Rate The Blurb - Werewolf Edition


#1

Bringing this here from the old forums. If you’re new to it, here’s how we play this game:

Step 1: Read the blurb posted before you, rate it from 1 to 10 and give some constructive feedback on it- what you liked, what you didn’t like, what works, what doesn’t. You know how it goes.

Step 2: Post your blurb and wait for the next person to rate it and give you feedback.

:werewolf:

Here are some rules to avoid any conflicts!

#1 Give honest and constructive feedback. If there’s some negative criticism, be polite about it. Also be nice about receiving criticism. Remember, you asked for it.

#2 Rate and give feedback on the blurb above you. Don’t just post yours and expect people to rate it.

#3 If someone doesn’t give feedback/rate the blurb for the person above and only posts their blurb, ignore their post and rate the last person’s blurb who has given feedback to others.

:werewolf:

That’s all. Have fun, folks! :cool_girl:


#2

I’ll start:

Tug of War

The heart and the mind were often on opposite sides, trying to pull the other over the line. The tussle was always ongoing and for Inaaya Bansal, it was about to get all the more strenuous.

Inaaya was travelling through Canada with a well-planned itinerary in her hands. Though at no date or time was it penned down for her to witness a handsome, paranormal stranger morph into a large grey-white wolf. Axel Ellis claimed to be her soulmate and proposed for her to stay with him. To see where destiny leads them.

In the blink of an eye, Inaaya went from being a lonely twenty-three-year-old to deciding whether to move across the ocean for a stranger, a werewolf no less. How life had taken such a turn, she didn’t know. And the only options in sight: either to give in to her ever rational mind or perhaps, lend some support to her habitually mercurial heart this time.

All that remains to be seen is where the rope will weigh heavier. For the winner of this round might just take the lead in the ones awaiting Inaaya in the future.


#3

I’m sorry but I’ll have to give this 5/10.

The first paragraph is not really hooking in my opinion, and with words like ‘strenuous’, ‘though at no date or time was it penned down’, ‘itinerary’, ‘habitually mercurial’ and things like that, I’ll be out of there very fast. The wording is way too advanced English for me. If you use simpler words, I’ll be more likely to stay.

Also, just because she has to decide, she doesn’t change from being a lonely twenty-three-year-old, right? She’s still a lonely 23-year-old. What she is doesn’t change. She just has to decide something. Maybe change the wording so that it makes more sense.

Sorry, but looking at this, I would put the book down. (I didn’t mean to be harsh ;-; I swear)


The Bad Boy Mage (One of her friends will be a werewolf, so that’s why it can be tagged as such)

Destruction, chaos, and blood. No matter how much Abigail to tried to run or tried to hide her true nature, it has always found a way to consume her life.

It will no longer be suppressed.

In a fit of anger, Abigail lost it all in a matter of moments. Now, on the run and cornered like a rat, a boy with piercing white eyes and abilities similar to her’s comes to her rescue, offering her a new life, a new beginning. Left with little choice, she takes Blake’s offer.

Unfortunately, his offer comes with a price. Cocky, arrogant, and frustratingly good looking, Blake is a constant annoyance while Abigail adjusts to Salzor and the Pasith Academy for Magic. To make matters worse, her struggles catches the unbeating heart of Victor Lamar, a lost vampire prince and forever second to Blake.

Yet Abigail’s life isn’t as simple as attempting to control her powers while swatting away these two pests; the numbers of demons are growing, seeking control. A threat forcing Abigail, Blake, and Victor to come together and face it head on.

If only it were that simple.


#4

I welcome the criticism, don’t worry. I’m happy that you were honest about it. This is the very first blurb that I wrote that I was somewhat happy with, before this, mine were probably not even good for a five. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

I’ve been told to make the language simpler by one person before too but they said they thought others might not like it but they themselves did so I didn’t bother too much with it.

As for the lonely 23-year-old thing, I was honestly looking for a better word for basically telling how she was single and lacking intimacy with someone and now she suddenly had this person claiming to be her soul mate. Perhaps lonely wasn’t that good a choice after all.

Once again, thanks for your feedback. It helped greatly. :blush:


#5

My main issue with the 23-year-old paragraph thing is that she’s supposed to change from being a 23-yr-old loner into… into what? Nothing about her as being really changes, nothing about what she is. It doesn’t really make sense


#6

Ah. I think I miscommunicated there with my words then.

Lonely 23-year-old was supposed to say that she is lonely romantically. Not that she’s a loner, personality wise. I’ll try to fix it.


#7

Sounds interesting and not one of those cliche werewolf stories about mates and what not. Would definitely consider reading…

Olivia is a werewolf. Orphaned as a child, and with no memory of her past, Olivia sets off on a journey to try and understand her strange heritage.

Now this high-school student learns that her people teeter on the edge of extinction, and their only hope for survival might be her.


#8

8/10 I like the blurb! I think it is intriguing and I would definitely check the book out. The only thing I would work on is the first sentence. Maybe make it a bit more mysterious?


