Share the last paragraph you wrote


#143

Okay, the last one for today:


The soldiers basked in Fenghuang’s golden glow. She let them for a long rapturous moment, before landing on the tower above the gates. From there, she gave Xi an affectionate look. My pleasure, beloved. The wings as huge as fenghuang’s buffeted his heart down into the pit of his stomach, and back up into his throat. He struggled for breath, and against dizziness. What? She looked down at him from the tower-top, and the woman’s face nestled in the golden aureole of feathers was as cold and as beautiful as she had ever shown him so far.

Cloud-and-rain love, Zijun had said, but it fell short. Moon-and-pearl, he tried, silver-and-icewater… The fenghuang laughter echoed through his mind, “You need not be a poet, a mage suffices.”

The Captain groaned. “There are ten mages in the Empire. Ten! All good, respectable people. And I got a boy with a magic bird and a hairpin.”

“Eleven,” Xi told him, “there are eleven warmages in the Empire.”


#144

“Don’t make a deal with her, Ori,” Woe warned, glaring at Tuilelaith. “She’s nothing but a backstabbing magpie with daddy issues.” The two girls glowered, the animosity between them thick and cloying.

Ori didn’t care about their petty grudge. He saw an opportunity, and he was going to take it, no matter how much it infuriated Woe.

He shifted into star form, startling the girls into stopping their staring match. He opened his palms, displaying the stars sprawled across them like illuminated tattoos. Tuilelaith came closer, drawn to its brilliance. Her jewelry caught the light, sending circles of pink and purple beading across the wall.

She gasped with delight, her body betraying her.

He definitely had her attention now.

With a wince, he extracted one of the stars with his other hand. It was more lustrous than a thousand pearls, blazing glaringly in the utter darkness.

Tuilelaith’s face told him she was definitely interested.

He extended his hand, letting his stars fade until they were nonexistent. The star seared his skin, but he remained firm, his gaze locked on hers.

“Do we have a deal?”


#145

This is a a bit longer than one paragraph (there’s nine, actually), but I’ll give it a go.

You have several very short paragraphs. Paragraphs are often 2-5 sentences, to only one sentence is a tad short.

“Don’t make a deal with her, Ori,” Woe warned, glaring at Tuilelaith. “She’s nothing but a backstabbing magpie with daddy issues.”

The two girls glowered, the animosity between them thick and cloying. Ori didn’t care about their petty grudge. He saw an opportunity, and he was going to take it, no matter how much it infuriated Woe.

He shifted into star form, startling the girls into stopping their staring match. He opened his palms, displaying the stars sprawled across them like illuminated tattoos. Tuilelaith came closer, drawn to its brilliance. Her jewelry caught the light, sending circles of pink and purple beading across the wall.

She gasped with delight, her body betraying her. He definitely had her attention now. With a wince, he extracted one of the stars with his other hand. It was more lustrous than a thousand pearls, blazing glaringly in the utter darkness. Tuilelaith’s face told him she was definitely interested.

He extended his hand, letting his stars fade until they were nonexistent. The star seared his skin, but he remained firm, his gaze locked on hers. “Do we have a deal?”


#146

I like the tension build-up


#147

This is a WIP, but it seems good… I think.

I pushed my chair away from the table and got up from my seat. Maybe, it was worth this madness. There was an indescribable feeling of content that bubbled in my stomach and made me softly exhale all the annoyance away – but, it was short lived. I still needed one thing from him. Before I got any closer, I checked my watch – four fifty-four – and quickly muttered a curse. There was only a sliver of hope that my ride was still waiting, given that I was supposed to be out thirty minutes ago.

He sucked in a sharp gasp as his body slammed against the table.


#148

I pushed my chair away from the table and got up from my seat. Maybe, it was worth this madness. There was an indescribable feeling of content that bubbled in my stomach and made me softly exhale all the annoyance away – but, it was short lived¹. I still needed one thing from him. Before I got any closer², I checked my watch – four fifty-four³ – and quickly muttered a curse. There was only a sliver of hope that my ride was still waiting, given that I was supposed to be out thirty minutes ago.

He sucked in a sharp gasp as his body slammed against the table.


