Love the mystery these lines give to the piece, especially the dialogue.
“I didn’t waste a minute, searching my jacket” - that feels off. WHy not: I didn’t waste a minutes before searching my jacket pocket…’
Then the end of that, with the blade. How is it throbbing? Is it jostling against her hip? Throbbing just an odd act for in an inanimate object–unless it is alive and can throb.
I think your dialogue is too wordy. People rarely talk in full sentences, and you do repeat some things, like ‘at least’ and ‘well’
Like: 'We got our proof."
‘Janie Mara… why does that sound so familiar?’
‘He ordered the model B-2s!’
"We would’ve figured it out without your obscure knowledge, anyway.’
“Guys, as much as I love your banter,” said Tanta, "we need more info…’
Basically just trimming it so it sounds more natural.
From Acorn:
Her hardened stance of wide feet, squared shoulders, melted away at my show of submission. “Look, it’s just, you know, hybrids. We don’t mess with them. Come on. We’re gonna be late to PE.”
“PE?”
She grabbed my wrist and ushered me to the football field where I spotted a gathering of kids.
“We need to change. Mr. Ford will have us run extra laps for being late.” She began to run, ratcheting my arms from my shoulder. “Let’s go!” She booked it for the nearby locker rooms when I didn’t match her speed. I came to petering stop as she disappeared behind the door.
Rule number two: follow the crowd. Go after her.
The physical implications of that command made me wince, but I followed in her footsteps, anyway.
This looks fun. Something supernatural seems to be afoot, but PE class is far more pressing! The only things I would change is ditching the comma after “shoulders” in the first line and add an “a” before “petering”.
This is from a chapter I am far from posting in my trilogy:
His body sang with delight and he wanted to cry out Yes, of course, but the words that gurgled up from his throat and skittered from his tongue were not words at all. The gentle press of her thumb on his lips soothed his confusion; he did not need to speak if she did not ask it. Her hand slid down to cup his neck and delight swept any lingering regret at his ineptitude when he felt how his pulse nudged the tips of her thumb and forefinger. Tears of gratitude stung his eyes with every beat of his heart as hers to claim, every breath belonging to her as it left his parted lips. It was all he had left to give and it was enough.
“The burden of self is too heavy to bear alone,” her quiet voice filled him until all he could do was listen. The room, the doctor watching them without ever directly looking at them, the smoldering glee from the demon on the other side of the glass, it all fell away in the distance as her voice wrapped around his mind like a soft blanket, warm and so very tight. “To live without the burden of a listless self is to be gifted with clear purpose. I am with you to bear your load and lead you to meaning.”
The comforting weight on his neck pressed down and his head swam with a tingling lightness. Of course, he wanted to shout. Of course he was her will. The nothing fogged up around him, thick and heavy, blotting out the light. What a beautiful purpose to be given.
Which sentence sounds better?
“I wish I could say the same about you, but you don’t care about me unless my world revolves around you,” Rose growled, quickly tiring of Allie’s bullshit.
Or,
“I wish I could say the same about you, but unless my world revolves around you, you don’t care about me at all,” Rose growled, quickly tiring of Allie’s bullshit.
Thr last one is more emotional, and show better how Rose feels about it.
This is my latest, badly written.
I push to a run and start down the headway, zig-zagging between meeting people. My name gets called a few times, like a sort of echo following me down the street. I don’t reply, my heart is beating too fast and I try to keep the phase up. As I fall into it steady, the houses start to fly by. I pass the school, the Hall, the mall and the five-floor buildings used for stationary work. As the road opens into a plain field of about 50 meters, I see the silhouette of my destination, a fence. Behind it, the wall is like a towering chalk mountain, reflecting the sunlight sharp onto my face. I squint as I come up.
“My biological mother fled North Korea during the eighties, she was only a child back then and was able to cross the border illegally without being caught. She was on her own, homeless and undocumented. She managed to find a job at a restaurant and they had given her a place where she could sleep in exchange for her work.” There was a pause. Like she wanted to deliver this without falling apart.
“But when she got pregnant with me twenty years later, they thought that she’d become a lot to deal with so they reported her to the authorities. Of course, she was sent to prison and I was sent to an orphanage. A few years later, against all the odds, my parents adopted me. They gave me a shot at life, Arden.” She cleared her throat “Yeah I know. It feels straight out of a Hollywood movie.” She laughed.
“Hello! earth to Arden!” she waved at me pulling me out of my train of thoughts
“I’m sure you’ll get in Yun. You’re literally the only person I know who decided to put up with advanced biology AND math without losing their mind. Any college would be happy to have you…because they don’t know about the attitude” I said while ruffling her hair, which she didn’t seem too happy about.
“Look who we have here. My two favorite students” Olga spoke with her thick voice which was accentuated by her Russian accent. I turned around to take her all in. As usual, she held Manouchka in her left arm and smoked out of her cigarette holder. She thought that it made her look edgy. Olga didn’t have to speak to be heard.
“We’ve missed you down here Arden Rose” she uttered exhaling smoke. I guess you could say that Olga was an artist who didn’t quite make it so she decided to take over her father’s paint shop and start teaching instead.
“I’ve missed you too.” I muttered, “But you know, I’ve been busy”.
Just when she was going to say something, the door opened making the bell ring and a group of young people flooded through the hallway and into the room. They brought chatter, laughter and their toolkits with them.
Here comes the fanfiction writer!! lol I haven’t edited this yet but here’s the most recent paragraph I’ve written:
Loki shrugs nonchalantly “What do you want me to say?”
Tony lets his gaze roam to the city skyline where the morning sun twinkles across glass and casts angular shadows between the streets. “I love you.”
Loki’s expression twists into a wicked sneer “But I thought you wanted me to stop lying?” He asks innocently. Tony blinks in shock and snaps his gaze back to the man in front of him, staring into his merciless forest green eyes hopelessly. “I simply could not say that for it would be I lie.” He explains coldly.
Tony nods sharply, taking a step back and trying to keep his head up. Although he’s definitely in denial with the fact that Loki was telling the truth he still struggles to hold back tears because honestly how could he have expected someone to actually love him? Loki was right; he was a fool. “Okay.” Tony states, his voice small and defeated. “I believe you.”
How does this sound? Wondering if I broke up the paragraphs well enough:
“That’s not true! If you would just listen to me for once, you’d see that I’m trying to save you from those people!” Allie yelled. She fell silent then, and only the sound of heavy breathing filled the void between them.
“I don’t need saving…goodbye, Allison,” Rose hissed, and disconnected the call. She stuffed her phone into the pocket of her jeans, grabbed her purse, and ran out of the apartment, wanting nothing more than to escape from the outside forces reeking havoc on her life. Kocoum, Allie, the madness at work…she needed a break from it all. The night sky was pitch black, and raindrops pounded the sidewalk as she emerged from the building.
Rose jumped into her car and drove off, toward the one person she knew would understand.
Very chilling. It tells me a lot about your MC without telling me too much, like an ice cream sample for a new and exciting flavor. It makes me want more.
The spelling you want is “wreaking” for “wreaking havoc”. I like the tension and the emotion captured and the little insight into the story it offers me.
Thank you! Ah, I knew wreaking was the word I was looking for, but the autocorrect in google docs kept changing it.
Red, flashing lights filled the room and a loud buzzing sound made everyone pause. February Twenty-Nine looked up from the crude meal that no one seemed eager to interrupt. A zipping noise came from above and September Nine looked up to see five thick cables fall from the ceiling. In a flash of movement, the smallest boy in the room, May Eleven, sprang from his hiding place and ran to grab the cord. His body was covered in the blood of April Four but his hands were dry, which allowed him to grip the rope and climb. September Nine grabbed his own cord and started climbing. He was relieved to see that June Four caught on and was climbing a third cord.
March Twelve coughed up a thick green mucus as he struggled to move. He grabbed for one of the cords and July Eighteen picked him up, tossing him aside. March Twelve landed on one of the bodies and started to writhe and sob as July Eighteen started climbing.
May Eleven had a head start. As he got closer to the top, the ceiling hissed and parted, making a high scratching noise that caused the children to wince. A shout from below drew Septermber Nine’s attention as he watched February Twenty-Nine struggling to climb. July Eighteen lost his grip on the cord and fell before grabbing it again. He cried out in pain and had to take a breath before climbing again, grimacing each time he moved his hand.
From Insomnia
Nia closed her eyes again, the light momentarily blinding her and causing her head to hurt worse. She dragged the blanket over her head and rubbed her temples before feeling a warm furry body squirm up beside her.
Creed tried to lick her face through the blanket and Nia tugged it down some to push him away. “No, Creed,” she moaned.
He licked her hand instead and settled down.
Nia just curled up tighter, vaguely remembering the events that had gotten her to the couch. They were a bit of a blur but she did remember she’d gone with Eziz to Finley’s and figured that whatever she’d ordered had been a lot stronger than what she normally drank.
Sitting up and pulling the blanket over her shoulders, Nia found she was still fully dressed in her attire from the night before, shoes and all. She rubbed her temples to combat the raging pain in her skull and sighed a little.
“Morning.”
Nia almost jumped, and settled back down some when she saw the speaker.
Eziz sat off to the left, having just gotten up a few minutes before her. He smiled some and continued to lace up his boots.
“What are you doing here?” Nia asked quietly.
