Rate the first paragraph!

Everyone knows that the first paragraph is the most important. No matter how interesting your story is, no matter if it gets better and you consider the later chapters to be your best work; if people don’t like your first paragraph, it’s game over for you. This is what the title says - rate the paragraph of the person above you!

Rules:
Please use the number rating (2/10, 7/10, etc).

Please provide thorough “critiques” (if you will) of the paragraph above you. Provide details and suggestions for improvement - not just “it’s good” and move on. I mean, come on, man.

Please do not create any “stray posts”. That is, posts that do not critique the paragraph above you. You may chat with other users but in the same post you must also critique someone’s paragraph.

Please don’t be rude or mean. You can be honest or blunt (or both) but don’t go over-the-top!

Please put only your first paragraph, no more, no less. If someone has placed more than their first paragraph feel free to ignore them. Or you could be Jesus and critique them anyway, if you want.

Have fun!

~ Shadow :stars:

Here is my paragraph:

People call me rude, blunt, harsh. But that’s just what happens when you’re forced to eat shitty food everyday, served by an organisation you know has enough money to buy a five-star buffet.

Bump

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Until I met Frosty the Exploding Snowman, everything was going quite well.

My eyes burned at the sudden burst of blinding light, but quickly readjusted to gaze at the world outside the window. The frosty pane held the faint image of a small face, crested with joy, confidence, and a little bit of drool that was quickly wiped onto my pajama sleeve. Looking past the slight reflection, the tree branches glittered in the sunlight, decorated with baubles and ornaments of ice. Meanwhile, I could feel the chill radiating off the glass that tried so hard to hold back the forces of Minnesota winter.

(I had the one singular sentence first, and then what could be considered the ‘opening’ paragraph right afterwards. I hope you don’t mind!)

10/10 because that first sentence is hilarious and the imagery is beautiful.

This first paragraph technically is part of the rewrite that isn’t uploaded to Wattpad yet, but since it will be the finalized version, I thought I’d share it.

After the accident, the doctors had told Nathan Smith that the mind coped with trauma in mysterious ways. Nightmares, they said, were a remnant of his PTSD—fragments of horrific memories jumbled together to interpret what he had since forgotten. But if they could have somehow known what he had been through, perhaps, they, too, would understand that things were never so simple.

This book is depressing as fuck lol

@ThatGuy1076 You didn’t critique mine? Ah, no matter. It’s fine.


@Havingfun_ISKEY

I like your first paragraph. It’s good, but I think it’s way too fast. Kind of jumping straight in, leaving the readers totally confused. I love the last sentence - it’s just mysterious and good and well-written. I think maybe you should try to rearrange it so that it doesn’t feel so messed up and out of order. 7/10.

Oh my god I’m so sorry! I was so caught up in my own freaking paragraph I forgot for a moment the actual purpose of this thread. Overall, I really like the semblance of sarcasm that is almost being spit like venom. Really shows the pent-up anger. 9/10.

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The book sounds like it will be depressing as fuck. But this is beautifully written. It’s written in a a way that is subtly filled with emotion without the need for prose. It’s simple, but has a power behind it.
10/10

Life, Love And A Little Coffee

No amount of coffee in the world could perk up Ada Sinclair that night. She had a single customer at the moment and already accomplished every single task on her list and then some. Ada’s green eyes remained on the clock above the door that may very well have been moving backwards. She dropped her chin to her hand as she slouched against the counter, willing time to start speeding the hell up.

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Hello !:smile:

The Character and Story Games Club is for character and writing games :smile: as your thread seems more suited for that Club, I’ve gone ahead and moved it for you :smile:

Thank you for understanding! :yellow_heart:

Irena

Community Ambassador

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@TTBMBFF Alrighty, thanks!


9.5/10. This is good, I like it! Although I may be biased, since I am also writing something about a cafe. Anyway, the first sentence is perfect. It’s interesting, it’s well-written, it’s humorous. After that, it sort of becomes a list, though. Ada did this, Ada did that. I suggest you write it in some other way, maybe rearrange some words? Maybe erase the ‘Ada’s green eyes’ bit and just jump straight to ‘the clock above the door…’ until the end of the sentence. Despite this, I still really love it! Good job!

People call me rude, blunt, harsh. But that’s just what happens when you’re forced to eat shitty food everyday, served by an organisation you know has enough money to buy a five-star buffet.

