What was the last few paragraphs you wrote?


#110

I just want to say I really like your excerpt. :slight_smile:


#111

“You’re going to be the death of me one day!” Azura refused to look at Lucas and looked out over the valley where they had been before. In some places, the snow had started to melt revealing the ground underneath. If you looked really close, some trees and plants had already started forming new buds further proving winter was on its return.

“You’ll be fine. I think I have you figured out enough to know how far I can push you.” He offered her a sandwich.

They were sitting on a fallen tree. He had almost literally had to drag her out here but was glad she had not gone into a state she had been in last time she had a breakdown. She had recovered quite swiftly after the meeting with Dr. Jensen. At first, she had refused to speak to them both but realized it was of no use to stay angry. Lucas and Dr. Jensen were not to blame for this situation, they had merely tried to help and find some answers. That did not mean she was not ticked off at Lucas. The way he had proven his theory was not one she could approve off, because it meant triggering her in a bad way.

“I’ll be fine? How can you be so sure? Apparently, I already died once and you might just be the cause I’ll die a second time if you keep this up. Or I might kill you sooner because you make it really difficult for me not too at times.” She played with her sandwich, keeping her gaze on the bread or on the horizon.


#112

Celebrity Fanfiction. Imagine that.


#113

Your scene is very intense, I like it!


#114

It’s not fanfiction. It’s dark political satire. The “Prince”, and heir to the British throne is 70 years-old. He cannot claim his birthright until his mother kicks the bucket. Grandparents may claim to love their grandkids but how many Millennials are subconsciously wishing bad things would happen to their grandparents. Euthanasia is good for the economy.


#115

I :heart: You!


#116

I wiped her tears away and carried her to her room bridal style. Her amber eyes, spoke of embers after the destruction of a horrendous fire. She was beat up frail, felt like she was devastated. She wasn’t the usual cheerful sunshine personality I met. It was just unbearable to watch her struggle to walk… I tucked her into bed and plugged the wires back onto her. I turned the lights out before walking out.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you…” she kept repeating over.

“Hey, everything’s going to be fine trust me.” I placed my hand on her head.

“Oliver… thank you for being here… life was just a cycle of uncertain faith. I made up my mind I want to go to the human world with you.” she cried.

“One day.” I promised her as she turned and slowly drifted to sleep.


#117

Sorry, but it’s definitely fanfiction, satirical or not. You’ve taken real people and woven a fictional story around them, which is the essence of all celeb fanfics. Celebrity Fanfiction is a synonym of Real Person Fiction. Real person fiction or real people fiction (RPF) is a genre of writing similar to books / movie / TV fan fiction, but featuring celebrities or other real people. Queen Elizabeth and Charles are real people.

And whether you realize it or not, you could be sued for defamation of character, if either Queen Elizabeth or Prince Charles chose to do so. Which means what you did there might just be illegal.


#118

I love the imagery you use when comparing the character’s amber eyes to embers! Plus, it provides a solid bit of context for what happened prior to this scene.

I am a bit confused about why the text states “It was just unbearable to watch her struggle to walk…” when its clear that she’s being carried. If the sentence is explaining that the MC carried her because it was unbearable to watch her walk, I’d suggest clarifying this. You could try placing this sentence right after the first one (to tie the “unbearable to watch” idea closer to the “carried bridal style” idea) and replace “was” with “had been” (“had been” will put the sentence tense in past perfect, which will automatically imply that the MC had these thoughts before carrying her).

Idk if I’m making any sense, but other than that, I’d say you’ve got a solid scene :slight_smile:


#119

Ok, so I’ve been experimenting a bit with fragment sentences because I want to give this scene a bit of a frantic, fractured sort of feeling. Anybody want to add their two cents on this?

Triss gave up on the radio. She clamped her hands over her mask to muffle the sound and turned. Behind her stood a woman. An angry woman with an angry blade. She backhanded Triss’s jaw with its pommel, sending her to the ground, but not before Triss got a good look at her in the headlamp’s light. Wild black hair, streaked with russet dye and bound up in copper wire. Tinted copper goggles. A sleeveless long tunic that moved like liquid silver. Tattoos. Jagged black lines and dots that outlined her face like a skull and zipped up and down her bare arms.

Triss groaned from where she lay. Pane lanced through her jaw, and then she felt the cold tip of the woman’s blade press against her neck. The hairs on the back of her neck prickled.


#120

Alright, first of all.

*Pain, and never use ‘and then’. There is always an alternative to that particular combination of words.

Triss groaned from where she lay(,) pain lanced through her jaw(.) (S)he felt the cold tip of the woman’s blade press against her neck.

Your first paragraph is great for what you’re trying to accomplish, your second paragraph just suffers from a few extraneous details. Readers already know Triss is on the ground, and a word like ‘lanced’ already implies that the pain is a ‘through’ type of pain.


#121

No, I can’t be sued. Satire pretty much gets a pass on everything. According to your definition SNL and Spitting Image would be labelled as Fan-Fiction.


#122

Interesting. I like your word choice. I don’t know if I got a frantic feel, but I did get a definitive image. Spot on imagery.


#123

I’ve reached the end of my long trilogy. This section is near the end. I thought of posting a section of the last chapter, but it just wouldn’t make sense out of context and is narratively out of the box. This is more mainstream.

“Rina,” he says with outstretched arms. Leaving the suitcase at the entrance, I run to him like he is the sole source of oxygen left on this planet. In other instances when two lovers see each other after a long time apart, time would slow down or a pair of knees would buckle. In the past, I would feel like lightning while he was thunder. I would’ve felt the emptiness in my stomach fill. Nicholas’s hands would flex at his side. Now with us, I feel like I no longer have a body.

I am in his arms before I know it, breathing him in. My Irish Spring.

He’s not cool to the touch. He’s not feverish, nor am I. We are the same.

“Rina,” he repeats. All I hear is his voice. I feel nearly numb. Maybe I am in shock; it’s hard to tell. His arms wrap tightly around me, and he kisses the top of my head. “You’re the only one,” he says into my hair.


#124

This honestly is so heart warming, although a little brushing up on the sentence structuring could make it read easier. The descriptions are so beautiful and refreshing!


#125

An excerpt from 3S, Heart 9 | The Monster:


Susan’s eyes were wide and terrified as she let go of May and instructed everyone to leave, which they did after exchanging annoyed and confused looks, spare May who left as soon as she was free from Susan’s hold. When everyone was gone, Susan played the video. Once it was over, she was horrified.

“How did you get this?” She asked in a low voice. “Why do you have it? Why is this with you ? Why is it still only with you ?”

My lips maintained their merry curve. “Let’s keep a low profile, Susan. You’ve been testing my patience, and I am afraid I’ll be running out of that soon.”

She chuckled dryly. “No wonder you could hang out with Leanna. This,” she said, pointing to her phone screen, “is the reason. You are the real thing. Wow, hell, you are not a Saint. You are a devil – not that I’m complaining. As long as you keep this a secret, I will not touch anyone.”

“Of course,” I replied. Only one person discovering that I am a Monster won’t hurt, will it?


#126

thanks for the correction!


#127

Here’s mine:


Once in the shower she couldn’t help but to close her eyes and picture him looking down at her once more. The hot water felt soothing as it rained freely over her body, but she knew it wasn’t the warmth she craved. She pushed the daydreams back in her mind and opened her eyes, refocusing on the world around her.

She made quick work of the rest of her shower, wanting to wash her bedding before heading out for the night with her friends. It was a routine that she became accustomed to as they always stayed out until the late morning hours these days. It was common for her to swap her days and nights, preferring to lose herself in the clubs than to go live a boring life like the rest of the day walkers.

Due to her choices and months of sleeping through the sunlight, Rowyn’s skin was now as pale as paper, which was a huge contrast to the deep red hair that spilled over her shoulders and down her back. The deep and extreme differences where something that she had grown to love and played up at any chance she got. Her makeup was often dark and smoky around her eyes, while her lips were left natural.

To her it was exhilarating to draw the crowd’s attention night after night. Men, women, and everyone in between were drawn to her unearthly beauty, which she used to her advantage often.


… Kind of makes her sound like a vampire, but I swear she’s not lol. Well yet anyways, who knows what her future holds for her? :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:


#128

Considering that the BBC axed David Baddiel’s show for making jokes about Her Majesty’s sex life, I wouldn’t be so sure.

SNLand Spitting Image are visual. Fanfiction is written. You can wiggle all you like, but calling it satire doesn’t make it not fanfiction. Some fanfiction is also parody. My point - get off the high horse.


#129

I remember when SNL began. It was somewhat irreverent, but usually humorous. Nowadays, it’s more crass and spiteful than anything. The vast majority of what’s called ‘satire’ is an excuse to spout vitriol and make crude and nasty remarks under the cover of ‘protected speech.’ Just cruise the Trump hate ‘satire’ on Wattpad.

Satire is based in the use of real people or situations as inspiration and these are manipulated to make a satirical point. One could easily argue that, since the situations / caricatures are ‘borrowed’ from actual life that there is a lack of ‘real’ creativity involved - but we all know that’s bunk, right? :smile_cat:

I have no use for 95% of ‘satire’ - but that doesn’t mean I get to tell people that it’s junk writing and they’re aren’t ‘real’ writers if they write it.