What was the last few paragraphs you wrote?


#295

From an unpublished book that I’m starting. This is halfway through the first chapter but it’s as far as I’ve gotten.

“It’ll cheer me up!” Marcus shouts, over excited about the idea of having a dessert before dinner. Something he was never allowed to do… unless it was his birthday of course. Today I was willing to make an exception.

I make a right turn, pulling onto the road with our local Dairy Queen–the kids favorite place. I could see the excitement in Marcus’s face as his small blue eyes beam out the window. It was so easy to make their day better. I loved these days, especially if it gave me an excuse to get an ice cream for myself.

A small smile forms on my face as I pull into the parking lot. Trees blowing in the breeze on the corners of the parking lot adding a small touch of decoration. The building was an off white, laced with small accents of blues and purples. Mazie was the first to unbuckle when we pulled into the spot, pulling herself slowly from her seat.


#296

OMG. Thank you!
I was so nervous to touch upon that topic. I wanted to portray the mental suffering of people like Angel in a psychological horror story kind of way.

As for that sentence, I see what you mean. Do you have any suggestions to fix it?

Thank you so much for the feedback :heart:


#297

I was sure at this point that there was nothing here that could get me out. Even if we continued to walk around it would be no use. This land had been clearly abandoned for some time and may even be on the edge of its death. If places and people were only sustained by human thoughts alone, whatever this place is surely soon to be forgotten. I could already picture me being Creature’s final meal. I wrapped the cord around my finger. It defied gravity, floating wherever it pleased. It appeared to be some sort of visible aether or energy. Creature began to lick her butt, letting out a drawn out huff when she finished. While she went back to staring out into the distance(probably thinking about absolutely nothing), I stared at the rope. If I were to try my best to explain its texture, it was like mist that had a form and is coated in gel.

My eyes widened and a grin appeared so fast on my face it was as though someone had slapped it on there. If I were able to have some sort of limited power in Hell, it was possible I could have some here as well. It was a shitty idea but if this land was as collapsed as it seemed to be it could work. I closed my eyes, allowing the eerie silence to seep in. I filled the empty space that occupied my mind with what would be a pretty low resolution image of the land I was now in. My line of sight shot off from the ground and floated through the fog lining the grey skies. It all came to life. The air, once heavy and moist, was now cool and crisp. It was as though a ghost had passed right through me. Only the sensation of the air was present. It became my mind and my body. I weaved throughout the skies, taking in the scattered remnants of castles and buildings which spotted the grassy land.


#298

(oOoOoo here have some unpublished work)

I see him tremble. His whole body up and down, blatantly shaking. He looks freezing. His is face drawn and cold. You can see the emotion most prominently in his hands, reaching out to gently touch one of the old photographs hanging on the wall. You can see the fragile grief in the hesitance of his movement. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him like this. Seen him this obviously broken. I mean he’s always appeared broken but in his own insane type of way, in a way which almost didn’t seem broken; loaded with drugs and alcohol and distractions and crazed emotion. But this? This was so different. He looks truly, distressingly, tragically… sad. In a completely uninfluenced, raw type of way.


#299

I would take out ‘blatantly’ in the first line, otherwise it feels like a great portrayal of someone in extreme distress, from a compassionate onlooker.


The loot piled on the ground: jewelry of every kind, still attached to the bits of flesh that it used to decorate, the swathes of cloth-of-gold fabric, the demons’ braids… red flooded her vision when her fingers went through a length of a gold-thread bound hair, exactly the same shade as Yu’s where dry blood did not cake it. Underneath that awful relic she found what she had come here for.

Sayewa removed the artifact from the revolting treasure horde, a pistol whose muzzle opened up in a roaring dragon’s maw. It came to life in her hand, glowing crimson, urging her to shoot the perpetrators.

“This is cursed,” she told the two wretches hoarsely, waving the weapon under their noses so they could see its ominous aura. She wrapped it in the length of silk that was not bloodstained, and hid it in the breast of her tunic. They watched her with rounded eyes, knives staying hidden in their sleeves, afraid of a faery like most commoners. Good thing that something still put fear in their hearts. “Burn the flesh of the dead with due reverence. And pray for forgiveness every day until you die.”


#300

I like this. Don’t even have any ideas because it’s good the way it is XD

Eyes locked with hers, Hook resisted the urge to look at Teddy one more time. “You’ll take me there within the next few days. And it will be a safe journey?”

“Safe and sound,” she said, giving a nod.

Their eyes were still fixed when Delta came up behind them. The mermaid’s smile brightened. Hook gave her one last glare before turning to Delta.

“Where did she come from?” asked Delta, looking down at the mermaid.

Hook made Teddy stand to get his clothing back in order. "The water.

“Oh, no. I thought she had come from the trees.”

“We’re following her,” Hook said, allowing for no argument.

Delta looked from Hook to the mermaid and back at Hook again. Although her face showed her displeasure, she said nothing.

“Now,” said Hook, turning to the mermaid once again. “Lead on.”

She smiled. “To the springs.”


#301

Peter Pan fanfiction? It sounds interesting. Is this an alternative timeline? Before or after the story?


“I want to try something. It might be kind of, sort of, technically stealing.” He rolled forward in line. We were three or four cars back from the stop sign.

“What?”

“Are you going to snitch?”

“Seriously? If it’s magic and I snitch Mom will probably eat me for teaching you stuff.” Thus far everything we’d tried was small and harmless aside from driving my aunt crazy. There wasn’t anything I could think of with the magic we knew that could do much damage.

He drummed the fingers of one hand on the steering wheel. “I want to try imprinting cash.” I raised an eyebrow at him. “I’m gonna try and make it look like it’s more than it is.”

I made a noise reminiscent of Aunt Maggy’s mmmm last night. “That seems like a bad idea.”

“Aw come ooooon.”

To this day, I have a hard time counteracting that very convincing argument.


#302

It’s more about Captain Hook but after :wink:


#303

Yours sounds like a wild time btw
naughty XD


#304

hmm it’s a tricky one… maybe

“Black jeans dropped loose under Angel’s hips, revealing light skin as fair as a baby, lean thighs and legs slightly curved in an attractive way.”

idk


#305

That sounds better :smile:
Thanks!


#306

Two Can Keep A Secret

I took my eyes off the river and turned to him. After a long silence, he turned to face me, I had never realized how tall he was, my head only came up to his chin. It wouldn’t be as intimidating if he was looking down on me so I tried a different tactic: charm. I smiled up at him, hoping these moments of neutrality would be enough to convince him.

“Will you?” I asked again, softer this time. The sky had only gotten darker and murkier but I wasn’t as afraid as I had been earlier. It didn’t change the fact that my heart was beating faster than it should have been and I wasn’t sure if it was because of residual fear or something else.

He was still looking at me with guarded hazel eyes that I couldn’t decipher but at the sound of my voice, he blinked. “Uh, yeah, sure. I’ll do it.”

I knew that I should probably say thanks or show any sort of gratitude but I was still unsure of the fragile alliance Jack and I had formed. Instead, I wrapped my arms around my body to fend off the strong winds. Jack cleared his throat before asking, “Do you, uh, want my jacket?”

I suppressed a laugh. It was funny how Jack could go from brutally interrogating me to attempting to make amends in the span of a few minutes. The wind nipped at my bare heels and blew past my face but I managed to look unaffected.

“I’m good.”


#307

The gaggle of faery acolytes who tended the flower beds in the outer courtyard went running at the sight of them. Seeing their shocked faces Xi whispered, “Mother, perhaps you could hide the Gracious Judgment?”

“It is not the pistol that scared them,” she said dryly. Her grip on Sayewa changed from sisterly to be more like that of a warrior holding a shield.

“What was it then?”

“One day, Xi.”

She did not call him ‘baby’ this time, so asking was not a waste of breath.


#308

here’s mine from my book The Stars Told Me So
*****
“I thought the hospital would only make her more depressed, but I considered it during work, and we don’t have a choice.” There was a pause, “We’ll take her back. You know how she comes out worse with every visit. I thought maybe…” Her voice trailed off, then she shook her head as though to get rid of some foolish idea. “Never mind.”

“You can go now. We don’t have all night.”

I stood on the porch for a minute longer when the door slammed shut.

They air smelled like wet Earth, and rain when it slides down a tree’s leaves. A bit like freedom that you can’t quite reach.

It was in that still, brief minute that I thought of Vincent and the fire.

It was in that still, brief minute that I made my first reckless decision.

I was Icarus flying closer towards the sun with the knowledge that my wings would eventually melt, and I would fall. I was destined to all along.


#309

Hey, guys, remember to offer a little feedback on the posts before yours. Part of this is to help one another improve. :heart:

@axa_reads I think this is a cute interaction, even if it wasn’t entirely meant to be. I envisioned him rubbing at his hair, deliberating whether to be a gentleman or not.

@DomiSotto Is there a third person in this scene? And what were they afraid of?

@AlissaZayan yay for reckless decisions! What is the background here? That sort of medical discussion doesn’t seem like the kind that would normally take place on a stoop.


By the time we parked at the gas pump, I was on pins and needles. I wasn’t sure if I was scared or excited. I couldn’t believe we were going to do this. The whole way I’d been playing scenarios in my mind. They’d all ended with us getting arrested or burned at the stake, because of course that was a completely logical conclusion to reach in the year of our Lord, 1990

Jay was keeping it cool. If he was faking it, it was the best job he’d ever done pretending to be completely nonchalant. He handed Dennis, the gas attendant, his ten spot as he got out of the Rover. I didn’t see any glimmer of magic as he passed it off. At least he was holding up to only trying to do this inside. He sauntered into the convenience store like he owned it. I followed him in, waiting for our certain doom to befall us. I’m sure I looked frantic.

Roger Bentley had robbed this store more than once over the years. As a result, Mr. Woodberry seemed to believe Jay was also a thief. Since I was there with Jay, I was guilty by associated association if there was such a thing. It didn’t help that I had called him out for overcharging me on a magazine a few months before. His reason- “Well it just makes up for whatever you stole.” In his mind, the two of us were nothing but street urchins taking his precious backcountry bodega right out from under him.

I kept close to Jay as he made his lazy trek through the store. Mr. Woodberry only took a minute to start following us around as well. Jay started with a nice long show of flipping through a Hustler magazine which he wasn’t old enough to buy. Of course he made a point of showing “the articles” to me as I waited for him to get a move on. Jay then snagged chips, a pair of candy bars, a bottle of soda and one of those questionable roller hot dogs, taking his sweet time as he went. I grabbed a soda. I was too nervous to even think about getting more. Once he seemed satisfied he’d wasted enough of Woodberry’s time, he took my drink from me and headed for the counter.

Mr. Woodberry, a man whose face was 40% eyebrows and a solid 20% nose hair, scowled at us as Jay put our purchases on the counter. “Empty your pockets,” he growled at us. Neither of us balked at this. This might as well have been how he greeted any customer under the age of 75.


#310

I offer feedback to peeps who offer feedback to those above them - but most people prefer to just post their stuff w/o reading others’. If they do not post feedback, I assume they are not looking for it either, just want to show their progress.

Yup, there are three chars in the snippet, Xi, his mother and Sayewa. They are all named.


#311

I wasn’t calling you out. It had simply been a while since anyone had commented on one another’s work and I thought a reminder would be helpful. :slight_smile:

Anyway, I wanted to clarify Sayewa was a person rather than a weapon. Are the Fae frightened of people in general?


#312

No, the relationships between humans and faery are complicated, humans sometimes fear them, but mostly it is friendly, and faery maintain one of the two belief systems. This is mid-book two, so there is a lot of prior history/lore.


#313

Man, I can feel the MC’s nerves here. They are definitely on edge and it’s CLEAR. Really great job, lot’s of conscious thought that describes the characters, setting, and situation clearly.

Nym nodded a little and looked over at Kirsi, who was curled up in a chair, leaning against her father. Nym could see both of Kirsi’s parents were somber if not a little disturbed by the sight they’d seen, but they were keeping themselves far more collected.

Nym looked away as she heard Kirsi starting to cry again. Curling onto her side, Nym tugged the thin blanket up to her chin again. She wanted to hide under the blanket and not come out for a long time. It was like reliving the nightmare of her brother’s death but on a much larger scale.

Mrs. Brooks rubbed over her back some and Nym sighed a bit, focusing on the motion. It reminded her of her own parents, of the nights when she’d be sick and her mother would sit there all night, holding her and rubbing her back until she fell asleep.

She missed them. She missed all of it. The normality, the day to day life. The good days, even the bad days. The sick days and the healthy days. Those days were gone, though. Life was in a tailspin, the ground getting closer with every second.

Nym bit her lip, feeling tears well up in her eyes. She pressed her face into the pillow and tried not to cry.


#314

omg i loved this, especially the last paragraph with the 40% eyebrows part that had me cracking up lol, and as for my own paragraphs they were actually standing inside having a conversation about the main character’s mother before she had to leave to go get Avocados and butter (an odd combination I know) thanks for responding btw!