9/10 Not going to lie, this snippet (and especially the last line) actually compelled me to go read the entire chapter, and I must say, bravo! I especially love the detail of Aaliyah walking away “as if strolling in the park on a fine day” while her harsh words hang in the air. It really adds a lot to the tension of the scene, and the characterization of Aaliyah as a whole. The only reason why I didn’t rate it a perfect 10/10 is that there are some grammar mistakes, particularly with this line:
" Does she need a ride home or something ?" My father questioned as I closed the car door. I shook my head and leaned back into my seat.
There should be no space between the quotation marks and the sentence, and the dialogue tags should not be capitalized. Therefore, it would become:
“Does she need a ride home or something?” my father questioned as I closed the car door. I shook my head and leaned back into my seat.
Other than that, well done!
from white blood
And then he’s gone. He takes with him the electricity of the moment, leaving Finn nothing but the stale scent of espresso in the air, a rough sketch in his pocket, and the memory of their brief encounter. The shop falls into silence for a few moments. Taxi headlights continue to come and go like an endless parade. Then, the vines on the beams above and the ferns on the window sill erupt into shrill whistles. Finn scoffs.
“Shut up, all of you.”
They continue to tease him for the rest of the night.