Would you read on? Game (Based on the first paragraph)


#61

5/10. Your paragraph has a run-on sentence and it’s just too simple. There is nothing really special in/to it that pulls me in to make me want to read more, and it just seems cliche that the protagonist’s best friend would betray him. Also, there are many mistakes that it’s just difficult for me to read and understand it, so I recommend revising, editing, and rereading your first paragraph and story.

June 1st, 2017, at 10 PM

Eastward’s Children Hospital: Floor 6/ICU, West Wing

“Dr. Reed! Dr. Reed! The patient has developed a serious stage of cancer!” A young nurse, Emma, exclaims while running and gasping for air.

“What type and stage is it at?” An expression of uneasiness was written all over Dr. Reed’s face, as he spun around to face Emma’s far, echoing voice.

Cancer was and always is the main cause of many diseases and deaths, rapidly forming, spreading, and developing the new Black Death of our advanced and modern world.

“The patient is in the second stage of Leukemia and rapidly heading into the third stage… There is a highly possible chance she may even head into the fourth stage of Leukemia. Then, possibly death…”

“Where is this patient right now?”

“She is in one of the isolation rooms in the east wing of–” Dr. Reed interrupted Emma’s sentence and swiftly strode past her. The patient’s nurse jogged to the front of Dr. Reed and led him to the east wing of the hospital: the contagious and diseased patients of the isolation rooms.


#62

7/10
It’s hard because I’m not very into doctor-type stories, so I don’t get drawn in by them all that much. But there is definitely drama/action, which is usually compelling.

Mine (sorry, I know it’s technically two paragraphs):
Ori felt like he was suffocating in the summer heat. It was disgustingly humid despite the late hour, and his dad refused to turn on the air conditioning. The crickets and cicadas were muted, their staccato symphony of chirps subdued. In a small town, there was no such thing as a nightlife, and so there was no noise at all to break up the eerie silence. The quiet felt empty in a way that gave Ori foreboding chills.

He threw off his blanket and swung around, the soles of his feet pressing against the cool wood of the floor. The sky was milky gray as if it had been stirred with spoonfuls of sugary moonlight. Full and swollen, the moon shone directly through his window. The stars, strung across the sky like fairy lights, winked coyly at him. Not a single tuft of cotton candy cloud drifted through the sky, and all of the constellations were starkly visible against the inky blackness.


#63

5/10
It’s technically very well written, and the descriptions are wonderful! But there’s no real grab, no catch or drama. All I know is that it’s hot, it’s night, Ori lives in a small town with his dad on the east coast (that’s where cicadas are!), and the moon is full. There’s a hint of something being wrong, with foreboding chills, but nothing’s really… happened.
It makes me kind of want to know what happens, especially with all the pretty descriptions (I like your writing!) but it doesn’t strike me as especially interesting, either.


Title: A Flower in the Smog

The day was spent walking west at the mountain base, the sun slowly catching up to them. It had started out cold, but a warm breeze had blown over the mountains, and by mid morning, the chill had turned to scorch. Kai Fen’s uncle had taken off some of the extra layerings in his robes, but Kai Fen was far too proud to do any such thing. Besides, he wanted his hands to be free so he could climb up the mountains from time to time, hoping to get a better view.


#64

5/10 While I like the imagery here, I’m not left with a hunger for more. I think you want more pull, like a strong reaction. This also might be my bias, but I always like to see the first paragraph start out about a character/character’s reaction/opinion to the setting instead of a description of the setting (weather mainly). There are also a few run on descriptions that you might have a better chance flushing out for readability.

I really like the brief peek into Kai Fen’s character at the end of the paragraph though! (I might already be fangirling over him)

Title: Reasons are Our Own

Drip. Drip. Drip.

The repetitive sound of water was both comforting and depressing. The monotonous trickle promised nourishment like an elixir of life, yet her resolve to end it all was cruelly mocked by each sip stolen from the stone cold walls. It was the only mark of passing time in the dark cell, yet the soft echo was like a hammer to her already shattered soul.


