I love the repetition. It is intense and makes everything a lot more vivid. I really like it. Your description of her is very nice as well. It sounds really dramatic, which intregies me, but I suppose could turn off the reader if there isn’t a large buildup to this scene.
I love the action! But without the context, I don’t know what exactly lead up to this scene and what is going on. It has a lot of things happening in what feels like a short amount of time as I read. I feel like if I knew what was causing this scene it would have more of an emotional impact.
There was a rustle in the woods which made three Canvidae, growling, and one Foliad, tensing, turn to the sound. Out of the bushes appeared an ugly Grot with boils and blisters on his round sickly green face. He held a letter with the crest of the King.
“I am Unco, the King’s messenger,” the Grot said, his huge hands fumbling to open the letter. “I have a message from the King.”
Reve tensed, hate filling him from his toes to the tips of his vibrant green hair.
“The letter reads,” Unco said, “‘By the King’s orders, Reve must travel to Impotha and meet one of my companions in the fourth dark alley. You have until noon tomorrow to meet this request. If the request cannot be granted I will have to take extreme measures to ensure your capture and your friend’s death. I have eyes everywhere, Reve. You cannot run. Singed, King Minos.’”
The Canvidae’s postures of violence never changed as the messenger turned away until he could no longer be seen through the trees.
Come, the alpha, Nanana called. We have much to discuss.
Ok, so, Caius killed my MC’s father way back in book one (book five now, in book four she discovered it was Caius and set out to avenge the destruction of her family) Caius and her fought finally in the final chapter of book four, him turning into a dragon, pretty much killing her.
Book five starts, she crawls out from some rubble, whole bunch of stuff happens, Caius comes in and she pulls out a gun, he tries to convince her not to shoot, her mate’s (like, lover) brother manages to convince her, then her mate attacks Caius, he stabs her mate with a silver knife (lethal to shapeshifters) and she shoots him in the head, slams into him and knocks him through the hole in the wall and into a long fall, she is too injured to shift to save herself and calls for her dragon, Fearsia as Caius begins turning into a dragon to save himself from being killed by the bullet.
Then her dragon saves her, she manages to shift and flay back to the place the fighting was at, the dragon distracting Caius.
Does that help?
Technically two paragraphs, but the last one was so short, I felt it was better to include the previous one.
"And in that instant, Sylvia felt something else, something that would have shown clear as day across her face had she not pulled away and shot out through the door. Even as she returned to the atelier to snatch up a basket of his shirts before leaving for the laundry, she felt it radiating out of her. Hatred. Pure and unadulterated. Hatred for every ounce of his being, for every cell in his body. Never in her life had she felt such an all-encompassing loathing. And when she was finally alone in the laundry room, she took it out on his clothes, scraping his shirts against the washboard violently, diluting the scalding hot water with the tears that still had not ceased. She didn’t slow her pace until she saw a bright stain spreading over the white of the linen, and then she looked down to see that, not only had she skinned her knuckles raw, but she had worn a hole through one of his shirts.
At that, she threw the ruined shirt into the basin and collapsed to the ground, burying her face into her arms where she allowed the mass of fear and shame, and rage to dislodge itself from her chest. His words from so long ago kept echoing in her mind: If you work diligently, do as you’re told, honor your King in every word and deed, no further harm will befall you. Hadn’t she done exactly that? What could she have done to provoke such degrading treatment, such blatant misuse?"
Oh, thank you! I agree that without context it would be a wasted scene. When I write, I tend to get random chunks of dialogue and scenes in my head, so I would probably put that scene towards the middle or end of a chapter. It’s part of a Snow White/Peter Pan crossover retelling, in which Snow White is a tad . . . . darker to say the least.
Ooh, I love the description in this, and that last line is just phenomenal! Definitely gives me the dark fairytale vibe.
I love the descriptions of the Grot. It makes him sound truly grotesque. There was only one typo where you wrote “singed” when I think you meant “signed.” Otherwise, I think it was a compelling exchange between the characters.
Wow. Powerful scene. It’s hard not to feel for her.
Oh, i’ve missed this thread… I loved it on the old forum.
The captain finished yelling at a blank-faced pikeman. It was a thorough cussing, inquiring extensively into the soldier’s ancestry and casting a shade of doubt on the paternity of his descendants. Once satisfied, he gave Xi a sour look. “Well, why aren’t you at the wall yet, warmage?”
Xi took the narrow steps two at a time, ignoring the pain of the broken breath in his side and something about them mages coming straight from the tit nowadays in his wake.
oh, I just realized I forgot to label my excerpt, oops :s. You’re right though! Urban fantasy or slipstream is probably the best fit for that story.
Thanks for the advice!
“Well, you don’t have to yell at me, Marlo! I’m just trying to cook for my gorgeous husband and pack.” He proclaimed as he stepped closer to me and kissed my head. I wanted to kiss him back but he towered over me. I love this man to death but sometimes…He drives me insane…
I read Marlo as Mario the first time through… uh, anyways.
