Would you read on? Game (Based on the first paragraph)

8/10 I like it, seems very interesting.

Ivory Black

Elena stood with her hands spread over the chilled glass like dark sea stars. If there had been fewer choices she would have picked long ago, but the array put her mind into a happy tingle of possibilities. There wasn’t just all the flavors and toppings, but all the possible combinations. At least the choice of cone was simple enough, a plain waffle cone. As her breath fogged up the glass another shopper cut in front of her reaching in decisively. She took a step back and waited until they were gone, this wasn’t something she liked to rush. Elena had an unhealthy obsession with ice cream but after all it was our last Friday before school started again, which was a good reason to go a bit crazy. After a few more moments she shifted her gaze to Corbin and I.


Your descriptions are lovely, as is your attention to detail. I really like the comparison of her hands to “dark sea stars”. I also thought “happy tingle of possibilities” was quite good. My only critique is stay consistent! You start the paragraph so strong, but it starts to falter a bit towards the end. It can be very easy to get lax when you’re writing narrative that is heavy in description, but your story will thank you for it if you can keep that energy going! Notice how your narrative voice starts almost poetic, but then changes to “which was a good reason to go a bit crazy”. It makes it sound like you switched from one character’s POV to another. Consistency is key! You obviously have a way with words. Keep up the good work!

And If You Wrong Us

It was a brisk day, the kind where an open window could cause a chill down to your bones. But Mr. Raven was too distracted to notice that his office window had come a bit ajar, allowing a strand of that chilly air to curl inside and worm its way towards him. He did not notice as it circled him, causing the skin on the back of his neck to erupt in goose bumps. He also did not notice when the office door opened and a voice called his name.

The beginning seems like a beginning, but the ending of the paragraph seems more suited for the ending of a chapter/book. It gives a very suspenseful. I’m betting he’s going to DIE!!! in a few moments. 11/10 would read more.

A new sun rises in the Forest of Goodbyes, just as the previous moon dies slowly beneath the horizon.

The ruins of my once-hometown are just as beautiful as when people lived in them. Not much has changed; the white marble buildings stand in perfect order, and only a few small houses here and there have doors missing. The dawn would blind out any light anyway, but I know that there is no candlelight in the openings of the windows, and the quiet discourse of this village has long passed into the past.

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It seems like an interesting book. I still can’t get what the book is about with this, which is actually a good point imo. Keep with it, I would definitively read it

Now, around my own: I want to say that, while I have everything very planned ahead in terms of general events, most development is still very WIP, this is just a draft (One of the few I’m actually starting to like) so this thread is excellent to know if I’m doing good, but please don’t be too harsh. I’m a very new writer but I have a ton of hope in this proyect! I also want you to know that the book is in spanish, and I have translated it, it’s probable that errors in grammars are a result of translating, not how the actual paragraph will be, they can still be judged but you should know that

Authority, Order, Peace, we are the saviors of humanity!

That’s how the stone engraving at the entrance of the school said. It could be read above the entry gate the name “School 6241” and there was a flag at the entrance, a black flag, with a planet earth drawed with white at the center, and above that planet there was a eagle, in a terrifying position, like ready if it was prepared to attack.

Elena and Isabel took a deep breath… It would only be another typical week of class.

I like the idea of the setting introduced rather than a charcater at first hand. It gives off a good start. Great job! I would most definitely read on.

It was a full moon, praised by the echoing howls that blew loudly in the night sky. From all corners of the world; the north, to the east, across the south and the far west, every werewolf understood its significance. Yearly, the lunar phase of the seventh cycle marked a grand event of the Gathering - an honorable tradition meant to spoil the land with blood, hunt for the best trophies and raid enemies in the shadows. No clan would refuse such a golden opportunity, for their king rewards generously. Even the beaming high moon bleeds with its approval.

I’ll be honest; I’m not a fan of werewolves. Never have been. This is really well written, though, so I’d probably surprise myself by reading on.

Ekko had never seen the sun. She’d been born into a world of eternal darkness- an Oblivion, her family had called it, when they were still alive. They’d taught her that only the strongest of them would survive, and she’d taught herself that there was no one stronger than she.

The sun was there, somewhere, behind the sheet of blackness that filled the whole sky, but it hadn’t risen for more years than she’d been alive.

Honestly, this makes me want to read on. Just to see why the sun hadn’t risen for years before she was even born. This is quite intriguing and I will be reading more to find out why her sun hadn’t risen in years.

