Share the last paragraph you wrote


#244

Yeah! I wanted to set my story in France so I did that on purpose :slight_smile:


#245

It does not seem to be the case in this particular thread vs other ones, as there is no requirement to rate, just to share.

Your paragraph has interesting content and a sense of humour. I would be careful with grammar however, as you have awkward structures, and typos like ‘warmed’ vs ‘warned’. Unfortunately, I cannot seem to get quotes to work atm to highlight the sentences that look a bit out of sorts to me.


#246

“Komm was a borrowed word, translating roughly to the state of having come from a distant place. As a word its meaning changes with the context of its parent sentence, an example of the subtleties of the Elemeri language. More interestingly, it was a word that also served as euphemism. That of an illegitimate child. Indeed, what proved the lineage and prestige of nobility better than using a dead language to name their bastard sons and daughters. It was within their bounds of civility to have considered the children of more scandalous unions, to have come into the house, rather than be born of it. If any defects were found in their manners, or in their features, then it was certainly not the fault of the family. For then they could argue, for arguments sake, that they were of different breeding, and do not reflect ill upon the general excellence of the house that took them in.”


#248

It doesn’t look bad. I think it should be “shriek split” as it wasn’t just the shriek but the pop too, right?

In this instance ‘split’ would be past tense and ‘splits’ would be present tense, and this story is in present tense.

I don’t know if “cacophony” is a good word to use (I had to look it up - not bad, but it can be distracting if too many unique/unusual words appear :smile:).

Alright, I’ll look into some simpler words to use!

I think you wanted to say “she pushed him away” but this way it sounds somehow “vague”. Maybe the wording is correct, I’m not native in English so “rare” meanings are unknown to me :sweat_smile:

where…? There’s no pushing in this paragraph. Delilah blocks the MC with her arm to keep him from walking into the path of a falling tree.

You also used “split” twice :wink:

oops :sweat_smile:
Thanks for the advice! :hugs:


#249

Just for fun ~ here’s mine:

“I’ll ask my dad, but he’ll probably be fine with it,” said Aliya, glad that she didn’t have to go back to her empty house tonight. She wasn’t sure if the Thing was waiting for her.


#250

She jumped. Luckily, I was able to hold on to her arm, as my other hand held on to the metal railing.
“Do you love me?” she asked me again.
“Of course I love you!” I shout back in reply. “Ana! Give me your other hand!”
“Do you really love me, Tony?” she asked once more.
I shiver as I desperately try to hold on to her arm and the slippery railing behind me.
“Tony.” she said. “Let go.”
I let my hand go.
And as I watched her tumble down into darkness, I saw her smile.
“Thank you.” her lips said.
“Thank you.” I know what I saw.
Even after closing my eyes, I know that she was smiling at me.
Thanking me for letting go.

original is in my native language (tagalog) though


#251

Interesting section, it’s obviously meant to be emotional but I think you could do some things to make it extra moving.

She jumped. Luckily, I was able to hold on to her arm, as my other hand held on to the metal railing.

here, for example. Lots of writers will tell you that adverbs/adjectives make your writing weaker, and that’s what happening here. Try replacing ‘luckily’ with a sentence showing your character lunging to catch Ana. Just, more short description in general would have a big impact. Also, I’m not sure how much is lost in translation, but ‘held’ is a general verb, you should try something more specific, like ‘gripped’ or ‘clutched’ to give the readers an even better image of what’s happening.

I noticed the dialogue tags too. Again, I’m not sure how much of this is translation, but these:

“Tony.” she said.
“Thank you.” her lips said.
“Thank you.” I know what I saw.

Should look like this;

“Tony,” she said.
“Thank you,” her lips said, “thank you.”
I know what I saw.

Dialogue tags are finicky, fam. :sleepy:


#252

Here’s a paragraph that I just spent a disproportionate amount of time editing (because Cyrillic is a pain in the ass)

There are words engraved on both of the oval tags. One has Зысабэллэ Тайачнйн etched on it in flowery Cyrillic cursive that plays tricks on my eyes. Below that is a string of numbers; 12.23.83. A birthdate maybe, or an anniversary. The second tag is stamped with ВС РОССИИ 22-428686. I wish I knew what they said, I wish I knew what these were for. Tears blur out the letters, they won’t stop even though the stinging has settled down to a mild prickle. Shaking grabs a-hold of me and an awful ache is pulsing in my chest like some important part is missing and there’s nothing there to replace it.


#253

This is a bit weird, because the second tag makes sense, but the first is a combination of letters that would never go together and is pretty much impossible to pronounce, as Russian rarely combines consonants like that. Is it supposed to be a spell of some sort? It’s like you picked out some Cyrillic letters that do not occur in Latin alphabet and tossed them together.


#254

The first tag is meant to say ‘Eysabelle/Eisabelle Tayachnin’, It’s the name of the daughter of the character these tags came from.


#255

It does not say that at all, lol


#256

well. damn it. what does it say?


#257

Let me just type in Russian the sounds you are trying to recreate, lol.


#258

Okay, the best I can do is

Езабелла Таячнин

Is she supposed to have an Asian last name and Isabella as a first name that got Russified? Russians would keep the first I in Isabella normally rather than replacing it with Ye like in Elena, Ekaterina and Elizabeth…

Do you want the weird E in the start of Isabella or how a Russian would spell it?


#259

She is not supposed to have an Asian last name, I just pulled Tayachnin out of my ass when I created the mother character. These two might have some of the least regionally appropriate names out of all my characters.

And yes, I do want the weird E. It fits the story better.
Thank you!


#260

Thank you so much for the comments! :smiley: (a little comment starved, to be honest)
Actually one of my problems is that I am restricted to only 2000 words, so, I can’t use too much descriptive sentences. But your comments were very much appreciated!

For the Dialogue tags, it was actually meant that way, since the guy Tony, in this scene, was somewhat trying to convince himself that the girl actually wanted him to let her go. And not die with her. >:)
Do you think the story didn’t come out clear? or perhaps because it’s just a paragraph?


#261

Hi,

no problem. I thought the guy was walking or standing in the path of the tree, so she pushed him out of danger. Maybe it’s because there was just that, so I had no idea where was who :wink:


#262

This has two paragraphs because they would be weird if I left one out…
Writing character who is killer and who likes to tease the one he works to is pretty funny…

His usual enthusiast dropped as he heard something nasty for someone within his earshot. There was three older males at the outside restaurant eating as their conversation drifted to king. It was something about king actually wanting to make people trust him before he would start to rule the star like his father.

Erin disagreed with their claims by throwing a kunai at the wall behind the gossiping males, missing them by few inches. He walked to the table as the males watched around to see where the sudden blade had come. Fortunately no one else seemed to notice the blade making contact in the wall as there was no screams. He was smiling at them with closed eyes. He was no more assassin, but the threat to kill was hard to let go from his posture. The killer he was raised to would not leave him.


#263

Incredibly short, but well, I kinda feel like that adds to the impact of it?

A beastly howl echoed through the forest. Oh god…what had she done?


#264

Ohh that’s dramatic I like it!

The waves lapped over the arms, the legs, and soon, what was left of Corum was gone.