What was the last few paragraphs you wrote?


That’s some beautiful writing. I have no idea what’s happening because I guess I need to read the whole scene but I love your description style, it’s so stylistic and I can definitely get a sense of your kind of voice.

Doug Evans wondered whether humanity would ever witness natural beauty ever again. In a time where interstellar travel would soon be possible, even the stars had begun to lose their glow. The next generation would be born amongst the red dust of Mars – a waste of a planet incapable of natural life. For now humanity had decided to turn its back on the dying blue planet, and look towards new destinations.

The cruiser took Doug to the more lavish parts of the city – where his partner currently lived. The ground below was packed with shuffling shells of people, moving to and from their destinations or wandering aimlessly. The streets were filthy, the black concrete slick with grime and puddles from the previous night’s timed rain. He looked up at the skyscrapers towering over the crowd, the further up you travelled the more expensive the apartments got.

She was waiting for him by the door, leaning against the wall and looking up at the sky. Ida Quinn was tall and slender; wearing a formal black outfit of slim-fitting trousers and a blazer. The black hair that framed her pale face was cropped short at the back and grew longer towards the front. Asian features were rare in Atropos now all cultures had begun to merge into one but her creator had modelled her off his own Chinese heritage.


ooooh. I really like your descriptions.


Aw man, I haven’t legitimately written anything in a minute, since I’m doing revisions, but:

“I don’t need my Will to end you.”

Ja’kri drove his knee up into Aurin’s gut, winding him, grabbed the gun just as it went off. Seeing stars, Aurin stumbled backwards, face exploding with pain, and Ja’kri shook his knuckles off. Ja’kri had decked him across the face so quickly he hadn’t even gotten a chance to see it happen.

Ja’kri tossed Aurin’s pistol toward the Runners. “Good, bring it then. Even playing field, bitch.”

TL;DR when a mage gets de-powered, bad times ensue


I like the names. :slight_smile:


I’m very proud of my names!


Thank you. well, it is the ending of the last chapter so I don’t expect the immediate immersion, heh. Just the Epilogue left to go now. :slight_smile:


Lol, I love that last line there.

Here are a few paragraphs from a wedding scene in my story, Out of the Castle:

“In the beginning, there was only the Great Lord and nothing else besides. He was whole and complete and endless in himself, wanting for nothing in the glory of his perfection.” She paused, sweeping the crowd with the scythe of her gaze, before gathering them up again and continuing. “However, even one such as he was lacking one thing. Though he contained the entirety of the universe within himself, he was missing something that even we, his creatures, have never been without… Limitation.”

A smile played upon her features like the firelight, and she stepped forth beyond the couple, closer to the fire, looking down into its wavering flames. “So the Great Lord divided himself up,” she continued, “and created patterns and boundaries within himself which we have now come to call Form. And from this Form, he drew out the universe, creating the stars and planets, the land and sea, the birds and beasts, then finally, the Yesod, made in his own image and divided in half to create man and woman.”

She began pacing a circle around the fire, casting her shadow like a net. “We may well ask ourselves why any being would wish for limitation when they might be so complete in their own right,” her voice came softer now, like a grandmother explaining the moral of a fable. “The answer is so simple, yet complex. Something we know so intimately, yet so often fail to comprehend. Still, even in our feeble understanding, the reason for the Great Lord’s wanting can be summed up in a single word: Love.”

She turned back towards Mariam and David, returning to stand between them once more. “That which is complete has no need for anything. It has no reason to reach out beyond itself and pull another closer. It has no need for friends, for family, for lovers or children. That is why the Great Lord distributed himself throughout the universe, so he could know true completeness through love, through the reunification of all that is incomplete.”


