Would you read on? Game (Based on the first paragraph)


5/10. Your paragraph has a run-on sentence and it’s just too simple. There is nothing really special in/to it that pulls me in to make me want to read more, and it just seems cliche that the protagonist’s best friend would betray him. Also, there are many mistakes that it’s just difficult for me to read and understand it, so I recommend revising, editing, and rereading your first paragraph and story.

June 1st, 2017, at 10 PM

Eastward’s Children Hospital: Floor 6/ICU, West Wing

“Dr. Reed! Dr. Reed! The patient has developed a serious stage of cancer!” A young nurse, Emma, exclaims while running and gasping for air.

“What type and stage is it at?” An expression of uneasiness was written all over Dr. Reed’s face, as he spun around to face Emma’s far, echoing voice.

Cancer was and always is the main cause of many diseases and deaths, rapidly forming, spreading, and developing the new Black Death of our advanced and modern world.

“The patient is in the second stage of Leukemia and rapidly heading into the third stage… There is a highly possible chance she may even head into the fourth stage of Leukemia. Then, possibly death…”

“Where is this patient right now?”

“She is in one of the isolation rooms in the east wing of–” Dr. Reed interrupted Emma’s sentence and swiftly strode past her. The patient’s nurse jogged to the front of Dr. Reed and led him to the east wing of the hospital: the contagious and diseased patients of the isolation rooms.


It’s hard because I’m not very into doctor-type stories, so I don’t get drawn in by them all that much. But there is definitely drama/action, which is usually compelling.

Mine (sorry, I know it’s technically two paragraphs):
Ori felt like he was suffocating in the summer heat. It was disgustingly humid despite the late hour, and his dad refused to turn on the air conditioning. The crickets and cicadas were muted, their staccato symphony of chirps subdued. In a small town, there was no such thing as a nightlife, and so there was no noise at all to break up the eerie silence. The quiet felt empty in a way that gave Ori foreboding chills.

He threw off his blanket and swung around, the soles of his feet pressing against the cool wood of the floor. The sky was milky gray as if it had been stirred with spoonfuls of sugary moonlight. Full and swollen, the moon shone directly through his window. The stars, strung across the sky like fairy lights, winked coyly at him. Not a single tuft of cotton candy cloud drifted through the sky, and all of the constellations were starkly visible against the inky blackness.


It’s technically very well written, and the descriptions are wonderful! But there’s no real grab, no catch or drama. All I know is that it’s hot, it’s night, Ori lives in a small town with his dad on the east coast (that’s where cicadas are!), and the moon is full. There’s a hint of something being wrong, with foreboding chills, but nothing’s really… happened.
It makes me kind of want to know what happens, especially with all the pretty descriptions (I like your writing!) but it doesn’t strike me as especially interesting, either.

Title: A Flower in the Smog

The day was spent walking west at the mountain base, the sun slowly catching up to them. It had started out cold, but a warm breeze had blown over the mountains, and by mid morning, the chill had turned to scorch. Kai Fen’s uncle had taken off some of the extra layerings in his robes, but Kai Fen was far too proud to do any such thing. Besides, he wanted his hands to be free so he could climb up the mountains from time to time, hoping to get a better view.


5/10 While I like the imagery here, I’m not left with a hunger for more. I think you want more pull, like a strong reaction. This also might be my bias, but I always like to see the first paragraph start out about a character/character’s reaction/opinion to the setting instead of a description of the setting (weather mainly). There are also a few run on descriptions that you might have a better chance flushing out for readability.

I really like the brief peek into Kai Fen’s character at the end of the paragraph though! (I might already be fangirling over him)

Title: Reasons are Our Own

Drip. Drip. Drip.

The repetitive sound of water was both comforting and depressing. The monotonous trickle promised nourishment like an elixir of life, yet her resolve to end it all was cruelly mocked by each sip stolen from the stone cold walls. It was the only mark of passing time in the dark cell, yet the soft echo was like a hammer to her already shattered soul.


The description definitely makes me want to read more. I quite like a good story about a prison or a captive. Very dramatic and that’s the feel I get from it. 9/10

From: Albacore(unpublished)

Aokigahara sat back on the plane, waiting for it to land in America. All these years of trying and well…they had made it. America was their goal and the letter from Ed Sullivan had made his day. It wasn’t everyday a Rhythm and blues band clad in leather got invited to be on tv.The voice comes over the intercom, “Well…we’re landing in New York City. Please fasten your seatbelts.”

The captain’s voice seemed to startle Krystain who was trying to snort cocaine during a bout of turbulence. The guitarist was probably the biggest idiot you’ll meet and he’d probably die young but he was Aokigahara’s best friend and if he wanted to snort cocaine on a plane Aokigahara wasn’t gonna stop him.