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8/10, I love the way this shows the character’s personality and feelings, it establishes a connection with the reader early by pulling on sympathic strings, which is perfect.

Personally, I’d elaborate a little more considering how smoothly this could transition into a long-winded hilarious rant, but that wouldn’t make it better, just different. You’re practically set!

So in summary, I deducted two points because of taste, which means you can basically just take it as a 10/10 really, :joy:

Here’s mine!


Time and mercy must hate each other’s guts—that was the conclusion Phoebe had come to. She had about half an hour left, maybe less, probably less, usually less—always less. Never more. Why ever more? Because time and mercy did not associate with each other, just like how the sun chased after the moon, but the moon never stopped running. Or was it the other way around? But, one could argue that eclipses are a thing. Maybe on some days, the moon is okay with the sun, or the sun is okay with the moon. So maybe someday, mercy and time could be together.

That day was not today.


Hope it’s alright that I added an extra line, the paragraph doesn’t feel complete without it.

9/10 It was very, very good. Very descriptive, and it really leaves the reader wondering about what is happening.

The point was taken off, because I believe there to be a typo: Why ever more? I think you mean ‘never’ more.

It was a Monday morning, like any other, when Thea headed into the love chamber, where she was immediately hit with the scent of lavender, rain, and a mix of something sweet and salty. It was the amortentia–which smelled different depending on what attracted each person. Thea tried to ignore it. It was bubbling merrily in the fountain at the center of the room, and it was as if it was calling to her, but Thea had more important things to concern herself with–like the results of the brain scans she had done with the head of Cambridge’s neuroscience department, Edward Calhoun.

2 Likes

7/10. While well-written, it seems kind of… mundane. The only reason I would read past it is to see what the love chamber is, and where she is (the neuroscience part interested me). Overall, pretty good, but maybe add something more interesting first instead of jumping right into the action.


The guard had told her to stay put. No way in hell would she do that.

Alice kneeled down against the door, her ear pressed against the metal. She could faintly hear the bleating of alarms and screaming as she fiddled with the hairpin she had jammed inside the door lock.

Can I ask…do you think this paragraph works better? It’s what I originally had, before someone told me it was offensive.

Unspeakable: That cannot be expressed in words, something too horrific to ever be told. Love. Death. Power. Time. Prophecy. All a mystery, each one just begging to be solved. Thea remembered when she had been wide eyed and enchanted by the answers becoming an Unspeakable promised, for it was the first definition she had believed in, the first definition that had started it all, but it would be the last that made her break her vow.

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How is it offensive? 9/10, much better than your last one and more poetic and interesting.

Because it’s defining the word unspeakable, so therefore condescending, because it assumes that the reader doesn’t know that’s what the word means–or at least it’s what a very condescending critiquer said. But I agree–as did everyone else that critiqued it, so I put it back in.

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No, it’s totally fine. Could you follow the rules and critique my paragraph please?

8/10. It just doesn’t feel like an opening paragraph for some reason, but otherwise, it definitely creates interest and makes the reader wonder what is happening.

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7/10. I would like a little more background into the character, and her situation.

My dad was still complaining about the resistance members on the street. He seemed to think, that if he had enough whisky and cigars, and complained about them enough to Henry Abraham, another political giant, that they would vanish in the morning, yet the first thing placed on his desk every morning was a giant set of papers about the various things they did. It was understandable why he complained though. He poured thousands of dollars into getting rid of them, and they continued to wreak havoc. It was a neverending battle.

8/10 I love how you gave so many small details about the dad that really built him as a person only within the first paragraph.

When I closed my eyes it felt like I was back in my six-year-old body at the carnival. My head was spinning in circles as if I had just gotten off the merry-go-round and my stomach was in knots, just as it was when I would always eat too much cotton candy. The one obvious difference from then to now was, that when I was six there was always someone to hold my hand and reassure me that I would be okay. Now, it’s just me.

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9/10 I like how it started… mad me feel like I was the one. The last line is just as good.

Alexis Byrne isn’t your ‘normal’ teenage girl. In Ravenwood High School , teachers praise her, girls copy her and boys? They worship the ground she walks on. No, not literally… but you get what I mean. Acing her class in academics, Alexis is a pro in sports as well. Dancing? She’s a natural. Art? Stop right there. She could possibly be the future Da Vinci. To sum it up, she’s p-e-r-f-e-c-t. Sadly, nobody really is perfect.

2 Likes