Would you read on? Game (Based on the first paragraph)


#41

5/10 I would read on, considering I’m curious about what’s going on, but I’d like to see a bit more going on. Movement is vague, is something pushing glasses around? Making a mess? I think this is a case where I’d like to see a bit more than that to make a more accurate judgement. Depending on what happens next could take it from a 5/10 to a solid 10/10

Dolijute

White ceiling. Inoffensive lighting. Soft bed. Warm blanket. A constant thumping from somewhere.

Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump .

The noise was driving Hadley mad, but she couldn’t do anything about it. She still hadn’t been able to move since waking up to that noise. It pounded in tune with her headache, traveling through a neural network of brain vessels to deliver payloads of white hot pain. Who or whatever was doing it, Hadley decided already that she hated them.


#42

7/10 I don’t know if I’m interested, but I also don’t mind reading it further to find out what’s going on. Overall, I think it has a good start and great potential judging from your writing.

The Devil’s Inferno (in process of editing)

Dressed in a white cloak covered in blood, a woman came to a stop at the edge of a cliff. Her warm palm held loosely to a young boy’s hand. Frightened as he was, the woman had no concern except what is to come. Dropping one knee, she reached for the child’s rosy cheek for the last time as she whispered, “Forgive me child. I should have never been your mother.” Her palm aimed at the child’s chest and with a strong force, she pushed him off the rocky mountains.

“I gave you what you wanted. It’s time you returned the favor.”


#43

9/10 Truth be told this paragraph alone had me sitting on the edge of my seat in curiosity. I love stories that start off with dramatic events, like a mother pushing her son off a cliff face (I am a little mad at said mother right now but oh well). You are off to a really good start; you would have hooked a lot of readers in with that first paragraph!

The Alphas’ Executive

Blockquote: I was naturally a really bubbly person. To the point, that business meetings are normally a hassle. No, they weren’t hard or anything. In fact, I absolutely loved business meetings.
The issue was simply the fact that I had an issue keeping a straight face. I was honestly like an open book. If I was pissed, you knew it. If I was happy, you knew it. If I was sad, you knew it.
If I thought someone was being stupid, more like absolutely idiotic, when they came to me saying that they couldn’t fix a perfectly easy problem, you knew it. No, I didn’t tell them they were stupid or a pain in my ass. I simply laughed at them.
Now laughing at someone is not that bad, well it is to an extent, however, laughing at someone who happens to be the very guy that sets up your entire schedule and makes sure you don’t lose your head on a daily basis, that was an issue.


#44

6/10 I guess your punctuation and vocabulary is quite good but I’m kind of not a fan of this genre in general so I guess I may be being a little biased. I think it kind of doesn’t get to the point very well and there’s a lot of fluff there.

Atropos: Without a Trace
There was once over 4,000 cities in the world. Now there was only one.
His eyes flickered open as the slithers of light fell through his lashes. The drone had flown right past his window but it was still too risky to keep the blinds open. With difficulty, he crossed the short length of his apartment and drew them to a close, but not before peering through the dust-stained glass at the street below. Earth’s last city was a sight to behold in all its materialistic glory; electronic billboards hung overhead, impossible to miss from his window. Plastic surgery, artificial intelligence, bionic limbs and even anti-aging therapy – the majority not even available or affordable on Earth. Sometimes it felt like the city was completely intent on convincing its inhabitants to leave, self-aware of its inevitable doom.


#45

I find it very interesting and it gives a scientific vibe. I wonder if the novel you are writing is a scifi book or an end of civilization kind of story like Maze runner or something. (Maze runner is my favorite movie!) 10/10

In Order to Rule:

I waved my hand to summon the next couple to stand in front of me. The couple walked up to me carrying a bassinet. She wore a long red gown and her long golden locks flowed down her back. Her husband was right next to her in his black pants, long brown shirt and heavy armor covering his chest. He was one of the fighters under Lord Peter’s army. All the couples who welcomed in baby girls had to bring them to the town center no matter what part of the village they were from. The four powerful Lords all gathered together to see if any of the townspeople have given birth to their soulmate. It was a rather depressing affair if you ask me. Almost 98% of the time, none of them are. They brought their daughter forward, I touched the child’s palm and then shooed them away.


#46

This is really good but I feel as though some of your wording can be changed to flow more smoothly like this:

"I waved my hand to summon the next couple to stand in front of me. A man and woman stepped forward carrying a bamboo bassinet. The woman had long golden locks that flowed down her back, over a velvet red gown (you used long twice). Her husband, right next to her, wore heavy armor over his chest and looked extremely concerned yet hopeful at the same time. He was one of the fighters under Lord Peter’s army.

