TMI?

I’m writing in the return of a character that I insinuated to readers was dead by saying things like “The team lost their running back” “Alexandre is gone and you have to move on” “He’s never coming back” or “He isn’t waking up no time soon”.

Summary

The story begins after a three-year time jump when we discover the friend group is fractured and the once innocent baby of the group is now the infamous Queen B of their high school. We learn that after Alexandre’s accident his sister and Quin (QB) had a fight leaving Quin with a scar but don’t find out why. As the story goes on we discover Quin is a bully with secrets and the biggest was her telling Alexandre to kill himself the night of his accident.

There are 3 flashback chapters in the eyes of Alexandre that tell what happened in the months that lead up to the event including his heavy drug use, thoughts of suicide and falling for Quin. They have a bad fight and Alexandre destroys his house to keep from hitting Quin back which scares him into trying to get help. The week before he could see someone they get into again and in a moment of pain she lays into Alexandre telling him everyone would be better without him and telling him if he really loved her he would “Get in his car and drive until he hits a wall”.

The story returns to Quin’s perspective at the moment of the call she runs to the scene of the accident and sees a bad wreck and a lot of blood on the windshield but they cant find Alexandre, the chapter ends with her begging for forgiveness then we snap back to the current storyline and at the end of that new chapter it is reviled to the reader Alexandre isn’t dead and whenever people would say he was gone or never waking up they were speaking about a coma, not death.

The big reveal is going to be at the end of a calm chapter where his love interest is happy she can finally get back to being a regular seventeen years old. I’m writing it as a conversation with his sister and feel the reader should know what happened but don’t want to spend another 3 chapters on it but when reading it I’m thinking hmmm… is this TMI is it needed?

So please let me know is this explanation needed or can I ax it

Note: Grammar is glitchy its a draft.

Rita James stood in her full-length mirror examining her outfit. It had been a while since she went out with the Cherries, only doing so on Paige’s insistence that they do normal couple things. “What about me is normal?” Rita laughed trying to ease out of the subject, “What about me says you’re not going?” Paige countered ending the debate.

They were going to a bar out in L.A, Christina Huges knowing a guy who made great fake I.D’s. Rita’s new name was Channel Evan’s deciding to wear an outfit that she felt matched her brand new persona.

Rita wore a pink with black ribbon frill button front tunic, her platinum hair in a fishtail braid off to the side. “Now I look younger” she huffed deciding to switch her hairstyle.

“Where you off to all dolled up?” Alexandre asked deeply startling his sister.

Rita caught her breath turning to see her older brother leaning against her door barefoot in an old shirt and ripped jeans. Alexandre’s hair had grown long past his shoulders, his blond beard fuller than she thought possible.

“Why did you jump like that?” he chuckled.

“You look like a mental patient,” Rita scolded, “Don’t sneak up on me like that I’m still not used to you being home” she hyperventilated.

Alexandre smiled making his way across the room to sit on his sister’s bed, “Probably because I am a mental patient, or was, I can barely keep up these days since I’m not allowed to leave the house, but glad to know you got used to being an only child” he complained.

“Never” Rita smiled walking over to sit beside her brother, “Your doctor said you can go back to school after your next appointment,” she reminded examining Alexandre’s bare nails. It was odd, Alexandre started painting his nails in the eighth-grade even if he did not remember the last two years he should have at least remembered that.

Hours after his accident a room full of men some of which Alexandre would never meet had a meeting about how to handle the impending scandal about Greyson Holdings’ future CEO. Since they couldn’t legally part ways with the teens who each held majority shares past down from their father and grandfather, the board decided it would be best to bury the story suggesting to Stephanie James it was better to keep her sons condition to herself and paying an unholy amount to have Alexandre’s toxicology report altered.

“Alexandre James was suffering from depression after the untimely death of his father, the teen was given prescription medication to combat said depression and after having one glass of wine during a private event fell asleep at the wheel of his car,” the company press secretary reported, “The Family ask for privacy during this trying time and any slanderous reports pertaining to Alexandre James, Greyson Holdings, or it’s affiliated will be met by legal action” he said offering no further information on the incident.

The company dealt with the press while behind the scenes Rita James took over as her brother’s proxy. Within a week of his accident, Alexandre was breathing on his own. Despite being thrown up against his windshield and torn from his vehicle Alexandre’s physical injuries were minor, a small scar above his eye, a dislocated shoulder, and a few cracked ribs, it was his neurological state that was concerning.

Despite his scans coming up clear Alexandre was not waking up from his coma his doctors deciding a month in it may be a sign of an irreversible vegetative state, Rita deciding to replace them with doctors with a less bleak prognosis. The new doctors didn’t have any better news explaining that even if Alexandre awoke there was no promising he would be able to walk again.

“Well, it’s your job to make sure he can” Rita commanded.

“Margarita…” Stephanie quietly scolded.

