Sentence structuring? How do you mean?
I think you skipped posting your opinion about my excerpt.
As in when you combined the past tense and present tense. I read it a few times before I could separate between them.
Oh the conditional use. Okay.
You are right, I did not include it. I really don’t have much constructively for you, I mostly just find myself wanting to know more (and I find myself maybe not in the best mind space right now lol).
All I really have right now for you is in your first paragraph “as soon as she free from” I can’t help but wonder if maybe that was intended to say ‘as soon as she freed’ or ‘was freed’.
Either way I did enjoy it and am curious to know what happened both before and after this excerpt of yours
Maybe you could consider trying out ‘contrast’ or ‘sharp contrast’ vs ‘deep and extreme differences’ in the last paragraph. Otherwise, your paragraphs read smoothly and dreamily to me. It does have some mundane details, but without knowing the genre/purpose of the scene it is hard for me to see if it is necessary.
The courtyard filled up with yellow leaves,” she started. Xi looked into her eyes to see the reflections of the raiders bursting out of the night; his mother dashing to save him, but stopped by a rough hand; his father casting the one and only spell in his life to protect him; and the fire that devoured their shared past.
“They said Weynala sent them, and that she wanted Yu…” she swept off a tear from the end of her eyelashes.
“Yu? Why Yu?” He wondered aloud, wrapping his mother in a hug.
She stroked his cheek, “This is not something you need to know, baby.”
Mourning under the tree brought them closer than they had ever been. At length, Xi told her about his journey with Sayewa to the Celestial Realm. Her thoughtful fingers through his hair, straightening out tangles only she could find. “Be wary of faeries, Xi. The Celestials created them to love the human race, but they also made them charismatic to us. I saw Sayewa talk a desperate robber into falling on his own sword, while smiling that serene smile of hers.”
His lips stretched into a serene smile of his own, “Oh, mama…” He gently pushed her hand out of his hair. Good thing he did not tell her about kissing the faery, and how the attraction he felt had faded once she was out of his sight. This was not something his mother needed to know.
Thanks for the feedback! I think I definitely have a ways to go to get to where I wan’t to be, so anyone that can help me see something outside of my view is greatly appreciated! You da bomb! Lol
Thanks for your feedback, I didn’t notice the typo before!
Thanks for the feedback! Also - eep! How did I miss the pane/pain typo??
Thanks! Hmm…maybe “frantic” wasn’t the best way to describe what I’m going for. The situation is supposed to be confusing/unexpected/unbalancing/frightening for my MC, so I’m hoping to get that across without really stating it outright. It’ll take a few edits, but hopefully its on its way there
After like a month and a lot of medical unhappiness, I finally restarted! Yay woo hooray. Here is the latest stuff from Bearheart, hot off the Google Doc!
Silence resounded in the clearing, broken only by a pop from the fire. White-hair pulled out a set of what looked like metal gloves with claws. Whatever fire of hope still lived in Brynjolf’s eyes was leaving, flowing toward the ground like the blood from his wounds. The game was over, the target ready to receive the final blow.
Fury as intense as the waves of the Northern Seas raged in my belly, urging me toward White-hair. Brynjolf’s life was spilling out of him with each second, and soon would be robbed from him entirely; this was no time for humanity. The bear took over, pulling my lips back to expose my canines, raising my fur strip until it strained uncomfortably against my shirt.
Walls of darkness closed in around White-hair, and I began to run out of the trees.
Although the numbness of my left arm decreased my dexterity, knowing that the collision would not cause immediate pain increased my willingness to use the limb as a battering ram. I angled my left side towards White-hair and sprinted headlong into him.
The air whistled out of his lungs as he and I crashed against the ground. His white braids fell out of their bun, and his head cracked against the stones dotting the riverbank. The glassy look in his eyes told me that my run had had its desired effect. White-hair was immobilized, for however brief a time. I whipped my head up and caught the eyes of the other bandits, frenzy overtaking my features, painting me as the beast Doran thought I was.
