Share Your First Paragraph!

Haven’t seen one of these in a while, so I’m making a new one. You (hopefully) know the drill but if you don’t, here’s the gist:

  1. Rate the person who posts before you on a scale of 1 to 10 and give feedback
    Ex. 8/10 - It was great! However, throwing ___ into your second sentence makes it a little confusing.

  2. Post your own underneath! And include your book’s title if you can.

I’ll start:

Title: Trial 017

This close to the heart of the Netherworld, nothing was visible. The ever-raging dust storms grew more powerful the deeper you went, and the roaming predators only got larger and larger. If your eyes could somehow pierce the heavy dust clouds and look up to the sky above, all you would see was pitch-black darkness. No sun, no moon, no stars.

9/10 - I liked it :slight_smile: Sets an intense mood straight from the get go. I especially like how you’ve got the last thee things sectioned off but maybe if you used periods instead of commas they would be a little bit more impactful?

The number of androids becoming deviant was skyrocketing. The machines rebelling against their masters and turning on those who built them were multiplying by the day with the threat of an actual uprising only becoming more realistic by the hour. What was once a crazy fantasy babbled by old anti-android loons who feared doomsday would soon fall upon the world in vengance for creating the hodgepodge semblance of life in metal and plastic was now an impending reality. The android uprising was a real and truly terrifying threat.

1 Like

8/10- For the most part I like it, it does a good job of giving you a very quick background of everything. It does feel a little too exposition-y for me though. Kind of like the text crawl in Star Wars or a narrator at the start of a fantasy film, like it’s rushing to give all the background information immediately. Personally I feel a bit of this could be more spread out, more teased out.

I suck in a breath, then grimace as I lay back down and pain rips outwards from my chest.
Oh yeah, definitely think I may have broken a rib or two. If I’m lucky.
Of course a couple of broken ribs is probably the least of my problems right now if I’m really honest.

9/10. Great opening! It does a great job creating suspense right off the bat, teasing your audience and leaving them wondering what the heck is going on. You’ve also succeeded in giving your character some personality in a mere three sentences. She/he is likeable and funny, and totally downplaying this whole situation… but why??? Definitely triggers curiosity! I may be mistaken, but I believe there needs to be a comma in the last sentence after ‘right now’ :slightly_smiling_face:

Title: A Rising Storm

Sirius Black was a lot of things, but stupid was not one of them.

He never even considered the word ‘stupid’ when he thought about what his epitaph would look like one day printed in the 1-inch column dedicated to him in the Daily Prophet – and he thought about his premature epitaph way more than any normal sixteen-year-old boy should. Daring or impulsive, maybe, but not stupid.

Now, he had doubts.

2 Likes

8/10 definitely intriguing. Is this a Hp thing though or is it separate from it? Either way it is interesting and it makes me want to know about the characters more. So definitely good.

Title: Your Blood on My Feathers

He rushed home and practically threw open the door. As soon as he was inside he securely locked it too. He threw his bag somewhere and entered the house without even removing his shoes
“Meera!” He called out.
He needed to know if she was okay. She was the only person that had been on his mind throughout his way home. He just had to be sure that she was alright. He had to see her with his own two eyes. With all that he had already lost, she was the one person he stubbornly help on to. She had been there for everything, he couldn’t lose her too.

1 Like

8/10 The only problem I found in your writing is that I also have a character who goes by Meera. Now I’m rethinking twice if should change the name. LOL overall I dont think it’s bad that we both share a character name. Meera is a pretty name after all!!!

The Devil’s Inferno

Dressed in a white cloak covered in blood, a woman came to a stop at the edge of a cliff. Her warm palm held loosely to a young boy’s hand. Frightened he was; the woman had no concern of his feelings except what is to come. Dropping one knee, she reached his rosy cheek for the last time as she croaked, “Forgive me little one. I should have never been your mother.” Her palm shifted at the child’s chest. With a strong force, she pushed him off the rocky mountains where a bottomless pit collided with the mouth of hell.

8.5/10 - It’s a really solid start, and it captures a moment that really draws you into the story. It makes the reader ask questions and they’ll read on to find the answer so thats a really good thing. Be sure to check your work thoroughly however (I am also so guilty of this!) ‘Frighted he was;’ sounds like a Yoda quote

Mr McFlibbit and the Curious Case of the Clockwork Children

Like always in Steam City, it was raining.

Usually the rain wasn’t a problem for Rosie, who, like any good member of the city was more than prepared for the everlasting rain that seemed to fall into the city. Today had been different however, the sun had been shining and the weatherologists (who were notoriously unreliable) had announced over the radio that they were due for a break in the grey clouds, so she had left the house without her umbrella or jacket. She wouldn’t be making that mistake again.

