Share A Paragraph | Fantasy Edition

Share a paragraph or two from your fantasy book and see what other people have to say about it! Rate each post on a scale of 1-10, 1 being it wasn’t the best (explain why, let them know what they could do to improve) and 10 being amazing (explain why you thought it was great)!

Rules:

  1. Don’t link your story.
  2. Don’t ask others to read your book.
  3. Be kind.
  4. Have fun!

Here’s mine from The Wolf and The Crow:

Sylas breathed deeply, his gaze focused on the straw made target, which took the shape of a man. His body buzzed, like the warmth one felt when drinking ale, fueling him. It coursed through him in a steady rhythm, and reminded him of soothing waves of the lakes.

There was a tingling in his fingertips, akin to the prickle of a limb falling asleep, that travelled its way up his hands and to his arms. A flicker of blue-white lightning danced across his fingers, before morphing into a sphere in the palm of his hand. It sizzled and screeched as he shot it towards the target.

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Unmasked
My Heart beat like a drum, causing my ears to ring. Taking a deep breath I opened the door. In the room was a horde of people. I had waited over thirty minutes for someone to escort me but no one came so I entered not only late but also escourt-less. I was stared at by the masked unblinking eyes. I heard mutters of things like.
“Country bumpkins can’t even keep track of time.” and
“That dress went out of fashion almost a decade ago.” They were right of course, but they didn’t need to know that. So I gathered my courage and pulled myself together. I looked around for someone I knew but I had never been to the capital. So all I received was more judgmental eyes. I then noticed my brother sitting in the corner.

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Chieftaytay: The wold and the Crow. 5/10
I liked your descriptors but I think it could be cut down a bit. It felt a little long for what it was trying to convey. nothing is wrong with it I just think it could be better. This is such a good idea I am sad that more people did’t give it a shot.

7/10 Passing grade, but some over explaining made me want to skim it.

6/10 Super out of context so I’m not sure whats going on, doesn’t quite fit the genre of fantasy I read either so that doesn’t help, and the dialogue being split the way it is feels weird.

Vile

I snap out of my shock and disbelief and run to Werydd. Her face has deep cuts, blood is spilling over her face, and she sputters spitting it up. I kneel down next to her, take aim with my rifle, and begin to fire at every wolf that looks like it’s heading our way. Shriver dives to the ground by our side, tearing his shirt off and holding it to the wounds across her face. I fire my rifles whole clip, reload, and fire again and repeat for what feels like an eternity.

A woman in fine robes, with many necklaces dangling from her neck, kneels beside Werydd on the other side of her from me. She grabs one of her necklaces, says what I can only assume is a prayer, dips her free hand in a waterskin at her side, flicks the water onto Werydd, and then dips her hands into a pouch on her other side. The water bubbles and Werydd screams out in agony. The other woman’s fingertips are covered in silver dust as she brings her hand out and she presses her fingers into the deep bite on Werydds arm. After a second the wounds slowly closes, the flesh quickly growing scar tissue, and in seconds the wound is healed. Magic or science; it’s growing harder to believe in logic.

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ya that makes scents I could have chosen something a little easier to read out of context.
Vile: 7/10 it was fast passed with out being over whelming. That last line really pulls people in and makes me wonder what is coming next.

I took a good 10 minutes skimming my story judging what would read the best out of context.

“But, I don’t have any weapon. How will I survive?”

Amun-Ra chuckled and said, “That’s the thing, dear Jones. You are ignorant of your true power, not realizing that you are the weapon. You have an amazing gift, dear Jones…” he opened his palm, and flames danced on it," The gift of fire magic. You were born with the ability to create, control, harness, and even manipulate fire. That tingling sensation in your fingers is the fire in you, waiting to be unleashed. All you have to do is feel for it, feel it, and release it. Of course, without me, the source of your fire magic, you cannot harness more than thirty percent of your power. Only when I am released in my full essence can your power exceed that percentage. No worries, though. Thirty percent is more than enough to take down Apep, assuming he hasn’t gotten stronger and you can harness that percentage effectively enough."

I looked at my free hand. I tried to feel for the ‘fire in me’ as he called it, but I felt nothing.

He shook his head, “No, Jones. The fire does not come from your hands,” he pointed at my chest, “It comes from your heart.”

I tried again, feeling for the fire. Still nothing.

"It is yours, Jones, "Amun-Ra said, “Your fire. You command it by will, the same way you use your will to move your hand, to blink. Use your will.”

I nodded and used my will to create the fire.

I don’t know what I expected. I do know that I did not expect my hand to catch fire.

I yelped, and Amun-Ra laughed, “Wonderful! You can now command it to do whatever you wish!”

"Wonderful?!"I yelled, standing up, “My entire left hand is on fire! How is that wonderful?!”

So, yeah. That’s it…

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7/10 This bit is quite amusing, and considering I don’t have any context to go off of, I had a fair idea of what was going on. For me, some of the issues with technicalities were distracting.