#65

The description definitely makes me want to read more. I quite like a good story about a prison or a captive. Very dramatic and that’s the feel I get from it. 9/10

From: Albacore(unpublished)

Aokigahara sat back on the plane, waiting for it to land in America. All these years of trying and well…they had made it. America was their goal and the letter from Ed Sullivan had made his day. It wasn’t everyday a Rhythm and blues band clad in leather got invited to be on tv.The voice comes over the intercom, “Well…we’re landing in New York City. Please fasten your seatbelts.”

The captain’s voice seemed to startle Krystain who was trying to snort cocaine during a bout of turbulence. The guitarist was probably the biggest idiot you’ll meet and he’d probably die young but he was Aokigahara’s best friend and if he wanted to snort cocaine on a plane Aokigahara wasn’t gonna stop him.


#66

7/10
I would try to spread out the all the information here, because there is quite a bit, and the flow is a bit choppy. I get wanting to start off quickly, in media res and all the jazz, so if you wanted to go that route I’d start with either the cocaine thing or the voice on the intercom (the cocaine sounds far more intriguing in my opinion.)

From: Six Feet Under

The smell of my new home was sharp, pungent, it burned the nostrils. I breathed it in deeply, still, relishing the pain it brought the same way I would look at the sun until my eyes would begin to burn. It brought me out of my stupor, if only momentarily. Reminded me that I was still alive, I was still breathing, I could still feel. And though those feelings might be pain, I found comfort in even that. It was something, at least. Something other than the empty that had filled my chest since my family fled our town after the flood warning was issued.

But soon I became numb to this pain, as I had been to all others before it, and I started breathing normally again and took a look around.


#67

I would continue reading on; the mystery in it makes me want to learn more.

From: The Legend of the Moonflower Princess

The month of the red flowers, in the dead of the winter season, was the time in which the king and queen died.

It was a quiet affair. The fever plague, as it was called, took them from the land of the living swiftly, the king’s final breath puffing from his lips in the lull of the afternoon as he followed his wife mere hours after she had died. There was a funeral, with only a small group of friends and loved ones, and the people mourned as humans do. Barely two weeks had passed, though, when an announcement threw the kingdom of Dasos into an ecstatic frenzy.


#68

8/10 I like it a lot, it is pretty well written. Doesn’t seem like my kind of story though.

Ivory Black

Elena stood with her hands spread over the chilled glass like dark sea stars. If there had been fewer choices she would have picked long ago, but the array put her mind into a happy tingle of possibilities. There wasn’t just all the flavors and toppings, but all the possible combinations. At least the choice of cone was simple enough, a plain waffle cone. As her breath fogged up the glass another shopper cut in front of her reaching in decisively. She took a step back and waited until they were gone, this wasn’t something she liked to rush. Elena had an unhealthy obsession with ice cream but after all it was our last Friday before school started again, which was a good reason to go a bit crazy. After a few more moments she shifted her gaze to Corbin and I.


#69

9/10, I’d read on! The first sentence is beautiful, in an abstract sort of way. There’s also an enigma and slight humour as the reader realises she’s looking at ice cream. I like that paragraph a lot.

Bat Club

“Would you state your name for the tape, please.”

“I’ve told you a thousand times, I’m hungry man!”

“And I’ve told you, state your name for the tape. You’re not eating into my time with this bullshit.”

“I didn’t think you were allowed to swear on these things.”

“Well, it’s your call. Depends if you want to give yourself a clean image or rely on luck. Since the latter hasn’t worked out for you so far, why don’t we keep it clean?”

“Squeaky clean, sir.”

“Wonderful.”

The table creaked slightly as the officer leant across it, his sluggish eyebrows cocked in challenging inquiry. A small badge was pinned to his shirt pocket, neatly laminated with a small, thick print: GARY ANDERSON. A snap of the fingers brought Cobie’s lazy attention from the badge to the officer’s eyes, which were now boring into him, hungry for answers.

