Would You Read This? (Need Opinions Desperately)

writing
discussion
critiques
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feedback

#1

I’ve nudged myself back into writing after a too-long hiatus and am terrified that I lost touch with what I used to enjoy so thoroughly. In light of this, I ask if the description below would grab your attention at all or if not, what should I change?

"Someone or something is snatching innocents from our town and leaving a trail of bodies in their wake. Mutilated bodies. We’ve all become desensitized over the years almost to the cruel end of expecting more horror when we wake up each day.

Baine was the only friend at my sixth birthday party and he was my only friend the day he disappeared. Our Sheriff dragged in his hotshot nephew now that the case has gotten out of hand and all eyes have turned to me not as the suspect, but as the missing phrase to an unfathomable riddle. Grief takes a backseat as I watch the new Detective Donn Cross’ ambitions match my own.

‘I see it in their eyes when they pass me by, slowing down just enough to smile pitifully or click their tongues. They didn’t lose their loved one so they have the right to condescend on my loss instead. Despite it all, I won’t give up on bringing Baine home.’"

The story is called Baine and is already published. The premise is pretty obvious but I plan to throw in quite a few twists, avoid romance cliches if I can and make this story something I’m proud of.


#2

If you manage to keep these promises, it can turn into something interesting. I’d give it a green light.


#3

It does seem like something new, and I adore the writing style. I’m not sure I can say you have not lost your touch since I have never seen your touch before, but I can assure you that you have a unique way with words and an interesting plot in your hands.


#4

Thank you this definitely eases some of my worries


#5

Thank you for taking the time out to give me feedback. I hope to have readers will share your view and give my book a shot.


#6

Bump


#7

Bump


#8

Bump


#9

Bump


#10

I love the way you used language in that sample, I would definitely read it. Just in case you wanted a tiny bit of advice, I would avoid making sentences that are too long e.g. “Our Sheriff dragged in his hotshot nephew now that the case has gotten out of hand and all eyes have turned to me not as the suspect, but as the missing phrase to an unfathomable riddle.”

I personally would split it up a bit more:
“Our sheriff dragged in his hotshot new nephew, now that the case has gotten out of hand; now all eyes have turned to me - not as the suspect, but as the missing phrase of an unfathomable riddle.”

I really love it though and apart from that, the writing is so captivating. Good luck! Enjoy writing!


#11

Thank you so much I’ll definitely be making that alteration asap. Your criticism has really helped.


#12

I’m so glad I could help! You seem like an amazing writer, much better than me :joy:


#13

Oh my God please :joy: its not a competition. We’re all trying to write what we love and put it out there, there’s no better or worse.


#14

This sounds wonderful :slight_smile:


#15

Thank you so much :heart: