What was the last few paragraphs you wrote?


#195

I move towards her, though it feels like I’m doing it slow motion. Like a snail tracking along the old high-way. Cressidy fall to her knees before me and start to take off her jacket. On the floor beside her, a gun slides out of her belt.

“Oh god, did you shoot them?” I say, as I notice it. She goes still for a moment like she just remembered what happened out in the hallway.

“No,” she says. “I missed.”

I take myself to the head in despair. “Tell me you’re joking! You shot after them? Are you crazy?”

“You said it yourself, they can’t kill me. Not until my name is called. Clearly, it didn’t mean they can’t shoot my arm off if I try.”
“My father is out there, Cressidy. You could have killed him.”
“Maybe he kills us first,” she counters. “Who would you choose then? Your friend or family?”
#TheyWillCallOurName


#196

"How could you do this to me?!"She cried. She continued to scream while the guard escorted her towards the door. “When everyone gave up on you, I was there! When you gave up on yourself, I was there! This is what I get? You go out and you sleep with some stranger on my birthday?! You left for a piece of ass?! I hate you! I hate you you bastard! I can’t believe I fell for your bullshit!”


#197

“Let’s just get out of this forest.” The trees still stood as eerie reminders of what he had seen. His eyes could not escape the scenery around him, though his mind could. As they walked, his surroundings dissipated. The grasses folded over and melted into pools of shallow, pink waters. The trees shape shifted into bio luminescent, teal flowers which spun and twirled. Luscious foliage made of thousands of different colors sparkled and shone. It was all made up of tiny, geometric patterns. The underbelly of a huge, orange red sun sat above the beautiful world. A snake unwrapped its coiled body from a tree branch, its piercing yellow eyes observing him. It had black, fierce eyeliner and purple scales that complimented all the hues of color that surrounded it.

Yasmin was a white, glowing figure which led him through the land. Nothing but her outline remained. In the distance he could almost hear the powerful yet patient rush of a waterfall. The view now panned outside of his body. He could see himself with brown bull horns which came out of the sides of his head. In this world he could be strong and wise yet understanding and empathetic. Mateo hungered to see more, yet his perfect imagination began to tear at the seams as Jasmin’s voice entered his mind.


#198

I really like how you described the world in this. I like your usage of colors, objects and sounds. I like how you compared your character, Mateo in this world to our old world. I also like how things started to dissapate at the end of the passage.

Here’s mine (more of an extract than a paragraph):

Zeke agreed. “Now I know why they call you Mad Max.”

“Why?”

“You were about to shoot that window through.”

Max shrugged. “Target practice is fun.”

Rafi shook his head. “Yeah, it is when you have bullets. Idiot.”

“…What did you just call me?”

“An idiot. Idiot.”

Max marched over to the sofa. He reached out and wrapped his hands around Rafi’s throat as tightly as he could. “Call me that again and I’ll blow your brains out. Comprende?”

Rafi attempted to nod as Max loosened his grip. Breathless, he collapsed to the floor choking.

Zeke froze on the spot.

Speechless, he flopped back onto the sofa petrified. Rafi had unleashed the beast inside Max.

Crawling across the floor, Rafi tried to grab onto Max’s boot but he was too quick for him.

He slammed the door behind him. The room shook with it.

Santi felt it too. “They’re in there killing themselves in there, aren’t they?”


#199

“Were you looking for me?” Azura turned around to see the man had returned from the bathroom. She didn’t even know his name and neither did he know hers she realized. Before she could react he took her hand and gave it a small kiss on top.

“Would you like to dance?”

