peter pan it sounds like, but on another note i love your writing style, over all it flows very smoothly and doesn’t seem to have any grammar problems!
Aw, thank you!
For the first paragraph, on the bold area, I suggest using either a semi-colon or a period.
After a long silence, he turned to face me; I had never realised how tall he was, my head only came up to his chin.
After a long silence, he turned to face me. I had never realised how tall he was; my head only came up to his chin.
Or you could put periods all throughout. Overall, this is a really good paragraph? I like it.
I wanted to say something about this, maybe put a comma between “face” and “it”, but wasn’t sure.
It’s not my best work… I’m pretty self-conscious of it, so feedback on the flow and if there’s anything that should be fixed would be good… Thank you!
A small jolt of pain rushed down her spin. But what caught her attention more than the pain was feeling of his hand’s weight on her shoulder, squeezing almost to assure her. Her shoulders relaxed as she breathed, in and out, bringing his hand down as it fell and rose. Then, he took it off and stuffed it in a jean pocket.
“You seem out of it, miss.” His words came out as thick and sweet as the honey drizzled on their signature desserts; and it warmed her like it warmed the customers who’d eat it. He tapped a finger on his chin, humming as he drifted in thought. But in a second sooner, he stopped, lowering his gaze to meet hers. With a small smile, he said, “After taking a moment of consideration, I think… I’ll accept your proposal. May you lead the way?”
Before she could blink, she had already moved twenty paces from where her podium stood and was still walking, clutching a menu tight. She planted her feet to the ground, forcing them to stay still, but it was almost like an invisible force had pushed her. When she would fight back, it would’ve fought harder, pushing until she had resumed walking. Robotic; like a puppet controlled by the strings of its master, her movements were stiff and rigid. But this was all fine for the gentleman who walked behind her, clasping his hands as he walked with a soft smile.
“Sir?” the hostess had called from ahead, stopping in her tracks. She released a breath that was caught within her throat. In that same moment, she had tried to move her legs… but they were frozen in place. Her heart beat frantically, second by second faster than before.
“Miss,” she heard someone say. A snap had followed afterwards, grabbing her collar to yank her back into reality. When her eyes focused, she had saw one person: the man, who snapped his finger in her face once more.
“Miss, you were saying? I’ve been saying your name for a few minutes now,” he chuckled. It was quiet and too himself, yet quick enough for her ears to overlook.
She balled a fist and brought it to her mouth, clearing her throat with one big cough. “Your name, sir,” she said in a soft whisper. And then, she had spoken louder. “I wanted to ask for your name; it’s mandatory for us to collect them.”
You won’t be here long enough, not for it be of use, he thought to himself. “Donovan,” he said, showing the tip of his canine as he grinned. “My name is Donovan.” The man bowed, his hand gesturing at the table as he watched her long and leisurely strides.
I hope the following feedback doesn’t come off as too criticising. If it does, you can hit me back at full force. My overall opinion is that I think the events in this section flow quite smoothly. Well done.
- Did you mean spine?
- You wrote ‘caught’ her attention. You could also write that she suddenly became ‘aware’ of it.
- I really like how you describe the way he speaks. Really nice.
- ‘But a second sooner’, could also work by removing the ‘but’ and just starting with ‘A’. (This is only my preference and I don’t think it’s such a big deal)
- It would increase your readability if you use ‘would have’ instead of ‘would’ve’. The shortened version could work better in a dialogue
Paragraphs 4,5 and 6:
- The tense confuses me a little here. Above it shows that the hostess had called sometime earlier, and ‘she’ had also tried to move her legs sometime earlier. Please clarify.
- Otherwise, it’s well written and I am getting a good picture of what’s coming next.
- What grabbed her collar? Was it the snap? Was it a force?
- I think everything else in the paragraph is good.
- Okay, here I’m not sure who is talking. Is it the hostess or the girl? If it’s the hostess, you might want to replace the ‘she’ at the start of the sentence with ‘the hostess’
- For the sake of the extra feedback, maybe you could indicate which direction the hostess will be striding. ‘…strides away from them.’ perhaps?
