Rate Your First Paragraph!

Hi! So the title is self explatatory:

1.- Rate the paragraph above yours. From 1-10.
2.- Give feedback of how could the writer make it better.
3.- Post your first paragraph.


RULES

1.- Be respectful
2.- Give serious and helpful feedback. Nobody wants to receive a 2 lined feedback full of blurb. Give the author genuine recommendations :slight_smile:
3.- Please don’t post your paragraph more than 1 in a consecutive way. It’s ok to post it again, but give others the chance to be discovered and get feedback.
4.- Have fun

I’ll start :slight_smile:

See You Under the Tree I In progress

Here I was.

I walked around the new house studying the main room. A dusted wooden floor, and a black velvet sofa were surrounded by opened carton boxes with Sharpie names. They were making it almost impossible to walk around the house. Noah, mom and I had spend the entire summer on the move, and it still looked like a mess.

3 Likes

this paragraph gives me the feeling that they’re overwhelmed with the mess in their new house. Although I can easily picture the scene, I think the descriptions could have been worded a little better, for example:
“As I walked around and studied our new house, my eyes came to rest on the messy main room. A thin layer of dust blanketed the wooden floor and boxes full of stuff surrounded our black couch. My mother, Noah and I had wasted our entire summer on the move, yet our house showed no improvement.”
I think something like that sounds more fluid. Keep up the good work!


Camp Red Lake Excerpt:

“All rise!” My mother and her boyfriend followed the Bailiff’s gruff instruction just as the door behind him swung open. “Juvenile court is now in session. The honorable Judge Davis presiding…” I swallowed as an older gentleman with a stern face and snowy hair sat behind the bench. “Good morning ladies and gentlemen” Judge Davis paused before taking his reading glasses out of his chest pocket. “Calling the case of Glory Mercado Vs. Hazel Gallego. Are both sides ready?” he asked without looking up from my file.

1 Like

It’s a little hard to picture the scene here, and I only realised about halfway through that they were actually in a courtroom. There’s a lot of names mentioned in only a few words and it might be better to slip the speech up a little more so you can see the characters before they’re being spoke about. Also, I don’t think it’s the same person doing all the speech here, and it’s important to start a new paragraph for a new speaker.

Here’s mine:

Ekko had never seen the sun. It was out there, somewhere, behind the sheet of blackness that filled the whole sky, but it hadn’t risen for more years than she’d been alive. She’d been born into a world of eternal darkness- an Oblivion, her family had called it, when they were still alive. They’d taught her that only the strongest of them would survive, and she’d taught herself that there was no one stronger than she.

2 Likes

Wow, I love this so much. Your first sentence is a really good hook, and the whole paragraph is a great world-builder but isn’t boring or a barrage of information. I think the last line sounds like she’s just convinced herself that she’s the strongest, not that she taught herself to be the strongest. (the latter of which is what I think you were going for) Maybe “…and she made sure that there was no one stronger than she”?

I read your first chapter and I love it, I will definitely be awaiting every update!

Here’s mine (and it’s so wack because mine is also about Oblivion; it hasn’t been incorporated yet but that’s the plan):

It was humongous. Zhala peered at it from the small window of her cabin, or maybe it peered at her. It sat looming on what might have been the edge of the horizon, had she been back on Earth, but her depth perception had become nearly nonexistent in space. The foreign behemoth pulsated and throbbed, an ever-growing moshpit of both nothing and everything all at once. Surrounded by an inferno of blazing light, it wasn’t dissimilar to a solar eclipse.

3 Likes

I like the world building that is included in this paragraph. We learn who the MC is and that she is in space. You also include a bit of a mystery: What is this object she is looking at? It piques my interest.

A small suggestion: The phrasing in your final sentence could be smoothed out a bit. “It wasn’t dissimilar to” is unnecessarily wordy. It would be stronger to simply say it looked like a solar eclipse.

——————-
Title: Journey to Joseph (complete)

First Paragraph:

Hildegund raced down the wide cobblestone street, dodging and weaving around merchants and their overburdened carts. She silently cursed the slow moving mules jamming up the road. “Come back here, Adso! If you don’t give it back to me, I’ll tell my father,” she shouted through heavy breaths.

1 Like

8.5/10. I really don’t have too much to suggest to improve on it, but the last line–her shouting through heavy breaths reads a little awkwardly. Perhaps something like this:

…If you don’t give it back to me, I’ll tell my father!" she huffed out.

And then maybe explain why that would matter to Adso. Other than that, it’s really good.

Mine:

Unspeakable: That cannot be expressed in words, something too horrific to ever be told. Love. Death. Power. Time. Prophecy. All a mystery, each one just begging to be solved. Thea remembered when she had been wide eyed and enchanted by the answers becoming an Unspeakable promised, for it was the first definition she had believed in, the first definition that had started it all, but it would be the last that made her break her vow.