“Where did she go?”


#70

7/10 There seems to be a theme of hunger, off the title, I’m trying to figure out if the guy’s a vampire or something. So I’d finish the chapter, but it doesn’t really hook me.


Stay of Insanity

It felt strange. I thought I’d be more used to it by now. But the stickiness of the blood clinging to my hands still felt strange to me. It dripped off my fingers. Spatting onto road as I stood there. My breath was coming in quick bursts, and I tried to slow it.

The excited tingle that ran through me didn’t help.


#71

8/10: I really like the feeling your going for and the opening certainly catches my eye :slight_smile: I would only recommend maybe trying to make it less choppy and more smooth, although for some stories a choppy feeling makes more sense.

Sparks Collide

Dating is an adventure. At the very least, it is a time of self exploration and excitement. Even after the feeling of “newness” fades away, there’s still the “Wow, this guy’s here for me and I’m here for him. We’re choosing each other,” and that’s pretty cool. Unfortunately, my love life is nothing like that.


#72

8/10 I like it a lot, it is pretty well written. Doesn’t seem like my kind of story though.

Ivory Black

Elena stood with her hands spread over the chilled glass like dark sea stars. If there had been fewer choices she would have picked long ago, but the array put her mind into a happy tingle of possibilities. There wasn’t just all the flavors and toppings, but all the possible combinations. At least the choice of cone was simple enough, a plain waffle cone. As her breath fogged up the glass another shopper cut in front of her reaching in decisively. She took a step back and waited until they were gone, this wasn’t something she liked to rush. Elena had an unhealthy obsession with ice cream but after all it was our last Friday before school started again, which was a good reason to go a bit crazy. After a few more moments she shifted her gaze to Corbin and I.


#73

8.5?/10 This was very, very well written. Enough description for it to seem almost poetic with the use of imagery, but you hold back just enough to not give too much away.

Guns and Cigarettes

“Hey sugar,”

It was like his disgusting face was eyeing a tiramisu dish on the table, licking his goddamn filthy lips as the dreadful words left them. Even in the emerging darkness as the cold night sky swallowed up the whole dome, it was obvious that there were a few blokes parked behind him too; kicking shut the metal door and leaning against the brick walls of the alleyway as they snickered and wolf whistled at me.


#74

I definitely like what you’ve done here. For me, the imagery was off the charts and it felt really raw as far as how you chose to describe things like his facial expressions. I do hope that whoever is being pursued ends up being alright.

Picture This

It all started with a photograph.

A photograph that said so much without saying a word. A photograph that depicted a man who knew bravery, sacrifice, and unbreakable compassion. A photograph that showcased the cheeky smile of a Brooklyn boy, the love and admiration from his peers, and his humble soul. Photographs have the incredible ability to give one insight into a world that seems so distant and loved, but forgotten. It is photos like these that don’t see the light of day by those who need to feast their eyes upon it the most.

(I apologize in advance. I’m not a native English speaker :slightly_smiling_face:)


#75

This is really good for a non native speaker. This is something I haven’t read before. I wouldn’t mind picking it up to read. 9/10

Codename: G.E.M

A secret organization known as the Underworld are creating an army of enhanced humans through an artificial insemination who are known as Genetic Enhancement Modification. Although some share the same attributes in power and strength, there are others proven to have evolved. These G.E.M’s are put to the ultimate test of life and death. Those who are found worthy will walk out alive.

Five test subjects were marked with the red code. When a GEM does not meet the level of expectations at the age of sixteen, they face execution. On the day of execution they all unexpectedly survive. What was the purpose of living when the each stage had them on the road of Social Darwinism? They are about to find out as the five continues to climb for the top.


#76

7/10 An interesting way to open the story, but it did feel a little exposition’ish. Although, i think I would read on.

The Element of Life

“Congratulations, you’re the brand- new owner of the jeep!” announced the used car salesman who handed over the keys.

I couldn’t believe my amazing luck? What seventeen- year- old girl has five hundred dollars to pay for a used jeep? With all excitement, I hugged the salesman and hopped in.

“She wants to dance like Uma Thurman” sang Fall Out Boy on my phone which was connected to the car radio. “Bury me till I confess”

Thirty seconds into the song, my phone rang. The screen read Elliot leading me to answer on speaker

“Hey fat legs, you get the jeep?”

“Elliot, how many times have I told you to stop calling me fat legs? Damn it, way to ruin a girl’s confidence. And yes I did get the jeep.”

“I’m proud of you babe. Not everyone gets a jeep the day after they turn seventeen. My little fat legs is growing up.”

He was never going to stop calling me that, was he?

“Listen babe, what do you say I pick you up for prom tomorrow in my new jeep?”

“Eh, I rather pick you up myself, but I guess if it makes you happy.”


#78

5\10 There’s nothing dressing me in. I really wouldn’t want to read any further. Sorry…

I stared at the blood running down my numb hand. Well, it wasn’t numb exactly. I could feel the blood slowly drip to the paper towel I was holding right over it. It didn’t hurt. It didn’t even sting. My gaze fell to my knee brace. The knee brace that was stabilizing my dislocated Patella. The worse injury I’ve had in a long time. The last time was when I was five. I had bitten through my tongue.


#79

7/10 I think the your first paragraph is intriguing, I’m left wondering why the protagonist has all those injuries and if there is anything significant going on behind all their past ones. I think you could improve on describing the situation with more detail. Also towards the end the sentence structure gets very short which makes the writing feel stilted instead of emphasized. Regardless, the paragraph does pull me in and make me interested in the story.

Bound

“Sullivan?”

I spot him sitting on the ledge, sun-beat-trailer behind him. He’s got that familiar line between his brows, tired elbows resting on his knees. His dirty blond hair is captivating, almost angelic - it’s a stark contrast to the rest of his rugged features. The sun is too soft, too kind against the strong line of his jaw and I’m caught off guard by his presence, startled by his willingness to talk to me.


#80

7/10. your writing has the perfect amount of description and i can definitely visualize sullivan in my head because of it. the only complaint i really have is that you’re sometimes using commas where you could be using semicolons or em dashes and that the last sentence feels like you’re introducing two unrelated ideas. you start with how the sun is too soft on his features and then connect it with the idea that the character is startled by his willingness to talk to them. i would consider splitting the sentence into two ideas.

IT WAS A procedure that Adelaide had never done and had hoped to never do — bloody, gruesome, recently expired remains was where she drew a hard line in her profession. But somehow, she found herself cornered in her own office by Athena with the unspoken threat of termination hanging over her head if she refused to do it.

In Athena’s hands was a box of thick files filled with painfully brief M.E. reports, transcripts, and miscellaneous data. Under any normal circumstance, Adelaide would have already hunkered down and devoured the new information; but this wasn’t any normal circumstance. This was a case of murder — a horrific slaughtering of several women whose remains were twisted and brutalized so badly that it was difficult to ascertain whether or not they had once been human.


#81

8/10. It was nice. I’m not sure what’s with the weird spacing with ‘it was a’, maybe it’s a style I don’t know. Everything seems very well written and I can’t think of something to really say. It’s just not something I’m into.

Today was the official day when the Bumblebees entered the hive, a sort of greeting day that happened once a year at YAoK. It was many of the teacher’s favorite day, getting to see new and hopeful faces. Though, it was just as exciting for Miss Jayba, who was the adviser of the Bumblebees. The ones most excited, of course, was the Bumblebees themselves. In the sea of faces was one boy, Allion, who had been dreaming of this day since he was a little kid. He didn’t stand out from the crowd, just another student that seamlessly blended in. He was buzzing with pure excitement to know what it was really like to train to become a knight at Yellowback.