peter pan it sounds like, but on another note i love your writing style, over all it flows very smoothly and doesn’t seem to have any grammar problems!
Aw, thank you!
For the first paragraph, on the bold area, I suggest using either a semi-colon or a period.
After a long silence, he turned to face me; I had never realised how tall he was, my head only came up to his chin.
After a long silence, he turned to face me. I had never realised how tall he was; my head only came up to his chin.
Or you could put periods all throughout. Overall, this is a really good paragraph? I like it.
I wanted to say something about this, maybe put a comma between “face” and “it”, but wasn’t sure.
It’s not my best work… I’m pretty self-conscious of it, so feedback on the flow and if there’s anything that should be fixed would be good… Thank you!
A small jolt of pain rushed down her spin. But what caught her attention more than the pain was feeling of his hand’s weight on her shoulder, squeezing almost to assure her. Her shoulders relaxed as she breathed, in and out, bringing his hand down as it fell and rose. Then, he took it off and stuffed it in a jean pocket.
“You seem out of it, miss.” His words came out as thick and sweet as the honey drizzled on their signature desserts; and it warmed her like it warmed the customers who’d eat it. He tapped a finger on his chin, humming as he drifted in thought. But in a second sooner, he stopped, lowering his gaze to meet hers. With a small smile, he said, “After taking a moment of consideration, I think… I’ll accept your proposal. May you lead the way?”
Before she could blink, she had already moved twenty paces from where her podium stood and was still walking, clutching a menu tight. She planted her feet to the ground, forcing them to stay still, but it was almost like an invisible force had pushed her. When she would fight back, it would’ve fought harder, pushing until she had resumed walking. Robotic; like a puppet controlled by the strings of its master, her movements were stiff and rigid. But this was all fine for the gentleman who walked behind her, clasping his hands as he walked with a soft smile.
“Sir?” the hostess had called from ahead, stopping in her tracks. She released a breath that was caught within her throat. In that same moment, she had tried to move her legs… but they were frozen in place. Her heart beat frantically, second by second faster than before.
“Miss,” she heard someone say. A snap had followed afterwards, grabbing her collar to yank her back into reality. When her eyes focused, she had saw one person: the man, who snapped his finger in her face once more.
“Miss, you were saying? I’ve been saying your name for a few minutes now,” he chuckled. It was quiet and too himself, yet quick enough for her ears to overlook.
She balled a fist and brought it to her mouth, clearing her throat with one big cough. “Your name, sir,” she said in a soft whisper. And then, she had spoken louder. “I wanted to ask for your name; it’s mandatory for us to collect them.”
You won’t be here long enough, not for it be of use, he thought to himself. “Donovan,” he said, showing the tip of his canine as he grinned. “My name is Donovan.” The man bowed, his hand gesturing at the table as he watched her long and leisurely strides.
I hope the following feedback doesn’t come off as too criticising. If it does, you can hit me back at full force. My overall opinion is that I think the events in this section flow quite smoothly. Well done.
- Did you mean spine?
- You wrote ‘caught’ her attention. You could also write that she suddenly became ‘aware’ of it.
- I really like how you describe the way he speaks. Really nice.
- ‘But a second sooner’, could also work by removing the ‘but’ and just starting with ‘A’. (This is only my preference and I don’t think it’s such a big deal)
- It would increase your readability if you use ‘would have’ instead of ‘would’ve’. The shortened version could work better in a dialogue
Paragraphs 4,5 and 6:
- The tense confuses me a little here. Above it shows that the hostess had called sometime earlier, and ‘she’ had also tried to move her legs sometime earlier. Please clarify.
- Otherwise, it’s well written and I am getting a good picture of what’s coming next.
- What grabbed her collar? Was it the snap? Was it a force?
- I think everything else in the paragraph is good.
- Okay, here I’m not sure who is talking. Is it the hostess or the girl? If it’s the hostess, you might want to replace the ‘she’ at the start of the sentence with ‘the hostess’
- For the sake of the extra feedback, maybe you could indicate which direction the hostess will be striding. ‘…strides away from them.’ perhaps?
The field was scattered with headstones and benches. An eerie silence filled the air and shadows lurked dangerously close even though the clearing shone with snow. There was still an invading darkness coming from the forest surrounding them. Kai’s nose crinkled as rotting, mottled tree trunks emitted their odour through the air, which swept around the headstones like a restless spirit.
