RATE THE LAST PARAGRAPH OF YOUR FIRST CHAPTER

Hellllllooooooo! I think we all know that a killer opening, a hooking first line, etc. is pretty important. But that first flash of interest might not last your readers till the end of that first chapter. And if they do get that far, will they want to read more? WILL WE EVER KNOW???

Probably. Nevertheless, that is why I have created this game!

How It Works: Read the post before yours and rate it on a scale of 1-10. Include at least comment saying why you gave the score. Then post your last paragraph, or if necessary, the last paragraph + the last line!

Cool? Cool. Let’s do this!

1 Like

From Really Truly, Reese:

I replay that moment a lot. Cling to it like a lifeline, a reason, a why, a hope. But sometimes, I hold it away from me with two fingers, like a dirty sock and wish there’d been some warning signs. Like a trace of alcohol on his breath, or a lingering touch that had just a bit too much pressure. Anything.

But there wasn’t. There just wasn’t.

Oh man, the drama. You got to feel bad for the character. No warnings at all and yet it feels like that moment punched them right in the stomach. You love it and you hate it and you just don’t know what to do. It goes back and fourth in your mind. Like kids playing tug-o-war. It gives me this feeling of “Will they be alright?” and “Maybe the next chapter will tell more? Oh man…”
Though I honestly don’t know what happened to make this appear. But that’s the feeling I have. I wanna give this a 7/10 because reading this makes me wonder what happened.
That and I like the final words. It gives this feeling that they’re sad and you pulled that off nicely.
~
From Nevermoon and the Midnight Realm:

Indira nods again. She picks up the wooden box. Astra’s assistant, a short woman with curly, hazelnut hair and petal pink skin, walks over and hands Indira the key. “Thank you, Philly.” said Astra. Philly’s webbed green ears perk up. “You’re welcome my mistress.” she said simply. “I will not fail you, Astra.” Indira bows and exits the throne room. Her cloak whipping behind her as she walks to the door. Astra gets up and walks over to the tall windows. Philly follows. They watch Indira take off into the setting sky. Astra whispers under her breath.
“If all of this fails, our world will crumble to nothing.”

1 Like

6/10 I’d give it a higher score but really, this should be several paragraphs and as it, I had to read it twice. I’d recommend breaking it up like this:

(I also fixed the dialogue punctuation.)


From Descent into Madness

The clicking drew closer, faster as I forced the door closed. The bolt slid back into place, locking it once more. I flinched at the dull bang that rang out as the creature collided with the solid steel door.

3 Likes

Thank you. :slight_smile: It’s still a work in progress. But I like what you did with it. It does look easier to read.

1 Like

8/10. It’s really intriguing and I absolutely love cliffhangers.

The young knight looked at the man to his right and nodded at Mór, “It’s settled then. You will kill the Red King and I will protect you.”

from my current WIP.

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8/10 it’s really intriguing but I feel like without knowing why the person would be protected lowers the score.

From my book somebody to you.

He really did wish all his bad thoughts would just float away and leave him with nothing but happiness and pleasure. He at least deserved that well at least he thought he did. But on the other hand, what made him deserve to have happiness all he did was focus on the negative things in life.

1 Like

7/10 It’s a very strong paragraph.

Ivory Black

I opened my mouth to speak but swallowed my remark instead. Then with a barely concealed smirk Aaliyah turned on her heals and walked away as if strolling in the park on a fine day. Once again I was left to watch her disappear into the distance.

" Does she need a ride home or something ?" My father questioned as I closed the car door. I shook my head and leaned back into my seat.

Aaliyah’s words swirled around in my head.

You’ll never be truly black.

8/10 I want to know more

Authority, Order, Peace

Elena suddenly felt something she hadn’t felt in years… hope. She grabed her things, and exited the door before heading to the bus station. For the first first time, the flags and propaganda posters in the streets and the buses did not make her feel powerless

Hi @AutoridadGlobal! Could you please edit your post to simply have your rating of the previous post and only the last paragraph of your first chapter as that is the portion dictated by the game rules?

Thank you in advance!

I shared the last paragraph, I do not understand the request

This would the last paragraph.

@AutoridadGlobal, I’m sorry if I seem nitpicks right now, but that is more of a last scene, not a paragraph. I only have the length specification for your own benefit/ the shorter the piece the more likely you are to get a quick rating. It also makes it easier to keep the game going.

Done. I am sorry for the incovenience

1 Like

10/10! I love this last paragraph. It makes me want to go read the actual chapter to find out why Elena feels hope, why she didn’t feel hope- and the propaganda bit really intrigues me because I feel like that indicates that’s the story is dystopian or set during a war time- and I love both settings!

Excellent job!