The young princess lifts up her heavy dress as she runs up the staircase of the castle, yelling out apologizes as she pushes past many people. Her fiery red hair fell out of its delicate updo and whipped around her face as she ran but she didn’t care about the stinging of her hair slapping her. She just cared about getting to her parents before there was no time. She had run as fast as she could when she found the black clouds rolling close to her kingdom and feared that she would be too late.

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I would read on! I want to know what she needs to tel her parents. (Also, this totally made me think of Merida from Brave.)

—————from Really Truly, Reese ————————

The first time I saw Jacob Ducal, he was in a pristine varsity jacket and his dimples were showing. His eyes met mine and I felt like I’d stumbled into some alternate reality were I was the female lead in a high school romance.

I remember thinking, could that actually happen? As if maybe, when my mom, older brother, and I had left our old state after the divorce and crossed the state line into this one, we’d somehow switched dimensions and I just hadn’t noticed until this very moment. It was a little ridiculous, sure.

But then he walked over to me, and anyone who says they wouldn’t feel like one of the stars in a tropey, cliche, first love film is a liar. L-I-A-R. Liar.

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Yay! Thank you! It’s a OUAT fanfiction!!

Overall it seems quite interesting, and not Gary-Lu/Mary-Sueish. It isn’t my kind of thing, but it does have a certain charm to it, in particular how the character is reflecting on things and losing track of reality around them. :slight_smile:

The first paragraph (-ish) from The Last Zones - Zone 9 (Pokemon Fiction)
I hear a gentle tapping on something, and my surroundings shaking and pulsing.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

My lungs are filled rapidly with something which feels chipped and almost like it’s filled with something impure, and are pumped in and out once more. It feels like my air is being sucked from my lungs before being forcibly replaced by something much more artificial. I can hear something muffled. I attempt to open my eyes but they squeeze tighter, as if they are protecting me from something toxic and painful. I force them open for a moment. Before anything else, I am struck by severe burning pains in my eyes as the liquid surrounding me is rushed into them. I squeeze them tighter once more as I scream.

Ahhhhhhh I love Once Upon A Time!

8/10 I like it, seems very interesting.

Ivory Black

Elena stood with her hands spread over the chilled glass like dark sea stars. If there had been fewer choices she would have picked long ago, but the array put her mind into a happy tingle of possibilities. There wasn’t just all the flavors and toppings, but all the possible combinations. At least the choice of cone was simple enough, a plain waffle cone. As her breath fogged up the glass another shopper cut in front of her reaching in decisively. She took a step back and waited until they were gone, this wasn’t something she liked to rush. After a few more moments she shifted her gaze to Corbin and I.

Ice cream made majestic, good job, hahah.

Alone With Myself and My Mind

Chapter 1: Who’s ‘Alone’?

Me. Leo. Just another high school senior who wants to know the secrets to life perfection and survival, but of course I can’t have those, since some divine being likes to laugh at my misfortunes. Even if I did have them, my life would be boring as hell, and I seriously mean that. Anyway, I’m getting sidetracked. I just hate school in general, since you need to both be with the trends and own AirPods to be considered cool these days, and if you don’t, it goes from being called ‘dude’ to being told to chug down a nice, smooth bottle of bleach. Not that I don’t want to drink such a nice drink, but that’s not the point. I’m just saying, the school system is rigged, and I demand a different system of education, but America won’t do crap about anything, especially now, where they want to build a wall where millions of people don’t want it. I’m sidetracked again, hmm. I should cut to the chase now, I’m not exactly alone, but it sure as hell feels as though I am. I have friends, too, just a few, but sometimes it’s a bad day to be around them, since Lucy is always bugging us with her textbooks, Deven is always getting Pop-Tart crumbs all over us, Corbin is always losing his shit, and Alkina is admittingly too attached to her new-found boyfriend, Zephyr, which makes it a bit worse to be around the two of them at once. Don’t get the wrong idea about them, though, I still think they’re cool, especially since they have the amazing ability to tolerate me 24/7. But enough out of me, I should probably just skip past the rest of my rant and allow for the actual story to begin. If you read all of this, congratulations, you just passed the test of ‘Can you tolerate Leo?’ and I hope it stays that way.

It’s a good start to a story, relatable with a little bit of humour. However I wouldn’t read on. I don’t like when the characters come across as ‘talking’ to the reader. I get sidetracked too often myself to read a book where the character gets side tracked twice within a single paragraph. I’m sure that you would have a different demographic of readers though.

Beyond the Gate

"Hold still one moment, please Miss Anderson," the officer says taking care not to touch me as she scans the tattoo on my neck, verifying my identity.

My brother, Theo, stands stiff against the wall at the bottom of the stairs, his jaw clenched and brow furrowed as he watches the officer tap away at her palm screen. His usual clean shave has been traded in for rugged stubble, and the short brown wavy hair on top of his head is scruffier than usual.

House checks are common, especially at this time of year, but we’ve always co-operated, and they’ve never really raided through our stuff. I’m not sure why Theo is so perplexed by them today.

"Ready for tomorrow, Avery?" the officer asks, dropping her voice to a more casual tone as the other two officers exit out to the greenhouse.

No at all.

"Yes," I lie.

How does one even prepare for tomorrow? September the 15th, is Founders Day , aptly nick-named the drop. Founders Day marks the completion of the city walls and the segregation and preservation of the inner city by the founding families. Each year on the 15th, those who have come of age during the year are sent outside the walls to the far Outer Edge to earn their place within society. By this time tomorrow night, I will either be human jelly smeared across the rocks of the Outer Edge, or spending the night with a group of strangers, far away from the only two people I know.

i like this, suspensful but not in a try-hard sort of way. It’s really well written, too

I was kinda confused by the last sentence, tho.
I’d read til the end of the chapter and then decide whether i want to go on or not

ok here’s mine (its quite short):

It was a gentle afternoon. School children were littered about the streets, buying food and walking home. The season couldn’t decide whether it wanted to be Summer or Winter, so the air was fresh, but not crisp. The sun, shuffling lazily towards the horizon, shone golden rays of light on the Eastern sidewalks and shop windows. A trash pile of brown leaves and white cigarettes lay in a drain.

Honestly, no. I probably would not read this–it’s a little boring, and you don’t give me a character to connect to. I would start with your main character rather than just describing the scene.

Here’s mine:
Unspeakable: That cannot be expressed in words, something too horrific to ever be told. Love. Death. Power. Time. Prophecy. All a mystery, one just begging to be solved. Thea remembered when she had been wide eyed and enchanted by the answers becoming an unspeakable promised, for it was the first definition she had believed in, the first definition that had started it all, but it would be the last that made her break her vow.

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Most likely yes if your cover and synopsis already gained my interest! The only thing that was putting me off was the structure of your sentences. They feel a bit choppy and incomplete, but the mystery aspect really intrigues me. :slight_smile:

Mageia Era:
Within the secure walls of the Emerald Mageia Academy, classes were still in session-- history class to be exact. Tai was paying close attention while his friend snoozed off beside him. Of course he couldn’t see her, but her soft snores were audible enough. Then they gradually became louder until the professor had to stop her lesson to ask who was sleeping.

“Psst, Mai.” Tai tried to wake his friend, but her snoring continued and the teacher was still expecting an answer, so Tai scooted her chair instead and succeeded in waking her up.

“1999!” Mai stood up and shouted.

“Mai, go back to your dorm to sleep if you are tired. It’s not like you learn anything in here anyway.” Professor Millie crossed her arms and stared at the empty seat next to Tai.

It sounds interesting (I especially like the names) but the paragraph reads like it’s been taken from the middle of a chapter, rather than being the first paragraph.

Here’s mine:

The door slammed hard enough to shake the room and Strastor jolted in his chair, turning to see the uniformed peacekeeper enter the room, a paper cup of steaming coffee in his hand. Not regular coffee either; fancy stuff that Strastor couldn’t hope to identify if he tried. Maybe it made him feel special, Strastor thought, instead of just another peacekeeper doing a peacekeeper’s job.

“Well, finally . I thought you’d forgotten I was here.” Strastor said.

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8/10 I really like the first sentence on the paragraph. I can picture the door slamming and someone being surprised.

Understanding Teenagers

“So, Mr. Liam O’Malley, please tell me about yourself.” Commanded Mr. Mills who looked at my resume with his glasses squinting seeming rather impressed.

“Well, I just graduated from the University of Arizona in Tucson a month ago as an English Major. I was at the top of my class in both high school and college. In high school, I was class president. In college, I wrote a few short stories for the campus paper.” At this point, I was just blabbing and bragging.

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8/10 It’s interesting that you manage to introduce your MC so smoothly. This isn’t my type of story, but it’s a great detailed opening.

The Outlaws of Acirema

“Awwwwww!” Barbie squeals like a high school fangirl who just saw the characters of her favorite ship kiss in some cheesy romantic comedy – which is not far from the truth.

I can’t decide which is worth: the unnecessarily mawkish lines these actors just said (God! I hate this type of show!), the fact that they are eating their faces off while a romantic music plays in the background – which is totally not romantic, or the hypersonic screams of my android friend – who, by the way, looks exactly like a human-sized Barbie doll. Blond hair, blue eyes, cringy dresses, and all.