- I think-- I’m not sure, but I think-- that the period at the end of the dialogue should be a comma instead, and ‘He’ should be ‘he’. Dialogue tags are weird like that.
- Stylistically, I don’t like the ellipses’, they almost always feel like lazy or exaggerated writing to me. You can show the pause by either inserting a brief action like lip-biting, or with a comma, and it will be just as effective. But that’s just my personal opinion. Grammatically speaking the only thing wrong there is that because an ellipses isn’t usually considered a full stop, ‘He’ shouldn’t be capitalized.
This is more than one paragraph but… they’re short? The italics at the end is “”“the vooooiiiice”"" speaking.
The prickle speared into her brain, fanning out across her synapses. She shuddered, hyperventilating against the frozen car window. No, that couldn’t be happening. It was too soon. Her hands turned to claws, digging into her fragile skin. It was too soon.
Her hands relaxed, bit by bit, until her wrists were propped like dead weights on her shoulders. She couldn’t feel her toes, couldn’t make out the shape of the car parked next to hers. A few more seconds and her vision was too blurred to see where the door padding stopped and the window started. And her heart felt like an alien beating out of her ribs, and her tongue was too fat to fit inside her mouth, and all she could hear was the wheeze of someone else using her lungs to breathe.
You should have known better.
Thanks a lot! I didn’t even realize it was difficult to read!
““There is no doubt in my mind that there are darker days ahead. We can only hope that they will not be the darkest,” his father said solemnly.
By then they had reached the door of King Breandan’s study. He turned and entered without saying another word.”
I studied the man closely as just stood there. He had a sweater vest on with jeans. He had on a nice watch with some glasses. Now that I’m looking at his face, He’s actually pretty handsome. He doesn’t have the perfect, diamond-cutting jaw, but he still has excellent jaw structure. Nice shiny brown eyes and good looking lips. If he’s got the personality of a good man, then he’s a good match for my sisters.
We stared at each other for few minutes until I cleared my throat. He clearly doesn’t know how to speak to people. “Um…Hi.” He said clearly. Or he could’ve been waiting for me to speak…
“Hi. Is there something you need?” I questioned him. He’s…different from the rest. But mama did say that being different was good.
“Oh! Um…yes,” he said, clearing his throat, “My name’s Charles. Charles Dickens, but you can call me Charlie. Even though I feel like a James…or sometimes a-”
Adayna clears her throat, giving us a slide glance and cutting Charles off. I roll my eyes and she reaches over to him, “It’s very nice to meet you, Charles.” she said shaking his hand. He gave her a simple nod and turned back to me with a huge smile.
“It’s nice to meet you all as well. You are…?”
“Ovanari and a guy. I have gotten mistaken for a girl many times, so this isn’t my first rodeo.” I reply, crossing my arms.
The Rougarians must have sensed that their prey was escaping. With a single grunted command the Saltek surged forward once again while the Rougarians went to disengage. Seeing several of the blue skinned aliens run from the field Malachi knew he had to keep their focus on him.
So digging deeply into his most powerful emotion he was startled to find that for the first time in his life it wasn’t anger. What he felt flowing through him was perfect and complete love, but love was so small and petty a word to convey the feelings he felt surging inside him. Love was a word bandied about in songs, it was something people used to get what they wanted and then tossed away when they were done with it. What he felt was complete and absolute oneness, even with over five miles separating them he could feel her as if she stood right beside him. Every breath she took, every beat of her heart struck a cord inside him as if he were a triangle and she was the beater, hitting him again and again. Yet he welcomed the impact, every time he was struck by her he emitted a stronger and truer tone. They would not reach her, they would never reach her.
“YOU WILL NOT TOUCH US!” He roared, the sound vibrating the very air.
From my WIP! It’s the first action scene of the whole thing and it’s so been difficult to write in a satisfactory way:
“Oh Endil,” I whispered.
The force behind my movement could have gutted any living creature. A faint gasp passed through his lips. The world swirled around me as I realized that I had likely just sliced the man’s stomach clean in two. I was no stranger to fighting - we wrestled and had friendly competitions all the time at home. Combat with the intent to kill, however, was entirely new to me. In one blow, I had just sealed Harafa’s fate. My heart began to sputter violently, pumping fiery anxiety through my veins, and my breath started to come in ragged gasps.
He hesitated. Pelageya was far from trustworthy. She was working directly with Vilev, and there was nothing stopping her from turning on him. Kai Fen had suspicions that the only thing keeping Vilev from acting on her threat of a second, permanent death was that his absence would be noticed by the Representative’s son, but was Pelageya smart enough to consider that? Maybe she had no idea who he was at all. She didn’t seem like the type to keep her mouth shut, and Vilev seemed like the type to know that.
So Kai Fen stepped forward, joining her under the protection of the eaves. The two of them stood, shoulder to shoulder, as the rain and wind whistled around them.