How do you mean? lol
Here is mine.
The only noise that could be heard in the dark room was the sound of my heart beating through my chest. I was nervous. More nervous than I had ever been in my life. As I sat there in the chair at the head of the four person folding table, holding the gun in my hand, and waiting for her to return home, I didn’t know what else to do but stare at the door.
Thanks! It’s the first few in the first chapter. It’s a revision of the original.
I mean one of* lol.
That was a pretty intriguing paragraph! It was simple, cut to the chase, and yet… it was intense at the same time.
Now, this isn’t to do with any actual writing. Since the whole premise of the thread is to post what you last wrote, this is exactly what I last wrote—part of my plan to a story I’m writing.
So if you want to read what was my last few paragraphs for my plan (to a sci-fi fantasy novel) then you can click here.
Their first stop was in Irey Kingdom. It took them a day and a half to reach (so they land in midday of April 27th). While in the air, their radar system detected something… but they couldn’t tell through the windows. They landed, and began searching around by the beach, where the mouth of the river starts. With everyone looking around, trying to figure out if anyone or anything is around, Nicolas is captured by a mermaid from the river.
He is dragged through the river, almost drowning as he sometimes takes gulps of air from coming up the surface, but the mermaid continued to drag him down. He fights, of course, and so do his crewmates. One of them dives in, to try and save him, but they are also captured by mermaids. The rest of the crew decides to head back to the ship, to try and save them by using the weapons, but once they get close enough to the river, the mermaids jump out at it and drag it down.
It lands in the water, where it’s dragged down further by the mermaids. Nothing bad happens to it, as it’s “water proof,” but the crew is frightened. Nicolas, however, manages to escape the mermaid by killing her with a dagger, and saves his crewmate as well, and they go back to the ship.
But instead of escaping, the number of mermaids there were double in size, and they escort them to the kingdom, which is a massive castle underwater, made up of corals and old concrete blocks.
The ship fits in the doorway of the “Grand Hall,” so they go right ahead. At the end of the hall is the Queen of the Irey Folk, Serene D’shnell. Serene expresses her anger toward Nicolas, about how he killed two of her people, and how he and his crew should get the same punishment. But he persuades her into the opposite because he’s looking for the Victorians, and they’re also a common enemy. She describes how they destroyed their home and tried to build another empire on the country, but the Irey did their best to win that war. So Serene accepts and frees them, but said that if they were to return, she would kill them without hesitation.
This is really good. I can’t wait to read it when it is finished.
Oh, by the way, Alicia, I want to thank you for being such an active Community Ambassador. Every time I see you commenting on a post, I think to myself, “There she is again. She has to be the hardest working person on Wattpad.”
Thank you! I can’t wait to finish the plan so I can start writing the book… xD I just don’t want to rush through it, so I’m taking it very slow and steady with it. Rushing through it was my first mistake when I was younger. I didn’t have all the facts and that was the cause for my writing to be low in quality… That, and the fact that my writing wasn’t all that great to begin with.
And awhhh… thank you! c: I’m not, haha, I know many other people who deserve the “Hardest Working Person on Wattpad” award, but I appreciate the compliment! It honestly was something I truly needed today…
Can anyone give me their opinion on mine, please?
I dashed down the hallway, my eyes barely grazing each room as I ran past. When I reached near the end of the hall, I felt compelled to enter the fifth room. It was dim save for a small, pulsating glow. A dead man was propped upright against the wall, his eyes still open. He did not look scared, rather apprehensive. His skin was pallid and as white as snow. I much preferred the metallic scent of blood over the musty dankness which lurked in this room.
His chest was cut open and his ribs jutted out from his body to form a circle. In the middle was his heart. It did not beat yet the light which emanated from it seemed quite alive. The sight made me want to recoil in disgust yet it seemed to be my only choice. Staying here may not be as of a good decision as I thought it was. I could either risk falling into the hands of whatever entity attacked Lucifer’s citadel or I could take a chance and go through this portal.
The tile under my feet began to writhe like an animal trying to escape its cage. At that moment I couldn’t bother to think of all the horrible things it could be. With the rope wrapped around my fingers, I jumped into the vacant space in the man’s chest. I had no idea how the Queen would manage to fit in it yet if Lucifer told me to take her he must’ve already known she could. The beating of a heart echoed throughout my ears as darkness swooped upon my unconscious mind.
I like the actions. It is pretty tense. I think there are a couple of times where you could do simplify a little, like when you say ‘too fast for his eyes to catch where he went’ it could just be left as ‘too fast to register where he went’. Also, if you are staying to the same POV, it could be better to say the barbed-faced monster peered at him, to keep Angel as the narrator.
“So…” Minh patted his bedmat he ended up appropriating midway through the story.
Xi unglued himself from the window frame, coming to sit next to Minh, hands folded helplessly in his laps. “And so I shall ascend to dragonhood and guard the Empire.”
