The Critique Circle - Making YOUR Blurbs Suck LESS -Part One: The Revival


#347

I forgot to post my blurb here before oops. not sure how i feel about this but oh well, can someone help me make it sound decent?!

❝ summer is over and so are we ❞
. + . . ✵ ⋆ ✵ . * * . . *

Let’s lead with the facts; Flora Henderson is insecure, pretty cripplingly insecure. Her blue-haired best friend would be absolutely amazing as a musical theatre star, if he didn’t break his leg. And, there is a pretty positive chance that “Caravan Girl” is the prettiest girl in the neighbourhood - isn’t everyone in love with her?

Between shifts at The Bohemia Cafe, Flora feels like she is sinking. She should be excited that she is going to be free from a high school hell. She should be having the time of her life. She should be making her parents proud. She should be-

But she isn’t…


#348

I love the first line. It indicates some sort of break-up, either between friends or otherwise. The first paragraph is good, describing all of the things that aren’t going so well for her. The cut off ‘She should be-’ is a good idea, but I think it’s better to replace it with ‘She should be happy’, or something like that, at least.

Hope I helped! :slight_smile:


#349

The ‘E’ should not be capitalised.

You misspelled ‘Michael’ again. In the last line.


#350

My bad, I corrected now though.

Thanks for noticing :grin::heart_eyes:


#351

Nobody’s posted anything, so I’ll just go ahead and post mine.


Elvia Steel was raised being taught that the Altioraem were bad. The oppressors, the villains, the people who made Elvia watch her parents die; even though they are the same kind: Imperimentals, mages, keepers of power. She swore revenge on them, but when she gets the chance, will she really be able to do it?

Leon Blythe was raised being taught that the Desendite were like insects. Corrupting their world and leaving inky black fingerprints on their stainless society, with their inferiority to the Altioraem. But after Leon learns that the Desendite aren’t what he thought them to be, and that his own side isn’t completely un-blemished, he must face a decision of who to betray. And if he doesn’t choose, he won’t be the only one to suffer.

Reka and Rekae Erwey were born to a Desendite family, but were raised by an Altioraem woman, kept in the dark for most of their lives. Once they start discovering secrets from both sides, they’re going to have to decide whether to stay or escape from the darkness that threatens to crush all of them, whether to live or die.

When the darkness inside all of them is somehow amplified - with no one knowing the reason - they’ll have to find whatever’s causing it before it crushes them all, and brings their world to an end. And when they finally find out what - when they succeed - they’ll have to set out on a journey to find a solution and bring peace… before everything they know is destroyed.

There they go into the darkness; the wise and the lovely.


#352

this is really written. the only suggestion i could think of is perhaps explain a little more how elvia, leon, reka, and rekae are connected?


#354

thumpity thump thump
thumpity thump thump


#356

SOMEBODY POST A BLURB UGH


#357

if you want to tear mine apart be my guest! It doesn’t make sense and I’d love an opinion!

After graduating from high school, Elle returns to her grandmother’s home in France, a tradition she does every summer. Her goal is simple: relax and have fun with her friends before college .

When she reconnects with both Elio and Oliver, her grandmothers neighbors and her best friends for seventeen years, new feelings start to emerge between Elle and the brothers- and they certainly complicate her carefree summer. Love is a danger to friendships she’s grown to cherish and not something she’s ever sought out. But sometimes ignoring ones heart does more damage. If Elle doesn’t stop fighting the truth within, she might just find she loses them both.


#358

For one, I think you should add Elle’s last name in the first line of the first paragraph. ‘A tradition’ should be replaced with ‘something’, as in my opinion it flows better. In the first line of the second paragraph, there should be an apostrophe between ‘grandmother’ and ‘s’, and there should also be a space between ‘brothers’ and the hyphen.

Overall, I think you have everything pretty much covered except for one thing. What is Elle’s goal? We know what’s at stake - she loses them both, damage to her heart (the mental one, I don’t think she’s going to get heart disease). We know that her goal is to ‘stop fighting the truth within’, but maybe more explanation is needed for this as it seems kind of out of the blue.

But other than that, it’s a good blurb. 8.5/10 :blush:


Pieces of Us

Dawson Emery’s life was ruined six years ago by his “best friend”, River Dayton. Since then, they’ve been separated, skirting around each other in the halls, and once they both graduated school - well, they never saw each other again.

Now Dawson works as a journalist for a newspaper business, The Properius. He loves his job, he loves his friends, he loves his life. He doesn’t have to worry about River or the past anymore.

That is, until a new trainee is assigned to write an article with Dawson, and that trainee happens to be none other than the one and only River Dayton. Burdened by guilt, River tries to get Dawson’s forgiveness - but it’s not as easy as he thought it would be.


#359

I think your blurb is great, but I would switch up the end a bit. All of the blurb focuses on Dawson except the last line, which is on River. I’d suggest getting rid of that and focusing on Dawson there too. Maybe something about Dawson struggling with whether he should forgive River.