From yesterday and this morning, these are my last four paragraphs:
And then I heard the words in my head: I do. Suddenly I saw myself in springtime, standing outside under a wooden arch covered in green trellis and rustling leaves. My heart hammered inside my chest, which had been ribbed into a white cascade of satin – the same dress every marrying girl would wear. I do, I’d have to tell a stranger.
Blinking, I came back to myself. Astrid was shaking her head, bantering with Molly, but now it all seemed so unimportant. A shaky breath slipped over my lips into the warm air. It now felt stifling. “Shall we go up?” I asked, and my voice still held that edge of shakiness, that hint of a tremble – a quiver.
Molly’s eyes narrowed, but she nodded. Astrid gave the dough one last pinch before washing her hands again and leading the way up a short set of stairs. I imagined the carpeting must feel smooth beneath Molly’s feet, but she probably took the sensations for granted. They all did.
I almost gasped when I reached Molly’s room. Everything, down to the Spartan accommodations and colouring, matched my own dormitory.
It seems interesting. I think “The courtyard filled up with yellow leaves” sounds a little awkward - maybe how about “The courtyard was dusted with yellow leaves?” Or simply “The courtyard was full of yellow leaves?”
I love the connection between Xi and his mother! And about kissing the faery - wow, intrigued!
Thank you, I am still trying to find the non-passive voice/not to be verb for that one, as one of my goals is to avoid them whenever possible. Maybe, ‘cloacked the courtyard’/‘carpeted the courtyard’ or ‘gilded’ I dunno.
@DomiSotto I have the same problem! I’ve been told several times to avoid passive voice, too…
Well, it got me interested in your story…
Norse inspired stuff is awesome.
“My grandfather told legends of a man who could bend shadows to his will.” Protector began. “He could move through them in a blink, wrap them around himself so tightly that no light could find him. It was said that he could cover entire battlefields in darkness; legend, speculation, stories and tall tales. Scál Avishord he was called, Demon of Shadows. I have heard that name whispered now. I wonder if you will be as powerful.”
“I hope so. I would relish the looks on their faces as a demon emerges from the shadows to destroy everything they hold dear.”
“You certainly carry the darkness of the shadows.” Protector Kalen shook his head. “I almost hesitate to teach you. Scál Avishord was not seen as a hero of the legend, but one to be defeated. I have heard of your adventures, Ezra. You have a way to make people dislike you but still care for you enough to do anything to help you. The Tribe heals you, even though they say they would see you dead, the Queen adores you. The settlements fear the Shadow Demon but praise Ezra the Hunter.”
You have a tiny typo in Ezra’s line, it probably should be ‘when’ demon emerges… nice tale, and Ezra sounds a bit like an antihero in the making
Jiang said nothing, only hugged himself tighter.
Now he elected to keep secrets! Anger broiled inside Xi, demanding an outlet other than meditation. He thrust a shaking finger at the pigtails quivering among the shorn bowlcuts in the shelter of the tent’s corner, “How could you teach? You never learn your own lessons! Wasn’t ruining Zijun’s life enough that you poison other girls’s minds with reading?”
“Now, now,” Jiang murmured, “Zijun has elegant men of Sutao by her feet, instead of milking cattle with a peasant husband. It is not all—-“
“Is that what you reckon? That she is happier singing the courtesan’s poems? Have you talked to her?” Heat flared up in his cheeks. Xi gulped a breath of air sour with the smells of too many people living too closely together, and turned his back on Jiang. If he did not reign it in soon, he’d be keening next to Canary.
One foot in front of another, he started walking away from madness, until words hit him between the hunched shoulder blades.
“Have you talked to her, my boy?”
Xi froze in his tracks, straightened his shoulders against the old poet’s insight, but it was no use. Zijun’s unopened letters swam up before his soul-eyes. I will see her first thing once I am back in Sutao, he promised himself.
thanks for pointing that out! I would like to read more on yours so I can better understand what is going on. It looks very interesting!