So, I decided to think about becoming real. If I was just a thought trapped in some expanse of nothingness, then there should be nothing to hold me back. Instead of trying to release energy closed off inside of my mind, I tried imagining myself as the source of power. I slowly began to get some semblance of a form back. Even though the endless dark encased my vision, I could sense that a body was slowly forming out of sheer willpower. Something wasn’t right though. This body wasn’t mine. Strange amalgamations of a formless body slowly shaped itself, growing infinitely large, both encompassing the entirety of this endless universe, but also being dwarfed by the infinite space. It stretched endlessly, and almost seemed to pulse with immense amounts of energy. Every throb sent rippling waves of force echoing throughout my personal universe, and every inch of it’s infinite form seemed to radiate with the power of an entire reality captured like a bug in a jar. It almost seemed to shatter every remaining aspect of my thoughts by staring at the raw image of infinity, but I realized that I wasn’t just staring at this conflux of energy.

I was this strange facet of infinity.


From my contemporary NA #BLINDsided

It’s only twenty minutes, he thought, swallowing it. Twenty minutes to oe-holmeoni’s house and out of this damn car.

The thought soothed a fraction of his frayed nerves when he stepped out of the private jet
and slid into his oe-halmeoni’s cranberry Rolls Royce ten minutes prior.

Now he sat slumped in his seat, forehead pressed to the warm windshield as golden
sunrays splashed across his face between passing palm trees on Northshore Drive.

If this was any normal visit to his oe-holmeonie in Ohanalani, Hawaii, his head wouldn’t have been slanted against the glass, but lifted and alive, staring through it with dreamy wide-eyed wonder at the zoom-out of Owii Beach as they gained distance to the countryside of Sunset Cove.

It was one thing he never missed on the ride from the airport. How could he not? It was
such a stunning scene: The Pacific Ocean a shimmering lapis lazuli dotted with yachts and tiny boats sporting colorful fins. White crescent waves racing to the thin ribbon of sand peppered
with people as a barrier of sun-basking hotels stood along its opposite edge. Behind them and
towering above it all, the evergreen, misty peaks of the Indigo Mountains with, Mala, the
enactive volcano, sitting at its center, almost melding into the bruising evening sky.

Jae-Won saw none of it—wasn’t seeing. He was pulled deep into himself, occupied with notions that required strenuous effort to maintain: keeping his composure; tempering the flames within.

Just only twenty minutes, he reminded himself, firmer. *Twenty minutes and all would *


It was like electric shock, hearing his name. His eyes expanded; his muscles tensed. And
it caught him off guard for two reasons: One, because he hadn’t heard the nick-name since he
was ten, and, second, and more importantly, who had said it.


this is from a piece that’s still in the brainstorming stages. Like “I haven’t figured out the main character’s name yet” stages. but my urge to write something tacky and noir detective-y and then make it gay took control of my body.

“Hi.” I said.
“Hi.” Lainey said back, taking a seat in the armchair on the other side of my desk. She was, for lack of a better description, smoking fuckin’ hot. It was pretty hard to get even that one word out around her.
I cleared my throat. “So, what can I help you with today?”
“You’re (name), right? You’re not too bad, from what I heard. Didn’t you clear out the met in what, a few hours?”
“Yeah,” I said, rubbing the back of my neck. Was it getting hot in here, or was it just her? I was still trying my damndest to keep up appearances, though, so I leaned back in my chair and kicked my heels up on the table, doing my best impression of a mafioso in a 70’s movie. “Yeah, that’s me. What about it?”
“Any chance you guys’re looking to hire?” Lainey said. I tensed up a bit.


SMILΞ ᏢᎪᏒᎪᏞᏞᎪҲ - Chapter III - The devil is in the details

Until Percy felt the dead pull of the chain – the gold chain that was attached to the wallet, and that hooked into the pocket of the big man now looking at him. An icy chill crept into Percy’s chest and time stopped all around him. The swing in emotion, like a pendulum sweeping one side to the other, struck him in the chest like he’d been hit with a brick. And he reeled, almost feeling sick.

After the world’s longest-running fraction of a second, the thin chain had snapped, and Percy again took off running, faster than he ever had before. It wasn’t fear carrying him this time time around, it was the promise of victory. If he could just evade capture, it wasn’t over, he wasn’t defeated yet. He zipped around the corner with no regard for who and what he bumped into. He just had to go, go, go. Weaving in and out of pedestrians and bodily striking the rails and corners he wasn’t quick, nor agile enough to effortlessly dodge in all of his haste.

He just had to get lost – he had to disappear. He couldn’t tell if they were chasing him because he refused to look back. But he knew someone would be after him; someone always was. Percy was always the thug, he was always the criminal, and the family disappointment, even when he hadn’t done anything wrong. So what was the difference? Living behind bars, getting thrown out of every establishment, chased down every alley? He already lived that life without any of the reward, without any of the payoff, without ever deserving any of it. Now, he thought, it was high time.

“You want me to be the monster? I’ll be the monster.”


High Class- Chapter 3

Growing even closer as the family we were becoming.

After what felt like hours we finally pulled away, all looking at each other. Some of us with tears in our eyes, others without. We were finally all able to take a deep breath. Finally able to start processing.

Where are we supposed to go from here? With that question the entire group looked at eachother, not sure what our next step was. Not sure how we all felt, and not sure how we were going to make it in this big bad world that was surrounding us.

Would we ever be able to survive?


She saw how lifeless his eyes looked, knowing that someone must have taken his life, as she geared in closer to open his narrow eyelids. Her pants cooked in the summer heat, as sweat encumbered her body. As she looked down, she noticed her pants soaked in the color of love. But this description of this color wasn’t as positive, this time, it was the color of blood, the same color as Jordan’s rosy cheeks. She took the body inside, and kept it away, protecting it.


A few paragraphs from an unpublished chapter of my story Desire’s Reincarnation. I am still working on it, trying to get the right feels.

Shiraishi kneeled and lay the bouquet of sunflowers in front of the tombstone. She just finished washing the monument and the sun reflected softly on the stone that was still wet. A little smile appeared on her face.

“Hinachi… how are you? Sorry for not visiting you sooner. I hope you understand. It was too difficult. I wasn’t sure if I was able to come here today, but here I am.”

Shiraishi took a deep breath and touched the stone. Although Higuchi’s body wasn’t physically here, it was a beautifully designed memorial of a woman gone too soon.

“I have been wanting to tell you that I am a bit mad at you. That bullet… it was meant for me. I had that bullet coming for a long time. You had no right to catch it.”

A tear appeared in the corner of her left eye.

“I survived, but at what cost? I don’t know how to live on without you, but…”

Shiraishi gulped.

“Hinachi, I climbed to the roof of my apartment two days ago. I walked to the edge, just one step away of being reunited with you again. But Hamadate came at the right moment. She reminded me of what you said when… when…”

The tears started flowing.

“So I made a promise. I am going to make Hamadate happy. Because eventually, that will make me happy. You knew that all along, didn’t you? Hinachi, you knew, right? I am so sorry… will you forgive me when we meet again?”


emotional and beautifully written <3. However, I think in the first sentence, laid is the correct form.

With her nose tucked into Effat’s neck and Effat’s back to me, the girl’s eyes wandered up and bored into mine: narrow, sharp, and under eyebrows that did not crease, even when embracing a supposed friend who could have - who should have - died. There was something in the deliberate way she lifted her bird’s nose when she rose again. I knew instantly.


Slowly but not so slowly I treaded the pathetic line of timidity, I retrieved my safic from its sheath and bowed as I offered it to her hilt-first. She took it into her hands with her energy burning for more.

"Your safic means nothing to me if you cannot remove your head as well."

I allowed an easy smile slip onto my lips despite her painfully public reference of influencing. “I think you’ll find my head could be rather useful to you on.”


“We should probably find who they belong to.” Eclair patted the back of her head slightly flustered at her fumbling and carefully picked up the glasses.

“I think I already know who they belong to.” Rue said. Eclair looked up at Rue. She was surprised that she had said that given her poor attitude of her first day of school.

“And I think we should be able to find her if we split up. To find the girl I’m thinking of, ask yourself, 'what would be the best place to read in a time like recess? The girl has purple hair you can’t miss her. '” smiling at Rue Eclair nodded and the two of them split. Eclair looked outside and Rue looked inside. After a few minutes Rue could hear Eclair’s voice booming from outside.

“Found her!” Eclair sounded giddier than usual. Rue decided to get there as soon as she could. That is until she heard another sound looming though the hallways. It was a voice.

“Nate! This is crazy! You’re going to get in a crazy amount of trouble if you do this!”


The mysterious, even to the character, actions flow well in these paragraphs.


Comma instead of a period here.

First of all, OMG they have adorable names. Rue (which reminds me of the cute little girl from The Hunger Games) and Eclair (which is kinda a mix between Elixir and Claire).
Second of all, that last line is mysteriously good. I wonder who the voice belongs to. Nicely done :+1:

I would deeply appreciate it if you guys would give me some feedback about the last few paragraphs in the last chapter I published:

Barbed Face folded his arms, stood back, and watched.

Angel could faintly hear his growls, which meant he had to hurry and change or he might snap at him again. The idea of giving the creature a reason to undress then dress him made his skin crawl. He would rather not be touched. So, he inhaled then let a long, nervous breath out between downcurved lips and began stripping.

With weary gestures, Angel got up and pulled the sleeves of his jacket until he took it all off and threw it on the floor. Then he wrapped his arms around him and hesitated for an extended period of time before he heard the monster’s growl again. He timidly stretched his hoodie up, revealing two giant bite marks on a toned belly.

Angel finished taking off his shirt, exposing a bandage wrapped tightly around what appeared to be a bit fuller and rounder chest than an average male’s. A pink shade warmed his cheeks while he briefly hugged himself, feeling ashamed and violated. He noticed the monster’s arms dropping in awe. Angel’s eyes never glanced away from the floor, but he could feel Barbed Face’s penetrating stare.

Angel continued taking the rest of his clothes off. He unlocked a wide belt that used to cover his thinning waist. Light skin as fair as a baby unveiled when black jeans dropped loose under Angel’s hips, revealing lean thighs and legs, slightly curved in an attractive way.

With a bandage around his bust and a pair of boxers with a swollen groin area, Angel stood before the monster as neither a boy nor a girl.


i have no idea the context, but i really liked it. the vulnerability is palpable and it is super (and i hate this word so you know i mean it) intriguing. The only thing i can think of is maybe check this sentence:

“Light skin as fair as a baby unveiled when black jeans dropped loose under Angel’s hips, revealing lean thighs and legs, slightly curved in an attractive way.”

because you say both unveiled and revealing in two seperate clauses, and it feels unneccesary/reads a little strange. other than that, awesome


From chapter 40 of The Legend of the Moonflower Princess:

"… “Is this…” she trailed off, unsure if her suspicions were correct.

“It is the physical manifestation of the Tamashi bond with your weapons,” Yasahiro explained, “To that end, which very nearly snapped from the strain, is to your mind and soul. And to that end…”

They pointed upstream with one index finger. “To that end is what remains of the Moonflower Princess.”

Sahara turned to look at them, eyes wide with shock. “What?”

A very dry chuckle escaped Yasahiro’s throat at her expression. “Oh dear. I’m afraid I may have said too much for here.”

They lifted their other hand to hover over the apparent Tamashi bond. “Why don’t we continue this conversation once you’re awake?”

Before Sahara could say anything else, a great burst of black matter sprang from Yasahiro’s hands and encircled the frayed line. The light increased tenfold and she threw up her arm in order to shield her eyes…