“Oh… it’s a graveyard,” he said monotonously.
Mrs Blueberry was looking for something through the trees. Kai craned his neck, trying to find what she was searching for. In each direction he glanced, the same scene faced him. It was just the same cluster of tall, rotting conifer trees and dark entryways leading to the inner forest. It was a normal graveyard.
“Follow me,” she whispered.
Shuffling through the thick snow behind her, he caught sight of the ring on her finger. It shone and it was not just reflecting the light. It glowed.
“You’re wondering about my ring?” she spoke like she had been listening to his thoughts.
“Um, well… yes. Shouldn’t I be worried it’s about to catch fire?”
“I don’t think that’s going to happen. It is a beacon to guide me to the nearest portal, which happens to be this one. Remember this location.”
Thank you so much. I’ll edit that. This was the conversation between Donovan and the hostess, as the girl had disappeared into thin air. I didn’t know about this part… It rubbed me the wrong way, like there were a few mistakes or I had missed something. So, I appreciate your feedback. Don’t worry, it didn’t come off as too criticising; it was just what I needed.
Considering it was just a small paragraph, I really enjoyed reading that and the way you finished it was perfect and helped set the mood of what your characters are going through. definitely peaked my interest and made me want to keep reading.
“Man fuck this shit.” Aria exclaims, before looking at the speedometer. They’re almost hitting 90. Good enough. Gripping her seatbelt with one hand, Aria reaches over with the other, and grabs onto the steering wheel before yanking it to the right, which at the speed they’re going, immediately causes the car to swivel and rollover into the empty field next to the road.
Closing her eyes, it feels like hours before the car finally stops.
Ripping her seatbelt off, she pushes herself out of the wrecked car, coughing at the fumes and avoiding all the broken glass.
Stepping back and catching her breathe, she doesn’t need to look at the car for long to know that Brian is well beyond the point of no return. Considering the wreck she just caused, she knew from the beginning that he wouldn’t survive it, but she was filled with a sense of relief to confirm it all the same.
I got my characters breaking the fourth wall before a horrifying scene I will be writing later, I am just way excited to start it. I got them on fire as well!
I was walking along the dark tunnel with that girl, every time I shout out for her to show her a skeleton she jumps from the shock. She then shouts at me to tell me that it is so dangerous and blah blah blah.
But to be honest, it was hard for me to walk this dirty place again, flashbacks from that night were burning my head.
“We are now under the stadium,” Cat said pointing to a small hall in the roof of the tunnel. I couldn’t see anything but daylight, and that was enough. am I about to see daylight!
“So… is it safe for us to go out?”
“Out where you fool! We will be killed in an instant! Don’t let me repeat my self.”
“But you said we have to kill at least one of them!”
“You know this joke? It doesn’t even work as this is a book. Whatever, where were we? Yes, we kill-I mean, destroy one if we were discovered, we don’t go to them, that is suicide!”
“Well, I don’t blame you! You don’t know how much it is scary.”
I was about to see that by my own eyes.
She looked at me and her eyes told the stories of her pain… She buried her head into my chest the tears rolling down like a stream of water. The fireflies began to horde around us in a circular motion acting like our stars despite the starless sky. It wasn’t long until she glanced into my eyes and reached in for a kiss. A feeling of fire lighting its way in my core felt… wonderful. Time itself seemed to speed up as it looked like the horde of fireflies were enveloping us with their bright varied colored lights. Gravity itself ceased to exist, we began to float into the sky which darkened quickly the scenery matching the pure image of space. We held hands as we both floated in a circular motion I could see the brightest smile stamp itself onto her face, the flare of the fireflies’ light bringing out the color of her amber eyes. We separated for a brief moment before quickly grabbing each other again the warmth I felt coming from her felt amazing, she squeezed me tight once more. Until ultimately… we kissed again and we held onto each other for the longest until we finally landed on the ground and reality began to snap back into us as the horde of fireflies dispersed.
" Zamir Stenbach stared out of a massive viewport overlooking Patriot One’s primary hangar bay. Down there, crews hustled back and forth, blood and sweat the commodity of the day. and Stenback nodded with a sense of self-assuredness. Up here, in Stenbach’s conference room, he enjoyed relative opulence.
