I dipped the precious incense sticks into the rose water. I had no need to poison myself further with the magic fumes, I had my answer. I will allow the Duke to empty his treasury to pay me for tweaking the Tigress’ tail.
I’ve just arrived here, so thought I’d contribute a paragraph. lol I swear, my stuff’s not usually so sappy.
Hyatt wanted to be serious. To keep his expression calm, severe even. But as five pairs of eyes all turned towards the bed, he felt an uncontrollable grin come over his face. He barely registered his feet carrying him forward, or Shelly vacating the bedside so that Hyatt could move in close, and stare down into Cameron’s barely open, perfect brown eyes. He placed one large hand’s over Cameron’s and gave a gentle squeeze, mumbling,
“Hey, asshole. Glad you’re back.”
“Molly Wight… now go!” Then darkness, only the distant whisper of a spell and a burst of fire then… comforting warmth of Juro as they rode off into the darkness… seemingly they were swallowed… however, this was just the beginning.
Even with no context, this is one of the best things I’ve ever read. lol
Every year I write a “Christmas Special” where all the heroes from my books get together and do something Christmas related. One year they did a gift exchange (with horrific results), last year they put on a nativity play (with horrific results), and this year I’m making them all sit on Santa’s lap. Even the ones who live in worlds where Christmas doesn’t exist. The results will be horrific.
I see what you mean, but if you really want to show then you should add in action and subtext. Show what your character is doing with his body while he speaks because even in real life body language speaks louder than dialogue. You can look up body language cues and facial expressions, there are some super helpful charts on pinterest. If you want to add another layer of depth to the interaction you can also come up with some tics or habits to your character and maybe for this scene in particular show him trying to smooth over that tic in order to maintain the illusion that he’s in control.
You can also try taking a little time to focus on describing the general atmosphere of the setting (and how it changes based on your characters actions), and on how the other characters are reacting to him (maybe with fear, or anticipation).
Subtly is really the key to scenes like this.
Currently the last paragraph from chapter nine of my book 'The Seven Deadly Sins’
“Claire. She is your aunt and second child to your grandparents. With the court not knowing about your existence, Claire was next in line.” Lily nodded her head. That sounded about right. “Come on.” Ares said, and he got up from his seat. “Let’s go back to our wagon. There isn’t any food on this train anyway and you need to get some sleep. You look horrible.” Lily got up with a sigh and followed Ares out of the wagon. She rolled her eyes at his comment. He sure knew how to make a girl feel special.
I know that, but like I said I plan to show here soon in the future, I understand how to show and how to tell, I do a lot of show in my stories and I do a lot of tell, I balance them out
I unpinned the sketch of the supple six-armed body from the vision lantern, and peered into the half-feline face. My rival smiled back at me in the same mysterious way you see on the statues of the Divines. Divine blood flowed through her veins, but they build more temples than the hovels in the South, so what else was new? I needed more than a silly picture to get to know her as intimately as a woman knows only her closest enemies. I had to fight her.
This is from an edit of a chapter, so it’s in the middle of a scene. Still don’t know if I’m happy with it.
“Fuck it, my Raven.” Scot agreed, and they counted spaces for the driver and his passenger to the side of the road before they shielded the explosion. Earth was desperately trying to contain the Fire, but Fire won. It had taken every ounce of power they had to break the spell that caused the accident and the fight was too much. Gemini’s blood majick never did play well with Witch.
is that one paragraph? Do you separate different speakers into their own paragraphs?
I think I’m gonna have a go at this again. Here’s the last paragraph I wrote for a new book I’m creating:
THE STARS TWINKLED BRIGHTLY AS IT SAT NEXT TO THE MOON, whose rays went through the fabrics of my curtains and rested upon my face. I sat up in my bed, releasing a large yawn before ripping the covers off my body. From upstairs, I could hear the soft humming of the elves as they worked. Three hundred and thirty three days of toy-making, suit fitting, writing the list of all the kids (and adults) in the world and checking it once, refilling the coal bag, checking the list once more – no matter what the stories said, it was the worst of all things. Sometimes, we all wished there was no Christmas.
