Would you read on? Game (Based on the first paragraph)


#1

This is a rather simple game, but it is an effective way of getting feedback on your opening paragraph.

Before posting anything please read the rules!

Rules:
Before posting the first paragraph of your book you need to say what you think of the one above you. Then and only then, can you post your own and wait until the next person comes along and reviews yours.

Please be nice to other users, no arguments here. If someone doesn’t like your first paragraph perhaps ask them how you could improve it (unless they have already said how).

Treat others views with respect.


#2

I’d respond to the story above mine, but sadly I’m first. So, I’ll just post the first paragraph of my story, After the End.

The masked man lined the crosshairs of his crossbow over the heart of Ashton Shaw, the captain of the Third Company of the Mormon Kingdom of Deseret, in hope that his bolt would be strong enough to penetrate the thick, boiled lamellar that the Mormon horsemen were known for. With one deep breath, he accounted for distance, drop, and wind, then waited for the perfect moment, following every rule he’d been trained.


#3

9/10. I would read on for definite. It seems like my kind of book. I like how you immediately draw in the reader with “The masked man line the crosshairs of his crossbow…” it just straight away brings you into the action. I really like the little details you put in throughout the paragraph, it really made it easy to imagine what was going on. One thing I will point out is the ending line “following every rule he’d been trained.” just feels incomplete to me. I personally would have written, “every rule he had ever been taught.” Or something along those lines, just because the word trained just doesn’t feel quite like the right word to use.

Here is the first paragraph of my book ‘Aneurin’:

He was unearthly and eerily beautiful, with silver hair and grey, calculating eyes. Eyes that were icy and distant, darkness swirling in their depths. His skin was comparable to that of a Porcelain Doll. His aura feral and untamed, the very essence of him deadly and powerful. He was a Fae; a dark creature that led children away into the depths of the forest, never to be seen again. Children like Enid.


#4

7/10

Don’t shoot me, but I’m not feeling it. I love the description, but what really got me was the last two sentences. They were powerful, and if I had read those sooner rather than later, I’d be a lot more interested. Everything before that was felt a little. Especially with the eyes part - icy and distant, darkness etc -, since you had just ended with ‘eyes’ and the next sentence feels kind of odd. If it was shortened to just the first sentence with a little tinge of the third, and then BAM, you end on a strong note, I think it will be a lot more powerful.

From my book, Once Upon a Dream

Being kidnapped had always been Eli’s childhood dream, but the reality of it was somewhat different to how he had imagined it. Maybe the heroic tales of how brave knights fought valiantly to retrieve abducted royals or the stories of how courageous princes fought their assailants had scrambled his brains.


#5

I won’t don’t worry haha. Seven is actually my lucky number. Yeah, I get what you mean. Thank you for taking the time to suggest improvements, it is what helps me to get better as a writer.


#6

Not really something I’d read, I mean who dreams of being kidnapped. But then again, it’s only the first paragraph. Maybe if someone read further and understand more, it might capture their attention.

Sitting at the diner table with my family, I notice my sister, Maja, looking at me intensely. I look up and lock eyes with her for a moment. She has a question mark written all over her face, and a light frown between her eyebrows. I break eye contact with her, looking at my parents. They are enjoying their meal in silence, unaware of the sudden awkwardness. “What?” I finally ask Maja, looking back at her again.


#7

I’d give it a shot. I have 3 brothers, and I know if any of them were staring at me like that I would probably respond the same. It’s leaving me wondering why that would be happening.

I awake hearing a beeping something. A bad sort of beeping. One that follows one’s heartbeat. Panicking, I try to figure out where I could possibly be. Dark cloth covers my eyes. Going to remove it, I find that my wrists are tied down, my feet are tied down too. What the hell is going on?


#8

7/10 You start off with a mystery, which is great. But your style and sentence structure are in the way. Try diversifying your sentence structure and using terms that are bolder.

This is the first paragrah from my sequel:

He is so beautiful. My God, he is beautiful.

“Happy birthday, Nick,” I say, my voice falsely cheerful. I smile, my eyes burning from the forthcoming tears. And like always, ever since the first day we met, Nicholas feels me. The connection is here, just as it always was, even when Diana came back into the picture late last year.


