Thoughts on this idea?

So I got this idea last night, not sure if I’m going to write it or not, but I also kinda like it? It’s a bit iffy, as some parts seem cool, but it also feels anticlimactic, so I wanted to ask what your opinion on this is?

In the village they worshiped an ancient creature, pure hearted and believed it bestowed upon them fortune and health. Jain was a devoted man; he prayed, offered way more than necessary, and dedicated his entire existence to his god. Most left him be, viewing him as harmless, if not a little unstable. In Jain’s eyes, the measly otherings at the shrine were not enough, they didn’t hold the right value. They were disgraceful.

Enter his brother, Lore, born with the gift, he acts as a communicator for their god. He’s loved, kind hearted, and has a connection to nature, able to feel the pain of every living thing; from a creature in pain, to a flower crushed by foot.

Once, long ago, the brother’s were close. Over time, through one-sided jealously, they grew apart. Jain couldn’t understand why Lore was chosen, not him , when he’s devoted his entire existence to his god. Worshiped it. And yet, he received nothing in return.

Things take a dark turn during the yearly festival, when every villager must make an offering, and those who are most genuine will receive the greatest luck and fortune. Jain’s is denied. Lore’s shines, and is enveloped in a golden light, showing purity and in Jain’s eyes, superiority.

That night, in fit of blind rage and jealousy, he snaps and murders Lore, using the very knife he’d crafted as a offering.

Moments later, everything turns grey. The harvests rot, clouds crowd the sky, brutal winds destroy structures and wild fire sprout at random from the earth. Outside, a being engulfed in flames, with wide wings and flaring eyes appears, screeching in anger. When it turns to face Jain, it breaths golden flames that surround him.

Jain wakes up in a smouldering, rocky place, a golden glowing scroll in his hands. It reads of redemption, and the possibility of Lore’s soul… if Jain can pass through seven trials, without any failures, he will be spared and given the chance resurrect his brother, but with a catch: the last trail, the one that will have the final say, is Lore’s forgiveness.

Sounds like a mix of Cain and Abel and Hercules.

It’s cool, I like the mythology. It has a lot of potential. You should write it. :+1:

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Yess! I love this idea! It’s really cool and has some great meaning

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I think its a cool idea but I guess you have to spend a ton of time on worldbuilding. From clothes to money to maybe maps!

Hope it works out:)

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I second this. This could be really good as long as the world building was good too; if not, the plot’s intensity might not come across in full force :relaxed:

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This sounds amazing! It’s definitely something I would read if it was done well

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Sounds good. Good luck with it.

Does Lore know if he is going to be resurrected? It sounds as no brainer if so. If not, it is terribly unfair to Lore, because he is the victim, and all those efforts are poured into his asshole murderous brother who in the end decides his fate again… and, to get his life back, he has to still to forgive him.

Interesting but what is my reason for rooting for Jain what makes him a worthy protagonist does he actually feel guilty or is he just desperate to save his own ass and wouldn’t Lore have been able to sense his brothers emotional pain so many questions

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The major sticking point -

If Lore is so good and pure, and can feel others’ pain (that means he could feel Jain’s through the years) then it seems totally apparent that he will forgive his brother.

That is really anticlimactic as the final challenge.

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Also there’s much in this that reminds me of St. Longinus (the Centurion who pierced Jesus with the spear then came to believe in Christ)

The “Spear of Destiny” and Longinus being made to walk the Earth forever and face lots of trials has been told or mentioned by DC Comics amongst others.

I really enjoy the idea of this story, but I do agree with the others that you’ll need to do some world building and maybe put a limiter on Lore’s ability so that he doesn’t automatically forgive Jain at the end?

This just popped into my head as random brainstorming material… Totally fine if it’s not your thing :star2: but maybe it could help you think of other ways you could make it less anticlimactic at the end?

Maybe you could make it so that Lore can’t feel the pain of things that aren’t deemed pure by the ancient creature? Since the creature doesn’t seem to find Jain pure-hearted, then Lore can’t feel what Jain is going through until Jain finally completes the trials and grows as a person, whatnot. You could build the climactic ending with Jains fear that he didn’t grow enough, or you could do it by showing Lore’s astonishment at the end of the trials that he can now feel the pain of someone he’s never been able to feel the pain of before? For the second one, I also think that leaving it a mystery as to why Lore was never able to empathize with Jain until the end could help too, and maybe that lack of gifted empathy toward Jain could be used as a relationship device as to why Lore liked or didn’t like Jain as a brother before this mess.

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I think you should go for it. :blush:

Plot twist. What if Lore uses his gift to manipulate what the gods tell him, therefore, has everyone around him fooled into thinking hes good? Meanwhile, Jain is actually the “good” guy and has been noticing that Lore’s power is turning dark so he kills him.

Then when he wakes with the scroll in his hand, he learns that he has the chance to resurrect Lore and reverse the destruction that occurred. If he completes the trials successfully, Lore will return without his gift… But one misstep and he’ll resurrect with his dark power ten times stronger.

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That’s an interesting take on this idea too :smiley: