What was the last few paragraphs you wrote?


#255

Thanks! Yes, there are a lot of names here because it is chapter 38 lol :rofl:

Also, Blue and Shen are a bird and a little dragon, respectively. And the last sentence is actually how I end the chapter (except there is a period instead of “…”)


#256

I like this passage. I think it conveys the hesitance of the character even if it doesn’t spell out what happened previously. Is this from a high fantasy work?


I learned that I had been wrong about Jay’s feelings on magic. He hadn’t chilled on it. He’d been so quiet about the subject because he was frustrated. He had been devouring the information in my first grimoire since mom had turned it over to him. His enthusiasm for that battered old book eclipsed mine. I hadn’t believed in magic when I got the book. He knew going in that it was real and that spurred him on even harder to make it work. It wasn’t working though. Dad had warned him that might be the case, but he refused to give up.

It was day three of being home alone. I had gone to bed at a reasonable hour since we had school in the morning. I awoke to my door flying open so hard it crashed against the wall. Someone leapt onto my bed. I was startled awake and scrambling in darkness. The wards weren’t going off but I suddenly had an intruder standing over me cackling like a fucking maniac. In the turmoil I managed to barrel roll off the side of my bed, taking the blankets Jay was standing on with me. He slammed into the wall, still laughing as the bedding came out from under him.

It took me a minute to catch my breath once the lights were on. He just laid there in a heap on my bed, barely clothed, laughing and periodically gasping, “It worked! It fucking worked!”

“What the HELL is wrong with you?!” I demanded once I found my voice. Just in case I wasn’t being clear, I made sure to emphasize my anger by whipping my hairbrush across the room at him. It missed his damn face and banged off the wall to his left. “Where are your pants, you fucking barbarian?! Why are you in my room?!”

He was still gripped by fits of laughter. I wondered if he’d snapped. He grabbed my hairbrush and held it out at me. “Watch watch watch!” He closed his eyes hard. I couldn’t tell if he was concentrating or getting ready to shit on my bed. I had no idea what I was supposed to be watching other than his mental breakdown. He opened his eyes and frowned at my brush. “It’s not working…. Hang on!” He scuttled back out of my room.


#257

Hahahaha I have no idea what happened here, but I do like your humor and vivid descriptions, like “whipping my hairbrush across the room” and “or getting ready to shit on my bed”. It made me laugh.

Here is mine:
I thought nothing could be more stupid than dropping a book on your head to impress a girl.
Turned out I was wrong.
Even more unbelievable was that it had worked.
The image was still horrifying. Mom had given me a lift on the way to her shift, and mindlessly, I had entered the living room, not expecting anyone else than Sam.
He hadn’t been alone though. Jennifer was there too, stuck to him like glue, and it looked like she was eating his face. I suppose they’d call it kissing. It was a lot more gracious in the movies though, or when Nathan and Charlotte did it, and in those cases, it also didn’t sound like two people were slurping spaghetti.
“What the fuck?”
It’d just escaped me, I hadn’t been able to hold it in. This was a sight I’d never wanted to see.
They’d broken apart, Sam avoiding my gaze, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. Jennifer had grinned at me, chest out, shoulders back. “My boyfriend and I are a little busy here, June,” she’d said, using my real name for possibly the first time in months. “You can come back later.”
I’d snorted; I hadn’t been able to help it. “I think your boyfriend’s concussion is a little more severe than we initially thought.”
She hadn’t even understood the insult. Sam, on the other hand, instantly turned red. “June, come on… Can’t you just… go make something or anything?”
I’d burst out laughing. His face… I was so going to tell Nathan about this. “As long as you two don’t make something, I’m not going to be in your way.” And snickering uncontrollably, I’d left for the kitchen, dying to app Nathan about his little brother having his first girlfriend. I hoped Sam wasn’t going to think the book thing actually worked, though. Maybe it did, but only on empty-headed girls like Jennifer.


#258

I like the humorous turn this took at the end. It sounded really cliche at the start, but I love the mildly insulting humor at the end. :joy:

Insomnia -

“Anytime,” he promised and wrapped his arms around her. He held her tight a moment, then looked down as he heard Creed again. His eyes caught the glint of the pistol though and he frowned. “Why are you armed?”

Nia looked up at him, but didn’t let go. “I thought you might be an intruder…” she admitted. “It’s 0500. Not exactly the hour for visitors.”

“Okay, that makes sense. Glad I spoke up first.”

“Eh, it’s on stun,” she shrugged and laid her head against his chest. He was rather warm, and reminding her that she did still need a few more hours of sleep.

“Mhm, yes because that’s so much better.”

“Shut up, I wouldn’t have shot you.”

“Why do I somehow not believe that…”

Nia looked up at him some, scowling. “Hey–”

“I’m teasing,” he said quietly with a playful smirk.

Nia stuck her tongue out at him and then laid her head against his chest again. She didn’t want him to move, just wanted to stay right here. No danger, no war, no pain existed here. Plus, he was warm.


#259

Well I don’t know. I like it, I just don’t feel like I’m conveying the girls very well. I mean, J’s only 18 here. And Ami isn’t really that dark of a character. (& and also 19).

I do plan on saving it for some other characters someday tho.


#260

I love a good snarky exchange, and Nia is so Soft™ on the inside. I heart.

Ainsel led her out the garden and over the cement pathways down to the docks. The moon only just lit the way.

“Titania used to like me,” Liesel said. Her lips barely moved in the cold. “But Mouth knew. Rick knew. They knew she wouldn’t like the way power was shifting.”

Ainsel looked over his shoulder at her.

“You don’t look very powerful right now.”

Liesel, small and cold, glared at him.

“I’ll rescind that statement.”

“I thought fae couldn’t lie.”

Ainsel chuckled and stopped walking. Liesel huddled close. Side by side, keep time, keep time . She followed his gaze into the harbor.

“Does that face look familiar?”

“Slina.” Liesel gripped Ainsel’s arm. “I thought Slina was dead. I thought they executed you!”

Slina lifted a slimy hand from the water, and Liesel reached out to grasp it.

Ainsel shoved and Slina tugged and Liesel tumbled into the frigid black.


#261

Ooh, plot twist! I would love a few more details about stuff like what Slina looked like in that moment, just to give it even more punch, but I definitely get what’s going on. I like it!

My chest throbbed, aching memories rising to the surface. When I had left home, I hadn’t told Mother that I loved her. She was the woman who birthed and raised me, who comforted me on the day of my ceremony, who healed without thought of reward, and I had not taken the time to tell her. Bryia and Godri had been upstairs playing, unable to even hear me say goodbye. When Father ran out of that Great Hall, I hadn’t told him how much he meant to me, or how I wanted more than anything to make him proud of me. After I saw Gerta lying bloody in Fent, I had run away. Regret was a hot knife in my center, wrenching my insides further with each new realization that my death would leave every thread loose, every question unanswered.

Every question except one.

I sprang to my feet, walking quickly to the house where Brynjolf slept. Taiko didn’t budge; he knew that I was headed in the exact direction he had guided me. For the first time, thoughts of rejection and nervous cowardice were not keeping me chained. I was free, light, confident. My inner-bear and my heart were not fighting for dominance anymore. They worked in tandem, pulling me towards him. If the dragon of death truly was coming to claim me, I wanted to spend eternity knowing that Bryn had heard the words that had been trapped inside me for over a year.

The nerves fought hard in the back of my mind, screaming to be heard, but I was not their slave in this moment. I was the captain of this piece of my fate.

I opened the door without knocking. Brynjolf, surprisingly, was not sleeping, but he instead held the blue and tan necklace from his ankle, silently examining it until my entrance claimed his attention.

He was bound to another, to the girl who gave him that necklace, but my heartbreak didn’t matter. I didn’t need his love to live, I merely needed him to know. I was going to face the dragon. I was the dragon.

“Bryn… I love you.”


#262

I really love your word chose the way you described the seen made it that more intriguing.

From Letters To Mars

The sound of faint beeping wakes me and the sterile smell of cleaners waft into my nose effectively burning my nose hairs. I exhale and it is accompanied by pain. I scrunch my eyes together desperately trying to adjust to the harsh lighting of a room that was not mine. I look around and spot my dad but my papa was no where to be found. He sat hunched and folded in a chair, his clothes disheveled and his hair was a mess. Tissues littering his lap I could tell he had been crying the puffiness of his eyes gave him away. I had never seen him cry. He played with his silver wedding band turning it several time as he alway did when he was worried. I tried to sit up a little but I decided after a surge of pain that it was better not to.“Dad,” I tried to say but it comes out as asthmatic wheezing.