The field was scattered with headstones and benches. An eerie silence filled the air and shadows lurked dangerously close even though the clearing shone with snow. There was still an invading darkness coming from the forest surrounding them. Kai’s nose crinkled as rotting, mottled tree trunks emitted their odour through the air, which swept around the headstones like a restless spirit.
“Oh… it’s a graveyard,” he said monotonously.
Mrs Blueberry was looking for something through the trees. Kai craned his neck, trying to find what she was searching for. In each direction he glanced, the same scene faced him. It was just the same cluster of tall, rotting conifer trees and dark entryways leading to the inner forest. It was a normal graveyard.
“Follow me,” she whispered.
Shuffling through the thick snow behind her, he caught sight of the ring on her finger. It shone and it was not just reflecting the light. It glowed.
“You’re wondering about my ring?” she spoke like she had been listening to his thoughts.
“Um, well… yes. Shouldn’t I be worried it’s about to catch fire?”
“I don’t think that’s going to happen. It is a beacon to guide me to the nearest portal, which happens to be this one. Remember this location.”
Thank you so much. I’ll edit that. This was the conversation between Donovan and the hostess, as the girl had disappeared into thin air. I didn’t know about this part… It rubbed me the wrong way, like there were a few mistakes or I had missed something. So, I appreciate your feedback. Don’t worry, it didn’t come off as too criticising; it was just what I needed.
Considering it was just a small paragraph, I really enjoyed reading that and the way you finished it was perfect and helped set the mood of what your characters are going through. definitely peaked my interest and made me want to keep reading.
“Man fuck this shit.” Aria exclaims, before looking at the speedometer. They’re almost hitting 90. Good enough. Gripping her seatbelt with one hand, Aria reaches over with the other, and grabs onto the steering wheel before yanking it to the right, which at the speed they’re going, immediately causes the car to swivel and rollover into the empty field next to the road.
Closing her eyes, it feels like hours before the car finally stops.
Ripping her seatbelt off, she pushes herself out of the wrecked car, coughing at the fumes and avoiding all the broken glass.
Stepping back and catching her breathe, she doesn’t need to look at the car for long to know that Brian is well beyond the point of no return. Considering the wreck she just caused, she knew from the beginning that he wouldn’t survive it, but she was filled with a sense of relief to confirm it all the same.
I got my characters breaking the fourth wall before a horrifying scene I will be writing later, I am just way excited to start it. I got them on fire as well!
I was walking along the dark tunnel with that girl, every time I shout out for her to show her a skeleton she jumps from the shock. She then shouts at me to tell me that it is so dangerous and blah blah blah.
But to be honest, it was hard for me to walk this dirty place again, flashbacks from that night were burning my head.
“We are now under the stadium,” Cat said pointing to a small hall in the roof of the tunnel. I couldn’t see anything but daylight, and that was enough. am I about to see daylight!
“So… is it safe for us to go out?”
“Out where you fool! We will be killed in an instant! Don’t let me repeat my self.”
“But you said we have to kill at least one of them!”
“You know this joke? It doesn’t even work as this is a book. Whatever, where were we? Yes, we kill-I mean, destroy one if we were discovered, we don’t go to them, that is suicide!”
“Well, I don’t blame you! You don’t know how much it is scary.”
I was about to see that by my own eyes.
She looked at me and her eyes told the stories of her pain… She buried her head into my chest the tears rolling down like a stream of water. The fireflies began to horde around us in a circular motion acting like our stars despite the starless sky. It wasn’t long until she glanced into my eyes and reached in for a kiss. A feeling of fire lighting its way in my core felt… wonderful. Time itself seemed to speed up as it looked like the horde of fireflies were enveloping us with their bright varied colored lights. Gravity itself ceased to exist, we began to float into the sky which darkened quickly the scenery matching the pure image of space. We held hands as we both floated in a circular motion I could see the brightest smile stamp itself onto her face, the flare of the fireflies’ light bringing out the color of her amber eyes. We separated for a brief moment before quickly grabbing each other again the warmth I felt coming from her felt amazing, she squeezed me tight once more. Until ultimately… we kissed again and we held onto each other for the longest until we finally landed on the ground and reality began to snap back into us as the horde of fireflies dispersed.
