RATE YOUR FIRST LINE

writing

#41

Thank you. I wanted to show Silver is enveloped by light-blue aura when he is flying/levitating :slight_smile:


#42

8/10. I really like youre writing style. And it’s a good hook line to catch your readers. The only thing is you say “child’s voice” but then later go on about how she is bigger and stronger. That gives a false profile of who this second character is you have introduced. If this second character was more determined then she wouldn’t have a trembling voice but more of a sure, strong one. So i’d either stick to one version to potray, the innocent sad one or the strong independant one. Unless you elaborate and say something along the lines of her voice trembled, she was scared but knew what she had to do to survive. Expand more on why she is clearly scared but her reasons of putting her emotions aside to be strong.

Title: Endlessly
" Once Upon a Time…there were three assholes in a car. None of whom had a license.

“Press the breaks!” Rubin squeled from the back, as Ryker blew through a stop sign. The tires make an unpleasent screethcing noise as Ryker turns right on a whim, making us all lift out of our seats as the car catches air. Rubin screams in the back while I laugh into the air, pumping my fist out the window to the song."


#43

7.5/10

It made me laugh, but a bit of rephrasing would help it flow better. You hit the nail on the head with the comedic timing, but I think being a bit more descriptive in a sentence or two will help paint a more clear picture of what is transpiring.

Title : Charity
Starlight shimmers through seven small windows into the darkness of the room. Rusted barrels and cardboard boxes full of old mechanic tools fill the space, covering up the grey concrete floor. The potent odor of benzene creates a smog that pollutes the air; enough to make even the healthiest person feel en-nauseated.


#44

9/10 - I really love your use of of imagery. It introduces us to the world quickly, and makes me wonder “What is going on?” I’m probably gonna check out your story, myself! However, my main suggestion is maybe include in the last sentence a character (unless a character is supposed to walk into the setting as the lone living being, similar to the start of Of Mice and Men.)

Title of novel : Idyll

“The world came back to Dyllan slowly, and in bits and pieces.”


#45

I really like it!! it gives a nice amount of information without over-explaining. simple and to the point. one thing I would change though, is the “, and”. it may be a matter of personal preference but i feel like it might flow better if you used a hyphen! for example: “The world came back to Dyllan slowly–in bits and pieces.” a solid 8/10!

Title: When I Fall
It’s the steady rumble of the car that’s begun to drive her insane. Maybe if there was something else for her to focus on, she’d be alright, but there’s not a single irregularity in the bump, bump, bumping of the tires hitting holes in the road.


#46

8.5/10. I like the line, and the scene it sets, but I don’t find it particularly hooking. It leaves questions unanswered, but I don’t feel like they’re the right questions, if you get what I’m saying.

The Dragon Legend
A long, long, long time ago, before humans even existed, species were evolving


#47

8/10. Haha, I like what you did with the ‘long’ part XD Not only is the beginning a classic when it comes to fairy tales/myths/legends which suits the title but the ‘long’ part makes it interesting x

The Grim’s Lullaby
Three kings. One diamonds. One ace.
The five cards have been dealt to the five players and the bets placed in the centre of the table.


#48

Well it is a fairy tale type story. It’s about the origin of dragons.


#49

8/10 so there’s nothing especially stylistic that draws me to these lines, but I enjoy the idea of starting with a card game a lot. Card games naturally come with stakes of some kind, which is a solid way to start something.

Cursed Gardens
The magnolia tree was dying.


#50

8/10 I’m curious as to why its dying or what it has to do with your story.

From : Ivory Black

Elena stood with her hands spread over the chilled glass like dark sea stars.


#51

ooh, i’m wondering where elena is right now and what she’ll do next :slight_smile: i enjoy your use of adjectives! 7/10

- corduroy sweater -
“hi there, new boy!”


#52

5/10, sorry! It just seems very plain to me :confused:

What she deserves – Chapter 1

Before Nathan, I set a plan for myself.


#53

6/10 I’m kind of curious but at the same time it wasn’t vey hooking.

From : Ivory Black

Elena stood with her hands spread over the chilled glass like dark sea stars.


#54

6/10. I’m interested into what Elena will be doing next.

From my new story, The City Of Blood :

THE MARKET, DOWNTOWN CHRYSOCOLLA.

WANDA R. LUXURE

“THAT WOULD BE TEN HUNDRED BITS, M’AM,” said the cashier as he typed on his pad and placed it down. He reached a hand over his desk, wide open and ready, patiently waiting for the coins to drop. But the look in his eyes held anything but patience — annoyance, fatigue, frustration; it was combined into one suppressed emotion. His eyes slowly moved towards the clock behind me and then quickly averted its gaze, as if nothing had happened.


#55

7/10. Not the most interesting way to start a story. You should also show how tired the charcter is, not tell it. How is he anxious and annoyed? Is he tapping his foot? Is he running his hand over his hair or face?

HUNTING SEASON
If there was one thing Maxine Cooper was sure of, it was that she wasn’t very good at dealing with problems.

(I’m actually looking more for feedback and what I can do to make this better)


#56

Luckily I’m not publishing until tomorrow. This isn’t the beginning of my story, by the way. The Prologue is, but I decided not to post it in the chat. I posted the first line of Chapter One, which is still a work in progress, and thanks to your feedback, I know exactly what I need to work on.


#57

8/10 I kind of dig statements like this as openers, but if you’re looking for feedback, being more specific might help if there’s an opportunity for it? Maxine Cooper was not the right person at dealing with the specific problem at hand?

From Cursed Gardens

The magnolia tree was dying.


#58

9/10 This definitely hooks me in by leaving me with some unanswered questions. It intrigues me enough for me to continue reading further into the book to find out things such as the significance of the magnolia tree.

Faded Memories
I step into our new home and breathe a sigh of relief. This is just what I needed, a fresh start away from him.


#59

6/10 I’m kind of curious but at the same time it wasn’t vey hooking.

From : Ivory Black

Elena stood with her hands spread over the chilled glass like dark sea stars.


#60

9/10 - I actually really liked this, and it’s not similar to something I have read before.

From: Lucas
If there was one thing I wanted to tell myself, before my end, it would be a simple “there’s a reason he’s fallen”.