For decades, it was law all couples from far and near who welcomed in baby girl into their lives had to bring the child to the four powerful Lords to see if their soulmate had been born. It was a rather depressing affair, almost 98% of the time, no child had been a match. The couple brought their daughter forward and I leaned forward to touch the child’s palm. Nothing. I shooed them away."

Terranovus

I live in a world where there is no grass. No playgrounds, park or playing fields. I sometimes see weeds growing through cracks on unkempt roads but I’ve only ever seen grass on screen. It looks really green, quite soft and short. I wonder if it would tickle my feet if I walked on it barefoot. Hundreds of years ago population rates spiralled out of control. Villages turned into towns and towns turned into suburbs. These suburbs grew and merged with other suburbs until the entire country turned into one great bigass city.


#47

9/10
Wow, great hook! It kind of reminds me of the opening of A Tale of Two Cities, so maybe that’s where you’re drawing your inspiration? Your grammar and diction are both great, and you paint an image of a dystopian, post-apocalyptic, or far future Earth.

Trial 017:

This close to the heart of the Netherworld, nothing was visible. The ever-raging dust storms grew more powerful the deeper you went, and the roaming predators only got larger and larger. If your eyes could somehow pierce the heavy dust clouds and look up to the sky above, all you would see was pitch-black darkness. No sun, no moon, no stars.


#48

Is it ok if I use this in another website called Quotev


#49

9/10 This seems interesting and right into the story :slight_smile: The Netherworld sounds like a scary place! I don’t see anything wrong with the grammar. Maybe using ; before No sun.


Silver Darkness

Silver the Hedgehog was levitating, surrounded by a light-blue aura, above a desert which had already swallowed half of the city seen on the horizon. He looked at his glove where the Genesis portal radar was.


#50

I actually kinda love this. It has got me so confused but that helps in making me want to read on. Also just the idea of a hedgehog wearing gloves makes me very happy.

I don’t have a name for this yet so yeah sorry

As I stand among the vibrant purples, blues and greens I hear the song of a sparrow and smile. A rustle is heard from the bush beside me, but I do not jump. I know it is just a rabbit, playing in the greenery and enjoying life. I start my walk up my favourite hill and look out over the forests as I climb higher and higher, my breath shortening into gasps but I do not stop, because when I reach the top I will witness the wonders of a beautiful world and I know I will be happy.


#51

Thank you, I’m glad you liked this a bit :smiley:


#52

God, I love your writing style. I read it out loud and it sounded like the beginning of an epic adventure. Or maybe some really tragic story? Actually at this point it can be almost everything. Which makes me as a reader wonder what could happen. Especially because now I wonder, what will be on the top? A great view? Someone special? With just a little thinking it gives you many questions in your head you start to want some answers for your questions. So I’d say, it’s a really good beginning.

(I am a German writer, so please forgive me for mistakes I did in translation)
I don’t have a name for it too, so I must apologize

«A Brother?»,
asked Miss ???. I can’t remember her name. She didn’t look amused.
«Hm… Maybe we should choose someone else?»,
said Mister Nolan. I stepped into the room and closed the door.
«Oh, here he is!»,
said Miss Wayne. She was our tutor. A nice person and always cheery. As I went in, she clapped in her hands once, stood up and went towards me. She looked in my eyes when she told me:
«Alright Warren, this is Mister Nolan and Misses ???, they are thinking to adopt you.»
I cast a glance at this young couple and so did they at me. Back then I was 7 years old. Normally younger children were adopted so I didn’t believe they would take me. But to be honest, I really hoped they wouldn’t. Because of him.


#53

7/10. It’s an intriguing beginning, but I’m not really hooked. A lot of the sentences are really blunt, and I prefer a bit of description of the world around them before suddenly bringing in the plot, but that’s probably just me.

Novel title : Idyll

The world came back to Dyllan slowly - in bits and pieces.

First, it was noise. Someone was crying nearby loudly, choking on air as someone else spoke quiet reassurances that he could barely hear. Others were muttering close to him, some more vocal than others.

“What the hell happened?” A guy asked - He’s in my calculus class. Why can’t I remember his name?


#54

7/10 would read. I love when stories jump into the action and things are a little confusing in the beginning. For me, though, it makes me weary to read anything that mentions school in the beginning, especially when it seems like a crisis has happened. You mention a guy in a calculus class, which makes me think about a school shooting or bombing.