" Zamir Stenbach stared out of a massive viewport overlooking Patriot One’s primary hangar bay. Down there, crews hustled back and forth, blood and sweat the commodity of the day. and Stenback nodded with a sense of self-assuredness. Up here, in Stenbach’s conference room, he enjoyed relative opulence.
The music playing came from the Old Era, a time two millennia ago. A time where humanity blindly took its first steps into the final frontier and brought with it the best of themselves – its diversity, its strength, its culture. It was this culture that birthed the tune Stenbach listened to – highlighted by rich strings and an angelic chorus. He didn’t know what they called it, only that he liked it. Something about it put him at ease.
As Stenbach closed his eyes to take it in, he relished in the irony that just as humanity brought all of the traits that made it great, it also brought its longest lasting legacy.
Whereas cultures ceased to exist and the many religious faiths simply disappeared, war remained and, with rapid advancements in technology and the evolution of hard-space battle strategies, guaranteed to remain a fixture of humanity’s presence. Those who were able to wage war best all but ensured their future and this is what Stenbach aimed to do.
That’s how long it had been since Zamir Stenbach and his Patriots declared war upon Septem Eslos and the rest of the Antilla System. Conquest of the system was not his goal, not in the least, but as he saw it, Eslos and his weak thinking would only lead Antilla to ruin. His policies, at best described as lazy democracy and at worst described as outright treason, would weaken Antilla’s economic infrastructure and make it ripe for the taking by the Alliance or the Confederation. As Zamir saw it, either of those options were unacceptable.
He tried. Dammit, he tried to do it right. Through the system. But that system failed him. These systems were put in place to protect the people – to guide them and to govern them – and through Zamir’s own experience, found to be corrupt. After all, they were built by people with changing agendas and loyalties and, ultimately, doomed to failure.
It was no wonder that humanity turned to war time and time again.
Zamir was only living up to that legacy. But his goal was noble. To achieve it, however, and maintain a lasting advantage, he needed ships, weapons and materiel. Thus, the reason for their excursion into deep space.
He gazed into the black beyond the hangar bay and found himself staring at his own reflection in the viewport. Without thinking, he grabbed at the love handle bulging over his belt and shook his head.
Zamir Stenbach was a hefty man whose jolly appearance belied a shrewd mind. The white admiral’s uniform that stretched wide to accommodate his husky frame was cut on ancient lines that recalled navies from the Old Era"
Last few paragraphs of ‘Becca’
- “Nay, Rebecca. I am perfectly serious. Tell me what you think of me and then we will be equal.”
“I am very much afraid that you shall not like to hear my speech the way that you say you will.” said Becca, smiling archly up at him. “You see, my list is long and your faults are many.”
“Not as many as yours, I hope.” returned Thomas, equally as playfully.
“Indeed, they are not as many, sir, for yours are triple what mine are.” And Miss Crox smiled at him.
“Cheeky madam!” Prewett cried, but with a tone of fondness in his voice. “Though I see my wit has taught you much. But there is no wonder that you are so insistent that you will never marry, for If you had not been so insistent and had readily welcomed marriage, you should never have got a husband, I am sure!”
But Rebecca patiently shook her head. “Then it is exceedingly fortunate that I do not care for matrimony. You gentlemen should consider yourselves blessed that your poor, sensitive nerves have been saved from my charms. I suspect that it was all Cupid’s doing…”
“Nay, you are impossible!” said Prewett, turning away from her with a sigh. “And do not tease me about Cupid. I do not need such an idiotic imbecile in my life; I have enough of them already.”
Rebecca raised an eyebrow. “And who is included in that figure?” she asked him.
Thomas smirked and looked back at her. “Naturally you, of course. And then there is Arthur Wilkins, Arabella Slohford …And possibly myself.”
The laugh that Miss Crox uttered was a genuine one. “And is William Ibbott not included in your list?”
“Na, I have a very special place for him.” said Prewett bitterly. “I prefer to pretend that he has ceased to exist. Never mind his imbecilic behaviour.”
“Speaking of Ibbott.” said Becca seriously. “Were you not committed to persuading my father about him today? If you are, then we had best prepare ourselves for breakfast.”
Thomas hastily checked his reflection in the nearby window and grimaced. “I will be perfectly committed, Rebecca,” he told her, “if I may borrow a shaving blade prior to my meeting with Mr Crox. I am rather dishevelled.”
