I am really digging the title. Definitely a set up for something interesting! I like openers that are right in the middle of the action. 8.5/10
From Delaney Blake’s Guide to Detention
I blink at the picture on my phone, looking up at Miranda on the other side of the table. My first reaction is… well, I’m a little turned on, to be perfectly honest.
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Title: Table 5
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
5/10 I feel that many writers already use this sentence, but it’s not always the first line of the story. It does create some curiosity, but I wish there was more to it. Adding a bit more detail could improve it.
The way I found myself in the orphanage is something no one can explain for various reasons.
6/10 The concept is cool, it’s a good hook! But I personally think it’s a little wordy and passive sounding for someone young (I’m guessing they’re young because they’re in an orphanage). Maybe simplify it a little to express the idea super clearly?
Title: Film Cameras, Sets, and Anxiety
“Holy shit, finally!” Chris says, way too loud for being in school. “Final bell, I’m out!”
9/10 Chris sounds energetic and very relatable! It makes me want to know why he’s so excited to get out lol
Title: All But One
First Line: “His head is so shiny, I can see the answers to the next test.” I whisper to my best friend, Ruby, causing her and everyone who heard to laugh.
9/10 I liked the way you described a head. I pictured it to be a bald head.
Title: Remember Savannah
First Line: Life is a highway. This was the song playing louder than it needed to be on the radio. Savannah was always one who liked to listen to music as loud as she could.
8/10 I can picture the character being reminiscent but maybe tweak the sentence a bit. For me personally, I find it more eye-catching.
"Life is a highway…" The song was blaring through the speakers and it reminded me of how Savannah always liked to have the music as loud as she could stand it.
Title: Finding Her (Mate Series 1 of 4)
“I can’t believe you’re leaving again man. I swear summer just started and it already over. We all miss you.” My friend Marcus and I were in my room packing up my things before I headed back to college.
8/10! Sounds quite intriguing. Somebody leaving somewhere surely leaves a place for imagination.
The balls of her feet burned as she zig zagged through the crowd, pushing her way forwards forcefully.
7.5/10. It intrigues me to the point where I have a few questions in my mind. Why is she trying to get through the crowd? Her feet are burning in pain. How long has she been pushing through that crowd?
Kingdom of Ash
My people were pillaging the inside of my broken court.
Thanks for the feedback! Yes she’s supposed to be pretty annoying at first so I’m really happy that you think it works well!
8/10 : This is a pretty good start. Despite reminding me of other books, mainly due to the title, it has distinctive dialogue, which I find important and also hard to achieve. With the dialogue, you immediately add authenticity to your characters (still unknown.) I also love what you’re telling us about the characters: they’ve left before etc. One thing: *it’s already over.
Title: Dreamy Reality
First lines: The wheelchair squeaked as I hoisted myself up into it, my muscles straining. At 11:56, the room was blanketed by shadows. Outside the three-paned windows, a few lights glimmered, making silhouettes rise and fall around me.
It was the kind of night you never wanted to experience awake - the kind of night that rang with doubts, frozen fears and ghostly memories.
8/10: I like how you opened it up! Not only did you give the reader a setting but also information about the character which wasn’t just oddly dumped. Also, the last line may me curious on these ghostly memories, prompting me to carry on reading to find out what they are. It all flowed well together, making it easy to read which is important when hooking a reader in! Good job x
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Title: Judith And The City Of Monsters
First line: The moment the car drove into the city of Harvish, Judith felt the temperature instantly spike as if she had just entered a large green house.
Thank you for the rating. I have read and reread and I still miss that *it’s mistake but I’ll fix it here in a second. I agree with the title and have since then changed it to hopefully something more original.
9/10: i like this! we’re introduced to a location and a character immediately, and i find myself wanting to know why the city is hot. is it summer? is something crazy going on with the weather? is it post-apoc? i want to know more. the only constructive criticism i can offer is perhaps change or delete the word large. does the size of the greenhouse matter? i’m not so sure.
tuesday & max
The metal is cold between her lips and, as she removes it to pin through duck egg blue fabric, she wonders if it’s what a lip piercing would feel like.
Thank you so much for the rating! I have to agree with @palestarlightcowboy - this is a good start and, agreed, the removal of the word ‘large’ would make the flow better.
This is an interesting start. I wonder what she is doing if she is thinking about piercing I don’t think this sentence needs a change, but maybe you can tell/show us what metal object her lips held Unless it’s in the next sentence
Title: Silver Darkness (Open Sonic the Hedgehog FF)
Silver the Hedgehog was levitating, surrounded by a light-blue aura, above a desert which had already swallowed half of the city seen on the horizon.
7/10. I like the imagery of Silver levitating above the desert. The comment about the light-blue aura seems to throw off the vibe of the line a little bit and takes away from what I believe should be the focal point of your opening- the half swallowed city. Other than that, it’s interesting and makes readers want to know what’s going on!
Title: Ivy Tendrils.
“You’re not thinking of going in there, are you?”
The child’s voice trembled. He outstretched a tiny hand in some sort of desperate attempt to stop her from taking another step forward but the girl was bigger, stronger, and far more determined than he was.