From Really Truly, Reese:

I replay that moment a lot. Cling to it like a lifeline, a reason, a why, a hope. But sometimes, I hold it away from me with two fingers, like a dirty sock and wish there’d been some warning signs. Like a trace of alcohol on his breath, or a lingering touch that had just a bit too much pressure. Anything.

But there wasn’t. There just wasn’t.

2 Likes

7/10 La razón fue porque no mucho entendí la escena. Pero si me llamo la atencion saber porque hubiera querido alguna señal de advertencia.

DE: No hay nube Perfecta

Si, claro que lo recuerdo - exclamó Sarah- como olvidarlo si cada día tengo que escuchar la fabulosa y fascinante historia de como mi madre se convirtió en la primera mujer en ser aceptada en ser aceptada en el

" Instituto de Ingeniería e Investigación Tecnológica".

- Sarah calmate por favor, le decía Andrew poniendo su brazo sobre el hombro de Sarah- No era mi intención hacerte sentir mal.

Lo se Andrew pero tu mejor que nadie sabes que no quiero convertirme en ingeniera, científica o algo estúpido relacionado con la ciencia.

Bueno Sarah por ahora esa es la realidad… No podemos cambiarla.

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9/10
Me pareció interesante. A lo mejor puedes terminar el capitulo con un poco más de esperanza para que el lector tenga ganas de leer el proximo capitulo muy pronto. Como por ejemplo cambiar la parte “Bueno Sarah por ahora esa es la realidad… No podemos cambiarla.” por algo al revés como “Ahora nada podemos hacer, pero este depende de ti…”

HERE IS MINE:

Should I think deeply about what’s best for me or should I just assume that what our ancestors decided is really the best for all people? After all, they are “silver hairs”. They are experient. They tested it all and came to the best solution possible, right? Silver hair equals advanced knowledge. Period!

What are you doing, Livvy?!?! Do you want a better life or not?! No more overthinking… Just trust the program.

Clear your mind!

No thoughts!

Get asleep fast and hope not to dream much…

Optimize your mind, optimize your mind, optimize your mind, optimize your zzzzzZZZZZZZZZ

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Gracias por el voto y la sugerencia

1 Like

7/10 I want to know more, curious as what your story is about.

Ivory Black

I opened my mouth to speak but swallowed my remark instead. Then with a barely concealed smirk Aaliyah turned on her heals and walked away as if strolling in the park on a fine day. Once again I was left to watch her disappear into the distance.

" Does she need a ride home or something ?" My father questioned as I closed the car door. I shook my head and leaned back into my seat.

Aaliyah’s words swirled around in my head.

You’ll never be truly black.

2 Likes

9/10 Not going to lie, this snippet (and especially the last line) actually compelled me to go read the entire chapter, and I must say, bravo! I especially love the detail of Aaliyah walking away “as if strolling in the park on a fine day” while her harsh words hang in the air. It really adds a lot to the tension of the scene, and the characterization of Aaliyah as a whole. The only reason why I didn’t rate it a perfect 10/10 is that there are some grammar mistakes, particularly with this line:

" Does she need a ride home or something ?" My father questioned as I closed the car door. I shook my head and leaned back into my seat.

There should be no space between the quotation marks and the sentence, and the dialogue tags should not be capitalized. Therefore, it would become:

“Does she need a ride home or something?” my father questioned as I closed the car door. I shook my head and leaned back into my seat.

Other than that, well done!


from white blood

And then he’s gone. He takes with him the electricity of the moment, leaving Finn nothing but the stale scent of espresso in the air, a rough sketch in his pocket, and the memory of their brief encounter. The shop falls into silence for a few moments. Taxi headlights continue to come and go like an endless parade. Then, the vines on the beams above and the ferns on the window sill erupt into shrill whistles. Finn scoffs.

“Shut up, all of you.”

They continue to tease him for the rest of the night.

1 Like

9/10, This? This is really good. Each of those descriptions feel very deliberate and set a deep contrast between the first half of the paragraph and the second. There’s only a couple small details keeping it from being a 10/10, but great job!

End of Chapter 1 of The Disappearance of Medora Izumi:

The bell rang above the door, and Medora could finally breathe and shiver the chill out of her marrow. She stared at the countertop. Two pennies had been left behind.

“What the Hell?” she asked the empty store.

She couldn’t help but look outside. The chime above her sounded like funeral bells. There were no unfamiliar cars in the parking lot and no one walking towards town. Medora looked down the other end of the road that connected to the highway out of town.

A distant figure walked away with a few white flower petals carried on the wind in her wake. Down the road was a bus parked by the side of the road. The sunlight glinting off the metal was blinding.

Medora knew exactly who she was.