“Aha!” cried Becca suddenly, making Prewett jump for the second time that morning. “And so it was you in grounds last night? I thought as much.”
There was a slight mumble of denial on the part of Prewett, while he mentally cursed himself for having brought up his appearance as a topic.
But Rebecca either did not hear him or was not in a mood to pursue the subject, for she took the idea of gardens no further except a slight comment of “I am sure that father shall let you borrow one of his shaving materials.” and then the two of them went quietly into the house.*
Her feet were bound to the ground. Moving was impossible she found out as she tried to. Sparks were igniting around her and soon flames formed around her feet, licking at her legs and spreading in the darkness. Instead of being scared, Azura started to smile and knelt down to touch the flames with her hand.
“Welcome back. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’ve missed you.”
The flames erupted around her and a small fiery vortex started to form 3 meters away from her. As the vortex started to grown, Azura smiled even wider and slowly got up. She could feel the flames, the intense heat grow as the vortex became twice the size she was. The wings broke free first, the tail with flaming feathers followed and two big talons tore through the vortex breaking the wall of fire and leaving the Phoenix by itself. It was flying, slowly clapping the wings and looked down upon her Azura closed her eyes, feeling the power flow through her as the Phoenix emerged. She arched her back and straightened her arms back as if they were wings, imitating the posture of the bird in front of her. The fire rose up her legs twisted around her stomach and crawled up to her chest before it enveloped her completely. She was breathing fire, she became fire. Her arms became wings her mouth a beak and her eyes had turned a deep shining red.
Pretty cool, but I would spell ‘three’ instead of putting a number there.
In a complete reverse of his earlier paralysis, restless energy buoyed Xi up. Maybe the herbal remedy had a stimulating effect, because his skin prickled with the sensation of tiny needles, and the big happy smile would not go away. Hopeful, yes, that’s what it was, Minh made him feel hopeful. Ridiculously so, given the circumstances, but he loved it.
While the cause of his elation sloshed and gurgled more water, Xi focused on the air temperature trying to increase the differential, increasing the speed of the breeze down the valley. It picked up steadily—
“Slow down, wizard, or we’ll capsize.”
He nodded, experimenting with the heat and cold until Minh approved of his efforts in the same way he responded to nearly everything: by grinning. “Who knew making wind was your special talent.”
Xi threw his head back and laughed, like it was the funniest thing he had ever heard.
Hey! I would maybe break up your second sentence a bit as its quite long. Maybe something like:
“Maybe the herbal remedy had a stimulating effect. It must have since Xi began to feel his skin prickle with the sensation of tiny needles. It felt good. The happy smile plastered across his face would not leave him.”
Additionally, you might want to break up the first sentence of the second paragraph as the clauses are quite long. Finally, I think swapping “everything: by grinning.” with “everything - with a grin.” Might read better? Hope this helps! Here’s my paragraphs.
From, A Blank Screen
No matter the hour, weather, or day of the year – Saint Laurent was always busy. It was the most beautiful street in Montreal. Not only because of its aesthetics, with its garlands of lights that bloomed down the avenue all year round, or its magnificent street art, but because it brought people together. Love, ideas, businesses, friendships, all had equally been formed and broken on this street. There was an undying buzz to the place that reverberated on forever. From high end coffee shops for businessmen, to dimly lit nightclubs for students to lose their virginity – Saint Laurent welcomed all.
Bifteck adopted Saint Laurent’s philosophy whole heartedly as on any evening one could find art students sharing a pitcher with workers from the docks. There was an anonymity to the place where anyone could be who they wanted to be and not what they were. Isiah had been here before. Ellie and her friends had insisted they go during their induction week. It had been pleasant, and Ellie still boasted to this day that she could drink a pint faster than any of her friends – including Isiah.
The place hadn’t changed much. In fact, at all. The manager was one of those guys who prided himself on the fact his establishment had a bohemian feng shui to it. Others would call it a dilapidated wreck. The manager drank as much, if not more than his customers - both on and off shift. With disgruntled moan, the barman poured Isiah a beer.
Your paragraphs are well written and of good length. Punctuation seems good. I do see a run on in the first paragraph though.