“No” Rita objected, “You were too busy wallowing to see your kids needed you, I’m doing what’s best for my brother anyone who doesn’t like it needs to find a new job and everyone who stays needs to remember I’m eighteen and that makes me the new owner of this shit show, Alexandre walks or this company sinks” she warned storming out the boardroom.

Alexandre awoke two days later, to a room full of doctors and a family at odds. When asked about the events of that night Alexandre found he could not remember anything upon further testing Alexandre was diagnosed with dissociative amnesia.

Alexandre spoke three languages, two of which he did not remember learning. He remembered everything he learned from his junior year of high school with no recollection on when he learned them. He took the news of his father’s death better than he had the first time around but remembered nothing of his accident and when his sister got him alone to give him the details, he couldn’t remember ever wanting to die or being in love with Quin Fowler.

“Hey, I bought some new nail polish if you want to borrow it… and maybe it’s time for a cut?” she supposed.

Alexandre shook his head, “I was thinking about heading into town tomorrow for a trim, I thought maybe I would stop by-” he trod.

“No,” Rita glowered already knowing what he would say.

Despite having no recollection about his relationship with Quin Alexandre was insistent on speaking to her, clearing the air and apologizing for the mess he caused. “You caused?” Rita raved when he first mentioned it, “Yeah, from the way you put it everything blew up and it’s all my fault” he insisted, “No Alex, it’s Quin’s” Rita insisted refusing to speak more on the subject.

Rita walked over to her mirror in no mood to remind her brother what a shit idea going over to the Folwer home was. “She’s your best friend Rita” Alexandre insisted, “No… you’re my best friend, Camden is my best friend Harlequin Fowler is poisin” she said as calmly as she could manage.

“You weren’t there that night Rita, you said it yourself Quin was the closest person to me back then, maybe if I saw her, spoke to her” Alexandre reasoned.

“I said no!” Rita snapped turning to face her brother, “Quin isn’t the girl you remember and she is definitely not our friend, okay, so what you don’t remember the worse year of your life, who cares, it sounds like a blessing in my book” she ranted.

“But this isn’t your book” Alexandre glowered rising to his feet, “It’s my life Rita and you probably got used to bossing mom around but I’m the oldest, my life, the company, their all mine to control not you” he challenged.

  • Yes, I would need to know what happened
  • No, You’re right it’s TMI
  • Other

0 voters

Wait a second. What does “TMI” means ? :sweat_smile:

1 Like

TMI = too much information.

2 Likes

Ah, thank you ! I was feeling stupid Hahah ! :slight_smile:

1 Like

No problem :sparkles:

2 Likes

what do you mean by regular? how is she not normal?

Okay so first things first: your dialogue format and the dialogue itself - make a new paragraph everytime someone speaks

there’s no point to adding this when it doesn’t add anything to the story - what was your purpose in adding this?

"… younger . " --> you missed out the fullstop or exclamation mark if you wish to do so.

um you didn’t need to put the second action, also hyperventilated means that she was breathing really fast to the point where there is a loss of carbon dioxide in her body.

missing a full stop after ‘never’

change coma to full stop

full stop not comma, as she’s doing an action after saying this.

this is a weird trait/ quirk to put in here. it was rather jarring to read and pulled me out of the story

did you mean he smashed through the windshield? or he bumped against the windshield? also i doubt that someone who was ‘torn’ from their vehicle would suffer minor injuries

this is a really long run on sentence. i’d suggest breaking it up into parts and determining who she’s speaking to. because at first she’s talking to her mom and then she’s talking to the doctors? or the board?

also wouldn’t her mother have a say in the company as well or at least be a major shareholder?

this part was a bit confusing cuz at first i didn’t know what he was going on about and then after reading on it was about going to see Quinn.


There are some spelling mistakes as well as formatting issues that you need to fix.

At this point I’m not sure what the main goal of this chapter is and i’m assuming is to reveal to Quinn that Alex is alive so i think that should make up the main bulk of the chapter not this conversation and the backstory of it all because really all it’s doing is just telling the reader what happened and that’s not good.

The way you’re doing it now is a straight up info dump. You’re just dumping background info.

Do readers need to know all the details all at once? If not, I’d recommend revealing the info in bits and pieces. It’s MUCH more impactful that way.

Alternatively, have a character who doesn’t know the story learn about it – and let us find out at the same time in the same way.

4 Likes

Rita has a lot of unnecessary self loathing and since the death of her father and her brothers accident she has had to be both the loner at school and the head of her family’s company which is not normal for a seventeen year old.

The chapters before this Rita and Paige are secretly dating it’s clear to the reader but I wanted to pin point when exactly they went public without making it a big thing because Rita and Paige are just Alexandre’s sister and Quins friend.

I appreciate the editing but this is a draft which is why I put “Spelling and Grammer errors” in the body of the text

Alexandre’s personality before his accident was a little more whimsical his sister was always worried about people judging her so he did things that wouldn’t exactly be seen as normal in their football town like painting his nails, wearing makeup on the field ect.