Title: The Black Craft

I don’t remember the smell of my room or what color the walls were painted, but I do remember the dark. I remember waking up, alert and wide-eyed, to the sound of a woman screaming in the middle of the night. It was so shrill that it felt like pins were piercing my eardrum. I folded back the covers and placed my tiny bare feet on the cold wood floor. Winter was always so unforgiving to my naked skin. I quietly ran to my door and slowly pulled it open, revealing the soft light that floated up from downstairs. The woman was talking now. No, not the woman. My mother. My mother was talking, pleading. I don’t recall exactly what she said but I’m sure it was along the lines of please don’t and don’t do this and I love you .


#55

9.5/10 would read. That sounds interesting.There some sort of suspense that hook me at the start of the paragraph.

Title: Broken love

As I lay on the bed, I thought of you. I reminisced about our sweet life together. We had a lot of fun loving each other. I could not have asked for a better man in my life. Our short and sweet moments meant everything to me. I know that you will be mad. I understand that you will be sad. You will blame yourself for something you could not control. It was not your fault. I had a choice. I had options. In the end, all of that didn’t matter. I chose death over you.


#56

Its a good paragraph but 1st person turns me off. 7/10.

Aoki huffs, “you need friends Aokigahara.” He mocks Sora’s dad. “Drive Sora to school Aokigahara.” He huffs. He wasn’t being very polite and that earned a whack upon the head. “We’re at the Igarashi’s dinner table.” his father hisses. “Behave.”

“Behave Aokigahara. I’ll send you back to military school Aokigahara.”

“Aokigahara Chapmin-Yamamoto you stop that right now.” His mother orders.

“Oh shit-”

“Now apologize to Sora.”

“I’m sorry you can’t take a joke Sora.”

“Aokigahara.” His mother warns

“Fine I’m sorry for being a bully.” he sneers.


#57

6/10 there’s nothing to build up to this situation and is all just dialogue. If I’m not immersed into your story before any dialogue then it’s hard for me to keep track of what’s going on. It’s like walking through the front door of your house and strangers are arguing the moment you enter.

Elliot sat on an abandoned barrel in an alleyway. He had to be patient. It was the first thing Elliot had to teach himself when he decided to make his living through thievery. Though, the stench of waste left by the homeless grew unbearable. He rubbed his fingers together to pass the time. In his head, he checked off his list. Cloudy day, check. Hoodie, check. Gloves and face mask? Check. The boy needed to take care, even during opaque days, the risk of direct sunlight touching his skin was still a variable.


#58

Interesting! I’m assuming he’s a vampire. I’m not really into vampire stories, but the paragraph left a good impression and some curiosity to read more. I’d give it a try. 8/10

Fast, irregularly recurrent flashes. Mad, colored, fleeing lights. Absent rhythm, contrasting environment. Sweat breaks on my face, caressing the skin all the way to my neck. I’m drowning in sound. It fills me, possesses me, fucks me. I’m clueless how to breath, yet my lungs fill themselves without any aid. Exhaustion screams, yet I’m deaf. Thrashing. Shouting. The more my body’s drained, the better it feels to move around like this. A mad, possessed, angry, free spirit. I look around, in a daze, vision obstructed by strands of long, wet, blue hair. Everything is how it should be. My five senses are as sharp as the edge of a razor blade, but it’s like I’m not even here. It’s like I’m lost. No. I… I’m in heaven.


#59

Interesting, I’m curious as to what happens next. 8/10

Elena stood with her hands spread over the chilled glass like dark sea stars. If there had been fewer choices she would have picked long ago, but the array put her mind into a happy tingle of possibilities. There wasn’t just all the flavors and toppings, but all the possible combinations. At least the choice of cone was simple enough, a plain waffle cone. As her breath fogged up the glass another shopper cut in front of her reaching in decisively. She took a step back and waited until they were gone, this wasn’t something she liked to rush. Elena had an unhealthy obsession with ice cream but after all it was our last Friday before school started again, which was a good reason to get a bit crazy. After a few more moments she shifted her gaze to Corbin and I, eyes glued to our phones.


#60

its really good 9/10

Aokigahara huffs, sitting across from his friend. “You slept with my girlfriend? Krystain you’re married to her sister.” He huffs again into the grimy black phone that hung from the grimy cinder block walls. He was definitely pissed. Not only did his best friend sleep with his girl on more than one occasion he was taking advantage of her weakness and betraying the vows he had made to London on their wedding day. He loved Lena…he truly did. He was in here because he killed her father to protect her. He felt betrayed…not be Lena no. He knew how upset and anxious she was with him behind bars. He had been betrayed by his closest friend.