The music playing came from the Old Era, a time two millennia ago. A time where humanity blindly took its first steps into the final frontier and brought with it the best of themselves – its diversity, its strength, its culture. It was this culture that birthed the tune Stenbach listened to – highlighted by rich strings and an angelic chorus. He didn’t know what they called it, only that he liked it. Something about it put him at ease.
As Stenbach closed his eyes to take it in, he relished in the irony that just as humanity brought all of the traits that made it great, it also brought its longest lasting legacy.
Whereas cultures ceased to exist and the many religious faiths simply disappeared, war remained and, with rapid advancements in technology and the evolution of hard-space battle strategies, guaranteed to remain a fixture of humanity’s presence. Those who were able to wage war best all but ensured their future and this is what Stenbach aimed to do.
That’s how long it had been since Zamir Stenbach and his Patriots declared war upon Septem Eslos and the rest of the Antilla System. Conquest of the system was not his goal, not in the least, but as he saw it, Eslos and his weak thinking would only lead Antilla to ruin. His policies, at best described as lazy democracy and at worst described as outright treason, would weaken Antilla’s economic infrastructure and make it ripe for the taking by the Alliance or the Confederation. As Zamir saw it, either of those options were unacceptable.
He tried. Dammit, he tried to do it right. Through the system. But that system failed him. These systems were put in place to protect the people – to guide them and to govern them – and through Zamir’s own experience, found to be corrupt. After all, they were built by people with changing agendas and loyalties and, ultimately, doomed to failure.
It was no wonder that humanity turned to war time and time again.
Zamir was only living up to that legacy. But his goal was noble. To achieve it, however, and maintain a lasting advantage, he needed ships, weapons and materiel. Thus, the reason for their excursion into deep space.
He gazed into the black beyond the hangar bay and found himself staring at his own reflection in the viewport. Without thinking, he grabbed at the love handle bulging over his belt and shook his head.
Zamir Stenbach was a hefty man whose jolly appearance belied a shrewd mind. The white admiral’s uniform that stretched wide to accommodate his husky frame was cut on ancient lines that recalled navies from the Old Era"
Last few paragraphs of ‘Becca’
- “Nay, Rebecca. I am perfectly serious. Tell me what you think of me and then we will be equal.”
“I am very much afraid that you shall not like to hear my speech the way that you say you will.” said Becca, smiling archly up at him. “You see, my list is long and your faults are many.”
“Not as many as yours, I hope.” returned Thomas, equally as playfully.
“Indeed, they are not as many, sir, for yours are triple what mine are.” And Miss Crox smiled at him.
“Cheeky madam!” Prewett cried, but with a tone of fondness in his voice. “Though I see my wit has taught you much. But there is no wonder that you are so insistent that you will never marry, for If you had not been so insistent and had readily welcomed marriage, you should never have got a husband, I am sure!”
But Rebecca patiently shook her head. “Then it is exceedingly fortunate that I do not care for matrimony. You gentlemen should consider yourselves blessed that your poor, sensitive nerves have been saved from my charms. I suspect that it was all Cupid’s doing…”
“Nay, you are impossible!” said Prewett, turning away from her with a sigh. “And do not tease me about Cupid. I do not need such an idiotic imbecile in my life; I have enough of them already.”
Rebecca raised an eyebrow. “And who is included in that figure?” she asked him.
Thomas smirked and looked back at her. “Naturally you, of course. And then there is Arthur Wilkins, Arabella Slohford …And possibly myself.”
The laugh that Miss Crox uttered was a genuine one. “And is William Ibbott not included in your list?”
“Na, I have a very special place for him.” said Prewett bitterly. “I prefer to pretend that he has ceased to exist. Never mind his imbecilic behaviour.”
“Speaking of Ibbott.” said Becca seriously. “Were you not committed to persuading my father about him today? If you are, then we had best prepare ourselves for breakfast.”
Thomas hastily checked his reflection in the nearby window and grimaced. “I will be perfectly committed, Rebecca,” he told her, “if I may borrow a shaving blade prior to my meeting with Mr Crox. I am rather dishevelled.”
“Aha!” cried Becca suddenly, making Prewett jump for the second time that morning. “And so it was you in grounds last night? I thought as much.”
There was a slight mumble of denial on the part of Prewett, while he mentally cursed himself for having brought up his appearance as a topic.
But Rebecca either did not hear him or was not in a mood to pursue the subject, for she took the idea of gardens no further except a slight comment of “I am sure that father shall let you borrow one of his shaving materials.” and then the two of them went quietly into the house.*