"Hey, baby girl."He leaned in and his lips brush against my forehead. His voice trembled as he spoke. “I sent your papa home for a while he would leave your side for the past two days. We were so scared baby.” A tear fell upon my cheek as he sat closer to me resting a hand on my leg. That’s when I start to panic. The machines that I was hooked to start to beep erratically.

“Daddy I can’t feel your hand. Why can’t I feel it?” It was as if someone was sitting on my chest,I start gasping for air desperately squeeze my his hand tears pricked my eyes. He began to hum the song he sung to me when I was a little girl. " Thats right baby girl breath in and out, just like we used to do it." He continues to hum, the familiar melody it soothes me and my breathing evens out.


#263

I just finished writing my most recent chapter, about to publish it shortly! Mine’s a little strange out of context but he’s talking about traumatic memories (his “demons”):

See, those memories, when they come to haunt you, they don’t come as a one act play. It’s a full-length, double feature. There is no intermission. there is no escape. You can’t plan for an early bird special, an evening rush, or a matinee. Those kinds of memories? They can hit you at any time, but most often, they come at night. And once that f—-ing curtain goes up, your only choice is to stay seated and keep your eyes on the stage.


#264

this is very emotional and powerful, I instantly care about your characters. Make sure you keep your tenses consistent though. There are also a few places you could put breaks - try
He played with his silver wedding band, turning it several times as he always did when he was worried.
and
Tissues littered his lap, and I could tell he had been crying - the puffiness of his eyes gave him away.


“You’re not Esmeralda. Who. are. you?”

Even through the muffle left in Esme’s ears, his voice was high, hollow and cracked. It got the attention of the men at the radio, who straightened when they saw Esme awake. One said something Esme couldn’t make out to the other and left quickly, a leap in his step. The other alternated his weary glance between Esme and the radio until he finally bent over again, his fingers moving much more rapidly before.

Esme opened her mouth to protest that she was, in fact, Esmeralda, but like everything else, her voice has not quite returned to her. Her words got lost somewhere in the air.

When she finally croaked the most intelligible thing she could think of, it sounded back jumbled in her ears. “What?”

The gaze of the boy with swollen eyes was unrelenting.

She was not Esmeralda. Who was she?

A pulse of her heart.

Two.

Three.

“Esme.”


#265

Thank you for the help and I’ll try hard to keep the tenses consistent.


#266

oof.


#267

lol is that a good oof or bad oof?


#268

"I hadn’t told my mother I loved her.’ I don’t know, that just hurts. :joy:


#269

Just checking, did you mean badly jumbled? Other than that, cannot wait to read it in the story. Love Esme’s pov, she sounds confused but thinks on her feet.


Make sure your scales are scarlet, it will uphold the morale… the reedy human voice echoed in his ears, the memory making him snort a whiff of smoke over his golden moustache.

Wingless, he soared above the clumsy humans, bringing all thirty feet of himself into the air. The water rolled off his scales, raining down on them, and they sang praises as behooved them… Alas, the muddy lake would not reflect him in his glory. He needed a glacier for that, or the entire Jade Sea…

“How do I look?”

“Like an emerald torrent, beloved.”

Another distant memory. Amused eyes, a quivering full lip… “Minh?”

“Safe and sound, beloved.”

“Ah, good.”

He dashed after the golden temptress, the winged enigma he chased for so long through the labyrinths of slumber. No more. He was now awake.


#270

thanks, and no, I meant sounded back. like the echo of the sound. idk if that makes sense. english is hard. maybe i should just say “it jumbled in her ears.” ?


#271

You mean like a feedback that gives you that eerie echo on electronics?


#272

kind of - not really. I am just going to take out “back” and I think it still works


#273

Sorry to be a neat-pick!


#274

not at all :slight_smile:

I was wondering about it as i wrote it. half of the things i write i don’t know make sense but then i just go with it