Was it the cut off/dashed off combo? I will look into ways to produce that darting effect without repeats. Or is it Minh’s line?
Yes the cut off/dash changes the flow quite a bit I think if you change that it will seem more natural.
It’s probably a bit forced, but these are the last few paragraphs I wrote for The Wanderer From Duphia, Aspa.
“Today marks the anniversary of Princess Cordelia Seraphina Carr-Dunet’s death — or rather, escape,” he corrected himself after clearing his throat and fiddling with his tie. “No one is sure. It also marks the anniversary of the Emerald Times’ article that came out shortly after, and the man who also died during that day. Strange coincidence, really…”
“More like, deliberate,” someone muttered.
They were rewarded nods of approval. The customers of the Lexicon had all watched the interview. Although his face was blurred, his voice had betrayed any efforts he made, showcasing the fear and uncertainty behind every stutter and pause. His thumbs fiddled with each other, but that wasn’t what drew their eyes to it – it was the dried red stains that settled between his knuckles.
This report was no different from the one before.
The soft ting of a welcome bell was sound, making the room silent once more. Her eyes gazed at the little opening the new comer would have to walk through, and when she saw his face, she knew it all began. Her fingers dipped into her coat pocket and softly caressed the little plastic bag that sat inside.
“I’m looking for Wanda Luxure?” a deep, rough voice said to the hostess. “She’s this high,” his hand stopped below his chest, “hair kept in a bun; with a reddish-brown russet colour to her.”
“And a nose ring…?”
“Yes!” His eyes brightened as a smile crept onto his face. “Exactly that. We had a reservation at nine? It’s currently,” he checked his watch and looked back up to her, “eight fifty-nine.”
Spoiler alert: he’s going to die.
I would suggest capitalising the ‘D’ and ‘W’ in Dangerous Woman, since it’s the title of a song. That automatically makes it a proper noun.
I would also suggest: “Tissues littering his lap, I could tell that he had been crying; the puffiness of his eyes gave him away.”
Overall, it’s a pretty good excerpt.
Thank you so much for the help!
I really really liked it. the tension of the interview is so real and raw (blood on the knuckles was a great touch), and the dialogue in the second part is natural and enjoyable. The only tiny thing is maybe in the first paragraph you use “also” twice and it throws off the flow a little bit.
The eastside’s fifth ring had wider streets, more dispersed buildings and fewer people than the inner rings, but appearances deceived. Even more so than before, my father’s hold was uncharacteristically light, a thin sheet of glass placed atop a boiling pot instead of a lid. And even more so than before, energies raged like fire.
What felt like hundreds of pairs of eyes burnt holes in my back, only to disappear when my gaze dipped in their directions. But the glowing flames of their energies amidst the black, empty space of my mindscape when I closed my eyes betrayed their locations. All of their locations. Xerxes’s golden blaze gasped for air even after I opened my eyes again.
A block north, two buildings east.
Well… that was creepy. I coulf feel their stares on me
Well done. I didn’t actually get what’s going on in the first paragraph but the descriptions in the second paragraph were amazing.
here are mine:
Angel’s lips quivered when he whispered, “Dad?”
A weak groan caught his attention to the right. The ends of the room were still dark so he turned the flashlight back on and pointed it on that direction.
Angel gasped and dropped the flashlight to cover a scream that was about to escape his mouth.
“An… gel,” Gerald faintly called.
Angel took the flashlight back with trembling hands and shined it on his dad. Tears slowly blurred his vision.
At the back wall, Gerald hung on two hooks that pierced through his shoulders, staining his hairy chest with blood. Barbed wires tied his wrists and ankles to a pair of poles on each side. His hands and feet were tied so tight that they fell limp and changed color to a darker tone.
Hm. I’m not sure if this’ll make any sense without knowing who they are, but I guess that’s kinda the point. shrug
She leaned forward, her red lips brushing his ear. “I’ll be around.”
She disentangled herself from his arms and strode towards the door, her hips and long blonde hair swinging as she walked. His eyes followed her, raving over her body.
Another woman, redheaded and in a low cut black dress, glanced over at the blonde nodded, almost imperceptibly. She tapped her fingers softly against the table she was leaning on five times.
The blonde woman, face revealing no sign of recognition, slipped out the back door, lit a cigarette and waited.
Five minutes later, the door opened again and the redheaded woman strode out into the dark alleyway streets. The blonde followed.