We interrupt this broadcast with urgent news. The number of killings has risen and it seems Warsaw is being terrorized by a serial killer who has been dubbed ‘the Warsaw Ripper’. Police say this man targets young women and men between the ages of 20 to 30. Each person killed has done something illegal. or they’ve caused an accident. Background checks reveal the head of each victim to be a convict or unconvicted criminal. He is known to be religious or superstitious, placing pennies on the eyes of his victims and leaving a star of David drawn in blood on the floor. It is advised to stay home and lock all doors and windows at night. We will keep you updated. This is Marlyn Bosko, signing off.
The news report was quite ironic. Krystian realized this as he sharpened the knife, the young woman lying on his bed, unmoving but alive. His apartment was fairly dingy and old and he genuinely needed to find a new one but the rent in Warsaw was high and he didn’t have an income. The girl’s name was Mariza Pirelli. She seemed to have come to Poland for education, choosing the University of Warsaw as her place of study. He admired her decision; leaving her home…her family. It’s a shame that she’ll never see it again.
She seemed rested, peaceful, and unaware. She was unaware. She didn’t even know she wasn’t in her bed anymore. Humans are the most fickle thing and sometimes Krystian hated that he was one. Krystian sighed, approaching the girl. He knew it tended to be better if the victim was upset but his blood-lust was an impatient demon that plagued his very being. At this rate he was going to get caught.
I heard some quiet muttering among the small crackling of the nearby helicopter fire, and I walked over to investigate. It wasn’t difficult to find the bloody dirt trail leading to a soldier missing one of his feet. He held a small radio in his hand, and was practically crying into it with desperation. His focus turned to see me walking towards him, and he dropped the phone to the ground as he reached for a holstered pistol.
Unfortunately for him, I got there first. I kicked the firearm out of his grasp and pressed one of my feet into his wrists as it bent in the wrong direction. I bent down and picked up the radio which was still connected to a slightly choppy voice.
" Private Larson, do you copy? Private Larson, are you still there? "
“Alright then. Whoever this is, you better listen very closely because I am going to say this once, and only once. My name is Madilyn Hughes, and you are going to leave me the fuck alone, or else every soldier that comes after me will be sent home in a bucket.”
" You have directly attacked the full scale of the US military. If you refuse to turn yourself in, then you will-"
I pressed down with all of my weight onto the wrist of the poor soldier beneath me, and the loud crunching of bone along with the piercing screams cut off the voice coming through the radio.
“I don’t care what the hell you people think. If you send soldiers after me, then every single one of them is going to die, and you won’t be able to recognize the body.”
" You are giving a direct threat to the governmen-"
“I am not threatening the government. I am making a promise. Fuck off.”
I bent the folding radio in the opposite direction and heard the call go silent as it snapped in half. I tossed the pieces aside, and looked down to the soldier who was clutching at my leg weakly.
“You better hope they come for you.”
From chapter 41 of The Legend of the Moonflower Princess:
Shen rolled his eyes at her enthusiasm, but he nonetheless scampered up Sahara’s arm to sit on her shoulder. “Don’t leave us behind, Blue.”
Sahara chuckled as Blue shot back a retort, but the bluebird did hover in mid-air in order for them to catch up. Sahara started down the stairs, taking caution to watch where she stepped; there was, after all, no railing to help with the rather steep descent. Blue flew ahead as Sahara followed her, leading the way to town. Shen started chattering about all Sahara had missed, filling her in on what had happened after she had fallen unconscious. Sahara listened intently; she, of course, wanted to know in more detail what had transpired. She was so preoccupied with the conversation that she completely missed the red-robed figure as she passed by.
Hidden by the thick trunk of two nearly entwined trees, Yasahiro watched her reach the bottom of the stairs and start down one of the many smaller roads, heading towards the southern part of Blossom River. The mystic crossed their arms, tapping their foot in an unusually impatient manner. Even a mystic could worry, and Yasahiro was no exception.
They hoped the Brotherhood would grant her an audience. Otherwise, everything might just go up in horrid flames.
Ooh, wonderful! Wonderful, I love it! I don’t have anything to say, really, except for one comma missing here:
before the ‘but’.
Here’s mine. I’m not sure if the bolded part is worded right:
They wheeled his chair into a treatment room, painted stark white. It looked just like a doctor’s office, with a sink and cabinet in one corner, and the padded table in the middle of the floor. Matt didn’t have any time to think, to even prepare for what came next. They laid him on the examination table, on his stomach. Dr. Foster moved aside the gown, exposing his lower back and hips. The distinct smell of antiseptic filled his nose as they cleaned his skin with betadine.
“We should be able to determine whether or not viral cells are present with a bone marrow exam,” Dr. Foster said, and Matt’s hands clutched the sheet underneath him. Bone marrow…where had he heard that before?
Oh yeah. Dr. Witherspoon had mentioned he would have this test done at his next appointment. Matt had secretly hoped he would forget. He didn’t know exactly what the test involved, but it sounded horrible. When he glimpsed the needle in Dr. Foster’s hand, his stomach churned. It looked a foot long. He tensed up, realizing they weren’t going to use any anesthetic.
“Okay, Isaac,” I say, kneeling in front of him. “We’re going to run to the garage, okay. Just run straight for the car.”
His bottom lip quivers. “But what about the people? They’ll eat us!”
"No, no, no."I tug on his shirt. “Look at me buddy. Do you trust me?”
“I’m gonna keep us safe. I promise. You run for the car, super fast like always, and I’ll be right behind you, looking out for us. I just need you to be brave. Can you be brave for me, Zoom?”
He wipes the tears from his cheeks and nods.
I open the door, and we sprint towards the garage door.
I send up a prayer to God, and when we safely reach the car without any detection, I send up my thanks.
We scramble into the car, shutting our doors.
“Good running, Zoom. Real good.”
He nods, giving me a small smile.
“Now, put your seatbelt on, and try not to look out the windows, okay?”
The big, garage door slides up when I press the button, and I’m pulling out as quickly and cautiously as I can.
After driving for about fifteen minutes, Isaac says, “Aris, where are we going?”
I don’t know. I really have no clue. Is anywhere safe?
“How do you know it’s safe?”
I look into the rearview mirror and smile back at him.
Smart, little kid.
“I just do, buddy.”
I figure getting out of town is our best bet. Less people means less of those dead people, and hopefully that means Isaac and I will have a better chance at surviving.
I’m scared we’ll run into one, and I’ll have to kill it.
The news people said there was no other option sometimes. They said the people are gone anyway, already dead. It’s just they’re bodies up and moving around.
Through town, Isaac kept his head down, refusing to look out the window, but he’s as curious as he is scared. I don’t know how to handle this exactly. Should I expose him to the destruction of civilization to prepare him, or hide him from it to protect him?
We drive along the highway outside of town for a while, and then I take the first backroad that I see. The road twists through bright, green trees that are tall and covered in moss.
We have nowhere to go, but maybe if I drive deep enough into the woods, it won’t matter.
Hours later, the car is parked deep inside the woods.
“We’re staying here?” Isaac asks.
“Yes. Just like camping, and you love camping.”
He chews on his lip and shrugs his small shoulders. “Yeah, I guess.”
“We’re safe out here too, Isaac.” I put as much confidence into my voice as I can. “The trees and animals are protecting us. The trees are hiding us all the way out here, and the animals are fighting of all the bad people.” I hand him a water bottle. “Have a drink.”
He screws off the cap, and takes a sip before asking, “Aris, do you think I’m a baby?”
I shake my head. “What are you talking about, Zoom? Why would I think you’re a baby? You’re one of the bravest people I know.”
“Well. I’m scared all the time, and you’re never scared. Not ever.”
“Buddy, listen.” He curls under the cover, and I tuck him in. “It’s okay to be scared. You just can’t let fear control you. You have to say, ‘Fear! I am stronger than you!’ And earlier, running out to the car the way you did, that’s exactly what makes you so brave. Because, even though you were scared, you did it.”
“How long do we have to stay here, Aris?”
“I don’t know, buddy, but however long, I’m going to keep us safe. Now try to get some sleep, okay?”
He curls into the back seat and closes his eyes.
I turn back towards the front and stare out the windshield into the darkness.
When I know that he is asleep, I give power to the fear inside of me, and I cry like I have never cried before because I have no idea how to keep us safe.
Not really big paragraphs…