9/10 it was great, just some things read funny to me. Besides that, it really pulled me in as a reader.

If Looks Could Kill

I can’t tell where his head ends and his shoulders begin. The man sitting across from me is all muscle in the most unsettling way. The sight of our cloudy glasses in his overly large, meaty hand is almost comical. The man sitting in front of me, if you’re wondering, is my mother’s boy(friend)(toy)(acquaintance)—really any of these work—and I can say I’m honestly surprised how long this one has lasted. He brought over lasagna for all of us to eat for dinner and though my mother loves the fact that he “cooked us such a delicious meal” I’m pretty sure that you could find this exact same lasagna in a box in our freezer. I mean, I guess he’s good looking with his jet black hair that he keeps slicked back, his hazel eyes under prominent eyebrow ridges, and his strong jaw but, unless you can get passed the fact that the guy looks like he could possibly eat you whole, I don’t think it would really work out.

Since I replied to one further back 9/10 for yours as well. I just think that in some places I would have ended the sentence instead of using a comma. Great overall!

2 Likes

9/10 That first sentence really made me want to continue. Although the ended seemed a little off to me.

Broken

She was as mysterious as the shadows that played across her face, and her soul was as black as the coffee she held. The steam hit her face as she looked down. It was Sunday and she had started her day like any other, only this day was different. She was there to meet a friend or she hoped she would meet them.

1 Like

Hey there, I think your story sounds interesting. It’s a good hook and it hints perfectly at things to come. I’d be interested in reading something like this.

1 Like

I like the start; it sounds like a steampunk novel in the making. Mind sharing the story? I can’t seem to find you when I search it.

1 Like

You are indeed correct, it is a steampunk setting for my book! You can find a link to my author profile by clicking my username here and that’ll take you straight to it :slight_smile: thank you for your interest!

Thanks. I’ll definitely take a look and if anything sticks out to me I’ll let you know.

I’m always super self-conscious of my openings in books, as I always find it the hardest to write as I have to realise people don’t yet know the character as well as I do.

Thanks! I’m actually really happy to know people found it intriguing. Always a bit of a gamble when you’ve only been really writing for yourself, or writing the same stories for 13 years.

9/10
I love the imagery of the coffee and the shadows and how they relate to your MC! Beautifully written. I’m a little thrown off by the wording of the last sentence, though. Maybe…“She was there to meet a friend–or she hoped she was.” Or, “…meet a friend–or she hoped s/he’d come.” I’m not sure which thing she’s hoping for.

Here’s mine from my WIP:

The first time I touch Anselm’s hand, I see him die. For a split second, he floats, unconscious, through murky water, his blond hair rippling gracefully over his head, his faded jean jacket drifting open. I gasp and yank my hand away.

8/10
I like that I want to know what this is talking about and what comes next, who your character is, their power they seem to have ect. The second sentence kind of runs on I would maybe edit it to be separate sentences or cut some words out so its not a run on. :grin:

Mine isn’t an action or fantasy but its more a drama/slice of life so it may not be that suspenseful but please give me feedback I appreciate it!
The title is
Dear No One

Jadelyn began to stir in her sleep, the nightmares were coming back. She didn’t want them. She was tired of screaming in the night earning herself lost sleep and long nights in fear of shutting her eyes. She sat up in bed and stared at the darkness. When did this start… She couldn’t even remember…Brushing her hair back from her eyes she began to drift back into horrid sleep.

1 Like

thanks for the critique! I hadn’t noticed about the run-on, so I fixed it. I need to replace a lot of commas with semi-colons throughout my work…thanks for pointing that out!

2 Likes

7/10
I like that it introduces us to the character, but I’m not too drawn in by it. It could use something but I can’t put my finger on it.

Title: Edge of Oblivion: Chosen
Someday, someone will wonder about all of this, about what happened during the last days of the Ancients. Maybe they’ll come looking for the lost sanctuary where they once dwelled. Perhaps by some chance they may find it and stand where great heroes once made their last stand against the monsters of the world.

1 Like

10/10 there wasn’t anything that I didn’t like, very well written and captures the reader’s attention.

Fallen Angels
I stare out the window of my office over the city of Boston, the streets below filled with black and yellow. I cast a glance at my Mac, situated on the desk in front of me, to see that the hockey game will be starting in an hour.

I look back out the window and watch the water. Today most of the boats are moving out of the docks, casting out their beautiful sails.