Amun-Ra chuckled and said, “That’s the thing…

Dialogue should always be the start of a paragraph. So, in this case, you could do something along the lines of
“That’s the thing, dear Jones,” Amun-Ra chuckled. “You are ignorant…”
Then later, where Amun-Ra “opened his palm”, you can start a new paragraph. And once more, when he starts speaking again. This will also help with the flow, so you don’t have a massive block of dialogue all in one paragraph; it won’t seem so daunting to your reader.

Another thing that is a pet peeve of mine is font size consistency and punctuation. I loved that last line; did not, however, care for the change in the size of the font and the unnecessary extra punctuation. You should be able to write in such a way that you’re able to convey the character’s shock/dismay/anger/[insert desired emotion] with your words alone. In fact, you should avoid using an exclamation point as much as possible. This punctuation is meant to emphasize; it can’t be used for emphasis if it’s popping up around every corner. (Not saying that you do this…simply explaining)

Sorry for the super long feedback, and I apologize if this has offended you. I, for one, am a perfectionist and love receiving constructive criticism from others. However, if I came off rude in any way, please just disregard my comments, as this was not my intention. ^^;

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Near mid-day, the elves caught their first sight of Filne-Semmit. After leaving the Fdhellin Plains, the land had grown gradually hilly, slowly rising higher in elevation. Now, at last – after making their way up a steep incline of switchbacks – they had reached the height of the largest hills and saw the city sprawled out before them.

It was not exceptionally large, as cities go, but had an impressive appearance – especially when Joenek compared it to La’el and Gallimna. Beyond the vast expanses of farmland stood a low wall covered in trailing vines. Over this, various buildings could be seen; elegant in design and appearing to lack any defensive structure.

However, it was the wall of pale blue stone and the citadel beyond it that truly captured Joenek’s attention and admiration. It was the cynosure of Filne-Semmit, indeed of nearly the whole of the Western Region – being surpassed only by Rimmár Villelle in the forest of Dhredán.

While it was not immensely expansive laterally, the keep had been built to a great height. Frabjous, spiraling towers seemed to defy the laws of gravity, jutting into the sky above like so many arrows piercing the cerulean cloaks of Akkheron’s advisors.

So…I went a little over-board. ^^; I added a couple extra paragraphs…

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Thanks for the feed-back! I actually found it helpful. This is my first try at writing, and I’m really glad you like it!
Also, that change of font was a mistake, but by the time I realised it, it was too late, so…
Thanks!

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“Believe what exactly? You mean fairies? Kyle, fairies are make believe nymphs, that are written in fairy tale books.” I turn back around to go finish my unpacking when something touches my ear. At first, I think it’s a bug, and scream.
Kyle begins to laugh. “You really made her mad, now.”
I look around the room and see nothing, but my brother continues to laugh.
“I bet if you started believing, the buzzing would stop,” Kyle says.
I try to ignore the sounds, taking out my clothes and placing them in a dresser drawer. “How do I believe in something I can’t see, Kyle?”
“I don’t know.” He gets up and walks to my room, giggling as he watches me.
“What’s so funny?” I ask.
“Lilly is dumping fairy dust all over you. You look like a sparkling rainbow.”
“Now you’re being silly.” But is he? When I turn back to unload more garments from my bag, I see a trail of dust fall from my hair. When I approach the mirror, I see my head covered in glitter.
“Kyle what did you do to me?”
“Me? I didn’t do anything. The fairy did it.”
My screaming and frustration must have brought the attention of Clara because she swings my door open, saying, “What is all this bellowing, children?” She looks at me then to my brother. I can clearly detect that she doesn’t see the glitter spread upon my head.
Kyle gives a snicker and covers his mouth trying to keep from laughing.
Clara raises an eyebrow. “Well?” she presses, putting a hand on her hip.
“It’s nothing ma’am,” I say. “Kyle and I were playing a game is all.” I glare at my brother.
“Well see to it that you calm yourselves. Your grandmother doesn’t like nonsense and screaming from misbehaved children.” We watch her leave and shut the door.
“Now do you believe me?” Kyle asks.

@chieftaytay I agree 7/10 I skimmed. I will say, I did get a nice visual, though.

I’m glad that I could be of help! If you ever want an extra set of eyes on your writings to find some of those minor issues, I would be glad to assist. ^^ I am not a professional (as my own writing is clear evidence of ^^;). I do, however, enjoy editing and can easily spot/solve some of the more basic issues.

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Very intriguing. Vivid picture in my head. It did read a little choppy, but I think if you were to use a program like Word, of something like a read aloud program, you would see what I mean. 8/10

10/10 Love it! Saw a few grammar mistakes, (I’m no grammar expert) but I like it a lot.

Not necessarily. I do this all the time, and my editor doesn’t flag me to correct it. :wink:

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9.5/10 ? I mean very good. 10/10, but the .5 is just me personally. When there is too much description I start to skim the reading. Which I think is a personal style to the reader. Some love detailed description, so I don’t want to discount that.

7/10 I’m intrigued. I did see a lot of typo and missed words. I wonder if you read it aloud if it might catch many of the errors. Is this epic fantasy?

That is true, and thank you for pointing that out. I suppose I ought to have included that this is a personal preference of mine. It seems cleaner and better organized, to my mind.

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