This part I pulled from the person I based Alexandre on his car (real person) was ripped in half he hit the windshield when it hit the telephone pole but they didnt find him in the car he was a few feet away he broke a few ribs dislocated his arm broke a forearm, fractured a leg and has a scar on his eye it took him about eight months to get back to normal so for my story I removed the full breaks and kept the minor fractures and dislocation.

Nah pre-story it’s already Established Greyson James was a classist who never liked Stephanie he worded things well enough that there always had to be someone of James Blood at the helm and the company always went to the oldest.

I was thinking about using Camden because it will ne revealed later Alexandre was faking not remembering because he thought someone would get in trouble but then didnt know where to go after the first lie buuuut then I was like, crap… I’m gona have to bring Wyn back and mix the bag I cant focus on Alex when there are 4 mains

  1. Hmm okay but is it essential to the plot that the reader knows exactly when they became public?

If so, i’d suggest sprinkle it into a conversation somewhere because the way im reading this scene now, it’d be better to take out this part cuz its a bit confusing.

  1. Well even still a draft can be edited and even changed completely but you should still have good spelling and grammar.

  2. I would assume whimsical meant mad hatter whimsical not being flamboyant whimsical but then again your story, your call. I can only advice you so much.

But what i was trying to get at was it didnt read well for Rita to point out that part of Alex at that point in this scene. What would be natural would be for Rita to say that he used to paint his nails so maybe that would jog his memory.

  1. If you’re basing Alex on a real person that went through a similar car crash i would suggest putting a bit more injuries onto Alex because i didnt believe that someone who went through the car windshield and flung from his car would only suffer minor injuries. Then again it depends on how bad the crash was and if the airbag deployed or not.

  2. So their dad is dead right? So how in the world are they suppose to run a company without any supervision?

1 Like

Hey I think 1 got cut off.

Before this point, Rita was a closeted lesbian. She had Paige had been sating since a sophomore year but only Alexander and Quin knew. Within two chapters they will be going to homecoming together as dates and while the reader knows they’re together no one else did so I thought to get it out the way.

It takes too much time for me personally. When I write I throw on music to get me into the moment and write whatever is in my head care about everything else later. Grammar means nothing to me if it’s not being posted and even then I care more about the flow than what my professor would find appetizing.

Nah I’m a purist I mean whimsical in the capricious sense not fanticifal though he does rock a mean eyeliner when in the mood.

Like maybe suggest he do it to see if it helps him remember something?

Problem is my ex took 8 weeks to heal his broken bones and had a whole year of physical therapy before he could play football again, storywise it wouldn’t be convient since I need him and another character to be competing.

Thats the thing they wont. Before the accident, their dad’s cousin was trying to take over because there was no way two 17-year-old kids can run a holding firm the skills it took just to make the acquisitions would take years to learn. The board had always intended on them being silent faces until they got older but Rita started running the show which made them lose money which will build resentment for later.

There is no 1.

  1. *dating. But what i meant was that it just seemed unnatural for that to be in there and thats why i suggested cutting it out. So essentially, its not important to the plot? I mean is it important to Rita that everyone knew that she’s a lesbian? Or dating someone?
  1. So what are you trying to get out of this story? Is the goal to make him remember what happened? Or is he just gonna live like this?

  2. Okay look your ex and Alex are two different people yes? And different people take different times to recover from injuries. Not always but it can happen. How important is it to the plot and progression of the plot that he competes with another character?

  3. These two are 17 yes? And the Board has older people who have years of experience yes? So there should be a constitution somewhere that allows one of the Board members to take over the CEO duties temporarily if not there should be a vote of some sort.

It’s more so over important to Paige. Rita is a conformist she doesn’t like to stick out unlike Alexandre.

You say she’s a conformist and yet she’s forced to be a loner and take over the company at such a young age.

Okay but is it important to the plot and progression of it? If its important to paige then wouldnt the homecoming chapter suffice?

Conformist: a person who conforms to accepted behavior or established practices

Forced to be a loner - she is pushed out the popular crowd by Quin and tries not to make a stir about it she conformed to the status quo excepted.

Take over the company at a young age: Her brother was first in line but after his accident she felt no one was doing anything in his best interest so Rita broke from her brand to do what she felt her brother would do.

Rita is a side character with side story of her own nothing she does besides threatening to sell acquisitions or pushing her brother into the arms of his ex to keep him away from Quin progresses the story.

Home Coming wont be about them it they’re mentioned in 3 paragraphs. 1. When Rita is waiting for her brother and Camden reminds her her date was waiting. 2. When Alexandre see’s Rita and Paige dancing and is happy she is happy 3. When Rita interrupts Alexandre’s dance and Paige freaks because Rita is so busy trying to police her brothers life she ruined their first date.

Im quite aware of what conformist means.

I assumed she was a main character. I dont know what this story is about and i dont know who the main characters are so im just making assumptions. Okay so why focus so much on Rita if her story or her actions progress the plot?

So persuading her brother to get back with his ex isnt pushing the plot forward? Then whats the point of writing this in?

  1. okay i have nothing to say anymore. Do what you want. I can only help so much.