Would you read on? Game (Based on the first paragraph)


#21

Okay, yeah. I like the philosophical kind of tone here even tho some people might find it boring.


#22

This chapter is the only one with this “strange style” :smiley: It was kind of an experiment. I’m glad you found it a bit interesting :wink:


#23

7/10 Interesting start. I love how it sounds like something you would read out of a newspaper.

From Endeavor Project 2
It has been two weeks since the fall of New Haven. And so far, I’ve done nothing. Two weeks ago, I swore that I would bring justice for my friends and family. As well as everyone who died in that city. However, despite my adamant promise, nothing has changed. Region is still out there parading their false story about a chemical plant explosion. And the world still believes them. I’ve done everything I could think of to get information. To get some proof of their crimes. But nothing has fell into my hands. Not even a tidbit of information. So, because of this, I have to take matters into my own hands. In the town that I’m staying in, there’s a Region Incorporated building. If I can sneak in there and find some data, then I can show the world that Region is lying! But doing this though… I could get caught and charged with a slew of crimes. I could even be put in prison. But that’s a risk I’ll have to take. I have to show the world Region is lying! Even if it means breaking a few laws in the process. So, I go. My feet quiet and my mind focused on the task before me. I enter the building, not knowing what fate will have in store.


#24

7/10
You’ve got me curious :thinking: I like how it gives out just a little bit - but a very important bit - of the characteristic of the protagonist - brave and determined. However, I feel like it’s a little bit cumbersome in the storytelling tone.

Here’s the first paragraph from my book, ‘Need A Ride’:

“Wait for me,” I cry out as I run on an empty stony ground, chasing after somebody not so far from me.
It’s a girl.
The distance between me and her is visually delusional. She doesn’t seem to move at all, but as I run closer, she appears farther. I keep running and running, gasping for air and soaking in sweat. Finally, the girl stops to stand in a blur at the edge of the cliff, calling my name. The voice echoes, fading and familiar. It’s Charlotte. I don’t have a solid idea of why I’m chasing after her but I find myself running non-stop at the top of my speed to reach her, regardless of being worn out. As I come close, I reach out my arms but she suddenly disappears. I lose my balance and fall off the cliff, screaming.


#25

I probably wouldn’t read on because I’m not personally a fan of stories that begin with a dream sequence. Also the excerpt could use trimming because there are lot of filler words.

For example, you could trim out things like “cry out” by using an !, “me and her” can become “us” and those types of edits can help it flow better.

So for example…

“Wait for me!” I run along empty, stony ground, chasing somebody. A girl. The distance between us is visually delusional. She’s not too far away and doesn’t appear to move at all, but as I run closer, she seems further away.

Opening of “Hard Core”

For somebody who grew up with at least half of the people surrounding me in the bar, I couldn’t have felt more out of place if I tried. The night before Thanksgiving always brought back all the neighborhood college kids, sporting their roll-neck sweaters and JCrew rugby shirts. This holiday also seemed to lure everyone else out too. Anybody that had relocated but was in the old hood visiting family for the weekend, congregated on barstools, as surely as they would on pews at the parish churches on Sunday morning.


#26

Thank you so so much for your detailed review. I was a bit skeptical about having a dream as the opening but I thought I would play an important part in highlighting the characters’ relationship as the story goes on. All the same, I appreciate your opinion. Means a lot :blush:


#27

I find that sentence confusing and a little iffy. What does it mean? So the person feels out of place because he/she/they knows half the people in the bar? Or is the person is used to having half the people in the bar being people he/she/they knows and now it’s not like that?

I also find this one confusing and a bit too much. I feel it’s a little unnecessary or you could separate the info. The line before is very short and suddenly there’s this beast of a sentence and it’s a little jarring.

Overall, it’s pretty detailed and that’s nice in its own way. There are no big problems, just a little unclear. You are still a very good wordsmith.


Eistell: Tales of an Ice Mage

I blinked at the dust kicked up in front of my eyes. The rider didn’t even bother yelling an apology as he rode past, knowing that it wouldn’t be heard. There were too many people shouting out prices and advertising their merchandise to even hear yourself think at the market. I’m sure that was a strategy in itself, making it so people couldn’t think and just bought. I would’ve thought it was clever if my brain wasn’t so fried.


#28

@Amyuqi It’s a very good hook! It makes me curious to the setting and time-frame of the story, as well as the identity of the protagonist.

Peace Maker, a short story.

I step out of the remains of my shattered ship, shaking the dust from my coat and looking at the stunning scenery. The sheer amount of green is amazing, I’ve never even dreamed of seeing this much green!


#29

Thank you!


#30

I love the first sentence. I’m hooked. Then, the second sentence… I’m annoyed. Green, it could be the sea, it could be grass, houses, trees, or anything in between. Maybe say “I’ve never seen so much grass”. Or, “tree’s so full of life”. I would be much more apt to read on.

The Siren’s Secret

“He’s so gorgeous.” My cousin sighs heavily, as she finished braiding my hair.

I roll my eyes, staring out the car window.

The streets are filled with clean and rude children, gluttonous humans, and filth ridden air. Nothing like my home.


#31

Thank you for the advice! I hope you don’t mind me asking, does saying ‘The sheer amount of plush grass astounds me. I’ve never dreamed of seeing so much in one area!’ sound better?


#32

Yes! It shows the character is definitely out of his/her element, after coming off the boat.


#33

It’s a spacecraft, actually. I’ll be sure to edit the story so that’s clearer.
And thank you again, I really appreciate the help!


#34

I think I’d probably read on. I got the sense that this 1st chapter is probably about cousins parked somewhere people watching and I’d be curious to see exactly what they’re going to discuss. I really like your sentence describing the streets.

Remember Savannah
Life is a highway. This was the song playing louder than it needed to be on the radio. Savannah was always one who liked to listen to music as loud as she could.


#35

I might. Savannah sounds like she was a fun person, and I like the idea of it, I just think it’s wording could be cleaned up a little more. Like… “Life is a Highway blared from the speakers of my [insert year/vehicle type]. Savannah was one who always enjoyed listening to music at a volume as high as the speakers would allow.”

The title really helps, because it makes me interested in knowing what happened to her.

This is Me
It was 7:30 Tuesday morning. I was tired. The snow was practically piled up to the windows of my apartment, but we still had school that day. Our university almost never cancelled their classes. It was sad, because I didn’t sleep well the night before and so I could’ve really used a day off. But alas, I piled my books into my backpack and headed out the door.


#36

I would give it a try even if it doesn’t say much. For me it portraits a part of life that I never got to have, and never will. So I find it captivating.
Also I like the title. Simple and straight.

Dark tears
I decided to write my story when I found myself sitting in that hospital bed, unable to move, just with my thoughts, captive in my bandaged head. When I first open my eyes that morning I was scared for the first time since I was theirs. I’ve been scared before, but this time was totally different. I realized that because I was never felt so terrified. I was not aware of my condition.


#37

Ohh intriguing! It was slow at first but then you added some mysteriousness that will lead the reader to want to go to the second paragraph to know what happens. The title also shows some darkness will come along the way so it’s a great start.

I’m A Badass Deal With It
Sun began to rise, warm wind surrounded me as the beautiful hues came to my view, and I sighed, taking in the beauty that was in front of me, feeling warmth showered me as the sun gently rise. My phone vibrated next to me, alarming me it was time to go. I got off of the sand, shoved my phone into my pocket and took the usual route back home.


#38

Very descriptive and beautiful, though there are quite a few typos in it. I don’t really think I’d keep reading, the title throws me off and the beginning doesn’t really hook me.

The Eternity Calibur

“I could sense that the end of the fight was coming, and I waited for an opening. Clash after clash, until finally I saw my opportunity to end him. I rolled behind him, jumping to my feet and slashing the Master Sword across his back…”


#39

Not very visually descriptive, but I can feel the action and the tension, and I love when stories start in the middle of the action so I am more than willing to overlook that I can’t quite picture the scene. I’m immediately curious about this “Master Sword,” as well as why these two are fighting. I would definitely keep reading!

The Hazkarion Cycle

As dawn breaks over the Court of Avalon, a spy finds a perch high in the trees just outside the city. She had carefully chosen her spot, ensuring that she was close enough to see into the heart of Court and that she is too high to be spotted by any casual observers. She watches as Fae of all sorts begin to move through Court about their routines; willowy women in dresses designed to look like delicate, colorful flowers waltz to and fro, while equally lofty men —some in glistening armor and others in imposing white and gold robes— march towards the palace at the center of Court. As of yet, the metropolis remains quiet.


#40

7/10 While not a bad opening, it doesn’t hook me. The wording seems somewhat flowery, which might work for the story, but isn’t my preferred reading choice.
I’m guessing some sort of hell is about to break lose do to the last line.


Descent into Madness

Completely oblivious to the movement behind her, a woman carefully added two chemicals together in a test tube while humming an upbeat pop song.