¹ I’d change this to simply “away, but it was short-lived.” There’s no apparent need for the hyphen or the comma
² closer to what?
³ is this supposed to be the time? It might be easier to say ‘Six minutes to five’
⁴ What do you mean by this? That he himself was slammed? You might want to make it more clear, like, “He sucked in a sharp gasp as a heavy weight slammed him against the table.”

And my time of nit-picking is over


#149

Thank you.


#150

Was it a bit useful?


#151

It was.


#152

I’m quite proud of the ¹ ² ³ thing. I literally figured out how to do that in that post :3

Anyhow! Last paragraph.

The woman that carried me spoke up again. “It seems like my theory is correct. She’s alive.”


#153

That is an interesting line

“I can only imagine what pain that would cause them, to be unable to Influence, it isn’t just about beauty, it truly is a matter of survival for them. It is said that if they go long enough, the cravings become physically painful, they feel as fragile as a thin sheet of glass. Their bones will become brittle, their skin papery. Just breathing would cause immense pain, and could even kill them at that point.” Emperor Cain, Xerxes father said as he walked in.


#154

In this you are telling and not showing.
For instance: “his body felt incredibly weal” = you are telling us how he feels but not showing us.
“The frailty of Kaden’s acing body grew as the pounding in his head speed up, faster and faster, until he was lying vulnerably, face down in the blood covered snow.” Would be an example of how to show and not tell :slight_smile:
If you tell then the reader doesn’t feel the emotions the character does, but by showing not only is your writing better, it also lets your reader connect to you character’s feelings more :smiley:


#155

“It was as though I had stumbled through the wardrobe into Narnia. I tumbled into a thick green forest of pine trees blanketed in a thick layer of snow. I shivered in my hardly adapted clothing wear and cursed at my lack of preparing. Suddenly a young man fell through the portal, followed shortly by my uncle. Presentations had been hard what with the ambush and all that, so I had not yet learnt the names of my companions.”

So I have a question:

  1. Is the comparison to Narnia to cheesy? I know it is well used, but then again everyone knows it and really portrays the scenery I am trying to describe!

#156

Last NaNo-line so far (translated into English from German). The (British) character’s are stranded in the world of fae.

Just as in Afghanistan, where they had sent her dad. Maybe the fae really were not that different from the humans. Or the wolves, who seemed to be constantly in war with other creatures. Maybe everyone was the same. This was the last clear thought in Kyra’s head, before she drifted into a shallow, restless sleep.


#157

This one is really interesting!


#158

I think it’s okay! But I think it might work better if you moved it to the end of the paragraph. Let your own descriptions work their magic first, have the character take it in, and then as they get a better grip on their surroundings, I think the Narnia comparison would work wonderfully!
Literary comparisons help set the tone and environment, so I think it could work really well :slight_smile:


#159

Nobody else spoke, but T’vaskli could feel the resentment radiating from them like heat from a fire. She eyed them in the tense silence. They were all as relieved to see her as Deko Midma had been, but not for her sake. She was the tenth pilgrim. Without her, their agreement with King Gavenkein would be null and void. If they had sent eleven down this year, she couldn’t imagine a single one of them caring if she’d never been found. It was a distressingly sobering thought. She’d assumed that, even if she was separated from her home and her tribe, she would still have the other pyromancers to give her a sense of belonging. But that wasn’t the case.

Here in this strange land of unfamiliarity, she was completely and utterly alone.


#160

I didn’t know where I was running to, only why. I only knew that my legs were moving as fast as they could and that people heckled me on the streets when I crashed into them without apologizing - I’d be cursing at myself too, if I were the one walking instead of running. I ran until my dress was soaked with sweat and my lungs felt like sandpaper, my legs aching to stop as I tried to figure out where they had taken me.


#161

“Your father sold you to these men. He betrayed you,” the mercenary replied. “We aren’t friends of his either, if that consoles you.”


#162

“Saoirse, you’re like dancing.”

Saoirse looked at him, confusion written over his smiling face. Why did he say that? Not only did it sound ridiculous out loud, but now Saoirse was laughing. He frowned down at the ground, his face flushing brighter than it already was. What did that even mean?

“I’m like dancing. I like that.” Kai Fen glanced back up at him and watched a breeze weave through his blonde curls. “Well, Kai Fen. You’re like a flower.”

Man, I wish I could just let them be awkward, happy teenagers forever :sob: