Rate The Story Summary Above You! | Critique

I’m sorry if this is already a thread - I just couldn’t find it :smiley:

~Rules~

  1. Rate the person above you from 0-10
  2. Give at least a bit of critique on what you think they could improve on
  3. Add your own description and wait for feedback!

Please keep it strictly constructive - being polite is always a good thing

I’ll start:

Everyone that attends Westbridge College wants one thing; to climb the ranks of the Society Circle. Zara’s no exception, only she has a plan.

After getting the highest exam results in a contest, Chizaram Okarie transfers to Westbridge, where the only thing heavier than the textbooks are the secrets. The Circle rules the College, a miny hierarchy built on ambition and hard work. Stuck between clever rich kids and dangerous lies, Zara knows what she was getting herself into. All she wants is to show them that girls like her deserve to be Number One, too.

One year, one chance, one fool-proof plan - The Popularity Guide.

You might get more takers if you say ‘story summary’ or ‘story blurb’ because description is ambiguous. I thought you were looking at character description or place.

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Thanks!

The one thing which confuses me about your blurb is the mention of Chizaram Okarie - I mean, I assume it’s Zara’s full name, but it’s kind of jarring to drop it in when you’ve called her Zara everywhere else. You might want to just refer to her as Zara Okarie here and reveal her full name within the story itself. You might want to also make more explicit what you mean by ‘girls like her’ - that could mean pretty much anything at all!

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Oh thanks! Also, there’s an extended synopsis in the book itself but I put ‘girls like her’ on purpose. For ‘mystery’ I guess haha but thanks anyways <3

7/10
The first sentence seems a little redundant and I think there could be more conflict and details.

The blurb I made recently is akin to an honest trailer, but for my own book. I wonder whether it’s funny enough.

Thought up by some guy that uses an anagram to “Pseudonym” as a pen name, comes yet another medieval fantasy novel, that is about as creative as his pseudonym :
The Lightning Tyrant
In a magical world, which is basically a copy of middle age europe, but with magic and stuff, the capital of the kingdom is attacked by an army of… orcs, which definitely haven’t been used as the bad guys before in any other book or video game ever. But there are not only orcs, no. Symon Pude completely overwhelms you with eight fμcking different humanoid magical races in addition to normal humans, and everyone of them has a different magic. There are Orcs, Elves, Dwarves, Berserkers(Big, scary motherfμckers), Gargoyles(Greedy, blue assholes), Zivots (red haired bigots with fangs), Albos(magic Albinos with good eyes) and Souvras(Basically lizards looking and acting like people).
Don’t bother learning all those names, even the main character didn’t know all of them in the beginning.
So, wait a minute. There’s 8 different races and not even one has dark skin? Symon, are you sure you want to get the rancor of more than one ethnicity because of underrepresentation?
Instead of following an aspiring, young mage with a lot of determination, we just see the world through the eyes of … … Yeah, the name of the protagonist isn’t even mentioned once in the whole book. He’s just your regular powerless, cynical, strategical, mathgenious, extremely resilient, human farmer. He gets drafted for the army against his will and then they walk to the battle. Like, really long. It takes about 21 of 22 chapters to get there, and all that was happening up to then seems like it won’t made a difference whatsoever afterwards.

Then it stops with a battle where basically the whole army gets wiped out by fricking armoured berserker zombies, which pretty much solves nothing.

But a book is only as good as its villain. And this one has “The Lightning Tyrant”, which we don’t meet in the entirety of the novel. He’s probably an orc, but that’s pretty much all we ever get to know about him.
Staring:
(Brother Christopher, the medic) just about the only enjoyable character in the whole book.
(Virgil) What’s his fμcking name again?
(Franz) Fstop Ftalking Flike Fthis.
(Bron, berserker, officer of the royal army) Ha. Gaaaaaaaay
(Timothy Skryt, a half Albos, half Zivot, that was a thief, but now he’s an officer of the army) Better suited as main character
(Kevin Trak, souvra, Fire mage, general of the royal army.) Better suited as main character
(Keith Trak, Son of Kevin) Better suited as main character
(Main character) GET A FμCKING NAME

A whole lot of lore

So wait, there’s a character that basically cannot stand sun, has fangs and perfect eyesight. I wonder if there’s anything else with these traits.

5/10

Hey, Symon. Long time no see.

Your summary is extremely long, and isn’t really worded like a summary. Instead, it looks like a supposedly humorous meta version of your entire story’s plot, filled with information that apparently doesn’t matter – according to yourself, too:

I’d cut all of it away and go back to the basics: the MC, the setting, the problem, the stakes. A lot of people do it like that, but that’s because it works. Cut anything that isn’t strictly necessary and make it an interesting read from the start with a good hooking sentence. I’d also take out the swearing, but that’s a personal thing. Summaries are usually 100-300 words, so keep that in mind :slight_smile:

Alright, here I go. Not too happy with this blurb, but it sure as hell is better than my original one.