#9

I feel like this is generally enticing, but since it’s out of my genre I don’t personally feel any pull to it. But I won’t let personal feelings decide things for me—though the paragraph could use some condensing in general (such as the adverbs), it’s definitely a hook (unless you’re diving straight into romance—that isn’t all that great in the first chapter considering the lack of reader attachment to the characters). 8/10.

They weren't tired at sunset; the shelling on the streets kept them awake. It had been two days since Saleh fled Dar Saad, and now the boy rejected the notion of playing cards, staring at a blackened window with a listless gaze. They couldn't leave the window transparent; they would shoot. The men with guns. Enemy or friend.

ALL ENDS WITH BLACK [#1 R-A] | 01 | PLAY THE NIGHT


#10

This is a sequel so the readers generally would be attached to these two at this point. I do see my adverb problem and I’ve remedied it. Thank you for pointing that out. :slightly_smiling_face:


#11

Definitely an interesting opening, however, the structure of it could use some work. I understand you’re probably going for a dramatic effect but it just had me looking back over the paragraph to see if I missed anything. 8/10 suspenseful but confusing.


Excerpt from The Fairytale Assassin

The lesser-known, wicked witch of the forest watched from her house as two men fought in the shrubbery in front of her home. It was an odd sight to say the least, as the usual guests she got were either lost children or witch hunters. Neither of which these men looked competent enough to be.


#12

(It’s never the first paragraph’s job to contextualise—the first paragraph only needs to provide the hook. Contextualisation is the task for the second and third paragraphs).

@rhythmchyc Ah. Rite. I forgot it was a sequel. :thinking:


#13

Not so bad. This sounds quite interesting and unique :smiley: I “kinda” repeated twice where the fight is taking a place, you may reword it a bit, like => “in the shrubbery, smashing her favorite berries and tearing their paints against thorns.”

Rating: 8.5/10


Book: The Crossing Destinies (Open Sonic the Hedgehog FF) - Prologue

The darkness… the silent hunter, hiding everything and everyone, yet they shined so brightly at the same time. Just one sound and all was clear, all was visible, and all should be revealed.


#14

It’s interesting, but I think it’ll be more attractive if there was more than this as it’s certainly leading up to something. 8/10

A Silent Storm:

By the time the sentry had risen to face the figure in the doorway, he had accepted his end. Unremarkable. Hopeless. Inevitable. Once upon a time, as a younger Warden, he may had envisioned a more glorious end, but now he knew death comes no matter what.


#15

Thank you for your opinion, I have shorter paragraphs for better reading on mobile :slight_smile:


#16

I wouldn’t mind looking at the next few paragraphs if you send it over.


#17

It reads quite strange. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, though, and it’s interesting enough that I’d love to know what happens next, who these people are, what the context is. I’ll give it 7/10


Here’s mine:

Ekko had never seen the sun. She’d been born into a world of eternal darkness- an Oblivion, her family had called it, when they were still alive. They’d taught her that only the strongest of them would survive, and she’d taught herself that there was no one stronger than she.


#18

Alright :slight_smile: Here are three of them :wink:


The darkness… the silent hunter, hiding everything and everyone, yet they shined so brightly at the same time. Just one sound and all was clear, all was visible, and all should be revealed.

If anyone listened carefully, they might find the truth within. Avoiding it, approaching it… Were these the only choices one could make? After all, every person shaped their own destiny, right? However, even the deepest blackness couldn’t hide anyone from their true fate.

Fate had from time to time, a strange sense of humor. The more one wanted to avoid it, the more they were dragged down the path that was set for them. It didn’t matter if it was a road nobody wanted to set their foot on, somebody still had to walk on it.


#19

Ekko seems interesting. I can already guess her character flaw. She sounds like she might be a badass with a hash life. 9/10

From, knights of Lore.

It was as if time had come to a stand still as the two young men drifted in the icy cold vacuum of space.

The planet Lore was massive as it floated through space. It was beautiful; blue, green, white, beige all coming together, giving the image of a painted canvas. The blackness surrounding the planet just added to the magnificent sight.


#20

This doesn’t sound like something that I would personally read, but it does kind of make me want to learn more about what the story plot is and what is happening.

I’d say 6/10

From my newest book Insubmissive:
“The number of deaths among farm animals has skyrocketed in this past week alone. What started as a controlled issue for a small town in southern California at the beginning of the month, has since spread across the United States, claiming the lives of thousands of land mammals such as cattle and sheep.”