“The stuff of epic tales.” Minh cupped his cheek with a warm palm.
“Unlike the epic tales I will not end up as a fearsome dragon by day, and a perfect gentleman by night,” Xi warned him, a bowstring tightening in his chest. “It is going to be hard on you.”
The familiar amused tick made Minh’s lips quiver. “When was loving you easy?”
I love the dialogue but this can use a bit of clarification. Like here:
If Minh appropriated the bedmat than it’s not his so the first ‘his’ should be changed to whoever it actually belongs to.
But other than that, good job. I can really feel the weight of the moment.
The headmaster recognized Ezra due to her late entrance making her stand out more than most students. “Actually, Mr. Umperton, I think you’d be interested in knowing the Mr. Ketea was also late in entering the school. Two years late, in fact. How are you adapting, Mr. Ketea?”
There was so much to be said about the school that Ezra was at a lost for words. The politics were ridiculous, the students were aggressive gossipers, the instructors had no idea what was going on outside of class and there were actual corpses hiding in the bowels of the school. However, honesty was the last thing the headmaster was looking for so Ezra said soullessly, “I’m adapting wonderfully. It’s such an honor to attend Nobilis Academy.”
Hayes barely smothered his snort.
In the original, I have ‘his’ italicized to highlight the ownership of the narrator (Xi that is). Will that help, or should I just put Xi’s there?
I think it’s clearer if you put Xi’s name there.
Oh, these are good suggestions. Thanks!
Thank you, will do.
- Powerful shot on the projector in front of the audience - Daniel mid-trick, crushing a huge grab, looking like a rockstar athlete.
All heads turn to Daniel, grinning. Daniel’s face drops. Those days are over.
- The next photo is a group shot of the four guys, standing with their boards on the beach.
WIDE SHOT - OUR HEROES, PLUS VANESSA, ARE SILHOUETTED AGAINST THE PHOTO OF THEIR FORMER SELVES. DANIEL EXITS.
EXT.ROOF DECK - CONTINUOUS
Alone, Daniel leans against the railing, looking out at the ocean. Tears streak his face.
After a moment, he is silently joined by Tyler, Zoesch, and Lucas. Lucas puts his arm around him. They stare out into the ocean as the music continues to play throughout the house.
END OF EPISODE.
I think this is the first screenplay tidbit I’ve seen. I’d love to know more about the context. Also, what music is playing?
From The True Covenant:
I tried to get Nate to act as a mediator, but the stress was too much for him. He was honestly pretty scared of Chandrell when she was angry, and she was insanely angry at the moment. Jay just stared at her longingly any time we saw her, but he refused to speak to her on the grounds of it being better that way. Lara was the only one who was willing to be a go between, but I couldn’t tell her much.
“Why are you guys fighting?” she asked, tilting her head and batting her eyes with practiced cuteness. I didn’t really get Lara, but she was useful when she wanted to be.
I tried to find a good way to tell her the gist. “Our parents got into a fight and her dad said we can’t hang out anymore. We aren’t fighting. She’s just trying to make her parents happy.”
“Uhg. Parents are so dumb sometimes.Mine,” she leaned in towards me, her lips curled in disgust, “won’t even buy me a car. How lame is that? They think I’m a baby. They’re all, ‘get a job, Lara. Learn some responsibility, Lara.’ It’s unfair!” She threw her hair back over her shoulder as she sat back up. It was a bit crispy and starting to turn green from the most recent bleaching. “I don’t get it. I get good grades and I don’t smoke. They should be happy I’m such a good kid.”
I suppressed the urge to slam my head into the lunchroom table. I didn’t hate her. She was just so… We just had nothing in common. The whole issue of the vampire fight I couldn’t talk about was more important. I was relying on her. “Yeah. I don’t get mine most of the time either. Do you think your parents would be cool with you inviting us over? Like tell Channy that you want to have a girl night and just don’t tell her I’ll be there?”
She looked thoughtful. “I guess. On one condition.”
It took everything not to groan. “Yeah?”
“You have to pay for the movies and I get to curl your hair.”
“That’s two conditions but fine.” I was going to look like I had a Cup O’ Noodles on my head but it was worth the price. I just hoped she was over Say Anything… because I might die if I watched that movie again. “Just tell me what you want to watch and what time she’ll be over ok? I want to make sure her parents are gone when I get there.”
She let out a soft squeal and grabbed a chunk of my hair. She fiddled with it, examining it carefully. ‘I am going to make you look AMAZING! I’m doing your makeup, too. You always look so plain. It’s no wonder nobody asks you out.”
I rolled my eyes. “Thank you, Lara.”
My lack of a high school love life was honestly the least of my worries.
I love how you managed to describe the relation between your mc and Lara in a few chapters. It’s clear that the MC is not happy with her, but knows the way to get what she wants.