Ashley Winslow has had a past that no human being should ever have. Years of a dark voice that haunts her sleep that nobody knows the cause of, well that is until she meets her mysterious roommate, Leon.

Something about Leon intrigued Ashley, something she had never felt before. Leon was different from all the other boys. There was dark aura around him, if this was another guy Ashley would have ran away from him but with Leon, all she wanted was to know him.

But what happens when secrets are unfolded and people are killed, will Ashley ever find the truth or will she always be hidden by the lies of her roommate?

                                   ~~~

“Who are you?” Ashley asked into the open space.

“Someone that will make you suffer so much that you will want to die,” the dark voice said.

“What do you want?”

“Death.”


#9

6/10. I hope you don’t mind me saying this. I noticed a few places where the description could be made better. There are a few things you may need to work on.

  1. Comma placement. I know this may seem like I’m nitpicking, but it’s actually important because it sounds awkward and stilted in the reader’s head.

  2. Tense. You were writing in the simple present tense in the first paragraph but switched to simple past from the second paragraph onwards. If you could be consistent there, it would sound much better.

  3. When talking about her attraction to Leon, I thought it could be phrased better, in a clearer way.

But the story itself sounds interesting and I am heading now to take a look at it.


Bound by Duty

Danielle Ward is on the run. After killing her step-uncle, she is exiled by her pack and seeks refuge with one of her good friends. Her callous father, her jealous stepmother and her maternal pack want her blood. But fate has other plans for her.

During a royal inspection, Danielle finds that her mate is none other than the king himself. She gets swept into a series of activities from then on to prove and establish herself as the rightful queen of wolves.

But Danielle has secrets; secrets her mate finds disturbing and dangerous. What happens when he begins questioning her and pushes her boundaries?

Will Danielle, who wants nothing but to be a good queen, decide cover up the truth, or release it, risking their chance to a lifetime of happiness?


#10

8/10. I really like this, but I feel like it isn’t quite as suspenseful as it could be. It sounds like a lot of your plot is built on suspense, and mystery. One way to get at that might be to condense and re-phrase the middle two paragraphs.

Your first and last paragraphs have my attention, but I feel like the middle loses some of that suspense that you really want to build for your readers.


Animals

Clara Nichols has been on the run ever since she witnessed her sister’s murder four years ago. Forced to do whatever it takes to survive, she’s haunted by a painful past and an uncertain future.

Tired of running, she tries to return to a place that once felt like home. That’s her first mistake. Her second? Sticking around long enough to bump into Tiberius Lyons, a man with bigger problems than an ignorant human wandering around his territory. That is, until he catches her scent.

Unfortunately for Tiberius, Clara doesn’t have time to worry about a clingy werewolf who claims to be her soulmate. When girls start turning up dead, she knows it’s only a matter of time before they come for her, too. She’s left with a decision to make: face her pursuers head on, or do what she does best…

Run.


#11

9/10 I really enjoy the last paragraph. It brought an entire edge of suspense to the story, and that’s important as that’s what I’ll be thinking of if/when I come across this story again. It actually worked enough that I will want to give this a glance later!

Going Rogue: When the Moon Goddess is Forced to Live Out Her Terrible Tropes on Earth

A werewolf version of A Christmas Carol that had a baby with Spaceballs. This story is about the Moon Goddess, who turns out to be an eighteen-year-old terrible matchmaker. As punishment for diluting the werewolves on Earth with terrible drama, bad boy alphas, and so many poor mates that are rejected, she is forced to live out her terrible clichés as a lesson.

All the tropes we love will be braided together in this epic journey that she is about to go on. The irony? There will be a real plot and real character development. Something the Moon Goddess seems to be terrible at coming up with.


#12

7/10 only because it’s not my type. This def sounds like a comedy and I’m into darker stories. That aside (me being picky) I think this is really well written and quirky. I think it would be an interesting, yet amusing story to read.

Mine is from The Girl The Wolves Took

Somewhere on the border of Canada and Montana is a little town called Glasglow tormented by a girl called Mahigan. It is said that she was rescued by the great wolf Fenrir and given a pack to lead against her own kind. She lives to serve the wolf, giving her life to him so that others may be sacrificed so the prophecy of Ragnarok may be fulfilled.

Through the power of the Sight, Mahigan has the ability to change everything in time except death. As Mahigan faces an opportunity to acquire new power, a stranger by the name of Victor interferes, sending her world reeling into chaos as he threatens what she holds most dear.

As Ragnarok draws closer Mahigan must make the ultimate decision. Torn between her devotion to the great wolf and the vitality of mankind, Mahigan plays into a game that could very well be the destruction of this world and the next.


#13

9/10 I think this goes over everything really well, and I find the subject to be incredibly interesting. The blurb itself seems fine. I think this is a story that has a really high bar to live up to, but you do it just right, I think it could be quite fascinating! I will have to keep an eye out for it.

