Heyo! I am new to the community. Well not really but I am just joining the tab! I’d like to meet new companions. It’s getting kind of lonely over here lol. I love to write in the supernatural genre so yeah, that means I love writing about werewolves, ghosts, vampires, demons, etc. I am a panster/plotter so yes that means I do both. How? I have no clue. But I’d like to become more of a plotter because being organized is a breath of relief to me. I also want to throw in that I am writing a werewolf novel that is mostly a mystery/thriller and young-adult fiction with action and a tad bit of science fiction it’s called “When The Claws Come Out”.
Okay I literally had to dig through almost 1000 posts to find it haha. BUT I FOUND IT!
From what I can remember your book is a mix of English and…Tagalog? (Sorry if I got that wrong) So for someone who isn’t familiar with the language I have no idea what the first bit says.
Good, lots of emphasis on the importance of the relationship to the person proposing. Is this whole thing one massive passage of dialogue? Have you got any non dialogue around this proposal? Breaking up the dialogue might lessen the cheesiness, add in feelings, nervousness etc. Show how they are real and relatable and not just a character spilling a huge proposal with no feelings or emotions surrounding it.
This might be a good spot to insert a memory they both share of how non romantic the person proposing is. Maybe they had an awkward date or a situation that could have been more romantic but wasn’t. Without more context on the story its a lot of showing and you are missing an opportunity to really show your readers how strongly they feel for each other, or should feel for each other…also why are they above a church? Are they on a mountain looking down at the church or are they actually standing on the roof of the church?
Instead of saying he asked for the parents blessing it could just be a promise he is making to John about their future together. Adding that he asked the parents and that’s what they asked him to do and be makes it almost sound like he doesn’t want that in his life. It makes it sound like he is being made to propose and provide those things for John.
Instead you could write something like _my dearest, I promise to be a virtuous father to our children, a nurturing and caring husband, the king of your heart, and your knight in shining armour. I will be there for you during good and bad, but especially through the bad. You have my heart, you have my promise, you have all of me. bends on the knee etc etc _
I hope that makes sense. I actually don’t think it’s too cheesy at all, I probably just cheesed it up more for you haha. But you could add a lot more to make it a really glowing proposal