Share the last paragraph you wrote


#163

As long as your character belongs to the same general cultural millieu as all of us, it is fine that they would think of Narnia. But you can also keep your description of the magic forest standalone.


#164

Heh. Someone’s in trouble.


#165

They grow up so fast!


#166

Okay, my final graph for tonight was…


Yu’s pupils dilated with the unnatural pleasure, “I am not a mage, so I cannot tell you how. I can only tell you that you can.”

Then he stretched on the ground, smiling at something too beautiful for him to ignore.


#167

Here’s a bit from this year’s Christmas Special

“Ah, well,” Santa said, trying to bring things back on topic, “what do you want to build with these tools?”

“A bomb.”

Santa choked.

“What?” Toke snapped. “Don’t judge me!”

“What on earth would you want a bomb for?”

“I told you, I’m not—oh, forget it.” Before Santa could say anything else, Toke anchored himself to the ceiling, falling upwards out of his lap, and walked away upside down. Santa rubbed his eyes in disbelief.

“I’m dreaming,” he mumbled. “Mrs. Claus spiked my eggnog again.”


#168

That’s hilarious


#169

Just when I thought he finally gave up, his hand shot out from nowhere and gripped my chin, forcing me to still. His thumb reached up to my lips and slowly swiped against them.

“You’ve got some on your lips.” he explained while releasing his grip to show me his thumb. There was yogurt smeared on it.

“Th-thanks.” I stuttered.

He replied with a nonchalant shrug before turning his gaze to the screen again.

Unable to stand it any longer, I raised from the couch and headed back to my room. As I was closing the door, I saw something I wished I didn’t.

Boy Toy was licking his thumb.


#170

Ajal dropped the axe and reached under his furs and pulled out a ring, his wife’s ring tied on a leather necklace. “Someday, my love, even if I have to tear the very mountains apart and bring forth the wrath of a thousand gods in me, I will make them regret the day they murdered you and sweet Saskia…” He whispered as he kissed the ring before clenching it in his fist.

This is the second paragraph in the first chapter following my human (Ska) character, Ajal Skullcrusher, his village was pillaged by dark elves (Mal’ela) and his wife was killed (among other things) and his daughter was fed to the dark elves hounds and they left him with a long scar over his right eye (which he may or may not be bind in), now he has a hatred for all elves, I’m curious though, did I capture the emotion in this?


#171

I really loving the vibe! Omg, I feel the need to ship these two people when I haven’t even read your story ahah. Great job!


#172

Here’s a bit from mine:

Mrs. Magoda passes me the photograph and I take it slowly. I look at my beautiful mother, smiling with happiness at the camera. Mrs. Magolda wraps her arm around mum’s shoulder and she too looks at the camera with joy.

“I believe that you will be successful as your mum. Even more. Your mother was outstanding through her years at Manchester and I know you can do the exact same.” Mrs. Magolda smiles down at me, placing a hand on my shoulder to give a small squeeze.

Making mum proud is the only reason why I’m here.

“I just hope so,” I reply back and look at the photograph again.


#173

Hahaha. Thanks!


#174

Oh… you naughty naughty, Mrs Claus XD


#175

Despite their phlegmatic disposition, something about the demon’s epicene voice sounded wrong–it seemed to rise and fall, trapped between a young man’s scratchy whisper and a haggard elderly woman seconds away from a coughing fit, but it never cracked or wavered. It chilled Rosamond to the core.


#176

Major spoiler alert for Strange New Eyes, if anyone cares lol

The last bit I wrote

She vaguely realized that she was on the ground, but she couldn’t feel her body. She couldn’t feel anything but shock, but the force telling her no, no, Elkin couldn’t be dead, Elkin had to live, Elkin was going to live

Her father was at Elkin’s bed, shaking his son’s body. Aysel saw through unfocused eyes the way he flopped around like a doll, as if every part of him was as limp as a freshly caught rabbit. She saw the glaze over his once-beautiful brown eyes.

She vomited. The elg meat that Dunyasha had caught for her came up, along with yellowish bile that splattered on the bloody floor. She watched the contents of her stomach pour out of her but felt nothing, as if she was watching her body retch through someone else’s eyes.

Ancients, his empty eyes.


#177

Great description!


#178

Ajal

The sound of the axe splitting wood was satisfying to Ajal, he always imagined an elf’s neck was under his axe and not wood. Ajal still couldn’t get the images out of his head…his poor wife screaming his name, then in pain…it made him sick, but everytime he closed his eyes he saw his daughter’s mauled body laying next to his wife’s…

Ajal dropped the axe and reached under his furs and pulled out a ring, his wife’s ring, tied on a leather necklace. “Someday, my love, even if I have to tear the very mountains apart and bring forth the wrath of a thousand gods in me, I will make them regret the day they murdered you and sweet Saskia…” He whispered as he kissed the ring before clenching it in his fist.

Can you give me feedback on this? Everytime I share a paragraph (or two) I seem to go unnoticed, can you gleam his emotions from this?


#179

Thanks!!

I can definitely gleam his emotions! Is this early in the book or a bit later on? If it’s early, I’d suggest moving the descriptions of his family’s death to a bit later. It’s really vivid, but I think the scene with his wife’s ring is more subtle and more moving. If this is the first time the death is introduced, I think it might be interesting to leave a bit of mystery there, and as the reader gets to know Ajal better, get to see more of his thoughts and nightmares about his family’s death


#180

Yeah, it is really dark what happened, this is Ajal’s introduction to the story and I plan to slowly show what happened as certain things bring up memories


#181

I am curious about how his family got killed, and why! Something about elves, I’m guessing?


#182

yes, dark elves, Mal’ela invaded randomly (because the Ska got the short end of the stick in everything) Censoring because of what I am about to say, just to warn you.

Ajal’s wife was raped and murdered before him before his daughter was fed to the Mal’ela hounds, all before they left him with a long scar down his right eye (which he may or may not be blind in) since he is 37, which is around the time many Ska die (although they can live to around 93, it is very rare, what with contending with the cat-folk or Sha’ska and the Dza’cron, the orcs, which are our wise race, they are well respected), he has no reason to want to live other than make the elves pay