From a book I am about to publish on here: Taming of the Beast

A darkness is creeping on the continent of Marvos that is making the lands sick, dark creatures haunting its shadows, feasting on those that the darkness consumes.

Nona’s pack was victim to the creeping shadows, victim to fiends that hunt werewolves. Nona’s family was scattered, and their goal was for the mountains, but one of the beasts, desperate to consume her, chased her away from her pack until it halted, leaving her alone in lands she had never traversed.

She never saw her family agian. She was certain, that if they made it, they would be on the other side of the mountain where they fled, where the darkness can’t seem to touch. She has never been brave enough to go find out, rendering her alone for years.

Years later, she is arrested for illegally crossing onto the land of the Valmore Empire. Usually, they toss trespassers back over the border, but not with her. Not with the others.

The king of Valmore, Ronan, is a werewolf, like those underneath him, and he rules with a severity that will keep his kingdom alive as the darkness befalls them all.

When Nona sits in her cell, she contemplates life as she is sure that hers will end. Why else would she be in his dungeons, awaiting trial before him? When Ronan spares her, he indulges in his obsession for her, as she learns that she is his promised, and vice versa. Despite this, she must live in the shadows of the woman already chosen as his queen.

In the midst of these changes in her life, Nona discovers that her alpha king is hiding a secret. It is dark, and damning in nature.


#14

7.5/10- It’s interesting and definitely sounds like a story I’d be interested in, but I think your blurb could do with a lot of simplification. I think introducing Nona’s situation with her pack, followed by her arrest and the king stuff and a final line about the darkness/dark secret would be enough. It just seems rather long (I’d also advise against using place names for the sake of not chucking your reader into the world blind. It can be a bit jilting.)

Here’s mine: (Please tear it to shreds, I’m not happy with it in its current state.)

No one would call Helena an upstanding member of werewolf society. She has no manners, a sadistic streak, and has spent the last half decade terrorising the local wolf packs. Things only seem to grow more complicated when her mate arrives and persuades her to finally leave her self-imposed exile.

Now standing out in the open, Helena’s past comes back to bite her and she’s thrown head first into a conspiracy that could threaten their society’s tentative peace.


#15

Just wanted to thank you for that great feedback! I literally wrote it two days ago and just had no idea where to take it (if people even liked it) so this helps give me the direction that I wanted. So thank you!


#16

I’m glad I could help! Blurbs are really tough to write


#17

So, I like the basis of it! I really like how your MC is not the atypical werewolf trope girl.

No one would call Helena an upstanding member of werewolf society. She has no manners, a sadistic streak, and has spent the last half decade terrorising the local wolf packs.

The idea of that immediately draws me in. I would say that maybe the issue is that you give too much personal descriptors about Helena, but walking away from this, I do not know what the book is actually about. Try and add a witty (and still a bit vague) plot summary. I love the voice that you have in this, as well!


#18

8/10.

it’s definitely interesting but i feel like it’s pretty verbose and it might be hard for some readers to follow which might turn them away despite the interesting plot it seems to have. just breaking up a few of those words might make it a little less textbook in my opinion.

my summary:
Every year on the prince’s twentieth birthday, his crown is stripped as he becomes equal with his people, taking on the title of Alpha instead.

Anita is a fugitive, and human no less. When a heist go awry, Anita finds herself butting heads with the infamous Alpha Kaine.


#19

8/10 I can tell it’s very unique. Kinda hard on the werewolf genres these days. However, I’d need a bit more info to have me hooked and actually check the story.

Marina never liked being a werewolf. She felt like an animal. So one day, she runs far away from her pack. Knowing nothing about the human world, she’s stuck on the streets. Starving and broke, she decides to steal some food from a convenience store that smelled sinfully good. However, she leaves that store with more than red hands and a pack of Twinkies. What she’s running away from finds her where she never thought it would.


#20

8/10 This sounds super interesting! I have never read a book where a werewolf hates what they are. That is a really unique story line. I think the only thing is the beginning of it sounds a bit choppy to the ears. But, by the end of it I would definitely read!


From my book: Daughter of Calypso

“We are not born monsters, Kaleo,” I answer forecfully. “Monsters are made.”

He pauses, his eyes locked on mine. “Then the world made one hell of a mistake when they made us.”


For 20 years, Jensen Avery had been raised with the knowledge that at the rise of the moon on her 21st birthday, she would kill her twin brother. She was the Siphon and he was the Conduit. Their Coven’s tradition required it. She accepted it.

She was the all-powerful monster of the Coven.

But, something changed the night of her 20th birthday. She couldn’t do it anymore. She couldn’t let them turn her into the monster they believed her to be.

So she ran.

She didn’t expect to get far and she didn’t expect to meet Kaleo. She had always avoided the darkest parts of herself. But, what happens when she meets a real monster? A monster with such darkness it threatens to suffocate her.

But, darkness can only swallow what does not have light. The question is, does she have any light left?