I still don’t like the excerpt. You say it’s important but out of context it means absolutely nothing to me, it’s just two random people talking and it’s not even lines that are gripping to me.
As for the rest of the blurb, I like it a lot better. Here’s my suggestions:
I might suggest tightening it up a little bit. Maybe something like The Red Moon is a rare phenomenon that has everyone in Rawthor wondering why it’s happening now. This shortens it down to one sentence but includes both that it’s happening and that the people are wondering why it’s happening. Then you could move the heathens line to the first paragraph and combine the two. So it would be: The Red Moon is a rare phenomenon that has everyone in Rawthor wondering why it’s happening now. Heathens, scholars, and believers all agree on one thing - it’s not a good omen for Rawthor. (I just tweaked the heathen’s line a little)
Is this girl his wife? Girlfriend? Daughter? I’d like it to be a bit more specific so we know how she’s important to him. Just as an example: Usman Bakhtyar Khan doesn’t care about the red moon or the people’s fear over it. He wants only to make ends and take care of his daughter/wife/sister, the only person who means anything to him.
I’d still like to see a quick mention as to what a sellsword is. Doesn’t have to be long, just give me some context. Even if you’re answering it in the first chapter, let me know right off the bat what a sellsword is. So an example would be He is a sellsword, a hired thug to right a persons wrongs. And he’s very good at his job.
For the most part this is fine. But if he only cares about earning his living and taking care of the girl mentioned a little before, then I might emphasize the girl here more instead of a vague everyone. Suggestion time: His life takes an abrupt turn when a new client seeks him out. The client willingly put’s Usman’s sister/daughter/wife in harms way unless Usman does exactly what he asks. The job is to kill and the target is someone far more powerful than Usman has ever faced before
This is the part where you really lose me. It’s too vague and not really a clear stake. Particularly the use of “possible” does it or does it not put his life on the line? And what woman? Is it the same woman as previously mentioned? A different one? That’s where being more specific about the girl before will help a little. But still, make the stakes a little more clear. Plus how does this all tie into the red moon? Example time of how you might be able to tie it together, obviously without knowing for myself how it all links: Usman reluctantly accepts the job, putting his life on the line. A task which becomes harder as he falls in love with the very woman who caused the Red Moon in the first place. Usman is torn between duty and desire. If he picks the wrong choice all of Rawthor will crumble.
Overall, aside from the excerpt I do feel this is a vast improvement. It still needs more specifics, but it’s getting there. Don’t be afraid of having more clarity just because it’s answered in the first chapter. Some things are okay to be repeated because the blurb needs to give the reader a sense of the characters and the journey they’re on. Unless it’s something common like a character is a blacksmith (everyone knows what a blacksmith does) you need to give us context as to what they are. Doeesn’t have to be long, can just be a quick single sentence explaining what a sellsword is and who the people are.
Hope that helps!