled into others, most times people would leave me alone after I blew up at them. I used to turn my wrath towards inanimate objects most of the time or even myself as I got older, the main goal was to get people away from me so I wouldn’t hurt them, but some people even laughed at me while I was in a full blown rage. I was worse as a young child to age 16 which was before therapy. Therapy didn’t help for me in that way, I never spoke about it there, my main issues for the therapist was my depression, ocd and anxiety. My birth control at the time and my adhd meds interfered with my hormones on another level and it made me so angry and sad and my emotions uncontrollable which I hated and I’ve never gone back. I either cry or just let people’s words flow over me now, it takes a LOT to get me angry now, people really have to go out of their way.

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Sorry if this turns into something of a sob story. I’m trying to give my honest perspective of the events, but obviously I’m biased.

I lash out in anger, destroy things I love, hurt myself, and tried to hurt others at my worst. The worst part about it is I’m fully aware what I’m doing is wrong, yet I can’t control myself. It’s like I’m trapped in my own head, telling myself to stop, and yet I do it all anyways.

It has ruined my trust of other people. It has destroyed my perception of them. You grow up being told “Take a moment to cool down” but when I tried retreating to my safe zone as a child, some people would follow me and continue to provoke me while acting the victim or shaming me. I learned that crying could get some of my frustrations out, but doing so made others perceive you as weak and so if you must, be very quiet about it. Being found out would make the situation worse.

Punching a pillow/soft object offers no relief for me. It only makes me angrier. Punching anything inside the house might alert people, so I made it a habit to go outside and hit grassy Earth or rugs. Won’t damaging me as much, still gets the anger out. If it’s night time, I’ll go outside and hang out for a few hours. Eventually the cold soothes me. Showers make me feel trapped and like I can’t leave, or someone might try talking to me through the door and I won’t be able to escape.

Teachers were surprisingly calm about it all. They’d take me aside and try to get me to process things on my own. I ended up in detention a lot. “Referrals”/warnings became a token of honor as I tried to turn my constant failures into something else, I guess.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more prone to just emotionally shutting down instead of getting as angry as I used to. Some people just won’t let you “cool off”.

Finally, the process of changing moods isn’t akin to “cooling off” at all to me. In less than a second I can go from breaking things to calming down to laughing and having a good time again, outwardly. But internally I’ll still feel heavy in my chest, like my bones are empty and blood is racing.

This is just my experience, of course. Hope it helps!

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Anger issues for me came from mimicking how my father behaved when I was a kid. I saw that I could either be the angry person or the victim, so I decided to be angry. It took me a long time to honestly even realize there was another way to react to something that bothered me.

I would react to anything that hurt me with anger, and it honestly felt like any time someone hurt my feelings it was an intentional attack. I’d just get so angry I couldn’t see straight. I’d scream and curse at people and dramatically storm out. I’d break things and make rash decisions like throwing something important out or breaking off a relationship or returning gifts. I always felt personally attacked.

Only from seeing others act differently did I start to realize that there might be another way. It honestly surprised me that I didn’t have to do things that way.

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