Sci-Fi Say Hi - Open Story Critique



The “Easy Money” - not so much a slow start, I think, as a classic noir one. With the main to match. As I said in the in-lines, i would love it if his AI girlfriend is portable and participates in his adventures (hopefully) to come, not just play the role of the ‘secretray’ to a noir private eye. I liked her :slight_smile:

A tiny nitpick, in your summary, it should be province, not Provence, I think?


I have been gentle with you. :slight_smile: Thoughts on chapter one are inline.


It’s Old Republic! I approve! I’ll certainly give it a read a bit later today, must work now. :slight_smile:


Thank you for using gentle fluffy kitten punches with me :stuck_out_tongue: I’ve never really gotten feedback on any of my stuff before. My writers tough skin is about as durable as wet tissue paper right now. I appreciate you taking the time to give such helpful feedback :slight_smile:


If I can’t find anything positive to say I don’t comment at all. Hasn’t happened very often but on a couple of occasions I’ve come across writing so bad I literally found myself with nothing to say. And one of those had already been edited - by the author’s ‘friend’ - and published on Amazon. I honestly wanted to cry.


Very recognizably the Old Republic for me, and I enjoyed the straight-into-action feel.


Did you also chuckle at the hive of scum and villainy reference? I was particularly impressed Adam managed to get it in as early as the second paragraph. :rofl:


Provence. Good catch.

I’ve been toying with the idea of the AI being portable - the “how” of it becomes apparent later on - but iirc, a situation hasn’t arisen in which it could happen. Yet. I will keep it in mind.


Gods, I love the Scum and Villany… it is also an Operation in a MMO I played (Swtor), and I loved it.

Sorry to plug in my own story, but I’ve just added a bit of a short-cut by adding the intro block like many sci-fi shows do, so if anyone can tell me if it hurts or helps, i’d love to know.


My MC’s ship has a portable verson of it’s AI on a tablet like device. The AI is called Louie and he apparently has a hot French accent, which my MC and her shipmate selected themselves. I don’t know the where’s or why’s of their choice. It just popped in to my head. :blush:


I’ll check it out over breakfast tomorrow. Time for me to hit the hay. :sleeping:


I’m happy you caught the scum and villany reference :slight_smile: it just felt so right to include it :stuck_out_tongue:


I’ll give your story a look tomorrow :slight_smile: its in my “to read” list now


Thank you, much appreciated!

Keep the asks coming, guys!


Hello there!

It seems that your thread is more fitting for the #story-services:book-clubs section. I am going to move your thread there.

Thank you for understanding!


Community Ambassador


I’m on to your request now. Thanks for the comments on Chapter 1.2. You’ve given me a solution for that gaping plot problem that I can solve with a quick revision so :cupcake: :cupcake: for you in gratitude. :slight_smile:


I had no idea I did it! And thank you so much for the comments. I am going to let Ch 1 sit for a bit to soak in the feedback and try to find a balance between all the different things :slight_smile:


I’m slowly but surely working my way through chapter one (reading on breaks between classes today, takes forever to get through anything) but I like what I see so far, there’s a nice balance of providing details on the character, showing off the worldbuilding and kicking off the plot. I’m not sure how much I’ll be able to point out for improvements, but I think I’ll pick up the book for fun :slight_smile: I’m enjoying what I’ve read so far and want to see what happens


Aww, thank you, it is a very silly story, but I thought it would be fun :slight_smile:

And, more links! Good folks, more links!


Silly and fun is good :slight_smile: I think we see enough doom and gloom in the news so the world needs its silly fun