I’d give this a definite 9/10! your writing style is so nice and I like it when a writer is able to use language and emotives, especially in a first paragraph x

HER VS. I
10:56 p.m, Monday, November 23rd, 2009.

VIVIANNE MONROE had placed the last bowl of mashed potatoes on the long mahogany table in the dining area, soft hums of 90’s jazz from the radio floated through her bones and she danced lightly across the lengthy hall and back to the kitchen.
Corduroy walls lined with framed family photos and Oxford Library books that sat on a blinding white shelf, even in the dimmed lighting of the vanilla and rosewood candles placed strategically around the house, despite her husband’s opposing critique. Augustine’s hands couldn’t help but gently brush against the rough exterior of the books, the smooth texture of the frames and the heat that wrapped around her palm when it swayed over the candles.

Solid 9/10!
I adore your writing style. The description flows beautifully and your words are chosen well - I really feel like I’m there! This is a great start and would definitely hook your readers in.

~

First paragraph of The Last Beacon:

The Newt’s Eye Pub was dismal.
Thursday evenings usually deemed the place full of life and thick with the smell of sweat and alcohol, although the bar that evening seemed a different place, as if the spirit had left the building. There were no bar songs sung in off-key harmonies by drunkards. No young lads out for a stag night.
There were only four people in the room that evening.

8/10. It was very interesting! I just would have liked it to be a bit longer.

~

First paragraph of The Soulmate System

My dad was still complaining about the resistance members on the street. He seemed to think, that if he had enough whisky and cigars, and complained about them enough to Henry Abraham, another political giant, that they would vanish in the morning, yet the first thing placed on his desk every morning was a giant set of papers about the various things they did. It was understandable why he complained though. He poured thousands of dollars into getting rid of them, and they continued to wreak havoc. It was a neverending battle.

10/10. I rly liked it! It made me want to read more and the punctuation and spelling was great!


First Paragraph of Dragon Warrior

"Help! Please help! Somebody!" Desta heard a voice calling from where she was walking along in the suburbs of New York City. She sighed and thought for a few seconds. She was trying to get to a party at her friend Julia's but there was a person in distress. Ugh. What should she do? After deliberating for a few seconds, she hurried toward the person.

7/10 its a bit brief to have too many comments on but, definitely left wanting to know more!

Landing in Love
As I walked out of the terminal, I rolled up my sleeves and looked around the room anxiously. In the mix of people, I was standing on my toes, trying to see over heads of strangers. Suddenly my name was being called out from somewhere that I couldn’t see.

1 Like

9/10. Interesting, honestly. Plus, there’s a sense of intrigue that the readers are bound to feel… Why was she so anxious? Who was the person? Being the two questions that came to my mind. So yeah, its interesting and I’d go on reading.

“Okay, take a deep breath. There’s no need to be scared…” Alyssa Taylor repeated in her head like a mantra as she cut off the ignition of her car. She had finally arrived at Dilbert High School, her new heaven or hell . Her previous school had been heaven, and she hadn’t wanted to leave at all, until she had to. Living in Winchester would’ve killed her…it had already started doing so.

9/10 Starts right into action. I love how it is hinting that it will be hell, both with the italics of hell and the mention of the other one being heaven. The last sentence left me really curious, especially the fact that Winchester had already started killing her.

Title : Overseer of the forest

The dreams were recurring, and frightening to say the least. She needs not even close Her eyes, for She awakens in the same forest She loses her vision. Sometimes She dreams the blades of grass, other times Her vision displays the boundless sight of the elder tree. Having long lost Her identity, She has no choice but to live in the dreams of others.

7/10
Now, let me put on my critiquing hat and tell you why I gave you this rating.

This part is a good hook. Immediately I was asking questions “What dreams? Why frightening? What’s going on?” which is good, you want the reader to do that. What threw me off was the capitalized pronouns. At first I thought “Her” was different from “She”. The “She” that awakens, l thought was different from the “She” in “She needs not even close Her eyes”. By the way the phrase is “She need not”. You don’t need an “s” on “need”.

To fix the confusion with “She” and “Her” it makes sense only when you say at the very end,

So, my suggestion is to put the last sentence after the first one:

“The dreams were recurring, and frightening to say the least. Having long lost Her identity, She has no choice but to live in the dreams of others. She need not even close Her eyes, for She awakens in the same forest…”

So, like what I did above.

You might play around with how to end the first paragraph a little more nicely because then after fixing it, ending with

sounds a bit abrupt. You need something after this and it would all depend on what the following paragraphs are like. If I would give any suggestions on this, I would have to look at the rest of the chapter.

1 Like

Mine:

From “The Scepter of Tamido” YA fantasy

Pinti twitched her whiskers, frustrated when she lost the scent of the squirrel-animal again. Grimacing, she searched around the forest floor and found it. This time, she didn’t let go. Following the scent took her beyond clan borders to forbidden territory, but in reality, she was still sitting in her room cross-legged with a book across her lap. Trilling with excitement when the squirrel-animal scurried off again, Pinti used only her sense of smell to track it. Ever since she found out she was able to stretch her senses further than any Kathula ever could, she never missed a chance to practice whenever.