Just a misplaced word here Mine is meant to be a little later I think:
Uhg. Parents are so dumb sometimes.Mine,” she leaned in towards me, her lips curled in disgust, “won’t even buy me a car. How lame is that?
I got some new paragraphs as well from my story. Finally
She heard it. The crunching snow beneath the weight of a huge snow leopard. She waited, pretending to not hear him. There was a second similar sound. He was to her right, 5 meters away behind a big rock. She could almost envision him sitting there, waiting for the right moment to pounce. She had to provoke that moment. Slowly she turned her head the other direction and pretended to stumble. He moved on to the rock, no longer hiding, but she kept her back to him. She heard his nails rake past the rock, his tail swishing in the wind she could feel him brace for the jump as did she prepare herself to embrace the Phoenix.
He took the jump. Encouraged by the voice in her head, she dropped all her barriers in her body opposing it. As wounded as she had seemed to him, the active and light on her feet she was now. She spun around and saw his eyes grew large as flames engulfed her body and huge flaming wings sprouted from her back. She jumped and they collided mid-air. He yelped loudly as he flaming paws connected with his face, scorching him and throwing him off balance in mid-air. He landed on his side and she was right on him, biting him in the back leg and burning him at the same time.
The power was insane. This was unlike anything she had ever felt before. She wanted to grin and laugh at the same time but still had to fight off her attacker. She wanted to sink her teeth in his body over and over, feel his muscles rip underneath her claws, his bones cracking every time she would hit him. She wanted to make him burn and suffer like he had been trying to do to her. She wanted to end it, end him.
Don’t kill him!
The voice snapped her back to reality. She had Nathan pinned down, blood covering his body, his throat between her jaws. It was just one bite that would end him. She stared down at him, every second feeling like a lifetime. She could see the utter terror in his eyes as she now held his life in between her canines. The urge to bite, to see the light fade out of his eyes was tempting her. To feel his pulse slowing down and come to a complete stop. It was all just one bite away.
Pretty tense fight!
There is something a little off with this sentence - I am guessing it should be ‘the’ flaming paws or ‘her’ flaming paws. I am not sure how Phoenix is pictured in your world, but I would have expected talons on a bird. In a couple of places, adding a paragraph splits to separate her actions from his could be nice, but it is already easy to see that the big fight is taking place with the two mortal enemies.
Xi squeezed Minh’s fingers. “It is going to work.” He realized how feebly it sounded when the Radiant Forge amounted to a rickety tangle of ceramic and metal pipes, and glass coils connected to a rack two hundred yards offshore.
No wonder suspicion creased his lover’s brows. “Why is it in the middle of the lake, heart?”
“Once the energies converge on the ascendant—”
“On you!” Minh snapped.
“On me,” Xi nodded. “Once it happens, the heat would be enormous. On dry land it would have baked dirt to a significant depth and the extent would have been even harder to calculate. Lakewater flowing through these pipes over there, and—”
Minh turned his back on the Forge. “Maybe I don’t want to kn— Wait!” His eyes widened in horror.
Xi was still whispering ‘submerging—’ when he whirled to see what spooked his lover. Minh’s hoarse words cut off as Xi dashed off. “You didn’t tell me anything about the human sacrifice…”
[quote=“DomiSotto, post:233, topic:1065”]
"Xi was still whispering ‘submerging—’ when he whirled to see what spooked his lover. Minh’s hoarse words cut off as Xi dashed off. “You didn’t tell me anything about the human sacrifice…”
I can’t really put mu finger on it but this last little bit seems a bit forced maybe try to structure it differently to make it flow better.
From Letters To Mars
Today I got into my first car accident. I had the windows rolled down and the music blaring Ariana Grande’s song dangerous woman. I was just about to belt out the famous high note that I could actually hit when the oncoming car swerved into my lane and hit the driver side door. My head slams against the dash. I hear the crunching of the metal. Pain spreads throughout the left side of my body setting it ablaze. The smell of iron sticks to me like bad perfume. I looked down and I saw my leg and is worse than bad. A jagged piece of metal had burrowed its way through my leg, blood oozed from it. A guttural scream bubbled in my throat I try to moving but my body won’t allow it . Tears and blood ran down my face. My mind begins to go numb and black spots fill my vision. I could hear the faint sound of sirens as I faded into the dark.
The sound of faint beeping wakes me and the sterile smell of cleaners waft into my nose effectively burning my nose hairs. I exhale and it is accompanied by pain. I scrunch my eyes together desperately trying to adjust to the harsh lighting of a room that was not mine. I look around and spot my dad but my papa was nowhere to be found. He sat hunched and folded in a chair, his clothes disheveled and his hair was a mess. Tissues littering his lap I could tell he had been crying the puffiness of his eyes gave him away. I had never seen him cry. He played with his silver wedding band turning it several time as he alway did when he was worried. I tried to sit up a little but I decided after a surge of pain that it was better not to.“Dad,” I tried to say but it comes out as asthmatic wheezing.