Rate Your First Paragraph!

game

#1

Hi! So the title is self explatatory:

1.- Rate the paragraph above yours. From 1-10.
2.- Give feedback of how could the writer make it better.
3.- Post your first paragraph.


RULES

1.- Be respectful
2.- Give serious and helpful feedback. Nobody wants to receive a 2 lined feedback full of blurb. Give the author genuine recommendations :slight_smile:
3.- Please don’t post your paragraph more than 1 in a consecutive way. It’s ok to post it again, but give others the chance to be discovered and get feedback.
4.- Have fun


#2

I’ll start :slight_smile:

See You Under the Tree I In progress

Here I was.

I walked around the new house studying the main room. A dusted wooden floor, and a black velvet sofa were surrounded by opened carton boxes with Sharpie names. They were making it almost impossible to walk around the house. Noah, mom and I had spend the entire summer on the move, and it still looked like a mess.


#3

this paragraph gives me the feeling that they’re overwhelmed with the mess in their new house. Although I can easily picture the scene, I think the descriptions could have been worded a little better, for example:
“As I walked around and studied our new house, my eyes came to rest on the messy main room. A thin layer of dust blanketed the wooden floor and boxes full of stuff surrounded our black couch. My mother, Noah and I had wasted our entire summer on the move, yet our house showed no improvement.”
I think something like that sounds more fluid. Keep up the good work!


Camp Red Lake Excerpt:

“All rise!” My mother and her boyfriend followed the Bailiff’s gruff instruction just as the door behind him swung open. “Juvenile court is now in session. The honorable Judge Davis presiding…” I swallowed as an older gentleman with a stern face and snowy hair sat behind the bench. “Good morning ladies and gentlemen” Judge Davis paused before taking his reading glasses out of his chest pocket. “Calling the case of Glory Mercado Vs. Hazel Gallego. Are both sides ready?” he asked without looking up from my file.


#4

It’s a little hard to picture the scene here, and I only realised about halfway through that they were actually in a courtroom. There’s a lot of names mentioned in only a few words and it might be better to slip the speech up a little more so you can see the characters before they’re being spoke about. Also, I don’t think it’s the same person doing all the speech here, and it’s important to start a new paragraph for a new speaker.

Here’s mine:

Ekko had never seen the sun. It was out there, somewhere, behind the sheet of blackness that filled the whole sky, but it hadn’t risen for more years than she’d been alive. She’d been born into a world of eternal darkness- an Oblivion, her family had called it, when they were still alive. They’d taught her that only the strongest of them would survive, and she’d taught herself that there was no one stronger than she.


#5

Wow, I love this so much. Your first sentence is a really good hook, and the whole paragraph is a great world-builder but isn’t boring or a barrage of information. I think the last line sounds like she’s just convinced herself that she’s the strongest, not that she taught herself to be the strongest. (the latter of which is what I think you were going for) Maybe “…and she made sure that there was no one stronger than she”?

I read your first chapter and I love it, I will definitely be awaiting every update!

Here’s mine (and it’s so wack because mine is also about Oblivion; it hasn’t been incorporated yet but that’s the plan):

It was humongous. Zhala peered at it from the small window of her cabin, or maybe it peered at her. It sat looming on what might have been the edge of the horizon, had she been back on Earth, but her depth perception had become nearly nonexistent in space. The foreign behemoth pulsated and throbbed, an ever-growing moshpit of both nothing and everything all at once. Surrounded by an inferno of blazing light, it wasn’t dissimilar to a solar eclipse.


#6

I like the world building that is included in this paragraph. We learn who the MC is and that she is in space. You also include a bit of a mystery: What is this object she is looking at? It piques my interest.

A small suggestion: The phrasing in your final sentence could be smoothed out a bit. “It wasn’t dissimilar to” is unnecessarily wordy. It would be stronger to simply say it looked like a solar eclipse.

——————-
Title: Journey to Joseph (complete)

First Paragraph:

Hildegund raced down the wide cobblestone street, dodging and weaving around merchants and their overburdened carts. She silently cursed the slow moving mules jamming up the road. “Come back here, Adso! If you don’t give it back to me, I’ll tell my father,” she shouted through heavy breaths.