They walked fast, and in silence. After ten minutes of weaving through back streets and shortcuts, the red ducked into an abandoned alcove. The blonde did likewise. She leaned against the chipped cement wall, tossed her cigarette, and laughed.
“The drunken idiot told me everything.”
Are they spies or con women? I’m intrigued.
40 hours is a long drive. Unfortunately, the amount of weaponry they were toting meant air travel was out of the question. Initially the plan had been to take shifts to do the drive without stopping for more than food and restroom breaks. There were a number of problems with this plan.
A tire blew around mile 500. Another blew around mile 502. They only had one spare. Stopping to replace the second tire had taken several hours. They were delayed further in North Dakota when Joseph realized he hadn’t checked the camper for any drugs he might have ferreted away and forgotten about. The group parked in a crappy RV park until it was dark enough for the vehicle’s vampiric owner to get out and check all of his external hiding places. He was clearly unhappy about the half kilo of moldy weed he found, forgotten in a wheel well for some unknown length of time. He demonstrated this displeasure by punting the bag into the lake the RV park sat beside. He found a few shrooms, which he promptly consumed so “they didn’t go to waste.” The same thing happened to the three tabs of LSD he found in the glove box. He was no longer able to take his driving shift shortly after so they ended up spending the night in the camper, just a few miles south of the Canadian border.
Well THIS sure is a scene. Talk about a roadtrip, by the sounds of it
The walk did not ease the strange atmosphere between Alexios and I. Perhaps I thought stepping outside the small stone temple would help me think about my decision, but all it did was solidify how strange this all was. Last night had the easy, forbidden charm of fun. The party was over now, and the cold sober air blew all of that away.
I set off in a direction without thinking about it, and Alexios kept perfectly in step with me.
“How does one win your trust, miss Illuzi?” Alexios said after a moment. We were walking away from the slums, back towards the market. Perhaps while I had his attention, I could see how much gold I could convince him to part with.
“I don’t know,” I said. We walked past an alley, and with it, the same fiend-blooded from yesterday. A favorite sleeping spot, or a body not yet noticed.
spies. XD Ami Harper and Juliet Hamilton, MZA.
I like how the story feels, plus the anonymity, but I don’t really think that it sounds like them — or at least not like Ami, J’s a bit edgier lol — so I think I’ll scrap this start and save it for another day.
Personally, I’m just curious about what they need all those weapons for.
I love how you stated all these -hilarious- problems so bluntly. That made it all the funnier.
This is a very intense paragraph, isn’t it?
I think it is very well-written, because of the jumping thoughts, you convey the character’s confusion and their fear.
There are a lot of dots in there, though, and a lot of question marks.
I love the hints you’ve given us (as I have no background information), the question whether she is still cursed or not. One thing, the “what is living” seems very surprising to me, coming out of nowhere.
Still, I quite like it, especially this:
Ooh, I really like how you’ve written the dialogue, like, all of it! The tone is light, and I can imagine it being a funny scene, though somehow it seems to me that their general situation is not as funny.
I have to admit, there are a loot of names in there, but it is chapter 38.
I like all of your paragraph, but especially this part. It’s a wonderful description, and even though I have no idea what everyone looks like and what Blue and Shen are, there are images flooding my mind, showing me what this scenario could look like.
And this… well, I generally like these things. I do hope you did not actually end with “…”, though, because that disrupts the fluidity of your paragraph
If it’s boring, why not put up another paragraph instead of writing this in brackets?
Anyway, I like the beginning of your chapter. I don’t think it’s boring, just because there is no action happening. I like your description of how your MC carries her bag, and I like that you described both what they do and what your MC feels.
I think that this is great, but I would use active instead of passive voice, i.e. “Soon, I felt a presence behind me.” It sounds a bit weird.
I like this, because you did not over-describe her movement and go on to your MC’s thoughts afterwards, but we will not be confused as to what is going on. I was able to imagine the scenario very well, and I always like that. That is what I read for xD.
Means so much thanks for the feedback!!!
Do you think scrapping it is entirely necessary? It is definitely interesting. I’m sure with some revision you can get it where it was meant to be, but that is just my thought.
Re: the weapons. They are going hunting for a small vampire colony in the wilds of British Columbia. The vampire with them is a hunter in addition to being a bit of a psychonaut. Lol