I’m a little…confused. Are those the character’s hypothetical last words? Who is the ‘he’ and does his ‘fall’ correlate with their ‘end’? As a line of writing it’s by no means bad; you get a good gist of the character’s personality and idiolect, but personally I like something that sets the scene a little more before going into the deeper context, as a first line. Even if you’re beginning en media res, it would be more enticing to know something broader than the character’s first thoughts about a specific event that has not yet been revealed; maybe some thoughts about the situation they were in? You could elaborate more on their ‘end’.


Title: Wildest (The Untamed Series book 3)

Her elegant fingers pranced to mask what seemed to be the yawn of her tiredness of the void she resided in. Giving the blue cottage door a sly smile, Janine pushes through and enters Odessia’s home. Because as it is known, Janine has a talent for being in the right place at the right time. It still felt odd to her, being dead. Allowing people to finally see through her. Was there really anything left for her to conceal other than her boredom, though?


It actually kinda confuses me, witch is probably do to say fact, that it is the third book. But I also think it introduced the character quite well.

Titel: Eline
The door slammed shut behind her. She took a moment to look back, a sad smile on her face, because in some way she would destroy her parents legacy for good. Not that her brother had left much of it.


This is the first line to the prologue! And the following lines to have more about the situation they are in, but I don’t want to reveal their end! Thanks for the ideas though, I will try to include more scene setting :slight_smile:


I like this a lot. It leaves the reader wondering what has happened with the protagonist’s brother, and wanting to understand why she is leaving. Strangely enough, I feel as though it’s missing something that I can’t quite place my finger on.

Title: VANITY. (Coming Soon)
“How can you possibly call this is under control?” I ask my astoundingly thoughtless older brother. I feel him roll his eyes at me on the other end of the line but continue on,“Rhyland, we owe those guys ten-thousand dollars. Problems like ours don’t just disappear!”


10/10 I loved your 1st line. I feel like you established an interesting relationship between 2 brothers and I’d be curious to see how they interact. I also get the feeling they are dealing with the mafia.

Title: The Element of Life.

Most people don’t sit around at a party playing their guitar, but I guess I’m not most people. There I was at a lame Freshman Party where alcohol is thrown into soda so the cops don’t get anyone in trouble. Anyways I sat on the stairs playing my guitar in front of the large house that was able to host so many people.


5/10 Honestly the first sentence kinda puts me of, because it feeds in the cliché of your mc not being like most characters and I kinda hate that. Mabye get rid of the first line and change the other to a bit, so that the make a good start, because I actually really like the picture of her playing guitar there in front of the house we’re the party is and it kinda makes me want to know how she ended up there.

Titel: Everything that doesn’t matter now
She wasn’t entirely sure when exactly she was born. She knew when she been found by the humans sure, but she had been around for while before that. A blurry period of time that could have been years, decades or even centuries. But mabye it didn’t matter, not really.


The concept is interesting, but the way it is portrayed in kind of typical for a fantasy. I would recommend starting with more action. The first sentence also seems wordy and awkward. Also, I don’t like that she is only referred to as she. I’d like to know her name right away so that I know who we are talking about in context. I’d change it to something like “(Insert Name) didn’t know her own age.” Also, if humans found her, we already know that she would’ve been already born, and hence, older. And if it doesn’t matter, why is it important for the reader to know? I don’t like that concept. You should give the reader information that does matter in the first opening pages.

Title: The Core of Us
Reve crouched quietly behind a tree and waited. A wabbit hopped across the lawn, it’s frame small and body moist. He took a small breath and the animal’s whiskers twitched as it turned to a sound. Reve froze, letting the wabbit’s curiosity carry it over to where Reve was hidden. It’s pink nose sniffed around the tree’s old roots and Reve took his chance. He stabbed the animal and then again, to make sure it was dead.


7/10 I like the concept of it so far.

Title: Connie Supernatural Friends

After Connie climbed up the stairs to the 6th floor, she took a deep breath and swiped away her sweat. While resting her two luggage on the chipped tiles, Connie fixated her guitar case before moving towards the narrow hallway. It was filled with furniture facing each other symmetrically. In every step she took, her heart rate sped up rapidly, questions repeating themselves over again in her head as she clenched the business card. “What the hell did I get myself into? What the fuck I was thinking? Where’s room 667?”


Its not a rabbit. It the body of a frog and the tale of a rabbit. So i named the species a wabbit. That’s why he described the skin of it as moist.


Oh sorry I didn’t know.


Yeah I know just was trying to explain why it said wabbit lol. I’m trying to rewrite and make clear but its difficult.


I am going to give this a 6/10 rating. My reasoning for this is it is quite confusing to me, and the grammar is poor in some parts of the writing. I believe that it could be really good, but it isn’t quite there just yet!

And here’s mine:

Title: A Mission of Malice

"Are your monsters ready to march, Skyldr?" Allvaldr spoke softly to the solemn, dark man, in front of him, Skyldr, although his voice could be heard clearly throughout the silent chamber.


It gives off a fairy tale-esque vibe, and the unique names just adds to the effect. It would do well as a second or third line, however, and not very much as a first line. Maybe add a one-liner to describe the setting before the line, which would make it smoother and more interesting. I’d give it a 7/10 for a first line.

Pila Lux

I had never been one to back down from a fight.


I love it. It immediately jumps into the action. Right off the bat I’m wondering about the cicumstance and about the character, which is exactly what a first line should do. 10/10

Title: The Smiling Fate

In a room which closely resembled an office building sat a network of women, all in front of computer screens.


Thank you! :blush:

While it could be more action - ish, I think it was worded very well and very intriguing. However, it does lack action, so maybe slip in a bit more. 8.5/10.

Pila Lux

I had never been one to back down from a fight.


Here’s the thing…this shouldn’t be something I would actually be interested in only because I have a very specific taste in books… mostly dark romance.
But just the 1st line has me asking so many questions…I would actually read it. Because I want to know where there women are? Why are they there? Why are they all in front of computer screens? What are they doing?..and the list goes on.
So does it make me want to read more? Absolutely.
So like 10/10.

Title: Katherine : His Love, Her Revenge

Prologue’s first line
Hands on my waist, gripping me tight. Lips crashing, tongues fighting for dominance. My hands pull his head away from mine, as I try to catch my breath.

Chapter 1 1st line

I hate this.

There are way too many people wearing clothes that are very uncomfortable, considering the thousands of dollars they cost.


Title: The dark void

The first thing I hear is complete and utter silence.


Title: A world of shadows and mirrors

It was that time at night, when the moon shone brightly and lit parts of the forest, causing shadows to creep out, giving the place an eerie feeling.


I like the prologue’s beginning. I love stories starting mid-action. I believe they keep you guessing and you want to read on. :slight_smile: