What was the last few paragraphs you wrote?


#1

This can be a place where we can give feedback on newer written paragraphs! :slight_smile:

What have you done?

Mine would be:

We wrapped her up in black trash bags and placed her body outside. Probably not the best idea, but it’d help get rid of the rotting corpse smell in the house. Maybe.
I cleaned the blood and grabbed a box full of food for the kitchen, which was what Paris was meant to do. Since she never made it and everyone was too traumatized to go down to the basement, it was up to me and my already numb-and-emotionless state.
Of course, breaking down and crying popped into my head almost always, but I couldn’t be like everyone else. Not now anyway. Instead, I needed to be strong and hold myself together, tighter than usual.
The living room was, yet again, filled with the gang, drinking coffee and alcohol, staring out into space. Silent. All zombie-like. Thankfully, they didn’t see the body. Her body. I was sure that if anyone else saw another dead body, we’d all go crazy.
Had we already?


#2

Awesome, going to try this out.

First things first: I’m liking it so far. Normally some people question switching perspectives, although in this context it seems to make sense. The idea of a murder mystery sounds interesting. Although if we already know who the murderer is, does that make it a “how catch em.”

Here is mine:

She had moved into her apartment on the thirteenth of July, having to fix her virtual reality goggles. For a long time she relied on her mother, to provide her with the velcrow to fix the frame.
At Starbucks she would play a fantasy virtual reality game, and recently she had expanded her interests back into tales of medival fantasy fighting dragons. But the reality was, this was about the only kind of game she was into. It was an interest that she had posessed for a long time, but got out of it when Square Enix promoted a Final Fantasy remake that had not yet existed, and now that they started finally made it, she had a certain level of apathy that was unmatched by other among her peers. She had developed a text based graphical adventure similar to rogue, but she put her own spin on it.


#3

In my opinion, the first paragraph and second do not connect well. It jumps from fixing the character’s virtual reality googles (intriguing btw) to reminiscing about playing at Starbucks and the games she likes.

page_break

I swore. How am I going to afford double what I paid last time? I don’t have a grand casually laying around my apartment or stashed away in a secret off shore bank account. I have twenty-nine dollars and forty-two cents in my actual bank account. If I look hard, I might have a couple dollars in change between the couch cushions. It won’t be enough.

“If you’d rather not, Mr. Memphis . . .” she trails off.

I shake my head. “The same arrangement as last time?”

“Three days, Theodore,” she agrees; the line goes dead.

I sigh, throwing the card back into it’s hidey-hole.

I have three days to come up with a thousand dollars if I want the hedge witches help.


#4

Yeah. xD But this one is a mixture of both. Kind of like Clue (both the board game and movie), my characters are trying to figure out who it is, and then they try to figure out how to catch them. :wink:

I think the majority of it is fine, it’s just that (like Autumn_Breeze said) it doesn’t connect. Let me try to break it down:

What does having to move into an apartment deal with fixing goggles? Or vice-versa?

Wait… what happened to fixing the goggles?

It went to moving into her apartment, fixing goggles, then talking about a video game. So it seems kind of funky. Perhaps, talk about fixing the goggles at Starbucks, then add some narration of flashbacks of playing the video games there?


#5

That’s a pretty good excerpt! I don’t have anything to say about it.

P.S: that sucks that she has to come up with a thousand dollars! :scream:

I hadn’t thought of it that way. Was she right? Was I numb? Did my past suddenly catch up to me and now I couldn’t feel the agonizing pain of grief anymore? “And what about you?”
“I’m also numb.” Freyja cleared her throat and said, “But isn’t weird? The deaths seemed like an accident, but they just can’t be, right?”
This was where I had to step in. “I agree. It is very strange, considering the evidence that is shown. I mean, it’s unlike Kirsty to be taking drugs—”
“And what was that bear trap doing right there next to the stairs?”
“It’s too good to be true,” I said, shaking my head. “So what do we do?


#6

Personally- I like it; I just feel like you need to put more of the main characters emotions in there- Feels a little cold?

My hands moved up quickly to my throat trying to pry the hands off, only to feel more water filling my throat and mouth and the nails sink into my skin of my neck latching on harder.

“Oh hello Lava. Did you miss me?” A voice hissed in my ear, the breath sending a shiver of fear down my spine.

It only took seconds for me to identify my twin sister.

My family was falling apart, my team was dying.

But at this moment, even though I was drowning from the hands of my sister, all I could feel was how weak I was, how I had no options. I can’t kill my sisters.

I can’t kill my family.


#7

Wow that’s actually pretty cool! I like how it ended. The conflict between what is right and wrong versus your personal attachment was well bought out.

Macy watched on in awe from the couch as Aasina turned and went to the bedroom, shaking her hips while she walked. Macy felt a sense of happiness and mirth that she had never felt before blossom in her chest as she took in Aasina’s retreating figure.

As she got up and went after her into the bedroom Macy couldn’t help but feel something deep, something that she hadn’t felt for anyone before, something resembling love.

Her lips curled into a warm and loving smile at her realization.

She was about to open the door to the bedroom when she noticed a broken phone lying next to the door.

Once she realized who’s phone it was, her smile turned into a sour melancholic flavor. Nothing was perfect in the end after all.


#8

It’s interesting. I’m not entirely sure what’s really going on, but the ending was definitely a way to bring in a little bit of shock.

This is from my unedited ongoing WIP at the moment so please forgive any grammar errors.

He waved and walked off, disappearing without a trace into the crowds, leaving Dash sitting there. She slowly got up and looked for her chair, still breathing hard. She needed to get back to her room now before anyone else saw her face or noticed her there.

She spotted the chair and quickly sloshed out of the pool, heading straight for the chair to gather her belongings, her body tense as she let her eyes dart around warily.

So much for relaxing.