Azura stared at him like a deer in headlights. Her mind was racing now she couldn’t see Lucas anymore. Had he really left her to fend for herself? There was a small sense of panic deep inside her and it was growing by the minute. Her eyes darted around the room again until she felt a light tug at her arm bringing her back to this moment. She let herself be guided of the stool. Apparently, she had given him a nod of approval and he was completely unaware of her internal struggle. Her skin was tingling where he touched hers as he guided her to the dancefloor. The feeling of wanting to retract her arm was growing. Even though he seemed like a nice guy, his touch sent shivers down her spine and it was not the good kind. She pushed the feeling down, it was probably just her paranoia and she needed to get herself back together. She looked at him and noticed his blue eyes looking at her with a questioning look.

I don’t like this.

“Sorry I thought I saw something.” It was a shitty excuse and she knew it, but he seemed to buy it. He started dancing and encouraged her to do the same. She pushed down last feelings of doubt and closed her eyes to feel the rhythm of the music. Slowly her body started to follow and started to sway and along the beat. It calmed her down and now that he wasn’t touching her she actually started to smile again, enjoying the dancing. The song changed from a more upbeat tempo to a softer song. He was standing closer. She could almost feel his body heat through the clothes. A push in her back brought her off balance and she fell forward right into his arms.

“Careful now.” He whispered in her ear as his hands snaked around her waist. Her hands rested on his chest. The resistance in her body flared up like a flame. She wanted out, it was too much.

You have to get away.

She softly pushed against his chest trying to regain her balance, but he held on to her body. As Azura looked up at his face he looked back with a big grin. Before she knew it, he kissed her.


#200

I like it. You could probably amp up the tension a bit. Most if not all female readers know that gut feeling of heebie jeebies all too well and playing hard on it will definitely get the reader. Is he just a creeper or is there something more to the feeling?


From The True Covenant

I followed her up to their room and plopped myself on the lowest bunk. I was thankful to be away from the fish cleaning. The smell was terrible. On top of the moose dream and my stomach still being weird from spellcasting, I didn’t think I could have kept the bananas and peanut butter down while they worked. Mom pulled her bag up onto their bed and started going through it. “You and I,” she finally said, “are going to meet with Oldemor. I feel like this will be a learning opportunity for you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Oldemor is a vǫlva, but more importantly, she has the Whispers.”

“What’s that mean? She’s like a special werebear?”

“She isn’t a werebear. Only the men in their family are. Vǫlva are mages, specifically diviners.” She found whatever she was looking for. "I wasn’t sure she would still be alive, but I packed this just in case."From her suitcase she pulled small bundle, wrapped in a fur, tied with fine red cord. “You are going to introduce yourself and give her this as a token of respect.”

I took it and squished it, trying to figure out what it was. Whatever was inside was hard, roughly the size and shape of a tennis ball. The pelt it was wrapped in felt like rabbit fur. “What is this exactly?”

“The tongue of a liar and the hand of a thief.”

I immediately dropped it. “WHAT THE HELL, MOM.”

“I know. I know.” She stooped down and retrieved the bundle. “It’s traditional. The woman is pushing 100 and we are going to give her the treatment she expects.”

“Where do you even get something like that?!” I stared up at her in disgust and horror. “And it was just in you bag? Like touching your underwear and everything?!”

She laughed. “If a couple of mummified body parts are the worst things you handle while you’re learning magic, you are lucky or doing something wrong.” She thrust the package back at me expectantly.

I fished Osbourne’s gloves out of my pockets and put them one before finally taking my tribute back from Mom.


#201

This was just charming, and so easy to read! Loved the interplay, and the sweet relationship, and the subtle humour of the piece!


He searched her face and found no hint of deception. As if there ever was one on her soft visage. “I need time to think things over.”

“I understand. You are welcome to stay here to reflect. I will not pressure you - you’ve seen my one and only reason to want a dragon watch over the Empire, and I dislike repeating myself.”

“A dragon?” a bitter smile found its way on his lips against his will. He could not undo it, but he lowered his voice before continuing. “No, Serene Mother, you do not want a dragon. You want this one Dragon you’ve already created in your mind. Now you just play with the Celestials’s scrolls until they fit me for expediency.”

