Ooof! Right? It’s not easy at all.
Yours is really enchanting though, for writing it on a whim it’s great. I’ll show you my rough draft too, since we both want to change them anyway. “Before comprehending what she saw, (name) realized he was dead.”
(I haven’t decided on names yet, I’m so picky on names that I’m still in a debate over them!)
That one thrusts us into the action and introduces two characters right on the spot. That’s awesome! In my unprofessional, amateur opinion, the ‘before comprehending what she saw’ part seems a little clunky and gratuitous. I’d personally prefer stuff like “His scarlet blood ran thick before her shaking feet” or something like that that shows us that’s he’s dead and she’s shocked without actually telling us that she doesn’t know what’s happening and he’s dead, y’know?
That’s a good one too! (Actually there isn’t a scene of violence here, but I can try to portray what’s being seen; the point is supposed to be that she comprehends it before she processes it, because she expects it!)
I’m gonna try to edit it to include your advice (with more visuals), thanks!
No problem! As with naming your characters, I like to include lots of plays on words, but idk if that’s your style or will fit your needs. I often take a metaphor (my characters are often metaphorical) and make the character’s name an anagram of that metaphor
For example, I have this guy called Regan Resuba. (The plague doctor in my profile pic) See if you can figure out what his name is! (Slight spoilers)
My character names for my upcoming story also have a unique word pattern to them. There’s Anxi, Dep, Lone, Suice, Sel, Abu, etc.
Incorporating these things will make your names sound a little foreign or fantastical, but it’s how I like to weave meaning into them.
Definitely an intriguing technique for naming!
I think I’ve fixed it. Your advice helped!
“It was a Friday night when I did the most earnestly stupid thing I had ever done.”
(From a WIP)
“The first time I saw Jacob Ducal, he was in a pristine varsity jacket and his dimples were showing.”
(From ‘Really Truly, Reese’)
My first line in Dead Ringer: “My head spun wildly as I staggered down into a yawning ditch.”
My first line of a book I am planning on writing.
When I boarded that bus I never thought it would take me to a new world.
I don’t think it is perfect in any way but this is the opening line of my book,Crimson Love:
“Please God, please help me today…” was his everyday prayer.
Everyday before entering the uni building, Mark made sure to pray to god, wishing not to meet Gu Ren, the only hooligan of the school. Today was another ordinary day, like any other day.
How did he land in this situation?
No one knows.