No Christmas to slave away for, creating toys for people who hardly appreciate our work. No Christmas to rush on, packing the bag and loading the sleigh, gathering the deer and hooking them on, one by one. No Christmas would mean that everything would be normal. But, as we’re always told, be careful of what you wish for.
@mediocre-prose Nice! I think I’ll have another go too. This is a narration bit from earlier in my story (working on a full re-write at the moment)
Nice paragraphs! The descriptions are great and the sentences flow well. I can’t find anything to really pick apart.
Here’s a new paragraph from a story I’m editing:
A deafening pop and shriek splits the air to my left, just another noise in the cacophony of the approaching storm until Delilah throws her hand in front of my chest. She stops me seconds before a jack pine crashes to the ground in front of us and splits the group in half.
“Thanks,” I shout over the wind. She ignores me and high-steps over the fallen tree.
It doesn’t look bad. I think it should be “shriek split” as it wasn’t just the shriek but the pop too, right? I don’t know if “cacophony” is a good word to use (I had to look it up - not bad, but it can be distracting if too many unique/unusual words appear ). I think you wanted to say “she pushed him away” but this way it sounds somehow “vague”. Maybe the wording is correct, I’m not native in English so “rare” meanings are unknown to me You also used “split” twice
The person behind horoscope just from time to time nailed it. Like when he ran into camtaur, horoscope warmed him “to watch where winds blow”. The accident in the library, where he burrowed himself under heavy literature, wasn’t a literal definition of “grave beyond words”. It was the librarian who almost killed him.
Kairo especially disliked them since they always spoke in riddles. The last part of cat’s horoscope especially ticked him. It claimed a cat would steal his lips. ‘What nonsense,’ he thought glad his partner finished reading.
This book isn’t published yet and anything is a subject of change
This is one of those rare moments where the actual story is even better than the expectation! I think I’m finally feeling the Christmas spirit, Sir. God bless us, every one!
I took the misericorde out of its sheath and its black steel smirked back at me. It knew me so well… “I stole it,” I told Nirav. I had never confessed it to anyone, even the Divines. They were omniscient after all, so what was the point of confessions? “I stole it, and it kept me alive for a few miserable years in Palmyr.”
He followed me back to the chest where I replaced the dagger like a faithful hound. “I know something of misery, Ismar.”
“Then there is no point of talking about it further, Duke.”
Sorry to bother, but it seems you have skipped me You should rate the person above you
She held herself still as Maman appraised her, her deep, sapphire irises boring into hers. She did not flinch. Swans did not show weakness, either.
“Do you promise to behave?” she asked, and Lynette almost cringed at the condescending note. She was nearly sixteen, not some child that could be ordered around.
“Yes, of course, Maman,” she smiled, meeting her mother’s gaze. “I promise.”
Maman nodded curtly, turning her penetrating eyes away before she could spy the fingers crossed behind Lynette’s back.
I love it! Maman is mom in French (not sure if you knew or not) and I love the descriptions!
Here is mine:
Something the pack always taught us growing up is that every member, no matter their rank was important. The Alphas were important because they led the pack, the Betas were second in command and last of all, the lowest rank was the Omegas. I was the Omega of my pack, but the Elders made sure everyone knew how important Omegas were to their pack. We were of the lowest rank, but we were also the glue that held the pack together. The Omega brought a lightness to the heaviest of situations, a tactic that was better suited to Joshua, one of the other Omegas.
As we continued to run through the forest, I was able to relax, Jasper rarely showed aggression in his wolf form to us, not unless we really overstepped a boundary. The feel of the air moving over my fur, my paws gliding across the ground, feeling as if they were never quite touching it was liberating.