#360

Okay, thank you.


#361

Story Title: Baine

Someone or something is snatching innocents from our town and leaving a trail of bodies in their wake. Mutilated bodies. We’ve all become desensitized over the years almost to the cruel end of expecting more horror when we wake up each day.

Baine was the only friend at my sixth birthday party and he was my only friend the day he disappeared. Our Sheriff dragged in his hotshot nephew now that the case has gotten out of hand and all eyes have turned to me not as the suspect, but as the missing phrase to an unfathomable riddle. Grief takes a backseat as I watch the new Detective Donn Cross’ ambitions match my own.

‘I see it in their eyes when they pass me by, slowing down just enough to smile pitifully or click their tongues. They didn’t lose their loved one so they have the right to condescend on my loss instead. Despite it all, I won’t give up on bringing Baine home.’


#363

I really enjoy the first paragraph. It definitely grabs my attention and sets the mood for the urgency/fear factor of the novel.

The last sentence of the second paragraph throws me off a bit. As well the first two sentences of the last paragraph.

I feel it would flow a bit better if you were to focus on her need to locate Baine and possibly how she has become the centerfold of the investigation.

I would leave out subplots (potential romantic interest or partnership with the new Deputy - I’m sorry if I’m way off that’s just my assumption) and stick to really creating a blurb that wreaks of havoc, mystery and loss.

Example. (I’m not very good at these myself)


For years we knew that someone or something had been snatching innocents from our town.

Brothers. Sisters. Daughters. Sons.

One after another. Year after year, until it got to the point where no one seemed to care anymore unless they were claiming the mutilated body of their own loved one.

I couldn’t be that person though. Not when the sheriff had lost control of the case and it was my best friend that was missing.

I had to find Baine and I had to do it before somebody else found his body.

  • I hope this helped :black_heart:

#364

Rip mine to shreds please?

I completed this for NaNoWriMo and will be posting the second draft here on Wattpad, but summarizing blurbs has never been a strong point. :black_heart:


REMEMBER ME

Emelia Shaw was not a hero and she hated that people thought she was. Yes, she pulled Will Tyler out of the fiery car that would have killed him and yes, she drug his selfish ass to safety - but that’s what any decent human being would have done.

She didn’t want the recognition and she didn’t want the attention. Not when her former childhood friend was lying in a coma and nobody knew if or when he was going to wake up.

She couldn’t say goodbye. She couldn’t even look at him, but she knew she had to let go of the past in order to move forward. She had to forgive him, but when she finally found the courage to do so, she found him awake and completely unaware of what he did to push her away in the first place.


#365

This is amazing thank you so much for the critique


#366

I really like that it feels like Flora is speaking to me through this blurb. I’d definitely rephrase some parts to be more straightforward, however, and have more of a dialogue-esque flow. Then, the fact that her friend has blue hair doesn’t really belong there either. Unless a character’s looks somehow tie into the central theme of the story or are in some other way hugely important, I see no need to say anything about them. A thing that might be important, however, is more context. You focus on two pretty specific happenings, but they’re a bit diffuse and hard to imagine. Things you could elaborate on are: When did her friend break his leg and how did it halter his career? Who is that caravan girl and how does she eve tie into this? Right now it comes off as if she’s being bitter about her being pretty just for the sake of being bitter. It’s not personal enough, or a good look for the mc.

The edit below is filled with made up context, but I hope it gives a little more of an idea of what I mean.

Let’s start with the facts: Flora Henderson is insecure. No, scratch that, she’s cripplingly insecure. Most likely, her best friend, John, would already have become a star, if it hadn’t been for that leg he suddenly broke in the middle of prepping for his new musical theatre role. And then, to top it all, that new “caravan girl” who’s got her eyes on him might just be the prettiest thing in the entire town. It’s ridiculous - isn’t just about everyone in love with her?

Between shifts at The Bohemia Cafe, Flora feels like she is sinking. She should be excited that she is going to be free from high school hell. She should be having the time of her life. She should be making her parents proud. She should be happy!..But she isn’t.


#367

Guys, rip me apart

Pathfinder

Kirsha and her younger sister, Damitri, have been fleeing the Inquisition for a long time. Ever since it took their mother, to be precise. One fateful morning, however, Kirsha awakens to find the only person left in her life has gone Missing. Who took her is easy to guess, but how, if at all, she can save her is another question entirely. In the end, she’s forced to accept help from a highly unlikely ally. A kelpie. And better yet, one who has already made an attempt on her life. What lays in store is the fragile struggle to survive a world filled with ancient magic, political intrigues…and secrets.


#368

Its a smidge long for my taste, but honestly, seems like a very solid blurb. It has good flow, we get a feel for who Emelia is, just enough context to understand the situation and most importantly you set up an intriguing premise which makes the reader wonder: What did he do? Will he find a find a way to redeem himself? And what is their new relationship going to be like?


#369

Personal opinion: too many its.