Hello! I’m an amateur writer seeking to improve my writing, and I’d love some feedback on the plot of my current WIP. I really want to make it the best it can be.
When bookish 17-year-old Callie arrives in purgatory, she’s furious; her plans for the future are dashed. Purgatory “receptionist” Greg tells her she can travel across time.
Excited, Callie travels to colonial America, and Greg is forced to follow. While there, Callie drops a priceless pocket watch that belongs to Elizabeth, altering the course of history so that the Patriots lose the Revolutionary War.
During an argument in purgatory, Callie and Greg are transported back in time as humans to colonial Boston. Now, Greg and Callie need to find Elizabeth, and change history back.
Callie convinces Greg to follow some soldiers marching out of Boston. The two end up witnessing the skirmish at Lexington. After the skirmish, Callie notices someone lying in the road, and it turns out to be Elizabeth, posing as a man in order to survive off a military pension.
Elizabeth is terrified that Callie and Greg know her identity. She mumbles something about going to New York, and sprints off down the road.
Callie and Greg rent rooms in New York near a military encampment and wait for Elizabeth to arrive. She joins the Continentals, and Callie and Greg follow her.
Callie and Greg fight in the Battle of Long Island, and the Patriots are forced to retreat. Morale dips as they process the carnage of the battlefield.
During their time in camp, Callie and Greg approach Elizabeth. She is terrified to see that the two have followed her, and refuses to talk to them.
In December, the regiment crosses the Delaware. Elizabeth is wounded in the following battle, but Callie and Greg nurse her back to health.
When Elizabeth recovers, she demands to know why Callie and Greg have been following her. Callie tells Elizabeth the truth. Highly skeptical, Elizabeth resumes giving them the silent treatment.
By fall, the Continentals are forced back to Valley Forge. Callie and Greg decide to attempt to change history back without Elizabeth’s help by devising a new strategy.
The strategy is rejected by the higher-ups. As disease and cold wreak havoc on morale, they decide to give the strategy a chance.
When it fails, Callie and Greg are blamed. They notice portions of their human bodies fading as the effects of the failsafe begin to weaken. Downtrodden, they consider returning to purgatory to face their fate. However, Elizabeth approaches them one day. She confesses to admiring their bravery and offers to help them plan another strategy.
The commanders are unimpressed and angry with the new strategy. But when they voice their fears, Elizabeth defends Callie, Greg, and the strategy, threatening mutiny if necessary. Knowing resources and men are stretched thin already, the commanders agree to consider it.
The strategy is a success, propelling the Continentals to victory.
Callie and Greg return to purgatory. As Callie travels to heaven, she realizes that through her experience, she’s achieved more than what she wanted in life, and is able to make peace with her death.
Intended Audience: teen/young adult
Genre: This is a bit of a grey area as of now, since my story includes tropes from a few different genres, but I would probably place it in historical fiction since the majority takes place in the past.
Length: Around 40 chapters/90k words
Callie goes from being frustrated with to accepting her death.
Greg learns to get along with Callie.
Elizabeth becomes more confident and less cynical/downtrodden.
Callie and Greg have to “fix” the course of history before the effects of the failsafe wear off.
Callie and Greg have to convince Elizabeth that they mean well, and it’s worthwhile to help them.
The fact that the protagonist is not from the time period this story takes place in is a factor that sets this story apart from other works of historical fiction. The “outsider’s perspective,” in my opinion, will contribute to the protagonist’s relatability while still offering the perspective of a participant in history.
Thank you so much for offering this service. I look forward to hearing from you!