The Alpha’s Flame // Blaze in the Darkness

The death of the Beast Collector was the beginning of a new life for firefox kit Zanixa.

Sold to a werewolves as an illusion in a bottle, the pack is reluctant to take responsibility for the fox kit who is alone in the world. Now she’s freed after centuries of imprisonment, the pack’s resident vampire takes care of her.

Zanixa has other ideas than staying with them, though. She is eager to find her mother… if her mother is still alive. The world is a big, dangerous place for a young magical fox who knows nothing about werewolf wars, hungry rogues, or nature spirits.

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I know. That one was intentional. I even explained it.

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Sorry, I glanced over that bit as I tried to uncover where the blurb started. I’m known to have very crappy humor, so to me, this isn’t funny at all, but it may appeal to others. That’s just me. I don’t laugh at most “Try not to laugh” videos or those professional jokers, which is probably the reason why I didn’t laugh at your summary, either.

You could look at other humor books and see how they did their blurb and craft yours like it?


Edit: Okay, nevermind, do not look at the #humor hotlist.
image

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I like how concise it is! 7/10

I think the grammar is a bit funny in that second paragraph. When you start out with “Sold to…” you’re referring to Zanixa as the object, but then you start talking about the “pack” as the object in the second half of the sentence (I think?). I’d also add maybe just one more line about Zanixa as a character, rather than what’s happening to her, you know?

But I like the glimpse you’ve given us of your world! Intriguing for sure.


From: The Ephemeral (Book One: Breeder)

Centuries after the Crash, the nation of Ells struggles to fend off Rhean invaders as an unknown enemy advances on the Rim. Little is known about the new adversary, but one thing’s for certain - past the Gorge, soldiers are dropping like flies.

Meanwhile, 17-year-old Alex Kingsley can’t seem to catch a break. An outcast in society, Alex finds herself stuck in a world of static principles and hidden truths. She dreams of joining the army like her brother before her, but Ellsian law forbids women from serving in the military. Instead, girls are expected to marry young and help repopulate the nation, and more importantly, the nation’s army.

So when the city of Belgate holds its annual competition to recruit its next generation of young soldiers, Alex decides she’s sick of sitting on the sidelines. Determined to make a stand, she does what she does best - she intervenes.

It’s only when the Gates fall and the truth emerges that Alex realizes there are bigger battles to be fought.

A story of war, love, and the supernatural, we follow Alex’s journey as she strives to prove her worth to the world and herself.

(Or - a demon war with a romantic subplot set in a post-apocalyptic world)


I realize it’s kind of long, but I had to expand beyond the competition, otherwise it sounds like the whole book is about a tournament, which it’s not. XD I’d love some suggestions?

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7.5/10
Hey it’s actually a really good summary! Sounds interesting. The one thing you could do to make it a little easier to read is take out a few of your worlds terms and names. It’s hard to read that first paragraph because I don’t have much context for what these words mean, whereas in a book you’re introduced them more slowly so it’s easier to follow. Also you say there’s a demon component but your summary never gets into that.


From: Corvus
Eighteen-year-old Aiden Payne is a drifter. His only memory of home is a mysterious tattoo. While working as a gold miner, he meets Amelia Rose Wagner who has fallen in love with navigation and a mother she’s never met. But one fatal mistake leaves the pair in its ruins. Despite a world that is trying to tear them apart, they cannot help their growing attraction towards each other. Now even planning an escape might be impossible.

Hundreds of miles away, Jade Harris finds her way to a naval port after the murders of her father and crewmates. When a bounty hunter after the same pirate offers her a job in exchange for the remains of the ship, Jade accepts. As she repairs her vessel, old enemies and secretive newcomers make her question everything she knew about her father and the attack.

Now these three strangers must unbury the secrets of their shared pasts, but memory proves to be a very fickle thing.

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9/10
Hey this is actually a great summary and I am sorry I don’t have much to say because it is so good! The only thing is the last phrase “memory proves to be a flickle thing”, I understand it is some sort of foreshadowing, but it is kind of random for the last words. That is just my personal opinion though!

From: Waiting in Water
I caught his eye from the other side of the faerie ring, bright green with a hint of blue like seafoam in the sun. I felt my body being pulled toward him, through the guests drunk on faerie wine, stumbling over my floor length gown. Looking into his eyes, the fiddle faded, the ballroom around us blurring into the firefly filled sky.
He met me halfway,wrapping an arm around my hip to pull me flush against his body, my heartbeat racing at the contact. I felt his warm breath against my cheek,his eyes gazing into mine.
“My lady, you…” he murmured, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, “you are the most exquisite goddess I have ever seen. And you will be the one to hold my true name.”