1 Like

Thank you for the suggestions, they help a lot! :heart:

1 Like

Okay, first of all . . . wow! This sounds so freaking interesting. 10/10 for pure creativity. I’m impressed. I would definitely keep reading. I do have some editing suggestions for you though. 1) You use the phrase “squirrel-animal.” I don’t know if there are any squirrel’s which aren’t animals in your story, but unless it’s extremely significant you state it this way, I would suggest you simply use the term squirrel. Sorry but squirrel-animal reads and sounds just a tad bizarre to me. 2) The following sentence.

The wording sort of drags a little bit at this section. I think it’s mostly just the usage of the term “sitting in her room cross-legged.” That term has always struck me as a little weird, so maybe that’s just a personal thing. Specifying she is sitting with her legs crossed, however, isn’t really a significantly relevant detail (I would assume, at least), so I would suggest leaving it out. Take this with a grain of salt though, if you like it how it is. I would just recommend changing the wording, such as to say:

. . . but in reality, she was still sitting on the floor of her bedroom with a book in her lap.

  1. This last sentence. It’s already stated she never misses a chance to practice, so adding whenever at the end seems kind of repetitive.

And that’s all I got! Overall, really good, I enjoyed reading it. :slight_smile:

Now, for mine. So far the title is The Children of Anguish (which is susceptible to change once I finish writing the actual story lol).

The children of anguish were the ones we set on fire. We could hear them screaming and crying as the flames roared high among them. I was only a child myself, but still I remember the sound of it all. . . . even the screeching resonance of the chains which bound them as they burned. I shouldn’t have been able to hear the cries of the metal, but it at least assured me I’d had done well in keeping silent amongst the mayhem. Had they discovered all that I could hear, surely, I would have burned too.

2 Likes

Thank you :slight_smile: and thank you for all the pointers! :smiley:

The “squirrel-animal” is actually supposed to make you like “WHAT” :stuck_out_tongue:
But yeah, I had considered not putting it in. Still thinking about that. Adding a redundant “animal” at the end of animal names is sort of part of this world (which was once filled with anthros…)…anyway, working on that :slight_smile:

is actually different from sitting cross-legged…unless I’m wrong :0 I need to check on that, thanks :slight_smile:

Hmm…I’ll have to think about that. It points to the next paragraph where her father comes in because she was supposed to be studying. I’ll ask around and try to get more opinions on that. Glad you enjoyed it :smiley:

okay what 10/10 amazing wow im just in awe right now can you share the link please

“Dad! whats going on?”

I tried my best at being audible through the many screams coming from outside.

“It’s okay my princess. I wont let anything happen to you. Everything’s gonna be alright” dad whispered in a shaky voice.

Is dad scared too?

I sat there silently with my sister as mommy paced through the room in her white gown.

There was a loud banging on the door and all of us froze in our places.

Dad opened the door and two guards ran inside and tried to lock the door.

Are they being chased by someone?

I turned my head towards the window and a big person with glowing eyes was flying outside.

Like fairies. But, he wasn’t a fairy.

His smile wasn’t pretty either.

I didn’t like how he stared at me.

I took a step closer to the window to see if there was a rope which he maybe holding.

No. definitely flying.

“Faith! Hope! Get away from there!” mommy screamed loudly as she ran towards.

She pushed us away and i fell down beside the bed really bad.

Hope tugged on to my arm. As she let out an elongated scream.

“Mommy!”

I looked back at mommy as my heart raced. The scary flying man had bitten moms neck.

“Your majesty we have to leave” The guard said trying to hold back my dad who was probably going to punch the bad guy .

Another one the guards pulled us under the bed and we crawled out the other side .

Hope was crying. I was hurt too i couldn’t keep myself from crying.

But mom’s will be okay right? I know she will be.

“listen to me you highness. you are going to run as fast as you can and don’t look back okay”

We nodded vigorously to his words.

“His majesty will be waiting outside”

“Dad is out side” hope said between muffled sobs.

I don’t think we have time.

I yanked hopes hand as I ran to the door.

Dad wasn’t there. No one was.

So we kept running.

And running

Until I saw dad outside the back door being held by two guards.

"They are hurting him"Hope screamed.

As much as I hate to admit it. they are protecting daddy.

We ran straight into his arms and he embraced,

I can’t believe it. He’s… he’s crying.

Is mommy gone.

Whats happening.

“I’m scared dad” I whispered.

“The Queen’s dead your majesty” the guard from under the bed came running to us.

“No!” I let out a long scream.

no one was ready to explain anything to us.

We were quietly escorted to one of the palace cars.

Dad didn’t even come with us.

The driver hurriedly drove the car out and far away from the palace.

Far away from the scary things.

Or maybe towards them.

The last thing I saw before blacking out was our car hitting the man who bit mommy.