“Maybe it is so, but the situation dictates expediency.” She lowered the baby to her bed of moss, and smoothed the scarlet flowers out of the sparkling eyes. “If we are to build the Forge, I must arrange for an audience with the Empress in a week’s time or sooner. The construction could take—“

“I know,” he said, watching tiny rootlings grab for her mother’s tresses, “I know…”

For once all four of the faery’s cloud-gray eyes fixed on him. A year ago, he would have squirmed, but today he met her gaze without as much as a shiver. If she had anything else left to burn him with, let her. “You can stay with us for as long as we survive, if you reject Ascendance, until the end comes… be that a year or a decade.”

“Thank you for the generous offer, but I will keep my old cell in Rustam’s school. It is not far,” he said. After days of intense travails suddenly all he had left to do was to think, only one decision to make - the most exhausting labour imaginable.


#202

Omg this is giving me GOT vibes and I love it :heart_eyes: I like the narration mixed with the dialogue, it doesn’t make it sound like ‘‘dry’’ like he said ‘’…’’ and she said ‘’…’’, the descriptive narrative and writing about what each character is thinking makes it easy to read :slight_smile:

My last depressing paragraph:
They sat on the bed next to her and watched as his mother took her last breath. There she laid, on the hospital bed that should have been soft grass with flowers adorning her brown hair. She held his and his father’s cold hands and the stars started lamenting with them. The simple touch of their fingers stirred a warmth that reigned within, but it was not enough to save her. Her body was ready to become a clod in a graveyard devoid of birds. A contrived energy flowed from her son’s hand to hers, an energy that was begging her to stay. But it was time to say farewell and his soul intertwined with what was left of hers before her eyes closed forever. Elyakim stared at her pallid face, his eyes like crevices of a desert held mirages of their past happy memories watched his wife die and his parched lips turned into an oasis when he bent down to kiss her lips for one last time.


#203

Aww, thank you, I am trying to work on embedding the dialogues better. :slight_smile:


#204

Well you are doing a good job good luck :smile:


#205

Cold… I’m cold. I’m a lost cause, useless, even damaged. Why does he offer his hand so easily? I just met Oliver and well… I feel warm around him. My wings… they still hurt to look at, it’s hard to make them disappear so I can look human. I managed to hide them but… I don’t know how long I can hold this human form. Am I doomed to just roam the world aimlessly… I can’t make my own decisions. Can I say I’m still cursed? What is living? All I knew was fear, and living in solitude confinement … Was I just a pin cushion for Master’s amusement? He promised me the world… but for him I would’ve gave the universe. Is Oliver the white knight in the stories I loved to read so much? No, more like the thief that helped me escape my tower. I just get separation anxiety now… I can’t be alone for a certain amount of time now. Maybe it was due to being alone since I was really young. Then again who am I? I wouldn’t even know, let alone know who my parents were.


#206

Thanks for the feedback! I don’t know yet if he will be just a minor character as intended or I will eventually bring him back as more important. For now the scene is implied as him being a one time encounter to trigger her for the next scene to come. Though I have hidden a small hint in it that some readers might pick up on.


#207

It sounds like this person has bee through some shyt. It was kinda captivating. That separation anxiety sounds like a fun time lol.


Kariah-Belle Nadirè knew she would have bruises from the monster’s giant hand squeezing around her abdomen. She also knew she would puke any minute if this monster didn’t stop flailing her about every which way.

“Guys, ” the brown-skinned young woman began just before she forced herself to swallow the bit of vomit that threatened to escape her throat. “Get me the hell down from here!”

The all black creature roared as it tightened its grip around her, swatting at a redhead young man with a bright red aura around him. The young man avoided colliding with Kariah-Belle’s face and landed on the side of a building made of the chrome-like material, his hand melting a slit in the material.

“What’s that matter, Ri?” Said Lax-Rim, Kariah-Belle’s childhood friend, his smirk teasing and his crimson eyes held a playful gleam. “You look a little green there.”