Alvina has been outcasted by the Summer Fae, hiding her true beauty from the world. After agreeing with her best friend to start dating a male Faerie, she quickly gets thrown into the politics and manipulative ways of the Seelie Court. Once her true identity is revealed, will the love of her life want to kill her or marry her?
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sorry I don’t know the end of my summary posted like that
here it is again:

I caught his eye from the other side of the faerie ring, bright green with a hint of blue like seafoam in the sun. I felt my body being pulled toward him, through the guests drunk on faerie wine, stumbling over my floor length gown. Looking into his eyes, the fiddle faded, the ballroom around us blurring into the firefly filled sky.
He met me halfway,wrapping an arm around my hip to pull me flush against his body, my heartbeat racing at the contact. I felt his warm breath against my cheek,his eyes gazing into mine.
“My lady, you…” he murmured, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, “you are the most exquisite goddess I have ever seen. And you will be the one to hold my true name.”

Alvina has been outcasted by the Summer Fae, hiding her true beauty from the world. After agreeing with her best friend to start dating a male Faerie, she quickly gets thrown into the politics and manipulative ways of the Seelie Court. Once her true identity is revealed, will the love of her life want to kill her or marry her?

1 Like

@rosewater_609

7/10

It’s a pretty good summary. It’s really interesting, but I think you should add more details about the setting of the story just to give it some context.

Okay. I guess I’ll share my story summary as well. Tell me if you think it’s interesting or not.

A World That I Made

We’ve all thought of living in our own dream world, but what would you do if you got the chance? Alec Conner has to face this situation when the world starts altering around him with the elements of a story he wrote long ago in his childhood. Places and people that never existed before are appearing around the Earth and no one has more of an idea what’s happening than Alec. Will his knowledge of this new Earth help him make his way up in life or will this world of his own design be his downfall?

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6/10

It wasn’t bad, but you have some cleaning to do.

You use around him twice in the same sentence. I’d suggest changing the first instance to avoid repetition.

Read everything again carefully to make sure you aren’t missing words. I saw one place where you needed to add a word to make the sentence make sense.

The last sentence is a question not a statement. It should be punctuated as such.

The Dragon’s Valkyrie
All her life, Saidy has only known two things: servitude to her slave master and the weight of a blade. Captured at a young age by a race of demons called oni, Saidy is forced to fight time and again against other slaves of the oni as their masters wager on who will win. Her desires of freedom were long abandoned until she meets a mysterious figure who inspires her to free herself from her master by any means possible. He promises her a new life, but never specifies freedom, and she finds herself trading one master for another. However, this new master holds a dark power that threatens the Northern Realm of Tallenhiem, and Saidy finds herself fetching rare artifacts for him to use in his lust for power.

One such artifact changes her perspective of her actions and their weight in the Northern Realm’s future which leads her to one burning question: what will she do with this revelation?

2 Likes

@Eternalautumnfire 8/10 I love everything about the first paragraph it draws the reader and builds tension but the last sentence takes away the suspense. I think its fine just ending it at “his lust for power.”

Title Mafia Boss’s Bride

Katerina Tate is the only daughter of the Tate family and she’s angry. Death and devastation reek havoc on her family. The war between mafias has gotten out of hand. The only solution is to form an alliance . Since it was blood that started it all blood will end it . The two will be bound by blood and for Katerina that can only mean one thing… Long gone are the peaceful summer days of her homeland as she takes on the task that is Vincent Romanov the Don of the Russian mafia.

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no one did mine lol :frowning:

7/10
I like how concise it is and tell you exactly what to expect I would have liked to see a little bit of why any of this is Katerina’s business. Is she part of the mafia? If her family is dead why is anyone making her marry the other side?

This is mine. Feel free to bash it, I know it needs a lot of work.

Twenty-three year old JJ had enough to worry about with a curse over her head, threatening her sanity. That’s when her estranged father decided to crash into her life and beg her to find and save her half-sister. With only a photograph and her unwilling friend at her side, JJ has no choice but dive headfirst into a world of vampires.
What happens when they are forced to seek the help of the big bad monster locked away in the abandoned castle?
Why did the reclusive vampire prince agree to her ridiculous demands in the first place?
Most importantly will she ever get to reunite with her long-lost sister before time runs out?

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8/10
I like how you’ve more or less covered all we need to know about what your story is about in your blurb - I’ve got a good idea about the conflict and the stakes. I do think it could be revised to read a little smoother, though. For example, you could cut phrases ‘threatening her sanity’ and ‘and save’ (in the second sentence. You might want to add a sentence after the first mentioning what JJ’s life is like right now, too, so that the reader gets a better idea of what exactly is being interrupted by her estranged father. And this last is a little nitpicky - but instead of ‘her unwilling friend’, ‘an unwilling…’ would probably flow better.

So, here’s mine. It’s a shortish romance, so please keep that in mind while evaluating :wink::

Goofy boys guard sheep and fail catastrophically to communicate in pseudo-ancient Greece: a romcom.
If you like sunny stories, semi-accurate Greek mythology rehashed beyond all hope, or characters desperately trying to comprehend one another, this is the novella for you!

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