The lumbering black monster roared yet again as it swung its large black sword for the redhead. He leaped off the building just as the black blade tore through it.

Kariah-Belle fought against nausea as she was slung through the air.

Lax-Rim. The young woman thought through the nurolink, the tech used to allow telepathic communication. You ass! Hurry up and get me down!

We’re trying, Ri. Jet answered in the link. This Evilbarer is tougher than we thought. Just sit tight.

Don’t worry. Kariah thought. I’ll sit as tight as this monster’s grip.


#208

I felt it was unfair that your paragraph got skipped - I like the raw feelings in the paragraph. I think you could make it stronger, if you split out the child from the father by putting the sentence starting with Elyakim into a separate paragraph, and simplifying it a little. ‘watched his wife die’ in that sentence seems as either redundant or an unfinished construction.


#209

From chapter 38 of The Legend of the Moonflower Princess:

"…“I hate to break up this intimate moment, but we should probably get moving,” he informed them. Donovan scowled at the Djinn, but even he couldn’t hide the faint flush to his face.

“We were moving. I mean, we’re going…now. We’re…following you guys.”

A full smirk bloomed and his face as Sosthenes shared a swift look with Shen, Blue, and Keres. “If you say so.”

He floated away towards the others, who had, indeed, started moving across the walkway they were on. Donovan glanced at Sahara briefly before walking after the Djinn, his strides swift and confident despite his faint, tangible embarrassment. Sahara tucked a loose hair behind her ear, exhaling a slow breath. Tugging at Keres’s reins, she led the horse after Donovan, taking care not to look too much over the side of the path. Blue lifted off Keres’s head, spinning in a circle before flying ahead to explore; at his request, she allowed Shen to jump onto her back so he could look around as well. Sahara watched them go for a moment before returning her gaze to the path, not wanting to be distracted and accidentally fall over the side. She and Donovan fell into an awkward silence as conversation began amongst the others, Nash leading the way over the river.

No one noticed the elegant white scales appear from the rapids below, sharp yellow eyes following them as they moved above the river…"


#210

She has I’m building her as like the little sister kinda character to the main character


#211

You’re so nice. It really bothers me when people skip too.


#212

OMG. This is scary. I love it. Well, I don’t like that she’s suffering but I like stories about that.

OOOoooh. Crimson eyes are cool =D

Wow. Superpowers too? This just keeps getting better and better.

Nice paragraph. Filled with action. It’s just perfect. :+1:


OK. Here’re mine:

“AAAAAHHH,” Gerald’s blood-curdling scream echoed as he got yanked too fast for Angel’s eyes to catch which way he went.

Splat!

Angel shut his eyes and froze with the flashlight shaking in his hand when warm liquid splattered from above, wetting his arms and face. He slowly opened his eyes and saw the crimson color on the flashlight and his hands.

“Dad?” he whimpered then hesitatingly looked up and found a hole on the ceiling that fitted the size of the cage.

The barbed-face monster peeked.

Angel yelped when he saw the humanoid creature looking down at him. He quickly turned the light away and sought false safety in tugging his knees to his chest. Just looking at that thing caused his stomach to churn and made his wild eyes lose a bit of their vibrant color.


#213

I stood outside Sebastian’s car with my arms crossed. My bag was starting to weigh down on me, the straps hurting my shoulders and making them sore. Soon a presence was felt behind me. With a split second glance, I could see Sebastian looking down guiltily. He gave a small sigh before he walked away and to the other side of the car. Unlocking the car, he clicked a button to unlock my side.

I pulled the door open and took a seat, pulling my bag off and setting it on the floor mat. We were silent for a bit. I had a feeling that neither of us would be going to class today. All of this drama is proving bad for my grades. There’s going to be so much makeup work since we have six different classes.

(Okay. It’s literally the beginning of a chapter so it’s boring XD I forgot that I started a new chapter)


#214

Well your not completely wrong lol. She is on of the MCs.